Starsabove32

When I was 15 I was groomed by a man at 44, maybe the grooming stage even started before then. And I entered a "relationship" of sorts with this man around 15 and a half. He waited a few months until I was closer to 16. But at the time I was being bullied and emotionally very vulnerable. I've suffered with bad anxiety, and depression a good while. And obviously the drinking but i don't do it now. I've been through therapy, I live a very healthy life. I keep going through the same cycle of anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts- all this. But recently it's been flagged up that this "relationship" may be the cause of all that. When I finally acknowledged it, I cried and shook and felt nauseous. I couldn't believe I'd been so vulnerable and this adult older man picked up on it.

But my brain is stuck thinking it wasn't that bad. It's no big deal. Get over it. It's causing a lot of turmoil in me because I think deep down I know how wrong it was.... and I keep trying to explain it away. But it must hurt me because I felt a lot of pain acknowledging it.

Thoughts?

Starsabove32

I don't know how to edit the title to ***teenage years

Dee74

Looks liek someone changed the title

I'm really sorry that happened to you stars and skies.

I believe it is important to deal with that stuff - and even more important to deal with it in a healthy way.

Drinking is not really a way to deal with anything IMO. It's not dealing with anything - it;s running away.

Do you have a therapist or a counsellor?
I found great help and support that way for several long term traumas.

D

Jam13

I’m sorry Stars... I was molested by an uncle from age 8-11. He groomed me, too. He stepped in to be my buddy when my dad was unemotionally available and a workaholic. I was also raped at age of 11 by a 15 yr old boy I had a major crush on. It was devastating.
This isn’t anything like what you went through but I understand wondering if I caused it, invited it, etc.
now I know absolutely not. They were sick, as was this man to prey on someone younger and naive.
We are all vulnerable as kids and teens.
We don’t have the capacity to deal with adult issues. Heck, most adults can’t cope with adult issues.
You are not wrong in feeling sad or sick about it.
I kept in denial for many years until I allowed myself to grieve the loss of my innocence.
He stole it from you.
Don’t blame yourself & no it is not ok.
I drowned my sorrows for a long time with drugs, alcohol, etc.
I had to forgive myself & love that little girl inside that never got “true” unconditional love.
I hope you can find peace, forgiveness of yourself & learn to love yourself
I have struggled with depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, actually got drunk a year back and ran into the woods with a loaded gun bc I was listening to music that triggered my mind about something from my past.
Thank God I didn’t do it.
I am much better today & have a much better perspective of things.
Things will get better. Time does heal. I can freely talk about stuff and. Have grown & gained wisdom over time.my prayers are with you. you are wonderful,y and fearfully made by a loving and kind God. You will get past this.
Go to therapy, post here, sharing your pain takes the weight off.
Love and hugs sweet girl.

Berrybean

Sorry to hear what happened to you Stars. I had similar stuff to work through, and have managed to do this in sobriety in a variety of ways.

Working the 12-step program of AA has been a massive help to me. Working through those (justified) resentments. Learning that just because they're justified, those resentments don't help me. They really are like drinking poison and hoping it'll kill whoever hurt me. And being able to get to a place where finally I could decide that although this WAS a big deal, and should have been taken seriously by the adults who were there to supposedly help and support me at the time, I'm not being a traitor to my childhood self to decide that I don't want to let this be my future as well as my past, which is what was happening when I kept thinking about it every day, and in the small hours of the night, checking obituary columns regularly for his death (okay, I do occasionally still do that out of curiosity if someone else has mentioned the person lol - doesn't do me much good though and I can move past it quite quickly and without it affecting me too much).

I found the book Rescuing Your Inner Child very helpful in working through a lot of things as well, and finding a way to move forward without feeling treacherous to myself.

More recently I had 6 months of weekly counselling. This was something I'd applied for a while back (it was free in the UK at the time) but because the waiting list was so, so long I finally got it a year or so after I'd applied. I was tempted not to do it, but a man who'd experienced childhood abuse who I know in AA advised me to give it a go. And I did. A lot of the time seemed to be spent talking about parents and adults relationships and how I feel about them from my teenage years. I realised that those feelings were pushed a long way down, and that growing up an a disfunctional household had done some damage before I'd hit those teen years, and was making me pretty vulnerable. I just wanted some love and positive attention, and when it all blew up into something I couldn't handle I didn't know who to tell or what to do. Both people I told brushed it off as something naughty I'd done that they'd keep to themselves so as not to cause trouble, in particular, not make my father angry and cause him to do some stupid, drunk, counterproductive idiot thing. I was made responsible for the actions of one grown man, and kept silent with the threat of the actions of another grown man. It was wrong. It shouldn't have happened. And I've accepted that, but I've also made the decision that I deserve to be happy NOW regardless of it.
I also found the ACOA Handbook a very helpful read.

I hope you find some way to get some peace around this.

BB

Starsabove32

Thanks so far. I was very nervous posting this. At the time the law where I am for consent was 17, it was changed to 16 - years after this happened. I think it's the grooming that came before it happened that's the worst, from early 15. Surely early 15 is much too young for an old man to be preying? I can't get my head around it all. I had buried this, or so I thought. I'm on a waiting list for counselling. Could be a couple of months, so I know I shouldn't torture myself with it now- but I'm just searching for answers. I need to find some inner peace now, and leave this until the professionals can help.

DreamCatcher17

A good trauma book I have discovered is Waking the Tiger.

Thirteenth

I told myself the same thing for years. It IS a big deal. Everyone whose been through it deals with it in their own way. I opted for a stuffing it down strategy and still grapple with it. Talk therapy can be invaluable so please do so. Don't ever believe you are at fault for someone else's misdeeds.

Jam and Dee both make excellent points. Also, please don't lose sight of BB's excellent points.

Berrybean

So many similarities here.

Yes. The abuse of trust. Mind f***ery. Deception. All horrible.

My experiences happened 30 years ago. You know, I even had a card from the man at one point, and I went to speak to a trusted adult and they said the best thing to do was forget about it and stay away from him, and he tore that card up and he put it in the bin. I remember thinking, well, noone is gonna believe me now.Jeez. I'm a teacher now myself, and know that nowadays there is much more guidance and support for teachers to deal with this situation if it comes up. I also told a family member who told me to keep quiet and stay away from him, and def "don't tell your father, he'll kill him, and that's cause even more trouble." Not that I believed my Dad would actually kill him, but he was likely to cause a drunk scene and cause mayhem, so I just kept quiet and stayed away from him, which meant giving up certain hobbies and time with my sane and healthy friends. It wasn't long after that I discovered alcohol, zoning out of feelings, found a new confidence in the bottle, got chucked out of school..... oh, I'm sure I don't need to elaborate. Same old story really.

And I thought I'd got over it all as well, until I stopped drinking at 40 (25 years later) and had to start learning to feel emotions properly.

And then when I finally had counselling saying, well maybe if I hadn't / maybe if I had / maybe he... But now I think, he was the adult. I was still (much as I liked to think of myself as mature) a child emotionally. He manipulated and took advantage of my awkwardness and isolation. And I'm pretty sure he didn't onky do that to me. I heard other whisperings,and saw other girls start avoiding him as well. HE was responsible for his actions. His actions were not good. They were not excusable. I was not responsible for his actions. You were not responsible for your abusers actions either. Your abusers actions were not good. Your abusers actions were not excusable. BUT, they also don't have to have power over you forever. Things CAN get better. I promise.

BB

Anna

I thought, when I moved away from home, things would be fine. The abuse happened at home, and I left home at 21. Not only were things not fine, they got worse. Depression, anxiety and insomnia were constants. I had NO idea how deeply wounded I was.

What happened to you IS a big deal and it's not your fault, none of it. I hope you can find some peace.