Shaheena415

Hi I'm new to this world...never even knew this type of pain existed...funny enough even tho I have always dated addicts..some who were not in recovery and some who were but relapsed...I was always forced to leave them for thier addiction...

Yet how stupidly I have fallen in love with another recovering addict...he went on a drug binge a few months after we got together and I ddnt know what happen...he had never ever done anything like that and I was worried confused,me and his mom did a missing persons report only to find out that he was ok when the cops found him..

I started thinking he ddnt love me any more I was so depressed I lost it myself...then he contacted me on the 5th day, apologizing and saying he ddnt know how to face me because he promised me he would always tell me the truth and he ddnt know how to tell me that he put poison in his body and let down the girl he loves so much...

when I found him he held me and cried forever...we got past that and we were very happy...our lives blossomed but we hit a bumpy lil patch, nothing too harsh but he has anxiety and his real mother was so horrible to him and abusive when he was young so he always thinks he is worthless and ugly when he is so handsome and an amazing guy with a huge heart...but he can't deal with emotions...

he's been gone now for 6 days...his last txt to me was that he can't bare to hurt me any more and that he was throwing in the towel...he hasn't responded to txts not from any of us..his family or friends...he hasn't came for clothes, we share an account and he did leave his share for the rent but took out $240..

I'm so sad I miss him so much! I know I shdnt take him back! I know what u should do but when I love someone I love them with all my heart! I don't give up easy...I know he loves me to death but idk if he's coming back this time...the only comfort I have is that he still has the house keys and his stuff here..I dread one day I'll come home and it will be gone...

his step mom (who is more like his real mom) also does not believe he wants to actually give up on us but it's more that he's given up on himself...I'm trying to live my life but I can barely get out of bed...I txt him every day that I Love him and to come back home but nothing...his mom tells me to not txt him at all or call him but it's hard not to!

please if anyone has any words of wisdom, please help! This pain is too much for me...if this ever happen again in the future I would HAVE to leave him and the thought of that scares me...I think that's why he is trying to cut us loose now because he dsnt trust himself to not do this again, and making me happy was what made him happy if I'm upset or he knows he hurt me his world come crumbling down, I try to explain every relationship has it ups and downs...can't always be rainbows and butterflies but he dsnt get it

I've lost so many loved one to addiction, I can't bare to lose another! My parents died when I was 7..my dad was an alcoholic and turned my mom into one..he shot her and himself in front of me..then I just lost my little brother a year ago, he was looking for drugs in a very bad neighborhood and got robbed beat and shot in the face I'm in so much pain! I wish drugs never existed...I blame the devil!! 😔

Heres a poem I want to share with you all...I think we can all relate to it in some way:


HOLDING YOUR PILLOW INSTEAD:

As I sleep alone in our bed,
Since your not here, I hold your pillow instead...
Emotions of anger, sadness, love and lust crowd my head!
"When will he be back?", I cry not on your shoulder but your pillow instead...
"I can smell him!", your must, your cologne;
Makes me feel for a moment that you are here but no I'm still all alone...in our bed.
So to fill that void, to trick myself, I hold your pillow instead...
"Why is he doing this?" I made you so happy, you made me feel pure bliss!
So why this?
A tear rolls down and across my red lips.
I pull your pillow closer!-but it only reminded me of you, grabbing me and pulling me in by my hips!!!
So many feelings I don't know what to do!
Was it something I did or is it just you?
I wanna run outside and scream, ripping my hair out from my head!!!
But no, I just lay there in our bed...
Holding your pillow instead.
"Where is he? What's he doing? Who's he with?"
My mind and my heart are throwing a fit!
Waiting and waiting, hours feel like days, days feel like weeks...
Thinking your at the door but no!...It's just sounds and creaks.
"He must not love me..." My soul feels dead.
So instead of eating, laughing or living, I decide to just lay here...In our bed...And hold......
Your pillow instead...

-To the man I love and wished came home...to stay 😔

~Shaheena Ali

ChloeRose63

so sorry that you are going thru so much pain. I hope you find the support that you need to help you with your co-dependency issues. You need to start focusing on yourself instead of other peoples problems. Have you gone to any meetings?

Shaheena415

Thank you ChloeRose! I'm trying to it's so hard to focus on myself...I make sure my dog is happy but even he misses him like crazy...I have not seemed any kind of help I just started taking my antidepressants again but don't think it has kicked in...I just want him back in a week it will be our 6 month anniversary and we both planned so much he was so excited kills me ugh