GreatInquiry7

Hey guys!

I have tried stopping drinking completely multiple times. I have stopped for 2 months at a time, 3 months at a time, and the most recent I said I was going to stop for AT LEAST a year, and quit “quitting” after 3 weeks. Nothing bad happened, but I drank three nights in a row, and felt like complete and utter crap after and just wonder why do I do that to myself.

When I drink, I don’t typically drink to cover pain, or to drown sorrows – its usually driven by a root cause of “letting loose”, and “being social”. I’m ultimately driven to the party lifestyle that alcohol brings and maybe that’s the real addiction. I find it very hard to go out to bars and meet people without at least one drink… and I find it very awkward to set up non-alcoholic dates with girls. I think a big trigger is realizing this, and saying meeting people is more important to me than sobriety and then I throw it out the window.

If there was a way for me to get the best of both words the “party lifestyle” and dating “without alcohol” – I think I’d be good to go but this is hard for me. I’m either partying and drinking, or isolated and sober.

I find myself rationalizing that you can go out and have 1-3 with this group or this person. And typically it ends up in a hammered night or a multiple day bender.

When I’m not drinking for 1, 2, 3 months I feel great, I love it – but I feel like I’m missing out on dating, social events etc. and that’s very important to me and that’s what brings me back.

Now for the drinking itself. Its not ‘normal’ drinking. It is insanely heavy once I get going and I know its dangerous and thats why I KNOW I need to do something about it. I do not have much control whatsoever after I start and I know thats a problem. Some nights I’m able to keep it to a low amount especially in business related situations. But if I have nothing to do the next day, or days there are no holds barred its off to the races. My worst bender was 10 nights in a row of heavy and expensive partying and I swore to myself never again, well… here we are.

I know this is a bit of a ramble. But anyway – my end goal would be to quit for good, never drink again while still maintain a social/dating life and being able to let loose. The logical answer is to change your lifestyle - but I get depressive when I can't meet people and it seems so much easier when alcohol is involved, as someone who has changed other habits (not drink related) maybe I just need to suck it up work through the initial discomfort.

I’m relatively young and the thought of partying like as I get older is not good (for my personally).

Anyone that can relate to killing this trigger would be helpful!

EDIT: PS - one more thing. I consciously realize I don't like what alcohol does to my mind, or clear thinking, but I drink anyway for the bodily relaxing effects. Its strange.

DreamCatcher17

Welcome to SR!

I would drink to be more social as well, and it did help when I was dating. But it also made all those events worse.

Now, I am not even looking at dating until I am good with me and who I am as a person. I don't need the approval from someone else to boost me up, I can do that all on my own because I know my self-worth.

It is recommended to not date until 1 year sober. I think the year is because it takes time to change the bad habits, we as addicts, made for ourselves.
I have gone on a date, and I found myself resorting back to my addict thinking and ways (not drinking though) So, I pulled myself back and relized until these issues are addressed dating is off the table for myself.
I also have too much going on in my life.

I moved out to the country, isolation... Yes, scary... But I need it. I need to dog down deep and realize my shortcomings, and I have found them with the help of a therapist and now I can work on all the childhood trauma that as ruined ALL my relationships.

That is me and my short story...

I hope you find what you are looking for!

Blessings,
DC

rich27

I felt like this too and it worked until more and more girls began feeling I drank too much on these dates. Now I'm trying to find girls who don't drink or are in the process of quitting. They can be found at weekend AA gatherings and I find they are much more approachable than someone in the bar looking for someone to buy them drinks. This habit can get pretty expensive over a period of time and I had nothing to show for it but foggy memories. Best of luck.

GreatInquiry7

Thanks Rich! I know where you're coming from. And those relationships are typically very shallow as well.

Have you found any other locations/gatherings that are great to find girls that don't drink much at all (besides AA). I know there are tons but would love any recommendation. If you feel better to PM on this topic, feel free!

Thanks

calmself

I feel this is the 'elephant in the room' question. There are some minor benefits to using alcohol as a social lubricant. It can definitely make conversation lighter with reduced protocols/stress. A zillion business deals and personal relationships have been struck with very light amounts involved.

But unfortunately, for alcoholics, this is a strict No No. It will only lead to the slippery path and hence a good idea to find other ways to overcome this and being sober. Maybe folks could say I am wrong here, but this is my honest opinion.

entropy1964

From my experience, both personal and with other addicts, addiction is progressive. Period. It will get worse, quickly or slowly, depending on the person. The consequences will get worse over time. When I first began quitting about 14 years ago I had never had a detox, or a bender or really anything negative. Only the realization that I was an alcoholic and that that was 'bad'. I wish I had listened to all the people in AA who said, "You haven't had (fill in the blank) happen YET". Oh my, they were so right. And I haven't had legal problems YET (which is often what others see as 'bottom') so I have that to look forward to. I do know for sure that as long as I'm breathing there are still more YETs to come. And I don't want to go there. BUT I'm a stubborn, somewhat arrogant, person. I had to see for myself just how bad it could get. It takes what it takes I guess.

So what I read in your post is a lot of myself. Yeah, I'm an alcoholic and that is 'bad' and not 'normal'. It's really just I like getting drunk, I'm a party person. I mean, how can I have fun without it? I mean, what will I do? I mean, how does one date or have sex without booze? Everyone does it, its every where. What about work functions, sports, concerts, holidays.......

and on and on. Until life gets so bad that quitting is the only option and figuring life out without alcohol is the only choice. That or die or kill someone.

It's all just a bunch of hoodie really. Everything in life can be done without alcohol. Its a beverage, not a hobby, or a friend or a God. Not easy for sure. But totally doable. And learning from folks that have done it is a great way to get there.

Bars, girls? I have never had a meaningful relationship with anyone I met in a bar. Yeah, I've 'dated' them for a while, but the real deal, nope. I recommend meetups. All kinds of different stuff to join. Volunteering for stuff like the national forest service, charities that clean up parks and rivers. Activities that at least don't involve drinking while you're involved in the activity.

There are some serious red flags in your post (nothing I haven't done myself so no judgment). If you're alcoholic, it will get worse. The sooner you accept that, the better off you'll be.

ScottFromWI

The notion that alcohol is "necessary" for anything is a very addictive thought. The subject of your message in itself assumes that not drinking=sober and isolated, which is not the case at all. There are entire segments of the population that don't drink due to religious or other societal reasons ( not because they are alcoholics ) and they live quite normal, satisfying lives - including social lives.

Certainly if you are an alcoholic ( and you need to decide that ) - hanging around with a bunch of drinkers is difficult . I tried to live my "old" life just minus the alcohol for a while - hanging out in the same places with the same people, but not drinking. I found it not only boring but pretty annoying when I realized how obnoxious I likely was when I got drunk myself.

There's definitely some major change to living a sober life, but it's absolutely false to assume that you cannot have a vibrant social life without drinking. There are book clubs, exercise groups, volunteer organizations, churches, service organizations, and many more groups that have opportunities to meet and enjoy the company of others.

SaturatedSeize

I faced the same problem, until I found a women to date that supports my recovery. It makes it that much better when I can be sober, and happy, and healthy, and NOT alone.

It's possible and I thought it wasn't. Don't settle, be comfortable being alone, and you have a lot more to offer.

Good luck!

FreeOwl

I wonder what might happen if you were to consciously commit to 6 months of sober socializing and dating.....

An intentional period of ‘partying’ without booze...... engaging in non-drinking social activity..... dating without alcohol.....

What might that look like?
What might you learn?
What might you create?

Would you be willing to give it a try?

We build what we see..... when we see isolation - we can easily create it.

When we open ourselves to social joy - we find the world offers plenty (even free of booze!)

DangerZone

Plenty of people go out and 'party' without drinking. They are the minority but they do exist. If they can do it you can too.

You have to get used to going to social events where there is drinking sober. It takes a lot of self-confidence and being comfortable with who you are. Alcohol used to do that for you now that you want to quit alcohol you have to develop that on your own.

Right now another problem I think you are having is you are looking at going out sober like it is a chore, boring, not fun, you are missing out, etc... If you keep looking at it like that you'll never be able to go out sober or you will be able to but you won't enjoy it. Try to turn those negative thoughts into positive ones and going out sober will be a hell of a lot more fun.

Like anything in life looking at the positives and not the negatives of a situation makes the situation easier to deal with and enjoy.

Dee74

I spent 20 years drinking at least partly because I believed I needed to do that in order for me to be social.

I conveniently glossed over the fact that I invariably ended up passed out in a corner somewhere - definitely not social.

Everyone has the fear that being sober means the phone won;t ring, you'll never go out and you'll be a shut in, a recluse.

My life certainly changed - it had to as it was all about drinking...and my friends changed too because they all drank like I did...but I found new friends and reconnected with old ones. I love the sober life I've built, My social life has never been better and and I love the me that reemerged when I stopped drinking.

Lots of changes - but absolutely no regrets

D

teatreeoil007

I don't drink. I'm social when I need to be. I don't feel isolated. But I do need a break from people and their attached dramas on a regular basis. The rare day that I get to spend entirely alone by myself with maybe my dog or my cat for company is a very good day for me. Sober!

FreeOwl

Boy can I relate to this!

GreatInquiry7

These two comments make a lot of sense to me as outside of drinking I'm great at "emotional control" and reframing situations.... or so I thought!

Going to take these a bit deeper, thanks!

GreatInquiry7

I can relate to this. Although my post is all about being social, I love my alone time and solitude and THEN I don't need to drink.

However, say for example I go out for 4 nights in a row, when I'm alone on the 5th and 6th day - I will get heavy cravings (as expected).

Thanks for the response.

Buckley3

By the end of my drinking days I was pretty much disillusioned with it. So, I guess I haven't really missed it.

I am growing to enjoy time alone. Not always the best and I haven't figured out a replacement social life strategy yet, but it'll come.

-B

gettingsmarter

With some sober time I have learned to be much better in social situations than when drinking. I actually have meaningful conversations that can be remembered.

When drinking I used to think I was so funny and deep. In reality I just thought I was because the alcohol makes you think your all that. Now I hear drunk people and they are freaking annoying. Same conversations repeated over and over. There is nothing meaningful about it.

Renvate

I've made it a conscious goal to do everything you said sober. To learn these skills.

Skills just don't always fall in our lap and sometimes if one method is not working, or its outdated you have to discipline yourself to learn a new method. That is the path of growth.

And don't forget, your associating with a certain crowd of people. If you venture out into new social territories you will learn that alot of woman want to meet outside of alcohol, and to them drinking is even considered just as strange as smoking.

Now if your young and still going through the party scene phase, then I believe you will have a harder time trying to stop even though you have already realised your on a dangerous path.

You will find eventually the socialising band partying gets boring and you will start drinking at home alone.

I just recently stopped drinking and partying because it was literally putting me and others in danger, my alcoholism was starting to get out of control - all thanks to starting at social partying.

teatreeoil007

This ^^^

I'm guessing you're full grown physically. But you are still growing and changing mentally, emotionally, spiritually. and ideally we continue to grow in those ways....In fact, our brains continue to change throughout our lives....finding new ways to do things is a challenge. Are you doubting whether or not you are up for the challenge? You know you need to change. This change includes a whole different way of thinking and functioning without using alcohol as an aid. You can do it.