Struggling
 

Hi everyone.

I’m reaching out again because my head has been in a rough place lately and of course I’ve been drinking.

2018 has not been great for me so far. After maintaining a pretty solid stretch of sobriety in the second half of last year, I kicked off this year by going through a really tough breakup with a girl I thought at one point would be the girl I marry. Boom, back to the bottle I went. I found out recently that she is seeing someone new and it was like getting sucker punched in the gut. The past few weeks have been really tough for me and I can’t take it anymore.

My relationship to alcohol at this point is absolutely torturous. I never really want to drink. In fact I really do despise it. But I let the thought of temporary “escape” and the impulsive nature of addiction drive me to ignore how I really feel. It is terrible.

I used AVRT and meditation last year to stay sober for months. I was really dedicated and consistent. I wanted it. But getting over this girl has been tough. And I know it will be easier if I’m not drinking myself into oblivion every night and waking up miserable.

I tried some AA meetings early last year but quickly felt out of place. I simply couldn’t identify with anyone I met. It actually depressed me even further. Every stretch of sobriety I’ve ever maintained was done on my own using some form of mindfulness. So now I’m buckling down again with AVRT and mindfulness meditation practice. I had one night last week where I didn’t drink. I didn’t sleep much, but still felt better the next day than I would if I had drank. And honestly it wasn’t a challenge. I wasn’t being tormented by the urge to drink, but I was being very present and observing of my thoughts. So I know I can do this if I remain vigilant. It’s just really tough with where my head’s at right now.

I’ve also decided that intimate relationships are off the table for me until I get sober and feel secure in my sobriety. Because this has been awful.

Hi mns! I can relate to a lot of what you say. I'm also a binge drinker. I was using alcohol to "escape" emotions. But, of course as we've learned, there is no escape. We have to feel them and process them. I know I'll never stay sober if I don't. Journaling is helping me, as well as "thinking through the drink"..... If I have 'just one', I'll have 10. Next morning be hung over and full of shame and regret. Then have to start all over again. I am so sick of doing that to myself.

Be kind to yourself and keep posting. We can do this!

Not pushing AA, just a train of thought as I can relate. I also quickly felt out of place...because I was! So I continued to return to my comfort place and what I knew, which was drinking. That I knew! I needed to change and push myself to do things differently, otherwise, nothing was going to change and I was going to wind up back in my comfort place (AKA alcoholic hell). I needed to be uncomfortable in order to finally truly be able to experience what it was like to be comfortable in my own skin.

Hi halvso. Thanks for your response. It’s funny, I just met with my therapist and he was explaining to me the importance of allowing myself to feel what I’m feeling as opposed to always resisting.

Thank you for your perspective nez. I’m glad meetings ended up working out for you. For me, it was a deep sense of not feeling like I belonged. That is not a jab at any of the individuals I met as people. Many of them were delightful. They just seemed not like the right people for me to be around.

welcome back

" I used AVRT .. to stay sober last year"

Given that you use (like?) mindfulness practices , I'm sure you appreciate how powerful a mindset can be.

Use AVRT, this year ( this minute actually ;) ) to Quit, for good , no matter what. There will be no need to worry about staying sober, after you quit, boom you are!
( really we dont't act to "stay" sober , that is the natural default state of being, drinking is what requires action to change or alter the natural state of being, sober is actually an odd concept recovery-wise , it connotes 'a state of being', when it really denotes 'the state of being' )