mistory5

This a confession. I drank for a whole week after having 2 weeks clean time. This behavior i am engaging in is the same mess over and over. I feel im literally going insane. When I put the drink down I come here every day, video online meetings, f2f meetings . I notice that I stop doing this recovery thing for about 2 days b4 I give in very easily to that voice that tells me that i can drink normally. I wont tell on myself to anyone where im at in my thinking. This thing of not reaching out when i start romancing the idea of drinking makes me honestly question do i really, sincerely want to stop or am I truly insane and need to be put in psychiatric hospital for the rest of my life?

Forward12

Only you can make that decision. You can throw your life away as being a good-for-nothing drunk, or find sobriety and lead a healthy, fulfilled life.
The choice is yours, I hope you make the right one

ProfessorD

I'd say try getting sober first! You can always go to the insane asylum later I'm just kidding. I'm the same way. I think it boils down to the old advice of just focusing on not having that first drink. We are all helpless and irrational once we drink; that's what makes us alcoholics.

PeacefulWater12

I empathize as I was caught in that horrible cycle for quite some time, then one day I managed not to repeat the cycle and here I am approaching 8 years sober.

You can opt out of the cycle, reaching out for help if you think you are going to pick up a drink is very helpful.

mistory5

You're absolutely right...straight to the point and on point.

mistory5

Yeah...i don't think I really know fully what is an alcoholic is. Or I know but fully have not accepted myself as one and the simple treatment of dont put any alchohol in any form into my body. Although, listening to other alcoholics whether they are sober or not is like looking into a mirror. Most of their stories are my story accept the stories about the long term sober life. The way they describe it sounds beautiful, but I find it so hard seeing myself being like them. Alcohol has been in my life since I was 15, Im now 55 and started drinking alcoholically at 41....its been a long time.

FreeOwl

All I can tell ya is when I stopped asking questions like that and instead started putting ALL my focus on CHOOSING sobriety and ACTING in support of that choice, every day....

Well, my life got better and better and better.

It was hard at first. Lots of times I had to CHOOSE to get to a meeting or come on SR or read the big book or go to my therapist or on a long run...... INSTEAD of choosing to back off my recovery actions.....

But, it got easier and easier and better and better and better and better and bettter and better......

mistory5

Ty, not reaching out b4 I pick up i think has been the biggest reason I keep staying on this merry go round. Im going to sincerely try to talk with others in recovery and stop being passive and floating around just listening and reading on here and other recovery groups i belong to.

Anna

Mistory, the fact that you are here speaks volumes. You do know what you need to do and you know you must break the cycle. We are here to offer you support when you start to romance the idea of drinking again. You can do this!

mistory5

Ty for sharing your experience with me. Its definitely a problem with me staying in action mode and staying diligent to recovery. I hope i can be where you are and make the right choices from this day forward. Its just so hard imagining being free from this alcohol.

BDTL

IMO you need to decide once and for all what you really want out of life. Alcohol will not give you anything in return. Being sober will give you everything you ever wanted. I can tell you this, I would not trade how good my body feels after only 48 days for frigging booze EVER again. I wish you could feel how good it truly feels and then you would be like balls to wall let's get sober ya'll. I hope you fine what you are looking for and just maybe it has something to do with being healthy. You can do it if you set mind to a better life.

Dee74

I agree the fact you're here means you want change.
Don't let yourself be convinced otherwise.

Make a commitment to posting here daily no matter what - if you miss a day, you'll know you're in trouble...and you should have a recovery action plan for that scenario.

D

mistory5

Awww. Ty so much. My AV always try to say to me why are you going to try to reach out to people online who don't even know you and don't care. This is truly one of the lines it says to me when I get ready to drink...gives me the poor me...pity drinking party is what you need crap. You made a tear come to my eyes. All of you on sr have. I just can't imagine why strangers would be willing to help. I can't even imagine people I know helping me. I don't have any decent f2f recovery relationships with people

least

Do you want to be sober more than you want to drink?

mistory5

Ty, yes if I can just get to 30 days plus. Physical I feel better when I first stop, but notice I don't have energy, which I desperately need to accomplish the things I want to do. Even simple things like purging a closet or painting walls in my house become undoable and my AV will start throwing my inability to try to improve things an issue to drink over. Ty for the encouragement...I really need the SR community.

mistory5

Ty, but what do you mean by a recovery action plan?

mistory5

Im having a difficult time getting a straight answer from myself for that question. I don't think i behave like someone who sincerely wants to stop. But I see the alcohol slowly stripping everything from me. I remember my first rehab and AA meetings in 2004 when I first the term "not yet" so many of those not yets have become yes, alchohol has done this or that to me. Im really scared at how much further Im going to go down hill. But the fear doesn't seem strong enough or effective in stopping me from picking up that 1st drink.

Rar

Hi Mistory - you can do this. Reach out to SR BEFORE you drink or even if you feel you MIGHT cave and wait for answers. You don't need a crisis to post and ask for help. Any reason or even none at all is sufficient to ask for help when you're in need. We get it. POST ANYWAY - and wait.

Nonsensical

Rather normal behavior for an addict trying to get on top of their addiction, but lacking the tools/skills to do it. It very closely reflects my personal experience.

I didn't need an insane asylum. I needed to find tools and build skills. That requires focusing on the solution, not the problem. And a lot of hard work.

You can do this.

mistory5

Ty everyone...i must admit it helps letting stuff out and hearing feedback from those that have been there done that and stopped. Even reading stories of recent relaspes helps, but i gotta be careful with the latter when i start the warning signs im getting ready to pick up again. Its a lot of 'the bottom line is you gotta do the work, make recovery top priority no matter what you're feeling and you can do this ' feedback. Thanks again.