Living in the Head
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 674
Living in the Head
Thought I'd do a quick check in and update. Thought it might be worth sharing some reflections I've been mulling over of late.
The check in part - I'm just in a waiting period. I'm past 90 days. Don't know how many exactly, I don't feel a need to count. I'm sure I will when I sense I'm approaching a symbolic milestone.
Basically I've done all I can do since quitting to clean up the wreckage. Now it's a waiting game... primarily with getting my house sold and waiting to be sentenced for my 3rd OWI.
That brings me to the reflections. As I wait. As I exist in a place that I'm not able to exert control over things I've struggled. Yesterday I was full of anxiety. It mostly boils down to control and letting go - but also living in my head.
I'm discovering that a lot of what goes through my mind is not worth engaging. A lot of worry and fear if I'm honest. Speculating and ruminating about things that I can't control or that aren't really based on living. Every single time I turn my attention to doing something instead of sitting around thinking I find I feel much better.
I'm changing up some things on my treatment plan. I've started investigating & researching AVRT - specifically the rational recovery site. I plan to hit a Smart Recovery meeting this week. I find the scientific approach and the rational part really resonates with me.
I'm finding I have no desire - and more importantly I do not see much utility - in treating myself like a victim or a broken person. There's a line from rational recovery that struck home big time - 'addiction is chemically reinforced stupidity.'
That I used to use booze and drugs as coping mechanisms to avoid living, and that the dopamine spikes reinforced that behavior - those are things that I find are useful to understand. They are also things I think I can engage and work on conditioning. I'll be asking my therapist about some CBT techniques.
I recognize that I've experienced some trauma in my life and that I chose to not handle that trauma very smart or very responsibly. The reason - as if I need one anymore - to never drink again is simply the awareness that I can not afford to use that as a coping mechanism. "Normal" people may not have that issue. I do.
No biggie. In that respect it seems very straightforward and very manageable. I drink and terrible things happen. So don't drink.
I'm also starting to learn about the difference between self-compassion and self-esteem. It's a subtle but powerful one. I don't think my self-esteem needs much work. It's about self-compassion. I've learned that focusing on self-esteem inevitably leads to comparing myself to others - and that's a trap for me big time. I don't really need help with confidence. I need help to not be so damn hard on myself. I need to help myself to accept myself - warts and all. That's something I really really struggle with. But at least I'm zero-ing in on the underlying issues.
The rest is just rambling. Not sure what my point is except I'm becoming much more aware of the garbage that my mind is able to generate and the worthlessness of living in my head. I hope for anyone brand new that they are able to find ways to get out of the head and into something that - over time - makes a difference.
Hope all are doing well.
-B
The check in part - I'm just in a waiting period. I'm past 90 days. Don't know how many exactly, I don't feel a need to count. I'm sure I will when I sense I'm approaching a symbolic milestone.
Basically I've done all I can do since quitting to clean up the wreckage. Now it's a waiting game... primarily with getting my house sold and waiting to be sentenced for my 3rd OWI.
That brings me to the reflections. As I wait. As I exist in a place that I'm not able to exert control over things I've struggled. Yesterday I was full of anxiety. It mostly boils down to control and letting go - but also living in my head.
I'm discovering that a lot of what goes through my mind is not worth engaging. A lot of worry and fear if I'm honest. Speculating and ruminating about things that I can't control or that aren't really based on living. Every single time I turn my attention to doing something instead of sitting around thinking I find I feel much better.
I'm changing up some things on my treatment plan. I've started investigating & researching AVRT - specifically the rational recovery site. I plan to hit a Smart Recovery meeting this week. I find the scientific approach and the rational part really resonates with me.
I'm finding I have no desire - and more importantly I do not see much utility - in treating myself like a victim or a broken person. There's a line from rational recovery that struck home big time - 'addiction is chemically reinforced stupidity.'
That I used to use booze and drugs as coping mechanisms to avoid living, and that the dopamine spikes reinforced that behavior - those are things that I find are useful to understand. They are also things I think I can engage and work on conditioning. I'll be asking my therapist about some CBT techniques.
I recognize that I've experienced some trauma in my life and that I chose to not handle that trauma very smart or very responsibly. The reason - as if I need one anymore - to never drink again is simply the awareness that I can not afford to use that as a coping mechanism. "Normal" people may not have that issue. I do.
No biggie. In that respect it seems very straightforward and very manageable. I drink and terrible things happen. So don't drink.
I'm also starting to learn about the difference between self-compassion and self-esteem. It's a subtle but powerful one. I don't think my self-esteem needs much work. It's about self-compassion. I've learned that focusing on self-esteem inevitably leads to comparing myself to others - and that's a trap for me big time. I don't really need help with confidence. I need help to not be so damn hard on myself. I need to help myself to accept myself - warts and all. That's something I really really struggle with. But at least I'm zero-ing in on the underlying issues.
The rest is just rambling. Not sure what my point is except I'm becoming much more aware of the garbage that my mind is able to generate and the worthlessness of living in my head. I hope for anyone brand new that they are able to find ways to get out of the head and into something that - over time - makes a difference.
Hope all are doing well.
-B
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 572
Buckley3
I use all modalities of recovery, but SMART (SmartRecovery.org; they have online meetings as well as in person ones) works best for me. It’s based on disputing irrational beliefs, generally, and specifically. It’s helped me address other non-drinking facets that I need to work on.
I go to meetings too, but not really into working the steps (tried it, stopped). I don’t see myself as a victim with a disease either. I just liked to drink. I can’t drink responsibly, so best I don’t drink.
That’s about the extent of it.
I feel you regarding limbo, and general apprehension. Congrats on your soon-to-be triple-digit days.
I use all modalities of recovery, but SMART (SmartRecovery.org; they have online meetings as well as in person ones) works best for me. It’s based on disputing irrational beliefs, generally, and specifically. It’s helped me address other non-drinking facets that I need to work on.
I go to meetings too, but not really into working the steps (tried it, stopped). I don’t see myself as a victim with a disease either. I just liked to drink. I can’t drink responsibly, so best I don’t drink.
That’s about the extent of it.
I feel you regarding limbo, and general apprehension. Congrats on your soon-to-be triple-digit days.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Buck - great post, great news, great work.
I find the anti-victim/patient in recovery methods speak most to me. I reread Trippey's RR book again at the start of this, my final, round with sobriety.
All the rest is life that you have to work with, against and for. Really happy to hear you are in the 90s man, that's inspiring to me. More than happy for you.
This quote by Tolle rings true, "whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it. Make it your friend and ally, not your enemy." I think there's a real profundity in attempting to do that.
Thanks again for checking in Buck and props again on your sobriety.
I find the anti-victim/patient in recovery methods speak most to me. I reread Trippey's RR book again at the start of this, my final, round with sobriety.
All the rest is life that you have to work with, against and for. Really happy to hear you are in the 90s man, that's inspiring to me. More than happy for you.
This quote by Tolle rings true, "whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it. Make it your friend and ally, not your enemy." I think there's a real profundity in attempting to do that.
Thanks again for checking in Buck and props again on your sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Florida., USA
Posts: 3,252
HI Buckley. Thanks for your post. Much of it resonated with me. My biggest problem is dwelling on the thoughts that run through my head. I know that I must practice on letting them go. You sound like you're getting to a good place in your recovery. I'm very happy for you. How do you like your new place and shorter commute to work?
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