Hugs to you Professor. I hope you wake up this morning refreshed and ready for a great day.

Well I ate ice cream yesterday so day 1 for me today. Ugh

Thanks venuscat. I'm going to make a cappuccino (no sugar) which will have to serve as breakfast. I don't feel like eating today. I'm exhausted, and I know as soon as I eat something all the cravings--for food, for sugar, for alcohol--will flood in. I simply don't feel up to the struggle today.

Sunflower79, I think you still did a great job! Don't be hard on yourself at the beginning. Every day is another day for us :)

But you didn't eat last night ProfD.....I don't think......hmmm..... :hug: ♥

This is something I hope you'll take a closer look at when you're feeling more steady.

Food is healing. Food is good. Good, balanced nutrition supports emotional wellness. "Punishing" yourself because of your husband's actions sounds like codependency...that's what got me into recovery in 1989.

Have you read any of the sticky posts on the Friends & Family side? Treatment for codependency (in all my relationships) saved my life.

Please eat, it will help you feel better. Even if you eat 3000 calories today, you still will be under your needs. Don't let the eating disorder get a stronghold. :hug:

It's okay Sunflower- today is a new day and if you are ready to give up the sugar we can help you but if you feel that sobriety comes first right now, that is okay too. Some of us need to tackle one addiction at a time. I had already started keto when I got sober last year so it helped but I was still binge eating. I'm 13 months sober now and finally able to focus 100% on the food. It takes time!

You will know in your heart what feels best for you right now. And if it was just ice cream and not a binge, isn't that okay too? If I could eat just a bowl of ice cream, I would not beat myself up about it. It's the compulsive, non stop eating that is the problem.

Hope you have a great day. Be gentle with your mind and your soul today!!
~Sunny

I have to agree that this sounds like slipping into negative behaviors due to the stress/resentment of your husband. If you eat a low glycemic meal will it still give you sugar and alcohol cravings? Can you start with a fatty coffee at least to get some calories in? It doesn't have to have sugar but some coconut oil or butter will at least give your body some fuel. Please rethink this ProfD- don't let the actions of others control your self worth/love. You are not him or his behaviors. You are a separate entity, worthy of nourishment.

We are here for you and I hope my comment isn't too pushy.
~Sunny

Day 4 over here and feeling pretty good! I had a great lower body workout this morning despite hitting snooze for 30 minutes this morning. Not sure why my body is taking longer to wake up this week but I'm hoping I will get back to "normal" in the next few days.

Have some errands to run and then my last school pick up of the year at 12:15. Then it's off to the park and for a celebratory playdate with 2 of their friends. I am feeling much better than I did yesterday thank God. No cravings to binge in sight. Going to have a fatty protein shake as my first meal and making a curry for dinner- not sure about lunch just yet but probably a salad.

Have a great day my friends!

Working day 9.

I wanted to check in as I offloaded my biggest weekly trigger. Has been in my life for couple years, is an absolute pita. I have allowed it to trip me up so many times. Either on the event or after the event. The backdraft from keeping myself all together to get through it.

Well as of a couple hours ago, its gone from my life. I will not let it back.

I felt fearful doing it but sat with that.

Onwards all.

Good stuff, PeacefulWaters. :) Well done.

I encourage you to find a way that is more nurturing and gives you self care rather than this way.

Starving ourselves leads to binges and weakness.

I find eating a meal heavy in protein with some veggies too doesn't set off cravings, it also nourishes. We cannot operate when starving.

I know you know this, I say it as it feels to me that if I didnt I would not be supporting you with proper care and thought.

Great job, PW!

Thanks for the concern and advice. I'm fully aware this is an unhealthy not to mention immature way to handle things. I will try to eat lunch. It just feels very good right now to just numb out and detach. Same feeling as drinking, actually. It's the balance that feels painful.

I will try to do better.

I completely relate. Something I struggle with too. Sending hugs of support.

I had a slice of cheese and a spoon of peanut butter. That's all for now, but better than nothing. I intend to make dinner a normal, balanced meal.

Numb out and detach.....love.....this is dangerous......and this is coming from someone who used to starve herself for fun.....especially as recovering alcoholics....the lack of food (bim can explain the science....I just know how it all feels) really intensifies craving for booze, and if there is stress on board that caused the whole thing.....

I will eat with you. You can eat another egg maybe? Boiled egg....70 calories, good protein....or maybe some tuna?

:hug:

It's understandable to try to control that which we can control, right? I mean, husband goes out drinking, I feel bad about so much about that. Why can't he just come home? Why doesn't he want to be with me? Why does he drink so much? Is this all going to end badly? Why can't I control my thoughts, his actions, our relationship? It isn't supposed to be like this...I feel helpless.

What can I control? What I put in my mouth.

I used to do this when I was seriously stressed too. I learned it when I was small latchkey kid. Back then I truly had no control. As an adult, I absolutely do have a choice to make my life better. If something isn't working, I can find a solution that doesn't cause more self-harm.

I can detach with love.

That's what healing from codependency means to me. Detach from other peoples' unhealthy behaviors without intentionally hurting them or myself in the process.

Thanks, I know this is self-destructive. I'm feeling better. I'll eat more soon when I get home.

Beautiful ESH in here. Thanks all.

I'm having a really tough two days- a lot of panic/anxiety and this last hour was the worst. I was out with a friend and the kids were playing great (we were outside at a snowball place) until it was time to leave. My oldest started acting up, and caused quite the scene as we were leaving- he screamed "You are so mean" and "I hate you...I really really hate you" as he scooped up sand in his shoes to bring into the car and I dumped them out. I have a very hard time with him and his behavior, and public humiliation is a huge trigger for me.

I yelled and then cried on the drive home and now I want to stuff my face. I had a yogurt and some almond butter to calm down but damn it, I'm still so upset even though we just talked things through. It's just so embarrassing and the worst part is that 2 other families from his class were there too, one of which gave me her number earlier today so we could plan a play date. Now she probably won't even want to follow through with that because he looks like a problem child, I'm sure and I look like an awful mom.

And of course I blame myself for letting him have a sugary treat- what do I expect? If it affects my mood, why wouldn't it affect his? I just wish he could transition better from one activity to the next. I wish I could stay calm when he gets aggressive and mean. I was not the person I wanted to be today and I am ashamed of that.

I just want to curl in a ball and hibernate. I feel so lost. I don't want to be a parent right now. I can't handle it.

Oh love....just want to give you a ginormous hug. ♥♥♥