hellorockview1

Does anyone else do this? Use their sobriety to avoid social obligations because there will either be alcohol there or because you used to drink in those situations and you'd rather do introverted activities at home? I also use AA meetings as an excuse not to he home when my wife is particularly chatty or has friends and family over at the house. When its called out, I sarcastically hide behind my sobriety and laugh about it like I'm winning whatever game I'm trying to play with my wife. Ive been sober for 17 months and am not tempted to go back out, but drinking did bring me out of my shell and sobriety has enabled me to enjoy my shell a bit too much. Ive been using sobriety as leverage in my relationships to get my way. I'm on step 11 and the obsession to drink has been lifted but i still have some of the "f you" tendancies I had before I started drinking as a teenager.

My salary has increased 50 percent since I stopped drinking and some other things have been going well, but i just got called out for this today and I'm curious to know if anyone else does this.

Numblady

Well I don’t think I do but it’s impresisve you are in touch with what you are doing and taking a good look at it. Seems like a positive choice. Sorry I don’t have anything concrete to offer!

August252015

Yikes. I don't consider my sobriety as a weapon- it's not part of a game I play against myself or anyone else.

I use my RECOVERY as a foundation for what I do and do not do, and game playing (sarcasm, F-U behavior, etc) just isn't part of my drama-free, rigorously honest, joyful life. Works quite well with my husband, friends and family.

Wishing you peace.

Dee74

Hi hellorockview - welcome back

I can relate to that - but only as a drinker.

Everything was about oneupmanship, scoring points, keeping score, me being a winner and me avoiding things and not doing anything I didn't want to do.

Gotta ask - have you done anything else for your recovery besides just not drinking? still doing AA? steps?

D

hellorockview1

Still doing AA and am on step 11

Anna

I wonder the same as Dee. What changes have you made in your life besides stopping drinking? I think of recovery as a life journey. I'm not an AA person, but I can't imagine game-playing and oneupmanship being a part of my life.

PeacefulWater12

Have you thought how your wife might feel about this behaviour?

Nonsensical

Interesting.
I didn't go to meetings, so I didn't have anyplace to go hide to avoid whatever uncomfortable situation arose.

I remember for a while I wanted an immediate payoff for 'behaving myself'. I stayed sober all week, why do I have to clean the kitchen?
I wouldn't actually say it out loud, but I'd be thinking it. I'm sure that influenced my mood.

I started coaching/therapy over a year ago and that has been very helpful. The world looks very different to me when I don't have to be right all the time.

Congrats on your sober time!

Best of Luck on Your Journey!

dcg

Cool.

Not cool.

Renvate

Glad to know iam not the only one who is not chitty chitty when the other half had random friends over she just met.

August252015

^^ Not cool, and much like we did when drinking. The phrase "dry drunk" is a serious one that describes the remaining "focus" of our behavior, except the drinking part. Just food for your thoughts.

Dee74

Did you make an amends to your wife?

D

entropy1964

I know that the dynamics in my relationships were established while I was drinking. And I know that the partner/husband/wife dynamic can be very complex when addiction is involved. The whole drinking buddy, codependent, enabler, manipulator, narcissict deal.

I would recommend you talk with your sponsor about this. Maybe you guys need to take a much closer look at step 4. The fears and sex relationships portion. If you are still engaging in these behaviors to this very conscious extent, ya need to take a few steps back. Start over.

BlownOne

I read an interesting book written by a gentleman who has been in recovery for a long time. He said that he looks at his relationship with his wife and family as a service commitment as part of his recovery. He mentions that every day, he tries to act in such a manner as to validate his wife's decision to marry him by treating her well and doing what he needs to do, (even when he'd sometimes rather not) for the sake of their marriage. I thought that was a very interesting observation. Obviously, that could apply in any area of one's life, but I imagine it takes on a special meaning, (a kind of reparation if you will) after all the misery and heartache we put our loved ones thru during our drinking careers.
Congrats on the 17 months sober! That's awesome!
s

PalmerSage

I can definitely relate to the part where you said you use sobriety as an excuse to isolate, or not attend social events you would rather not anyway. However, I try not to view it as an excuse, rather as a way to be more true to myself, since past patterns included: Accept unwanted social invitation/cue resentment/drink in response to resentment/lather, rinse, repeat.

MindfulMan

I think it’s fantastic that you are so aware and in touch with your behaviors, thoughts and feelings around this. I think you already know the answer. Sounds like a revisit to Step 4 might be helpful. I’m not an AA person, but I am working through issues that have emerged in therapy post sobriety that may have been hidden by substance use.

hellorockview1

I did as part of step nine last year.