Do you do what your sponsor tells you?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Oakland
Posts: 561
Do you do what your sponsor tells you?
My sponsor "suggested" I don't to an social event where cocktails will be served. I wanted to ask if people do everything their sponsor "suggests". Thanks.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Hillsboro Oregon
Posts: 154
It depends on where you are at in recovery. I am only 28 days along and I am not ready to go into the lions den yet. That being said, my best friend of 30 yrs turns 60 tomorrow. There will be mostly non drinkers. The drinks will start flowing later when the party winds down. I plan to get out of Dodge before that.
Last edited by Marcutah1; 06-01-2018 at 11:29 PM. Reason: Needed to rewrite a couple of sentences.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,344
I think it's good advice.
I went to those kinds of things many times intending not to drink, but always did.
It's a cocktail party - it's built around drinking.
Noones saying we can never go to a cocktail party again - now I can go anywhere and do anything and know I won't be tempted to drink...I went to a pub last night to hear some mates play...but I had to work up to that point.
What are some of your reasons you're reluctant to heed this suggestion press?
D
I went to those kinds of things many times intending not to drink, but always did.
It's a cocktail party - it's built around drinking.
Noones saying we can never go to a cocktail party again - now I can go anywhere and do anything and know I won't be tempted to drink...I went to a pub last night to hear some mates play...but I had to work up to that point.
What are some of your reasons you're reluctant to heed this suggestion press?
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Dee's question is definitely worth some reflection. What are some of your reasons you're reluctant to follow your sponsors suggestion?
I have chosen not to follow my sponsors suggestions in the past. Turns out I still prefer to learn the hard way sometimes. On those occasions I shopped around for alternative suggestions til I found someone who suggested what the action that I wanted to hear. Then when it went wrong I spent a little while resenting the person whose suggestion I did follow, and my sponsor for being 'right', and getting all defensive because I thought my sponsor and others were gonna get all 'i told you so' on my arse (which they didn't anyway).
What's so great about this cocktail party you want to go to? Is there a chance you could organise yourself an alternative event that would tick those boxes which would be more condusive to your recovery and sobriety? Slippery places and slippery people and all that.
BB
I have chosen not to follow my sponsors suggestions in the past. Turns out I still prefer to learn the hard way sometimes. On those occasions I shopped around for alternative suggestions til I found someone who suggested what the action that I wanted to hear. Then when it went wrong I spent a little while resenting the person whose suggestion I did follow, and my sponsor for being 'right', and getting all defensive because I thought my sponsor and others were gonna get all 'i told you so' on my arse (which they didn't anyway).
What's so great about this cocktail party you want to go to? Is there a chance you could organise yourself an alternative event that would tick those boxes which would be more condusive to your recovery and sobriety? Slippery places and slippery people and all that.
BB
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 958
Originally Posted by calmself 
Dee, I love the way you ask open ended questions to help people be self-guided onto the right path. I have seen this trait in Senior Directors/Partners. Excellent!
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
I don't go to "cocktail" parties even now, at 27 mo and change.
I was VERY slow to re-create a social life. For about 90 days, I didn't go to anything much, or I was "out" with my parents. Right at 90 I went with them to our beach house where I pretty much rested inside.
First bigger out of town trip was at 9 mo, with my now husband (also in recovery)- I learned serious lessons about my need and desire not to have any alcohol in my body- including food. I realized that there were more things than I had thought I wouldn't eat anymore (and probably tiramisu and red sauce for pastas were the two biggest "losses"!).
I went to my first party at 14 mo, my first wedding at 17....
So to circle back to your question, I would follow my sponsor's idea on this one; I got my first sponsor at 97 days and if I recall correctly I did follow 99% of her suggestions (she was very direct about things like establishing a BB study routine and I still follow that to this day- I read pp 84-88 and 417-418). I started bristling at things she said, and through a lot of self-examination and honesty, I changed sponsors to the one I still have. Now, she is more of a wise friend than "just" a sponsor, but she has a similar manner as Dee, and usually great advice from her own experience.
Everyone's different, including sponsors. I never want(ed) one who babied me, or didn't have strong directions in working a program; I do (did) want one for long term who challenges my thinking as my current life struggles come up.
And- I have NEVER regretted saying no, to anything. Some things I've looked back on and thought yea, I could have been ok doing that - but that's WAY better than putting myself in any situation I can't handle and remain emotionally sober in (which IMO precludes my physical sobriety, which gradually became my focus).
I was VERY slow to re-create a social life. For about 90 days, I didn't go to anything much, or I was "out" with my parents. Right at 90 I went with them to our beach house where I pretty much rested inside.
First bigger out of town trip was at 9 mo, with my now husband (also in recovery)- I learned serious lessons about my need and desire not to have any alcohol in my body- including food. I realized that there were more things than I had thought I wouldn't eat anymore (and probably tiramisu and red sauce for pastas were the two biggest "losses"!).
I went to my first party at 14 mo, my first wedding at 17....
So to circle back to your question, I would follow my sponsor's idea on this one; I got my first sponsor at 97 days and if I recall correctly I did follow 99% of her suggestions (she was very direct about things like establishing a BB study routine and I still follow that to this day- I read pp 84-88 and 417-418). I started bristling at things she said, and through a lot of self-examination and honesty, I changed sponsors to the one I still have. Now, she is more of a wise friend than "just" a sponsor, but she has a similar manner as Dee, and usually great advice from her own experience.
Everyone's different, including sponsors. I never want(ed) one who babied me, or didn't have strong directions in working a program; I do (did) want one for long term who challenges my thinking as my current life struggles come up.
And- I have NEVER regretted saying no, to anything. Some things I've looked back on and thought yea, I could have been ok doing that - but that's WAY better than putting myself in any situation I can't handle and remain emotionally sober in (which IMO precludes my physical sobriety, which gradually became my focus).
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
cant say i did everything my sponsor suggested. many times i went back to him with,"i shoulda took yer advice."
as far as social events where alcohol is served,dam straight i didnt go to them in early recovery. i knew dam well what happened every single time i went somewhere alcohol was a theme- i got drunk.
i was working at getting away from temptation so walking smack dab into it was not wise.
there is a bit about that right in the big book and why. it should be noted WHERE in the big book the talk of that is- it mentions that assuming we are spiritually fit, which indicates after the steps have been worked.
as far as social events where alcohol is served,dam straight i didnt go to them in early recovery. i knew dam well what happened every single time i went somewhere alcohol was a theme- i got drunk.
i was working at getting away from temptation so walking smack dab into it was not wise.
there is a bit about that right in the big book and why. it should be noted WHERE in the big book the talk of that is- it mentions that assuming we are spiritually fit, which indicates after the steps have been worked.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
^^^it's in 84-88 and 417-418 - "I have a daily reprieve based on maintaining a fit spiritual condition,"When tempted, I recoil from liquor as a hot flame," "When I am disturbed I ...." ,"I really am an alcoholic of sorts, and it's alright with me." (para 4th ed).... these aren't things we get without time and learning to live a different life than we did when drinking.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
I listen to guidance of my sponsor especially in my early quit.
I personally wouldn't go to a cocktail party now a days as, in my experience, as being with a bunch of people hammered on cocktails as a sober person is boring.
I personally wouldn't go to a cocktail party now a days as, in my experience, as being with a bunch of people hammered on cocktails as a sober person is boring.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Lakeside, Arizona
Posts: 1,138
After a couple of relapses I learned I had to avoid any and all drinking occasions. Being in them is not fun, it wears me down and is incredibly stressful. My mind runs in circles. Now that I have some sobriety I find them to be very much not fun. Drunk people are not nearly as funny to me when I am sober. They tend to get on my nerves after they've told the same story a few times (the same story they keep telling over and over all night)
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