sadsadgirl

Help me, I drank yesterday and the day before. Started a new job this week and called in sick yesterday. I’m such an idiot. Chain smoking through the anxiety now. Please help

tonisherrell

Im here, and i know the feeling. I drank also. We can do this.

sadsadgirl

Thanks Toni. I am using today to get myself straight and to review why I did drink. It was a getting to know you meal and the team seem like big drinkers. I put it down to a family emergency calling in sick this week as I could feel myself going into “bender” mindset. I got myself home ASAP and have sobered up. Now the anxiety has hit. Have to travel back to London for a conference next week and am thinking of all the excuses I’ll use for not drinking again. I just can’t drink like a normie. Socialising with the team can wait until I’m back in the sobriety bus. Don’t want to feel like this again.

Anna

I'm sorry that you relapsed sadsadgirl. I agree with you that socializing with the team is not a good idea at this time. The anxiety will hopefully clear up soon. I wouldn't worry about coming up with excuses to explain not drinking. 'No thanks' should be sufficient. You don't owe anyone, including co-workers, an explanation as to why you drink or not.

I hope the new job works out well for you.

D122y

Sad,

For me...there is no mystery as to why I crave.

We addicts have central nervous system damage from our drugs of choice.

Without those drugs we feel everything. What I feel is normal, but parts of my brain are dead...forever.

Getting used to the rewiring takes years. While I get used to this, I suffer.

It is all about suffering. After a while, I have gotten used to that too.

I call the suffering paws.

I call being sober finally growing up.

Keeps it simple, with no mystery.

Hope this helps you.

Thanks.

Forward12

I would write down how you are feeling now, so you can read it again in the future of exactly what happens when you drink.
Missing work, feeling like garbage, it's just not worth it. This could easily end in getting fired and worse.
Getting a solid recovery plan in place also is crucial. AA, an addiction therapist, rational recovery, SMART, there are tons of options out there. This would be the thing to do with your day off is to research which path looks good to you, and hit the ground running with it tomorrow.

sadsadgirl

Thanks for the replies. Where my plan broke down was not having a proper plan for the occasion and not realising I was in a dangerous position. Sobriety must come first.

sadsadgirl

I feel dirty and like a cheat. I am sober today, but knocked down a peg or two that’s for sure

MantaLady

You're not alone ssg, I am back on Day 1 today after getting to 31 days. My plan was also flawed as I hadn't worked out any solutions to the situation that knocked me off the bus. I am certainly eating a portion of humble pie today too.
We just got to give it another shot, get back on the sober bus and learn from it. I'll be walking alongside you so let's do this! xx

sadsadgirl

Forward-just reread your post and you suggested I write how I’m feeling. Here goes:

I’m feeling like a fool. This was an opportunity for a clean slate and I ruined it by drinking with people after work and then having to make a vile excuse up why I couldn’t turn up the day after. I feel like a fraud, like I’m deceiving everyone who’s backed me and my bid for sobriety. I feel confused as to how quickly things have unraveled. So many questions-why? How? When did the lapse start? What if that’s it and my sober days are over? How long will this last? When will I get my spark back? Do I have enough strength to say no in the future? Round and round I go. Anxiety. I’ve got no compulsion to drink. Just chain smoking to feel like I’m doing something. Tomorrow I will stick on a nicotine patch as smoking is just a way to beat myself up more.

When I look back at the last few weeks I can see a lot of beating myself up in my thoughts. Invasive thoughts of stuff I’ve done when drinking. Perhaps that was a sign that I wasn’t doing so well mentally. Need to get back to working my steps and working to a plan not a feeling. Sorry for the ramble I’m all a bit meh.

Forward12

Put this on paper and keep it in your pocket to always look at when "The bad thoughts" arise.
Which recovery plan have you chosen to go with?

sadsadgirl

Thrown my smokes away, it only perpetuates the negativity and self destruction. Chewing on some nicotine gum and reading on here obsessively. God help me, I will never have to feel like this again. I choose freedom from this. Have to stay vigilant. I am an alcoholic. But that knowledge can help me. My time in recovery is not dead time. I have learned a lot. Back on the horse. Goodnight all. Going to fall asleep reading around here! Thanks for listening to a worried little girl xxx

Dee74

I'm glad you're back and sober SSG. You sound more positive now than your first post - great to see

D

sadsadgirl

I’ve been awake for a couple of hours feeling sick with anxiety. Urgh why have I done this to myself? Funny though-I woke up a couple of times in the night and apart from night sweats I was sleeping well and felt ok. As soon as the sun comes up though-it’s a different story!

The more I think about it the more I’m realising how I have set myself up for this for a few weeks if not months. My depression has been rearing it’s head again and rather than reverting back to techniques learnt in CBT to help me I didn’t. Always got to do the homework!!

I’m not sure when this sick feeling will go. Got no compulsion to drink. But have no motivation to do anything

PhoenixJ

SSG- I know only too well the bit about starting a new job and stuffing up like that. I did this 4 or 5 times at one stage.
For me- the missing link was accepting I could not do it alone. I believed if I went to meetings- that would be a sign of weakness and to be a better person I had to prove to myself and the world I was strong enough to stop by myself.

When an athlete has a strained muscle- they do not keep doing their exercise without getting help from a doc, physio or whatever. To recognise a weakness (for me such as drinking) was a strength. I think support is essential. Regular GP check ups, monitoring my depression, working on my behaviours with a psychologist and meetings. At night- SR. Lots of SR. A daily journal helps me order my thoughts and feelings and plan.
Support to you.

sadsadgirl

Just checking in to say end of Day 2 is on me. Today's involved a lot of serious thinking about where my plan failed and needs strengthening.

I love your analogy PhoenixJ-feel like it hit home a bit: gotta treat my brain health like I would do if I'd got a muscle strain-I'd get help, ease up a bit and monitor my progression. I've noticed that in recent weeks I've become less tolerant and more angry-big red flags that my spirit isn't well.

So what do I do about it going forward? Homework: I journal, write my thoughts down here or in private. share with people who know how it is, you guys here or AA friends. Pass it forward and take it serious when my compassion or patience starts to waver. Be kind to myself when I have to ease off the gas and take life a little easer.

Today I wrote a little list of things to do and enjoyed ticking things off. I stayed very close to here, reading all the time. Its like a big snuggly blanket reading the support on here for other people's threads. We're not alone, we've got this if we stick together.

Bedtime reading for me now. Another night of falling asleep to reading the forum!

sadsadgirl

Woke up feeling ok, little anxious. Got dragged out to do a 5k run in the rain this morning. It felt good, felt like I was pounding out a lot of anger and humiliation. Back at home now worrying over my job. Gonna try and get ahead of the game and do a bit of work and preparation for the conference I’m off to on Monday. I feel like I’ve gotten away with calling in on Wednesday, but who knows. I’be just got to sit tight and work on myself until I find out next week face to face with them all. The thoughts are just so invasive!

PhoenixJ

Good actions SSG... keep posting

Rar

Hi Sadsadgirl. You're doing well now being on Day 3. We all understand the anxiety and sadness after relapses. I still have periods of sadness when I think about my brief relapse and that was 23 days ago. The memory has been strong enough to keep me from drinking.

I wasn't drinking alcoholically while I was working, but I did attend work events and sometimes drank WAAAY too much. Of course, the people I was drinking with were my colleagues. They all knew how much I drank and there was no way I would have called in since they would have known the real reason. I admit I felt like closing my office door and just laying on the floor until the day was over. One morning after such an event, I said to my husband, "Just shoot me", to which he replied, "There wouldn't be any lesson in that.".

So yes, you have a lesson too. Keep working on your plan and stay close to SR. Lean on us. We've all been there and understand.