hpdw

Hi folks ,

After nearly 4 months away from SR I thought it best to come back as I fear I'm on a slippery road .

In that 4 months I have had family trouble , I have had 3 drinking binges of 3 days ,4 days and the last one was 5 days which finished on Tues at 7pm UK time.

At this time I am still not feeling so good , depression ,fear, worry, nausea and all the rest of the withdrawal symptoms although I see slight improvements in the last 2 hours .

I cleared out my room and other hiding places of empties just now which made me feel sick , both physically and mentally.

I had a bath and a shave which I found a task in itself but now I feel clean .

I had a piece of toast with butter which is the first I've ate in 3 days and trying to get as much water down as possible .


Why did I stop coming hear on 4th Feb and start drinking ?


I don't know and not making excuses but the stress at home has been off the scale of which I wont go into in any detail .


So thanks for listening and happy to be back .

entropy1964

Welcome Back!

I know how you are feeling, ugh, its awful. But you can do this. It will get better.

I've had a huge amount of stress too. I relate. If I were to talk it all out tho, it really is just life doing what life does. People issues, money issues, just life. Its all in how I respond to it. Sometimes I handle things well and am able to move on quickly. This time not so much and its compounding.

BUT I know, without a doubt, that alcohol is no solution. That is such a huge lie and a justification on my part. I simply have to go through what is happening. It will pass...just maybe not in the time frame I would like it too. I find myself dwelling, awfulizing and certainly making things worse.

Acceptance and surrender. Focus on my response to the stress as opposed to the stress itself. Sigh. And exercise...which I'll be doing shortly!!

Stronger2017

Hi hpdw! I’m really happy to see you came back🙂

Mklove

I am also glad you are back! Life is not for the faint of heart, there is so much loss and stress to deal. I also fell back for a week or two after major losses. It didn't help, I felt like crap and knew it was a bad habit to get back into, 30 years of excess, two years sober felt much better!!!!

Stronger2017

How’s it going today? I can only imagine how tough the family stuff must be. I remember you were working a program in AA before. Have you considered going back? I also remember you were in pretty regular contact with the doctor for the anxiety and alcoholism. Have you continued with that? And then there’s SR. You had a lot of success with reading and posting here before. Maybe get back into that habit again. Whatever you do, though, don’t isolate yourself mate.

AwkwardKitty

Welcome back, I'm a recent returnee too.

Someone said to me once on here, when you have problems or stresses, 'drinking at them' won't do anything about them (except potentially make them worse). That stuck with me.

Dee74

I'm glad you made it back hpdw
Sounds like the stakes are getting higher and higher for you tho.

Have you any other strategies for dealing with stress, crises bad feelings and panic - cos I think you need them.

Any idea on what you might do differently this time to stay committed, day in day out?

D

Hevyn

We are so glad to see you, hpdw. You never have to return to that miserable place - you can get free and heal from this awful time.

Mattq2

Welcome back, I find coming to SR even to read helps bring me back from the edge when things get tough. Even just a few minutes of reading or a simple post helps. I’m glad you came back.

least

Glad you're back. I hope this time you can achieve lasting sobriety.

Gottalife

Hi hpdw,
you sound a lot like me. Before my last bender I was attending a couple of AA meetings a week. I didn't adopt the program, just went to a few meetings which, without the program, was very similar to coming here. I met some people who were like me, we talked about all sorts of things, offered encouragement, moaned a lot too.

Then the obsession returned, which it tends to do in real alcoholics who have not actually taken any action to recover. My last bender was supposed to be a couple of hours one evening, but turned into a four day bash. After that I became convinced that, alone, I lacked the power to stay sober, and even the folks in AA couldn't provide it.

The only way to get the power, to get a 100% defense agains the fatal first drink was to work those steps and get connected to some real Power.

I physical terms I was done. Malnutrition and hallucinations were part of my later drinking. Lost everything else too, even faith in the idea that someone like me could recover. I thought I was a goner.

I followed through as best I could, attending meetings, getting a sponsor and working the steps. I had so little belief that it would work, that I didn't even note the day I stopped. It came as a great surprise one day when my sponsor rang and told me I had been sober three months. By then I was into step nine and the world seemed to have changed, very much for the better. And it has stayed that way, and I have not needed to drink since.

Stronger2017

Thinking of you, hpdw🙂

Dee74

where'd you go hpdw?

hpdw

Morning and thank you all for your kind words of support and advice .
Today I see clearer , the depression has lifted greatly .

I thought I was a gonner that bender (5 days ) hallucinations, starvation, crazy thoughts, whole body pain , bathroom problems ……..on and on .


Yes Dee the stakes are higher in terms of mortality .


It all started with a bus ride into Edinburgh on a sunny day ! just 2 pints I told myself , just 2 I promised myself . Next day I was buying 35cl bottles of vodka and strong lagers and hiding them which went on for the following 4 days .
Disgusting lies to my dear wife . drink driving too ,anything to get to that bloody shop .


Those 5 days were my worst drink ever and also since Tuesday has been my hardest withdrawals especially the mental side of it , the depression and feeling of doom and gloom was overwhelming at times .


Off to the car boot sale now .


Thank you all once again .


PS I am still waiting on the drugs and alcohol people getting back to me ,there is a 5 month waiting list but been 2 months in the queue so fingers crossed .

hpdw

Im going to reset my day one to June 1st 2018 although it was 3 days prior.

My main plan is getting on top of my mental health via our NHS but mostly via major life style changes .

I have been taking on too many worries about situations I have no control over with other people . I need to let them go ,let them do as they will while at the same time abiding by the rules and boundaries I have laid down .

My garden is beautiful BTW .

Rar

Welcome back hpdw. Though you're resetting to 6/1, you still have achieved 6 days of sobriety. An excellent start. You can do this! Rooting for you!

Hawking22

Thank you for sharing and for your bold honesty. I too have returned after a 4 and a half month stint away from SR, and am so grateful to be back for all of the people who post. Sometimes, I feel I don't have the right to post on here or even go to a meeting until I have a week or so under my belt, because I can't seem to be successful in recovery at all. I'm going to try as hard as I can...I want off this ride so badly and (as my family says) it's about time for me to grow up...we can do this ♡

Stronger2017

Hi Hpdw. Thanks for posting again. It sounds like you’re starting to get your resolve back bit by bit🙂 We can do this mate!

chowchow

Just wanted to say I am thinking of you and hope you move forward in a positive way.