Husband and I are both Alcoholics trying to Quit
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 7
Husband and I are both Alcoholics trying to Quit
I'm a "weird alcoholic" I think. I am currently a stay-at-home wife, mainly due to my bipolar disorder. Before that, I worked a normal job with my master's degree. I have been a "functional alcoholic" for over 5 years now. I never want to go anywhere if I can't drink. If we're out somewhere, all my husband and I want to do is get home to drink. However, we set rules for ourselves that we mostly abide by even when we're drunk.
Don't drink until after 6pm on weekdays, after 3pm on weekends.
Go to bed by 11pm (sometimes we'd push it until midnight) on weekdays.
With these two rules in place, I have a five hour window to get drunk. In those five hours, it's not unusual for me to have 10 shots of rum or vodka (No more than 1 every 30 minutes, another "rule" I place on myself). Most nights I don't remember going to bed. I've scared myself on occasion b/c I pissed myself and/or puked on myself and couldn't wake up.
My husband decided he wanted to take online courses to better himself in a field he wants to pursue (he hates his current job, and they're pushing him into management, something he never intended to be when he went to college). The courses are a reasonable price, easily affordable if we QUIT ALCOHOL. Out of the blue he decided that's what we were going to do.
We finished all the liquor in the house in a couple of days, and I've been a week sober. We've tried to go sober before, just due to a general feeling that we should for our health. However, all it takes is one of us going "man I'd like rum right now" for the other to jump on the bandwagon and us each to get a liter at the store. This time he actually has a purpose, and if he's not drinking, I'm not drinking (it's always been like that, if one of us abstains, the other does too).
This first week was rough only because I was in the middle of a pretty severe depressive episode when we stopped, and alcohol is always my go-to for numbing that pain. I also fear that I will replace alcohol with food, as I have a history of food addiction. However, other than these concerns, and having difficulty sleeping, I haven't had a whole lot of issues. I just fear that the minute things get "rough" again, we'll jump right back into drinking. It's hard when there's two alcoholics in the equation!
Don't drink until after 6pm on weekdays, after 3pm on weekends.
Go to bed by 11pm (sometimes we'd push it until midnight) on weekdays.
With these two rules in place, I have a five hour window to get drunk. In those five hours, it's not unusual for me to have 10 shots of rum or vodka (No more than 1 every 30 minutes, another "rule" I place on myself). Most nights I don't remember going to bed. I've scared myself on occasion b/c I pissed myself and/or puked on myself and couldn't wake up.
My husband decided he wanted to take online courses to better himself in a field he wants to pursue (he hates his current job, and they're pushing him into management, something he never intended to be when he went to college). The courses are a reasonable price, easily affordable if we QUIT ALCOHOL. Out of the blue he decided that's what we were going to do.
We finished all the liquor in the house in a couple of days, and I've been a week sober. We've tried to go sober before, just due to a general feeling that we should for our health. However, all it takes is one of us going "man I'd like rum right now" for the other to jump on the bandwagon and us each to get a liter at the store. This time he actually has a purpose, and if he's not drinking, I'm not drinking (it's always been like that, if one of us abstains, the other does too).
This first week was rough only because I was in the middle of a pretty severe depressive episode when we stopped, and alcohol is always my go-to for numbing that pain. I also fear that I will replace alcohol with food, as I have a history of food addiction. However, other than these concerns, and having difficulty sleeping, I haven't had a whole lot of issues. I just fear that the minute things get "rough" again, we'll jump right back into drinking. It's hard when there's two alcoholics in the equation!
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: California, USA
Posts: 625
Staying sober is hard for an alcoholic, with a partner drinker or alone. That said, YOU are doing it! You mentioned several good reasons to stay away from alcohol and those can become core tenets of your plan. In addition to improved health and safety, you've included education, job and financial goals. Nice!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 387
Hi NOKW, welcome and congratulations on a week sober! It looks like you're worried about how to stay sober. As Dee always says, get a plan. There is a sticky post with links that will help you. I think that you'll find if you create a structure and a new life, then falling back into the old life becomes harder.
Anyway, good luck and come back to SR often.
KP
Anyway, good luck and come back to SR often.
KP
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
You don't sound like any kind of weird alcoholic to me! Despite our different stories, I've yet to find someone I can out-weird, even though I was widely considered a hopeless case.
I wish you the best for YOUR recovery first, and for your relationship as it fares.
I wish you the best for YOUR recovery first, and for your relationship as it fares.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,494
Yeah, you don't sound weird to me either. I had all kinds of rules to manage my drinking.
I hope that you maintain your recovery, regardless of your husband's decisions. Congratulations on 1 week of sobriety!
I hope that you maintain your recovery, regardless of your husband's decisions. Congratulations on 1 week of sobriety!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,426
Welcome Nooneknowswho 
For many years I thought I needed something - anything to take the edge off, to manage my mental health, to de stress me, or whatever, Turns out that wasn't true.
If you want to be addition free you can be
You have to be motivated tho - is this mainly your husband driving the change right now or are you wanting not to drink as well?
D
For many years I thought I needed something - anything to take the edge off, to manage my mental health, to de stress me, or whatever, Turns out that wasn't true.
If you want to be addition free you can be
You have to be motivated tho - is this mainly your husband driving the change right now or are you wanting not to drink as well?
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 7
If I'm being honest, it was my husband's sudden decision, and I just kind of followed along. I'm still struggling with the "being drunk is fun!" stage (and so is he). We're both gamers, and most nights we'd be gaming and talking through Discord with our friends, and we're all toasted, except our one friend who doesn't drink.
In my mind, everything is more fun when drunk. My husband and I watched a whole bunch of "meme" videos online last night, and we both agreed they're not nearly as funny.
What I do know about myself, without a doubt, is that if he abstains, I abstain, but I also know that's not a healthy outlook; each of us relying on the other to stay sober. I also know that if he wants to get alcohol and I say "no," he's not likely to get it. Both of us have too much pride to drink while the other is against it, I guess because it would make us LOOK like the "bad" type of alcoholic to the other person... it'd be shameful (That's the best way I can articulate it).
I guess all this means is that I really have to realize what I was losing when I was drunk every night (don't remember doing stuff, being unproductive during the first half of the next day, gaining weight, worrying about health, worrying about money), so that I make the definitive decision not to start drinking again. It's just hard when I wasn't the one to make the decision in the first place, but I want to honor it because it's the right thing to do.
In the end, I know there will come a time when he wants to start drinking again, so I need to set my resolve now to decide that I won't go back down that rabbit hole, no matter how enticing it seems.
In my mind, everything is more fun when drunk. My husband and I watched a whole bunch of "meme" videos online last night, and we both agreed they're not nearly as funny.
What I do know about myself, without a doubt, is that if he abstains, I abstain, but I also know that's not a healthy outlook; each of us relying on the other to stay sober. I also know that if he wants to get alcohol and I say "no," he's not likely to get it. Both of us have too much pride to drink while the other is against it, I guess because it would make us LOOK like the "bad" type of alcoholic to the other person... it'd be shameful (That's the best way I can articulate it).
I guess all this means is that I really have to realize what I was losing when I was drunk every night (don't remember doing stuff, being unproductive during the first half of the next day, gaining weight, worrying about health, worrying about money), so that I make the definitive decision not to start drinking again. It's just hard when I wasn't the one to make the decision in the first place, but I want to honor it because it's the right thing to do.
In the end, I know there will come a time when he wants to start drinking again, so I need to set my resolve now to decide that I won't go back down that rabbit hole, no matter how enticing it seems.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: East Coast
Posts: 853
Welcome nooneknowswho! I agree; you don't sound weird at all. I also agree that it will be harder to stay sober if you aren't doing it for yourself. But it's not insurmountable! It sounds like you have a good sense of the challenges that face you.
Some might accuse me of overthinking here, but maybe it would help to project into the future a little bit. Imagine your husband does relapse and have a drink. Are you going to have a drink? Or are you going to stay strong in your sobriety? Maybe come up with an action plan for how to resist the temptation NOW if he is wavering or falls off the wagon
Some might accuse me of overthinking here, but maybe it would help to project into the future a little bit. Imagine your husband does relapse and have a drink. Are you going to have a drink? Or are you going to stay strong in your sobriety? Maybe come up with an action plan for how to resist the temptation NOW if he is wavering or falls off the wagon
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 34
I'm a bit envious that you are both on the same page. I'm serious about getting sober, but my alcoholic husband has no desire. Like you, we have fun drinking together which is why it is so hard for me to quit.
Try hard to want this for yourself and not just because he is doing it, in that way you can support him even better and not suddenly both decide to pitch it and buy the liter.
Try hard to want this for yourself and not just because he is doing it, in that way you can support him even better and not suddenly both decide to pitch it and buy the liter.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 513
Are the things you were losing from drinking enough for you to quit alcohol FOREVER?
It sounds like you're not entirely sold on quitting? You've mentioned things being more fun when drunk, that your husband will eventually go back to drinking, that this wasn't your decision in the first place.
You definitely do not sound like a weird alcoholic, but you don't sound like one who would commit to sobriety right now. I'm guessing it's likely that soon enough he'll be on the couch drinking and laughing with his friends on discord. Will you sit sober and enjoy the same experience without booze, or will you cave because his drinking experience looks and sounds more fun?
These things are hard enough to do alone, but must be even harder with someone else who you already think will eventually give up and go back to drinking.
It sounds like you're not entirely sold on quitting? You've mentioned things being more fun when drunk, that your husband will eventually go back to drinking, that this wasn't your decision in the first place.
You definitely do not sound like a weird alcoholic, but you don't sound like one who would commit to sobriety right now. I'm guessing it's likely that soon enough he'll be on the couch drinking and laughing with his friends on discord. Will you sit sober and enjoy the same experience without booze, or will you cave because his drinking experience looks and sounds more fun?
These things are hard enough to do alone, but must be even harder with someone else who you already think will eventually give up and go back to drinking.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 7
NerfThis - I think you're right in that I'm not sold on quitting. I'm not sure exactly what I hope to get out of joining this forum, since I know that no one can convince a person to stop quitting if they don't want to. In fact, I was quite disappointed when he announced that he was finally going to quit.
The thing is, I know that if I stay sober he'll stay sober, and if we both want to be sober, it will take one of us standing strong. As much as I didn't feel like giving up alcohol, I think he's the more likely of the two of us to want liquor again due to job stress. In that way, I almost feel like it's somehow my burden to say "no" to alcohol if I want to help him stay sober. (You know the whole idea that if you can't change a person, you can only change yourself. If I really want us to quit, It's my responsibility to change, not expect him to change).
It's funny, I'm a health nut in every way but the drinking. I've gone on 2 week long water fasts (which actually take 3 full weeks to complete) on multiple occasions and he doesn't drink during those. I guess he just doesn't feel like it if I'm not drinking, and vice-versa.
I can sum it up like this - I don't really feel like quitting, but I feel like I need to so that we can both stay sober. If we're not both sober, neither of us will be. He wants to stay sober for job goals, so I feel like it's my responsibility to abstain so that he'll abstain.
The thing is, I know that if I stay sober he'll stay sober, and if we both want to be sober, it will take one of us standing strong. As much as I didn't feel like giving up alcohol, I think he's the more likely of the two of us to want liquor again due to job stress. In that way, I almost feel like it's somehow my burden to say "no" to alcohol if I want to help him stay sober. (You know the whole idea that if you can't change a person, you can only change yourself. If I really want us to quit, It's my responsibility to change, not expect him to change).
It's funny, I'm a health nut in every way but the drinking. I've gone on 2 week long water fasts (which actually take 3 full weeks to complete) on multiple occasions and he doesn't drink during those. I guess he just doesn't feel like it if I'm not drinking, and vice-versa.
I can sum it up like this - I don't really feel like quitting, but I feel like I need to so that we can both stay sober. If we're not both sober, neither of us will be. He wants to stay sober for job goals, so I feel like it's my responsibility to abstain so that he'll abstain.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
Originally Posted by ProfessorD 
Some might accuse me of overthinking here, but maybe it would help to project into the future a little bit. Imagine your husband does relapse and have a drink. Are you going to have a drink? Or are you going to stay strong in your sobriety? Maybe come up with an action plan for how to resist the temptation NOW if he is wavering or falls off the wagon
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 7
My prediction was right. Just after a week of abstaining, my husband had a rough day at work and said he wanted to get rum. Instead of saying "yeah, that'd be nice," like I usually would, I didn't really say anything, and we ended up going to the grocery store and getting ice cream and snacks instead. I know I've got to watch the whole replace-alcohol-with-junk-food issue, but for now, ice cream over rum is a start.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,426
I wasn't sold on quitting either - and I'd nearly died.
The more people I met here healthy and sober helped change my mind, as did the fact I wasn't poisoning my mind daily.
I kinda came back to my senses during the first 3 months
D
The more people I met here healthy and sober helped change my mind, as did the fact I wasn't poisoning my mind daily.
I kinda came back to my senses during the first 3 months
D
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Lakeside, Arizona
Posts: 1,138
Gaming is way more fun sober, especially when you start seeing how much better you are and how much more you actually understand what the game's mechanics expect of you. Drinking tends to muck up coordination.
I don't think I could have sobered up without gaming, I game a lot. It's been the one sure thing I can use to melt the time I'd otherwise be craving away.
I don't think I could have sobered up without gaming, I game a lot. It's been the one sure thing I can use to melt the time I'd otherwise be craving away.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: Texas
Posts: 83
Id say you are doing well..ice cream over rum is a start! Its tough when both of you guys have a srinking issue...i know how that feels first hand..but believe it or not, there are other activities you guys may enjoy together not drinking. It takes some adjusting of course..but you would both be making that adjustment together!
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
You made a good point earlier about what will happen when the bad thing happens. It was illustrated in your later post. Hubby has a bad day and the first thing that comes to mind is have a drink. quite normal of an alcoholic who still has an alcoholic mind.
The idea of distraction was proposed above. Lets say, have a bad day, ok so we'll go and play tennis. It might work in that situation.
But there are different types of bad days, known colectively as life. Consider this scenario:- Favourite uncle is killed in a car crash - ok, so we'll go and play tennis. Doesn't sound quite right does it?
I've been sober a while, life has thrown some curve balls my way. For a time I wasn't having bad days, just bad years. The worst was the two years my wife suffered from her illness before she died. Distraction just aint gonna cut it. In fact disappearing to get my own space at that time would have been the most selfish thing I could have done.
Instead, each day I asked God what he wanted me to do. That involved fairly sane and normal reactions like looking after my wife and family, doing whatever needed doing, being there and present the whole time. It never occured to me to drink. That was due to me putting into practive over the years, what I had learned in AA is neccesary to stay permanently sober.
There is a world of difference between a bad day and a tragedy, yet both will come along sometime. We do not survive these low spots without an effective recovery program under our belts.
The idea of distraction was proposed above. Lets say, have a bad day, ok so we'll go and play tennis. It might work in that situation.
But there are different types of bad days, known colectively as life. Consider this scenario:- Favourite uncle is killed in a car crash - ok, so we'll go and play tennis. Doesn't sound quite right does it?
I've been sober a while, life has thrown some curve balls my way. For a time I wasn't having bad days, just bad years. The worst was the two years my wife suffered from her illness before she died. Distraction just aint gonna cut it. In fact disappearing to get my own space at that time would have been the most selfish thing I could have done.
Instead, each day I asked God what he wanted me to do. That involved fairly sane and normal reactions like looking after my wife and family, doing whatever needed doing, being there and present the whole time. It never occured to me to drink. That was due to me putting into practive over the years, what I had learned in AA is neccesary to stay permanently sober.
There is a world of difference between a bad day and a tragedy, yet both will come along sometime. We do not survive these low spots without an effective recovery program under our belts.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 7
Sorry all my posts are long, I never know what information to cull in order to shorten the length!
NerfThis - Things went alright yesterday, although my husband brought pizza home. I'm still really hoping food doesn't become the new vice. I'm not sure if or when I should say something about the food becoming an issue (I mentioned before that I've struggled with food addiction in the past. It took a lot of work and healthy eating to get down to a weight 20 lbs over a healthy BMI. I think I couldn't do any better b/c of the alcohol). On one hand, pizza is still better than drinking 10 shots/night. On the other hand, pizza, icecream, and other junk food is still unhealthy, even if it is the lesser of two evils. I guess I'll give it time.
tekink - Gaming by ourselves seems to be more fun when sober, but I'm finding that gaming with drunk people (even over Discord) is less fun when sober. A lot of those people gaming with us are my husband's coworkers, so it's not like he can really get away from them. Some of them are also playing DnD with us albeit it's through an online platform. They're already talking about getting drunk and playing PubG this weekend. Luckily we have every other Saturday devoted to playing an RPG board game with our one friend who doesn't drink, so no one brings alcohol to his house out of respect (even though he said we could). We're going to his house this Saturday.
Gottalife - Unfortunately I'm not religious. I grew up very religious, but stopped believing long before I was alcoholic (in other words, they're not related, just came to a different conclusion than my parents). I understand what you mean though, about learning how to cope without the alcohol when devastation occurs. My father is very sick, about to start kidney dialysis (also not alcohol related, my parents NEVER drank when we were growing up. Now they drink only on special occasions with me). Anyway, I know it will be very hard on myself, my mother, and the rest of the family when he passes away. I guess that's something I have to steel myself against, and start planning for it.
NerfThis - Things went alright yesterday, although my husband brought pizza home. I'm still really hoping food doesn't become the new vice. I'm not sure if or when I should say something about the food becoming an issue (I mentioned before that I've struggled with food addiction in the past. It took a lot of work and healthy eating to get down to a weight 20 lbs over a healthy BMI. I think I couldn't do any better b/c of the alcohol). On one hand, pizza is still better than drinking 10 shots/night. On the other hand, pizza, icecream, and other junk food is still unhealthy, even if it is the lesser of two evils. I guess I'll give it time.
tekink - Gaming by ourselves seems to be more fun when sober, but I'm finding that gaming with drunk people (even over Discord) is less fun when sober. A lot of those people gaming with us are my husband's coworkers, so it's not like he can really get away from them. Some of them are also playing DnD with us albeit it's through an online platform. They're already talking about getting drunk and playing PubG this weekend. Luckily we have every other Saturday devoted to playing an RPG board game with our one friend who doesn't drink, so no one brings alcohol to his house out of respect (even though he said we could). We're going to his house this Saturday.
Gottalife - Unfortunately I'm not religious. I grew up very religious, but stopped believing long before I was alcoholic (in other words, they're not related, just came to a different conclusion than my parents). I understand what you mean though, about learning how to cope without the alcohol when devastation occurs. My father is very sick, about to start kidney dialysis (also not alcohol related, my parents NEVER drank when we were growing up. Now they drink only on special occasions with me). Anyway, I know it will be very hard on myself, my mother, and the rest of the family when he passes away. I guess that's something I have to steel myself against, and start planning for it.
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