Cheating: Would you leave or would you stay
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
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Originally Posted by Atlantis 
I don't think i will ever forgive him to be honest. I may be able to avoid talking to him or fighting with him about it, but deep down, I'm very disappointed that the man i thought was honest and faithful, did all these things to me.
He has shown you who he is and what he's capable of. Unless he commits to changing and can convince you that this is an honest attempt and you really WANT to give him another chance then there is no reason why you should do so. When people show us who they really are, sometimes it's wise to believe them.
BB
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Join Date: May 2018
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He came back because a week before i saw my lawyer, i sent him an email between the lawyer and me scheduling an appointment to file for the divorce based on abuse, abandonment and infidelity. Then after the email, i cut off all communication with him, did not reply his text, and emails and phone calls...for 7 days and that's why he finally panicked.
The night before my appointment with the lawyer, he asked to talk. Then he came back in the basement and went back to meetings etc...
I still filled out the paperwork for the divorce, but then told the lawyer to hold off.
Right now, he seems like he changed but i don't know if he means it for good or not. He still is in a lot of pain, is depressed and has bouts of anxiety; but he no longer takes any painkillers, and meditates more.
Sometimes it hurts to see him lay in bed in fetal position because the pain still gets to him, and gets sweaty and shaky. He knows he has to endure the pain without the painkiller.
He is also more involved in our kids lives, and helps around the house.
I can see he is trying, but sometimes i wonder, why did he come back.
If he did love me, why did he cheat on me, lie to me and abandoned me and our little children? Why did he attack me when i just wanted the best for him. I got the help from authorities, not just for me and the kids; but also for him, because as the father of my children, i have investment in him. He had to go around and hurt me really bad, made me look like i was a *%**# trying to just put him in jail and psych ward. He kept telling my family that i was the one who made me go away. He knew he was lying, because as he was saying those words, he was using drugs and sleeping with another woman. He was so selfish to even man up and own why he left. He falsely blamed me and put the guilt on me. It made me feel worse than i did already. He said those words, while he knew i was home, alone, by myself, with our 3 little kids. This is what hurts me the most, not only as his wife, but as the mother of his children.
I know i can't play victim, and have self-pity but right now, i do feel very lost and hurt.
The night before my appointment with the lawyer, he asked to talk. Then he came back in the basement and went back to meetings etc...
I still filled out the paperwork for the divorce, but then told the lawyer to hold off.
Right now, he seems like he changed but i don't know if he means it for good or not. He still is in a lot of pain, is depressed and has bouts of anxiety; but he no longer takes any painkillers, and meditates more.
Sometimes it hurts to see him lay in bed in fetal position because the pain still gets to him, and gets sweaty and shaky. He knows he has to endure the pain without the painkiller.
He is also more involved in our kids lives, and helps around the house.
I can see he is trying, but sometimes i wonder, why did he come back.
If he did love me, why did he cheat on me, lie to me and abandoned me and our little children? Why did he attack me when i just wanted the best for him. I got the help from authorities, not just for me and the kids; but also for him, because as the father of my children, i have investment in him. He had to go around and hurt me really bad, made me look like i was a *%**# trying to just put him in jail and psych ward. He kept telling my family that i was the one who made me go away. He knew he was lying, because as he was saying those words, he was using drugs and sleeping with another woman. He was so selfish to even man up and own why he left. He falsely blamed me and put the guilt on me. It made me feel worse than i did already. He said those words, while he knew i was home, alone, by myself, with our 3 little kids. This is what hurts me the most, not only as his wife, but as the mother of his children.
I know i can't play victim, and have self-pity but right now, i do feel very lost and hurt.
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I'll be honest, I've known a couple of couples for whom cheating is just not a deal-breaker. Both of them have been at times, indiscreet. One couple married about 40 years (man was always on the prowl, don't know about her), the other i think married about 50 years (man had numerous women on the side, woman actually had a long-term, romantic liaison with someone) . You could do some therapy around this and hopefully get some clarity about what it means to YOU.
I was married to an alcoholic for 25 years. He died. I loved him, but in retrospect, I wish I had divorced him when I realized he would never change. Starting over with a new apartment, a new set of friends, managing my limited budget on my own, career decisions would have been a heck-of-a-lot easier at 35 than 20 years later. And by my fifties, I had decided to leave him...got home *that night* and he told me he was terminally ill. We're not supposed to tell you what to do, but from where I sit, your husband's infidelity is only one problem. His addiction is another. let me tell you when AH died and I was free, there weren't a lot of available men in my age range. The ones that didn't already have relationships, well there were good reasons for that. The widowers knew it was a buyer's market for them. They could pick and choose...many wouldn't date anyone past her mid-forties, even if they were in their sixties or older.
I'll tell you about my Dad, who was a functional alcoholic until after he retired. The drinking got the better of him one night, and he drove drunk. There was an accident, and he killed someone. Dad went to prison at 76 years old. Prison. Luckily, the judge took pity on him and it was a relatively short sentence for vehicular manslaughter. Mom drove four hours every week to visit him. The victim's family filed a civil suit, and my parents lost half their life savings in it.
I'll write it again: Half their entire life savings. Gone. In their seventies when they needed it. No lawyer would take their case to defend them.
If you intend to stay married to an addict, You would be wise to make sure your auto insurance is top shelf. Just saying. And this is coming from a woman who compared her fiance's drinking to Dad's behavior and thought "Eh, he does like his beer, but so does Dad."
I was married to an alcoholic for 25 years. He died. I loved him, but in retrospect, I wish I had divorced him when I realized he would never change. Starting over with a new apartment, a new set of friends, managing my limited budget on my own, career decisions would have been a heck-of-a-lot easier at 35 than 20 years later. And by my fifties, I had decided to leave him...got home *that night* and he told me he was terminally ill. We're not supposed to tell you what to do, but from where I sit, your husband's infidelity is only one problem. His addiction is another. let me tell you when AH died and I was free, there weren't a lot of available men in my age range. The ones that didn't already have relationships, well there were good reasons for that. The widowers knew it was a buyer's market for them. They could pick and choose...many wouldn't date anyone past her mid-forties, even if they were in their sixties or older.
I'll tell you about my Dad, who was a functional alcoholic until after he retired. The drinking got the better of him one night, and he drove drunk. There was an accident, and he killed someone. Dad went to prison at 76 years old. Prison. Luckily, the judge took pity on him and it was a relatively short sentence for vehicular manslaughter. Mom drove four hours every week to visit him. The victim's family filed a civil suit, and my parents lost half their life savings in it.
I'll write it again: Half their entire life savings. Gone. In their seventies when they needed it. No lawyer would take their case to defend them.
If you intend to stay married to an addict, You would be wise to make sure your auto insurance is top shelf. Just saying. And this is coming from a woman who compared her fiance's drinking to Dad's behavior and thought "Eh, he does like his beer, but so does Dad."
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Location: maine
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Depression WILL make your pain symptoms more severe. I don't know how depression meds are handled when one is supposed to be recovering from addiction. Something to ask his doctor. Some of them are addictive, I suspect.
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Join Date: May 2018
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Thank you for sharing your story. Wishing you the best!
Originally Posted by velma929
I'll be honest, I've known a couple of couples for whom cheating is just not a deal-breaker. Both of them have been at times, indiscreet. One couple married about 40 years (man was always on the prowl, don't know about her), the other i think married about 50 years (man had numerous women on the side, woman actually had a long-term, romantic liaison with someone) . You could do some therapy around this and hopefully get some clarity about what it means to YOU.
I was married to an alcoholic for 25 years. He died. I loved him, but in retrospect, I wish I had divorced him when I realized he would never change. Starting over with a new apartment, a new set of friends, managing my limited budget on my own, career decisions would have been a heck-of-a-lot easier at 35 than 20 years later. And by my fifties, I had decided to leave him...got home *that night* and he told me he was terminally ill. We're not supposed to tell you what to do, but from where I sit, your husband's infidelity is only one problem. His addiction is another. let me tell you when AH died and I was free, there weren't a lot of available men in my age range. The ones that didn't already have relationships, well there were good reasons for that. The widowers knew it was a buyer's market for them. They could pick and choose...many wouldn't date anyone past her mid-forties, even if they were in their sixties or older.
I'll tell you about my Dad, who was a functional alcoholic until after he retired. The drinking got the better of him one night, and he drove drunk. There was an accident, and he killed someone. Dad went to prison at 76 years old. Prison. Luckily, the judge took pity on him and it was a relatively short sentence for vehicular manslaughter. Mom drove four hours every week to visit him. The victim's family filed a civil suit, and my parents lost half their life savings in it.
I'll write it again: Half their entire life savings. Gone. In their seventies when they needed it. No lawyer would take their case to defend them.
If you intend to stay married to an addict, You would be wise to make sure your auto insurance is top shelf. Just saying. And this is coming from a woman who compared her fiance's drinking to Dad's behavior and thought "Eh, he does like his beer, but so does Dad."
I was married to an alcoholic for 25 years. He died. I loved him, but in retrospect, I wish I had divorced him when I realized he would never change. Starting over with a new apartment, a new set of friends, managing my limited budget on my own, career decisions would have been a heck-of-a-lot easier at 35 than 20 years later. And by my fifties, I had decided to leave him...got home *that night* and he told me he was terminally ill. We're not supposed to tell you what to do, but from where I sit, your husband's infidelity is only one problem. His addiction is another. let me tell you when AH died and I was free, there weren't a lot of available men in my age range. The ones that didn't already have relationships, well there were good reasons for that. The widowers knew it was a buyer's market for them. They could pick and choose...many wouldn't date anyone past her mid-forties, even if they were in their sixties or older.
I'll tell you about my Dad, who was a functional alcoholic until after he retired. The drinking got the better of him one night, and he drove drunk. There was an accident, and he killed someone. Dad went to prison at 76 years old. Prison. Luckily, the judge took pity on him and it was a relatively short sentence for vehicular manslaughter. Mom drove four hours every week to visit him. The victim's family filed a civil suit, and my parents lost half their life savings in it.
I'll write it again: Half their entire life savings. Gone. In their seventies when they needed it. No lawyer would take their case to defend them.
If you intend to stay married to an addict, You would be wise to make sure your auto insurance is top shelf. Just saying. And this is coming from a woman who compared her fiance's drinking to Dad's behavior and thought "Eh, he does like his beer, but so does Dad."
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 29
also I have been questioned if i m not violating the restraining order since my husband is home.
In VA, a judge can issue a lawful contact restraining order. The name speaks for itself. It means the accused can be around as long as he’s peaceful, doesn’t have erratic behavior ( threats to self harm, or others; threats to destroy property or destroy property), and complies to the court order ( no drinking, or doing drugs or being intoxicated, seeing a therapist, psychiatrist and going to meeting); then he can be around. The judge said it, the lawyer said and the court said it. So please don’t accuse me of not protecting my children. I don’t have the courage to walk away from my marriage, but I respect the court and system that’s protecting me.
In VA, a judge can issue a lawful contact restraining order. The name speaks for itself. It means the accused can be around as long as he’s peaceful, doesn’t have erratic behavior ( threats to self harm, or others; threats to destroy property or destroy property), and complies to the court order ( no drinking, or doing drugs or being intoxicated, seeing a therapist, psychiatrist and going to meeting); then he can be around. The judge said it, the lawyer said and the court said it. So please don’t accuse me of not protecting my children. I don’t have the courage to walk away from my marriage, but I respect the court and system that’s protecting me.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: East Coast
Posts: 853
I would definitely leave if I were in your shoes. I wonder what your financial situation is? Being a single mother can be tough, but there is nothing good or healthy in the relationship, based on your description. On some level you must love him still, but the co-dependency is not good for you, the kids, or his addiction frankly.
That's my two cents. I'm only being so frank because you asked. My heart really goes out to you. What a hard situation. It sounds like you've been very strong. I hope you have friends and family in your corner to help you and the kids, emotionally and financially.
That's my two cents. I'm only being so frank because you asked. My heart really goes out to you. What a hard situation. It sounds like you've been very strong. I hope you have friends and family in your corner to help you and the kids, emotionally and financially.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by Atlantis
It is so painful to write this, but I have to let it out of my chest for other human beings to read. Only I have to share it with people who don't know me, hence that's why I'm writing here. I'm not asking for sympathy or judgement, just please read. It is very long, but I will start with what happened before I found out about the affair, and then finish off wafter I found out about it.
I'm a young mom (35yo) of 3 young kids under 10. My husband and I have been married for 11 years. My husband (40yo) is an addict. He's an Alcoholic, previously had 10 year sobriety, relapsed in 2011 and since then, a few times a year. Each time he relapses, he usually picks himself up right away.
In 2014, when I was pregnant with our youngest child, he got home very drunk from the airport. He wasn't a violent type, but that night, he grabbed a kitchen knife and walked upstairs into our room when I was sleeping. He was pointing the knife towards his own chest and said he did not want to live anymore. I called 911 and they admitted him at the psychiatric ward. He was there for 1 week and then came out determined to be sober. A year later, similar thing happened, and I took him straight to the psychiatric ward and they kept him for a week.
A few weeks later, he stopped taking his anti-depressants. His depression got worse and he started to have severe back pain. He went to see a Pain specialist and was prescribed PERCOCET right away, but was told to get a complete blood count, plus imaging of his back and spine.
3 weeks had passed until the tests came back, and they were normal. The doctor told my husband he was no longer prescribe him Percocet. Upset, my husband thought it was "inhumane" for the doctor to drop him while he was still in a lot of pain; so he went to see another Pain doctor who this time, prescribed him Percocet. Every month, my husband would visit the doctor for a refill...This lasted for months. I slowly noticed my husband slipping into his own abyss. He started to sleep in a little more each day, and would not sleep at night. He complained more and more about his pain, he worked from home, but missed a lot of it because he was having a hard time waking up and focusing. His pain was unbearable, and he would go to the ER about once a month to get relief. This went on for a year. I told him I was concerned about his wellbeing and recommended he sees another doctor and to slowly get off the medicine. He started to get defensive, and saying things like, " you never support me", " all you care is about medicine", " you don't give a **** about me" etc...He continued to take his medicine for 8 more months in the mean time, he got worse. He now slept all day, and was up during the night. He missed a lot of work, was fired, got a new job, was fired, repeat...He missed a lot of times with the kids. I remember on our last vacation, we missed the "check-out" because he couldn't wake up. He was fine, just couldn't get out of bed.
Around May 2017, we went to see a Neuro-surgeon, who ran a new set of tests and upon receiving the results, confirmed that they all came back normal, and he recommended he sees a Neurologist, a therapist who can help him taper off his medicine. My husband initially agreed but then canceled the appointment and told me to not get involved with his medication.
We had a big fight that day, and he threw his pills in the trash, and then told me, he would "kill himself as a result." A couple of hours later, he went in the trash to retrieve the pills and started to be erratic. He started to slam doors, scream at me and the kids, and destroyed our window blinds and dresser. He said, "if you dare the call the cops, I will ******* kill them". He also quit his job because he was so angry at me for attacking his medicine.
I packed the kids to my sister, and went to court to get him ordered to be evaluated at the psych ward. He was at home when 10 police officers broke into the house. I was just a couple of blocks away, shaking, waiting for the cops to call me when they have him. He was asleep when they got in, and he was resisting them. He was fighting the cops, but they were able to handcuff him and took him to the psych ward. There, he told the doctors that I was lying because he hated the psych ward so much.
They kept him for a week. I wanted to visit him but he was angry at me and did not give me permission to see him. At the same time, I was hoping that they would evaluate him with "substance abuse". During the exit interview, I was present and pressed for them to further evaluate him and keep him until he had accepted to enter a treatment, or at least agree to taper off his Percocet...but since the medicine was prescribed by a doctor, there was nothing they could do and he was released.
When he got home that night, he said he "loved me very much" and that he will "taper off taking the medicine by August 2017."At the same time, nothing much changed except he was now more angry at me. His performance at work also took a turn for the worse and he lost the job he quit. He also mentioned he wanted to die, so many times. He knew I was going to call the cops if he continued acting erratic.
A few days later, he started to sleep on his male friend's couch a couple of nights a week. Soon, he said, he couldn't sleep at the house anymore, because he didn't feel safe and that he didn't want to end up in psych ward or in jail, since he was still taking the Percocet.
In the meantime, he complained that he missed me and the kids but that he couldn't stay at the house. He kept telling me he was sleeping on his colleagues' couches and sometimes in his car. He never really officially told me he moved out and intended to separate.
2 weeks later, he created a new bank account and said his income was now just his, and that he would be depositing money to our joint account. He gave me and the kids 2/3 of his income. Now mind you with 3 kids, a mortgage, car payment, food, activities, summer camps, I felt very blindsided and stressed about money.
He said he wasn't staying home anymore and that he needs to find a place to stay. He also confirmed we were now separated which still caught me off guard. I knew my husband was upset, but he wouldn't just take off and move out or worse "separate" without talking to me. He said if I hadn't called the cops on him, or if if had cared more about him, than the Percocet, he wouldn't have left home. He blamed everything on me. I told him I was willing to see a Marriage counselor to save our marriage but he declined. I repeatedly asking him to come home to work things out but he kept declining. Then he had a consultation with a lawyer, that confirmed he didn't have to give me a dime until we signed a separation agreement. He started to act like a jerk.
He then told me he was staying in the apartment of 2 sisters in the program. He swore they were like sisters and that he was not, and did not plan to be in in romantic relationship with any of them etc...He also said both women had been sober for 12 months and that they have a "no alcohol, no drug policy" in which he will be kicked out if he drinks or uses drugs.
He started to make unrealistic demands, such as cancelling the kids summer camps, our vacation, asking he only sees the kids at his apartment. In the meantime, he still told me he loved me but that he just couldn't be at the house with me.
My kids started going to his apartment, and even slept over on some weekends. He said he was lonely. Then out of the blue, in September, he came back home because "he missed us". He also told me he was no longer on Percocet, but was now on "weeds" to help him with the pain and anxiety. When he was back at the house, he spent a lot of money on weeds, and most of his time in the basement smoking them. He was sleeping in, most of the days, and would be up all night. He would still have problems at work. And he would still miss things we needed to do with the kids. When he was out of weeds, he started to act like an ass again, and when I confronted him about it, he moved out of the house for the second time. This time, he said, he couldn't feel safe at the house.
A week later, he was fired for the 4th time within the last 18 months. He was now jobless, very little money came in and he still kept 1/3 of whatever he had. On thanksgiving eve, he asked my kids to be dropped off at the apartment to spend the night and then half of thanksgiving day with him. Around 1pm on Thanksgiving, he told me to come get the kids because their meals weren't prepared on time. He saw the kids on and off as he pleased in the meantime. I was such a fool.
I started to get upset as he was not around the kids that much. He started to call me names, such as "****, nasty ass bitch, ******* *****, etc..."; and that he "would come into our house and destroy everything in it".
I went to court and got a restraining order against him. I have it now for 2 years, but lawful contact is allowed.
He got toasted by the judge, lost custody of our kids, and was not allowed to be in the house, but was required to make payment on the mortgage, and our bills, etc...
His lady friend, whom he called "roommate" came with him at the court for "support". He came to the house that night and his friend picked him up because he had "no gas". Again, as they made their way out of the house, I sat on the couch feeling oblivious. Now I look back and I feel like a fool.
**** started to get back around Christmas. When he came over on Christmas Eve, he had to leave during the day to babysit for his roommates kid because she had to go to the ER. A few hours later, he came back, and we watched a movie through his laptop while wrapping our kids presents. During the movie, her text messages popped out of the screen, saying,
"I thought we were going to FaceTime at 1am?". THAT'S WHEN I FINALLY SUSPECTED ME THAT THEY WERE *******!
I confronted him about it, but he kept swearing they were just friends and roommates. The kids were asleep. Then morning came, the kids opened their presents, and then after that he went back to sleep on the couch until 4pm. I confronted him about it again, and this time, he started yelling. I warned him I had a restraining order against him and that would call the cops if he continued.
A few minutes later, The woman called our house the next day and I told her to %$$$ off. Did she care? Nope. She was waiting for him in the car outside our house.
I did try to make it amiable, but as a human being, I lost it that day. I told him in front of our kids that he was a dead beat dad, that he abandoned us for the his mistress, and that he was the most selfish human being that I have ever known. I told him I will never forget the pain that he inflicted on me and our little kids, that and he was not welcome at the house anymore, and that I will be filing for divorce based on abuse, abandonment and infidelity. Then I threw his bag out of the door. The woman was impatiently waiting for him in the car outside our house. All of this was unfortunately witnessed by our 3 young kids. My oldest covered his ears with his hands and had tears coming down his face; my daughter cried hysterically; and my youngest one, took my hands and told me to go in the other room, away from my husband. Then he left. I apologized to my kids and told them, " daddy had to leave the house because he was screaming and because he did something that made mommy very upset". I still can't believe that that happened.
5 days later, I sent him an email reminder that the lawyer and I are meeting to file for divorce and that he will be served with divorce paper soon. The night before I saw my lawyer, he sent me an email telling me, "IM NOT DOING WELL AT ALL, I MISS YOU AND THE KIDS VERY MUCH" begging me to speak with him which I refused.
I filled out the divorce paperwork Thursday before Martin Luther weekend, our lawyer planned on sending the file Tuesday when the court opens. After meeting with the lawyer, I sat down with him. He cried the whole time and begged to stay in the basement to be close to the kids. At the time, I had suspicion about the affair, but no proof. He kept saying they were just roommates.
Then he came back in the basement, and I found out about the affair by going through his journals which was on the computer that he borrowed from me. He finally admitted everything to me. And I was heartbroken.
He told me, he moved out because he was scared of going back to the psych ward or jail and needed a place he can escape.
Then he put an add on the AA club forum on facebook looking for a room, to which she immediately replied. They have been acquaintances for a while. She told my husband she was in a relationship with a man he knew, and that she had been sober for 12 months. She also claimed, she will kick him out if he drinks or does drugs.
My husband said his intentions were never to sleep with any woman, but to have a safe place to stay while he was figuring his **** out os he doesn't end up in jail.
He moved in believing she was a safe person to be around...and it was matter for days for him to sleep with her. She was in the middle of divorce herself so she recommended her lawyer to my husband, gave him advice on how things work now. A few days after they slept together, she told my husband she was on probation, because her boyfriend from 2016, took her fentanyl and died in her bed. She was required to secure her medicine in a safe away from anyone's reach.
However, She gave my husband the code of her safe so he could take Percocet from her. So all they did was sharing each other's Percocet and sleep all day for days.
I blame my husband for what he has done to me, but I do blame her as well.
The day my husband came back home, he told her he was going to stop by tp grab his belongings. He brought the minivan to get his stuff and told her he was going back to his family. She was kind of blindsided and kept sending him messages and emails but he blocked her. He didn't talk to her, just took off. A week later, he called her when I was around and told her, he was back with me and would like for her to stop contacting him. No, this does not make me feel proud or special at all; I could hear her cry on the other line, but what did she expect though. He hasn't talked to her since then.
Now my husband and I are still together. Yes I know. Most people would have left. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, but only time will tell. My husband had never cheated on any woman he dated until he crossed her path. He's a grown ass man and is responsible for his actions but I feel like if he hadn't crossed her path, he wouldn't have cheated on me. (please don't judge me, I'm sharing this based on the years of knowing him)
Some days, I feel like he cheated on me because he was misled and his judgment was clouded. So as a human being, he succumbed to the temptations and lost his integrity. By the time he realized what happened, damage had been done.
Our kids seem to be very happy that daddy is around and doing better health wise. He's more attentive to our needs and helps around the house. He is active in the program and sees a Therapist and Psychiatrist. He has been sober since he came home in January. He's more sensitive to my feelings and starting to enjoy things we used to do as a couple and family. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing the right thing to stay.
But some other days, I hate myself for being with a cheating, addict man. I feel like he's my enemy, the betrayal, lies, abandonment are too painful to let go. Sometimes I hate to share the bed with him. I still love him but don't see him as my soul mate anymore. I have resentment to what he had done to me and the kids.
What do you guys think. If you were in my shoes, Would you stay or would you leave?
Thank you.
PS. I was tested for STDs, hepatitis, HIV etc... after I found out about the affair, and I'm thankful I'm clear.
I'm a young mom (35yo) of 3 young kids under 10. My husband and I have been married for 11 years. My husband (40yo) is an addict. He's an Alcoholic, previously had 10 year sobriety, relapsed in 2011 and since then, a few times a year. Each time he relapses, he usually picks himself up right away.
In 2014, when I was pregnant with our youngest child, he got home very drunk from the airport. He wasn't a violent type, but that night, he grabbed a kitchen knife and walked upstairs into our room when I was sleeping. He was pointing the knife towards his own chest and said he did not want to live anymore. I called 911 and they admitted him at the psychiatric ward. He was there for 1 week and then came out determined to be sober. A year later, similar thing happened, and I took him straight to the psychiatric ward and they kept him for a week.
A few weeks later, he stopped taking his anti-depressants. His depression got worse and he started to have severe back pain. He went to see a Pain specialist and was prescribed PERCOCET right away, but was told to get a complete blood count, plus imaging of his back and spine.
3 weeks had passed until the tests came back, and they were normal. The doctor told my husband he was no longer prescribe him Percocet. Upset, my husband thought it was "inhumane" for the doctor to drop him while he was still in a lot of pain; so he went to see another Pain doctor who this time, prescribed him Percocet. Every month, my husband would visit the doctor for a refill...This lasted for months. I slowly noticed my husband slipping into his own abyss. He started to sleep in a little more each day, and would not sleep at night. He complained more and more about his pain, he worked from home, but missed a lot of it because he was having a hard time waking up and focusing. His pain was unbearable, and he would go to the ER about once a month to get relief. This went on for a year. I told him I was concerned about his wellbeing and recommended he sees another doctor and to slowly get off the medicine. He started to get defensive, and saying things like, " you never support me", " all you care is about medicine", " you don't give a **** about me" etc...He continued to take his medicine for 8 more months in the mean time, he got worse. He now slept all day, and was up during the night. He missed a lot of work, was fired, got a new job, was fired, repeat...He missed a lot of times with the kids. I remember on our last vacation, we missed the "check-out" because he couldn't wake up. He was fine, just couldn't get out of bed.
Around May 2017, we went to see a Neuro-surgeon, who ran a new set of tests and upon receiving the results, confirmed that they all came back normal, and he recommended he sees a Neurologist, a therapist who can help him taper off his medicine. My husband initially agreed but then canceled the appointment and told me to not get involved with his medication.
We had a big fight that day, and he threw his pills in the trash, and then told me, he would "kill himself as a result." A couple of hours later, he went in the trash to retrieve the pills and started to be erratic. He started to slam doors, scream at me and the kids, and destroyed our window blinds and dresser. He said, "if you dare the call the cops, I will ******* kill them". He also quit his job because he was so angry at me for attacking his medicine.
I packed the kids to my sister, and went to court to get him ordered to be evaluated at the psych ward. He was at home when 10 police officers broke into the house. I was just a couple of blocks away, shaking, waiting for the cops to call me when they have him. He was asleep when they got in, and he was resisting them. He was fighting the cops, but they were able to handcuff him and took him to the psych ward. There, he told the doctors that I was lying because he hated the psych ward so much.
They kept him for a week. I wanted to visit him but he was angry at me and did not give me permission to see him. At the same time, I was hoping that they would evaluate him with "substance abuse". During the exit interview, I was present and pressed for them to further evaluate him and keep him until he had accepted to enter a treatment, or at least agree to taper off his Percocet...but since the medicine was prescribed by a doctor, there was nothing they could do and he was released.
When he got home that night, he said he "loved me very much" and that he will "taper off taking the medicine by August 2017."At the same time, nothing much changed except he was now more angry at me. His performance at work also took a turn for the worse and he lost the job he quit. He also mentioned he wanted to die, so many times. He knew I was going to call the cops if he continued acting erratic.
A few days later, he started to sleep on his male friend's couch a couple of nights a week. Soon, he said, he couldn't sleep at the house anymore, because he didn't feel safe and that he didn't want to end up in psych ward or in jail, since he was still taking the Percocet.
In the meantime, he complained that he missed me and the kids but that he couldn't stay at the house. He kept telling me he was sleeping on his colleagues' couches and sometimes in his car. He never really officially told me he moved out and intended to separate.
2 weeks later, he created a new bank account and said his income was now just his, and that he would be depositing money to our joint account. He gave me and the kids 2/3 of his income. Now mind you with 3 kids, a mortgage, car payment, food, activities, summer camps, I felt very blindsided and stressed about money.
He said he wasn't staying home anymore and that he needs to find a place to stay. He also confirmed we were now separated which still caught me off guard. I knew my husband was upset, but he wouldn't just take off and move out or worse "separate" without talking to me. He said if I hadn't called the cops on him, or if if had cared more about him, than the Percocet, he wouldn't have left home. He blamed everything on me. I told him I was willing to see a Marriage counselor to save our marriage but he declined. I repeatedly asking him to come home to work things out but he kept declining. Then he had a consultation with a lawyer, that confirmed he didn't have to give me a dime until we signed a separation agreement. He started to act like a jerk.
He then told me he was staying in the apartment of 2 sisters in the program. He swore they were like sisters and that he was not, and did not plan to be in in romantic relationship with any of them etc...He also said both women had been sober for 12 months and that they have a "no alcohol, no drug policy" in which he will be kicked out if he drinks or uses drugs.
He started to make unrealistic demands, such as cancelling the kids summer camps, our vacation, asking he only sees the kids at his apartment. In the meantime, he still told me he loved me but that he just couldn't be at the house with me.
My kids started going to his apartment, and even slept over on some weekends. He said he was lonely. Then out of the blue, in September, he came back home because "he missed us". He also told me he was no longer on Percocet, but was now on "weeds" to help him with the pain and anxiety. When he was back at the house, he spent a lot of money on weeds, and most of his time in the basement smoking them. He was sleeping in, most of the days, and would be up all night. He would still have problems at work. And he would still miss things we needed to do with the kids. When he was out of weeds, he started to act like an ass again, and when I confronted him about it, he moved out of the house for the second time. This time, he said, he couldn't feel safe at the house.
A week later, he was fired for the 4th time within the last 18 months. He was now jobless, very little money came in and he still kept 1/3 of whatever he had. On thanksgiving eve, he asked my kids to be dropped off at the apartment to spend the night and then half of thanksgiving day with him. Around 1pm on Thanksgiving, he told me to come get the kids because their meals weren't prepared on time. He saw the kids on and off as he pleased in the meantime. I was such a fool.
I started to get upset as he was not around the kids that much. He started to call me names, such as "****, nasty ass bitch, ******* *****, etc..."; and that he "would come into our house and destroy everything in it".
I went to court and got a restraining order against him. I have it now for 2 years, but lawful contact is allowed.
He got toasted by the judge, lost custody of our kids, and was not allowed to be in the house, but was required to make payment on the mortgage, and our bills, etc...
His lady friend, whom he called "roommate" came with him at the court for "support". He came to the house that night and his friend picked him up because he had "no gas". Again, as they made their way out of the house, I sat on the couch feeling oblivious. Now I look back and I feel like a fool.
**** started to get back around Christmas. When he came over on Christmas Eve, he had to leave during the day to babysit for his roommates kid because she had to go to the ER. A few hours later, he came back, and we watched a movie through his laptop while wrapping our kids presents. During the movie, her text messages popped out of the screen, saying,
"I thought we were going to FaceTime at 1am?". THAT'S WHEN I FINALLY SUSPECTED ME THAT THEY WERE *******!
I confronted him about it, but he kept swearing they were just friends and roommates. The kids were asleep. Then morning came, the kids opened their presents, and then after that he went back to sleep on the couch until 4pm. I confronted him about it again, and this time, he started yelling. I warned him I had a restraining order against him and that would call the cops if he continued.
A few minutes later, The woman called our house the next day and I told her to %$$$ off. Did she care? Nope. She was waiting for him in the car outside our house.
I did try to make it amiable, but as a human being, I lost it that day. I told him in front of our kids that he was a dead beat dad, that he abandoned us for the his mistress, and that he was the most selfish human being that I have ever known. I told him I will never forget the pain that he inflicted on me and our little kids, that and he was not welcome at the house anymore, and that I will be filing for divorce based on abuse, abandonment and infidelity. Then I threw his bag out of the door. The woman was impatiently waiting for him in the car outside our house. All of this was unfortunately witnessed by our 3 young kids. My oldest covered his ears with his hands and had tears coming down his face; my daughter cried hysterically; and my youngest one, took my hands and told me to go in the other room, away from my husband. Then he left. I apologized to my kids and told them, " daddy had to leave the house because he was screaming and because he did something that made mommy very upset". I still can't believe that that happened.
5 days later, I sent him an email reminder that the lawyer and I are meeting to file for divorce and that he will be served with divorce paper soon. The night before I saw my lawyer, he sent me an email telling me, "IM NOT DOING WELL AT ALL, I MISS YOU AND THE KIDS VERY MUCH" begging me to speak with him which I refused.
I filled out the divorce paperwork Thursday before Martin Luther weekend, our lawyer planned on sending the file Tuesday when the court opens. After meeting with the lawyer, I sat down with him. He cried the whole time and begged to stay in the basement to be close to the kids. At the time, I had suspicion about the affair, but no proof. He kept saying they were just roommates.
Then he came back in the basement, and I found out about the affair by going through his journals which was on the computer that he borrowed from me. He finally admitted everything to me. And I was heartbroken.
He told me, he moved out because he was scared of going back to the psych ward or jail and needed a place he can escape.
Then he put an add on the AA club forum on facebook looking for a room, to which she immediately replied. They have been acquaintances for a while. She told my husband she was in a relationship with a man he knew, and that she had been sober for 12 months. She also claimed, she will kick him out if he drinks or does drugs.
My husband said his intentions were never to sleep with any woman, but to have a safe place to stay while he was figuring his **** out os he doesn't end up in jail.
He moved in believing she was a safe person to be around...and it was matter for days for him to sleep with her. She was in the middle of divorce herself so she recommended her lawyer to my husband, gave him advice on how things work now. A few days after they slept together, she told my husband she was on probation, because her boyfriend from 2016, took her fentanyl and died in her bed. She was required to secure her medicine in a safe away from anyone's reach.
However, She gave my husband the code of her safe so he could take Percocet from her. So all they did was sharing each other's Percocet and sleep all day for days.
I blame my husband for what he has done to me, but I do blame her as well.
The day my husband came back home, he told her he was going to stop by tp grab his belongings. He brought the minivan to get his stuff and told her he was going back to his family. She was kind of blindsided and kept sending him messages and emails but he blocked her. He didn't talk to her, just took off. A week later, he called her when I was around and told her, he was back with me and would like for her to stop contacting him. No, this does not make me feel proud or special at all; I could hear her cry on the other line, but what did she expect though. He hasn't talked to her since then.
Now my husband and I are still together. Yes I know. Most people would have left. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, but only time will tell. My husband had never cheated on any woman he dated until he crossed her path. He's a grown ass man and is responsible for his actions but I feel like if he hadn't crossed her path, he wouldn't have cheated on me. (please don't judge me, I'm sharing this based on the years of knowing him)
Some days, I feel like he cheated on me because he was misled and his judgment was clouded. So as a human being, he succumbed to the temptations and lost his integrity. By the time he realized what happened, damage had been done.
Our kids seem to be very happy that daddy is around and doing better health wise. He's more attentive to our needs and helps around the house. He is active in the program and sees a Therapist and Psychiatrist. He has been sober since he came home in January. He's more sensitive to my feelings and starting to enjoy things we used to do as a couple and family. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing the right thing to stay.
But some other days, I hate myself for being with a cheating, addict man. I feel like he's my enemy, the betrayal, lies, abandonment are too painful to let go. Sometimes I hate to share the bed with him. I still love him but don't see him as my soul mate anymore. I have resentment to what he had done to me and the kids.
What do you guys think. If you were in my shoes, Would you stay or would you leave?
Thank you.
PS. I was tested for STDs, hepatitis, HIV etc... after I found out about the affair, and I'm thankful I'm clear.
I think that he probably realized you were serious about leaving him this time and it possibly scared him to death. I think he realizes who’s been there for him and who will continue to be there for him. My husband just moved out a week ago also and I’m so scared to death that he meets someone else it turns my stomach, I hope he comes to his senses as your husband did. I hope things work out for you and him and that he realizes what he has in you.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Atlantis-I like your nickname....do you sort of feel like the lost city of Atlantis with regards to what you've lost in your marriage? (as an aside)
So, I started reading your OP the other night, but finished it today. Wow. That is a LOT you and your children have gone through.
I'm not here to say if you should stay or go. I cannot possibly advise on this, really, a few thoughts I've had are if he is truly in recovery and the wounds can be healed, I think you've got a chance at a good marriage.
Many married men and women cheat in their minds and in their hearts....they just don't do the deeds in the flesh. This brings up a whole other subject I'm aware....but there is a saying among committed couples: "You can look, but you can't touch." However, some spouses feel they have been cheated on already if their spouse so much as has fantasies about someone else. Then, there are emotional affairs that take place without or without having a physical relationship. If one party feels betrayed....there's a lot of healing that needs to happen if they are to remain together and reach happiness again.
Can you forgive? Because if you are not able to forgive, resentment will rule your heart, mind and even your soul. And resentment can "seep" into all the cracks and crevices of our lives including sometimes our physical health. Resentment destroys intimacy, it really does. And so, if you cannot be intimate with your partner, both you and he will feel a lacking and likely will not have fulfillment.
People can do lots and lots of things to stay together "for the children"....but what about YOU and your needs? I'm afraid you might always be wondering if someone else out there could love you better.....and he will feel your burning resentment no matter how much he tries to make it up to you and repair the damage that's done.
Give all this advice some looking over and remember that no big decisions have to be made right away.
So, I started reading your OP the other night, but finished it today. Wow. That is a LOT you and your children have gone through.
I'm not here to say if you should stay or go. I cannot possibly advise on this, really, a few thoughts I've had are if he is truly in recovery and the wounds can be healed, I think you've got a chance at a good marriage.
Many married men and women cheat in their minds and in their hearts....they just don't do the deeds in the flesh. This brings up a whole other subject I'm aware....but there is a saying among committed couples: "You can look, but you can't touch." However, some spouses feel they have been cheated on already if their spouse so much as has fantasies about someone else. Then, there are emotional affairs that take place without or without having a physical relationship. If one party feels betrayed....there's a lot of healing that needs to happen if they are to remain together and reach happiness again.
Can you forgive? Because if you are not able to forgive, resentment will rule your heart, mind and even your soul. And resentment can "seep" into all the cracks and crevices of our lives including sometimes our physical health. Resentment destroys intimacy, it really does. And so, if you cannot be intimate with your partner, both you and he will feel a lacking and likely will not have fulfillment.
People can do lots and lots of things to stay together "for the children"....but what about YOU and your needs? I'm afraid you might always be wondering if someone else out there could love you better.....and he will feel your burning resentment no matter how much he tries to make it up to you and repair the damage that's done.
Give all this advice some looking over and remember that no big decisions have to be made right away.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 29
Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
"Atlantis-I like your nickname....do you sort of feel like the lost city of Atlantis with regards to what you've lost in your marriage? (as an aside)"
Yes, I certainly do feel like the lost city of Atlantis. Somedays, I don't even know what I'm feeling, though I'm so overwhelmed with anger, sadness, resentment, and just feel dull.
"So, I started reading your OP the other night, but finished it today. Wow. That is a LOT you and your children have gone through.
I'm not here to say if you should stay or go. I cannot possibly advise on this, really, a few thoughts I've had are if he is truly in recovery and the wounds can be healed, I think you've got a chance at a good marriage."
Yes, this is where I'm really torn up. I really want to leave, but then wonder what if he fully recovers. He would be a good man to be with. Then I think about the pain that he inflicted on me, the betrayal, lies, cheating, abandonment; then I feel like I need to get out and prepare for an exit plan.
"Many married men and women cheat in their minds and in their hearts....they just don't do the deeds in the flesh. This brings up a whole other subject I'm aware....but there is a saying among committed couples: "You can look, but you can't touch." However, some spouses feel they have been cheated on already if their spouse so much as has fantasies about someone else. Then, there are emotional affairs that take place without or without having a physical relationship. If one party feels betrayed....there's a lot of healing that needs to happen if they are to remain together and reach happiness again.
Can you forgive? Because if you are not able to forgive, resentment will rule your heart, mind and even your soul. And resentment can "seep" into all the cracks and crevices of our lives including sometimes our physical health. Resentment destroys intimacy, it really does. And so, if you cannot be intimate with your partner, both you and he will feel a lacking and likely will not have fulfillment.
People can do lots and lots of things to stay together "for the children"....but what about YOU and your needs? I'm afraid you might always be wondering if someone else out there could love you better.....and he will feel your burning resentment no matter how much he tries to make it up to you and repair the damage that's done. "
Resentment is really what I need to work on. He is very loving when he's sober. When he's not sober, he's a monster. I have a choice to either stay and and be happy; or walk away. Either way, I will forgive him. I can't stay and complain about being unhappy; or leave and then realize I wasn't ready to be a single mom without a thorough plan. It's just that whatever decision I make, I have to be happy with the situation.
"Give all this advice some looking over and remember that no big decisions have to be made right away.
Yes, I certainly do feel like the lost city of Atlantis. Somedays, I don't even know what I'm feeling, though I'm so overwhelmed with anger, sadness, resentment, and just feel dull.
"So, I started reading your OP the other night, but finished it today. Wow. That is a LOT you and your children have gone through.
I'm not here to say if you should stay or go. I cannot possibly advise on this, really, a few thoughts I've had are if he is truly in recovery and the wounds can be healed, I think you've got a chance at a good marriage."
Yes, this is where I'm really torn up. I really want to leave, but then wonder what if he fully recovers. He would be a good man to be with. Then I think about the pain that he inflicted on me, the betrayal, lies, cheating, abandonment; then I feel like I need to get out and prepare for an exit plan.
"Many married men and women cheat in their minds and in their hearts....they just don't do the deeds in the flesh. This brings up a whole other subject I'm aware....but there is a saying among committed couples: "You can look, but you can't touch." However, some spouses feel they have been cheated on already if their spouse so much as has fantasies about someone else. Then, there are emotional affairs that take place without or without having a physical relationship. If one party feels betrayed....there's a lot of healing that needs to happen if they are to remain together and reach happiness again.
Can you forgive? Because if you are not able to forgive, resentment will rule your heart, mind and even your soul. And resentment can "seep" into all the cracks and crevices of our lives including sometimes our physical health. Resentment destroys intimacy, it really does. And so, if you cannot be intimate with your partner, both you and he will feel a lacking and likely will not have fulfillment.
People can do lots and lots of things to stay together "for the children"....but what about YOU and your needs? I'm afraid you might always be wondering if someone else out there could love you better.....and he will feel your burning resentment no matter how much he tries to make it up to you and repair the damage that's done. "
Resentment is really what I need to work on. He is very loving when he's sober. When he's not sober, he's a monster. I have a choice to either stay and and be happy; or walk away. Either way, I will forgive him. I can't stay and complain about being unhappy; or leave and then realize I wasn't ready to be a single mom without a thorough plan. It's just that whatever decision I make, I have to be happy with the situation.
"Give all this advice some looking over and remember that no big decisions have to be made right away.
True, I'm working on myself right now. I don't want to take too much time figuring out what I need to do.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Originally Posted by Atlantis
"
True, I'm working on myself right now. I don't want to take too much time figuring out what I need to do.
True, I'm working on myself right now. I don't want to take too much time figuring out what I need to do.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Resentment is really what I need to work on. He is very loving when he's sober. When he's not sober, he's a monster. I have a choice to either stay and and be happy; or walk away. Either way, I will forgive him. I can't stay and complain about being unhappy; or leave and then realize I wasn't ready to be a single mom without a thorough plan. It's just that whatever decision I make, I have to be happy with the situation.
This thing of resentment is a big deal no matter who you are or where you are in your life, or what situation you are in. It's also a big deal for any type of recovery. Resentment needs to be addressed....and it amazes me how easily resentment can get into our inner being and maybe we thought we had buried it real good so it wouldn't crop up and then wham, something brings that resentment out to the surface again...like an old wound we just bandaged up nice, but never really healed.
Naturally speaking, there are a lot of factors that go into wound healing and it's really not so different in the internal wound realm. Wounds need to be protected from further onslaught on harm...but sometimes they need to be open to air. There is this tendency to just cover them up, ignore them and hope they will just go away....
I've seen resentment at play with myself and so many others...people who still resent their partner for things that happened decades ago...I know one woman who still resents her husband being gone so much serving in the military while she stayed home and tended with the kids. To this day....she resents him. They are still together; still married, but I'd say they are not intimate...which is sad.
This thing of resentment is a big deal no matter who you are or where you are in your life, or what situation you are in. It's also a big deal for any type of recovery. Resentment needs to be addressed....and it amazes me how easily resentment can get into our inner being and maybe we thought we had buried it real good so it wouldn't crop up and then wham, something brings that resentment out to the surface again...like an old wound we just bandaged up nice, but never really healed.
Naturally speaking, there are a lot of factors that go into wound healing and it's really not so different in the internal wound realm. Wounds need to be protected from further onslaught on harm...but sometimes they need to be open to air. There is this tendency to just cover them up, ignore them and hope they will just go away....
I've seen resentment at play with myself and so many others...people who still resent their partner for things that happened decades ago...I know one woman who still resents her husband being gone so much serving in the military while she stayed home and tended with the kids. To this day....she resents him. They are still together; still married, but I'd say they are not intimate...which is sad.
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