Facing my worst fear...sober
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 37
Facing my worst fear...sober
Hey everyone
Just venting a little here
I drink mostly to deal with extreme anxiety.
Well
For many reasons but mostly anxiety
Just broke 1 week sober! Yay me
But I’m struggling
On Thursday I decided that the only way to stay sober is to face the fears that drive me to drink
My biggest fear is getting a certain blood test for something I may have ...the details don’t matter about my medical issues
So on Thursday
5 days sober
I went and got the test
Thanks to Memorial Day weekend
I have to wait 5 days for the results instead of 2
I have never been more afraid in my entire life
I can’t move
I can’t think
I’m just sitting here
My family says I should get out of the house and be with friends to distract myself
But I can’t
And I wish I could drink myself into oblivion for 3 days straight and skip time to the results
But I haven’t
Every second feels like torture
Time is moving so slow
Please pray for good results and for my sobriety
I’m not expecting any specific answers
But just posting here and knowing there are good people in the world rooting for me....well, that helps a little
Thanks
SF
Just venting a little here
I drink mostly to deal with extreme anxiety.
Well
For many reasons but mostly anxiety
Just broke 1 week sober! Yay me
But I’m struggling
On Thursday I decided that the only way to stay sober is to face the fears that drive me to drink
My biggest fear is getting a certain blood test for something I may have ...the details don’t matter about my medical issues
So on Thursday
5 days sober
I went and got the test
Thanks to Memorial Day weekend
I have to wait 5 days for the results instead of 2
I have never been more afraid in my entire life
I can’t move
I can’t think
I’m just sitting here
My family says I should get out of the house and be with friends to distract myself
But I can’t
And I wish I could drink myself into oblivion for 3 days straight and skip time to the results
But I haven’t
Every second feels like torture
Time is moving so slow
Please pray for good results and for my sobriety
I’m not expecting any specific answers
But just posting here and knowing there are good people in the world rooting for me....well, that helps a little
Thanks
SF
And I hope you don't drink! Drinking never makes anything better, it just adds another problem.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,506
One week sober is wonderful, SF!
It was brave of you to go get the test. Please know you'll be in my prayers. I know the wait is agonizing, but be proud of yourself for facing up to this. Please let us know how it goes. We care.
It was brave of you to go get the test. Please know you'll be in my prayers. I know the wait is agonizing, but be proud of yourself for facing up to this. Please let us know how it goes. We care.
Vietnam Vet
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: Georgia
Posts: 421
If this was the last three days of your life would the test results cause this much anxiety? It wouldn't for me because all the worry in the world would not change the amount of time I had left on this earth. So instead of choosing to stress and freak out over your possible results, why not live life as it is today. Grasp each minute, hour, and day as if it was your last. Make the most of the time you have regardless of the outcome of any tests. There is a song by Tim McGraw that has so much meaning for me as I'm a cancer survivor plus a Vietnam survivor, plus an alcoholic survivor and the beat goes on. Choose to live the rest of your life as if this day you are in is your first and last day.
Google the song and give it a listen. The lyrics are;
He said I was in my early forties,
With a lot of life before me,
And a moment came that stopped me on a dime.
I spent most of the next days, lookin' at the x-rays,
Talkin' 'bout the options and talkin' 'bout sweet time.
Asked him when it sank in, and this might really be the real end.
How's it hit ya, when you get that kind of news.
Man what ya do.
And he says,
[Chorus]
I went sky divin',
I went rocky mountain climbin',
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull name Fu Manchu.
And I loved deeper,
And I spoke sweeter,
And I gave forgiveness I've been denying,
And he said someday I hope you get the chance,
To live like you were dyin'.
He said I was finally the husband,
That most the time I wasn't.
And I became a friend a friend would like to have.
And all the sudden goin' fishing,
Wasn't such an imposition.
And I went three times that year I lost my dad.
Well I finally read the good book,
And I took a good long hard look at what I'd do
If I could do it all again.
And then.
[Chorus]
Like tomorrow was a gift and you've got eternity
To think about what you do with it,
What could you do with it, what can
I do with with it, what would I do with it.
[Chorus]
I went sky divin',
I went rocky mountain climbin',
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull name Fu Manchu.
And I loved deeper,
And I spoke sweeter,
And I watched an eagle as it was flyin'.
And he said someday I hope you get the chance,
To live like you were dyin'.
https://youtu.be/cyb-_Bikldo
I'll say a little prayer for you for strength and just believe in yourself that you can make it through this. Be strong and you can overcome fear.
Google the song and give it a listen. The lyrics are;
He said I was in my early forties,
With a lot of life before me,
And a moment came that stopped me on a dime.
I spent most of the next days, lookin' at the x-rays,
Talkin' 'bout the options and talkin' 'bout sweet time.
Asked him when it sank in, and this might really be the real end.
How's it hit ya, when you get that kind of news.
Man what ya do.
And he says,
[Chorus]
I went sky divin',
I went rocky mountain climbin',
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull name Fu Manchu.
And I loved deeper,
And I spoke sweeter,
And I gave forgiveness I've been denying,
And he said someday I hope you get the chance,
To live like you were dyin'.
He said I was finally the husband,
That most the time I wasn't.
And I became a friend a friend would like to have.
And all the sudden goin' fishing,
Wasn't such an imposition.
And I went three times that year I lost my dad.
Well I finally read the good book,
And I took a good long hard look at what I'd do
If I could do it all again.
And then.
[Chorus]
Like tomorrow was a gift and you've got eternity
To think about what you do with it,
What could you do with it, what can
I do with with it, what would I do with it.
[Chorus]
I went sky divin',
I went rocky mountain climbin',
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull name Fu Manchu.
And I loved deeper,
And I spoke sweeter,
And I watched an eagle as it was flyin'.
And he said someday I hope you get the chance,
To live like you were dyin'.
https://youtu.be/cyb-_Bikldo
I'll say a little prayer for you for strength and just believe in yourself that you can make it through this. Be strong and you can overcome fear.
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
That's very brave. Extreme anxiety was part of my withdrawal, even without any sort of challenge like you are facing waiting for the test results.
I had a similar experience in grad school without getting sober...found out an ex had died of AIDS and had to wait almost two weeks for my test results. It was the early 90s and Magic had just been diagnosed, so everyone was getting tested and the centers were jammed.
We're rooting for you to be healthy AND not give in and drink.
It's actually a blessing. If you can get through this without alcohol, you can get through almost anything! Remember that when challenged again in the future.
I had a similar experience in grad school without getting sober...found out an ex had died of AIDS and had to wait almost two weeks for my test results. It was the early 90s and Magic had just been diagnosed, so everyone was getting tested and the centers were jammed.
We're rooting for you to be healthy AND not give in and drink.
It's actually a blessing. If you can get through this without alcohol, you can get through almost anything! Remember that when challenged again in the future.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
I used to use escape sleeping to hide from my fears. Most were unfounded, many were vague and nebulous. I was frightened of my own shadow at times, and scared of the people that only wanted to help me.
I remember one time hiding in a darkened flat. My father was knocking on the door and calling my name. He ist wanted to know if I was ok. I was hiding behind the couch, to terrified to move, shaking like a leaf. Those were the days!
What I have learnt about fear is that what ever it is we fear is never actually happening at the moment. For example, when I am on the top of a tall building, I may fear getting to close to the edge. When I get too close to the edge , I no longer fear that, I fear falling. When I am falling, I no longer fear falling, I fear landing and so on.
Fear is always about some future event. I try to keep it in the day, and I have developed a faith that whatever happens, it will be ok. I will be given the power to handle my part in things. In a sense, I have found the answer to fear is faith.
"Fear knocked on the door, faith answered, no one was there.
I remember one time hiding in a darkened flat. My father was knocking on the door and calling my name. He ist wanted to know if I was ok. I was hiding behind the couch, to terrified to move, shaking like a leaf. Those were the days!
What I have learnt about fear is that what ever it is we fear is never actually happening at the moment. For example, when I am on the top of a tall building, I may fear getting to close to the edge. When I get too close to the edge , I no longer fear that, I fear falling. When I am falling, I no longer fear falling, I fear landing and so on.
Fear is always about some future event. I try to keep it in the day, and I have developed a faith that whatever happens, it will be ok. I will be given the power to handle my part in things. In a sense, I have found the answer to fear is faith.
"Fear knocked on the door, faith answered, no one was there.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,312
Hi sF
you may bot have been around then but a few ninths back I had fears about a chest xray - it worried me for weeks...turns out everything was fine.
A lot of the time the worst possible scenarios simply don't occur
...and drinking makes everything worse 100% of the time.
Wishing you the best
D
you may bot have been around then but a few ninths back I had fears about a chest xray - it worried me for weeks...turns out everything was fine.
A lot of the time the worst possible scenarios simply don't occur
...and drinking makes everything worse 100% of the time.
Wishing you the best
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 379
Hey SF,
Congrats on 7 days! This is my 7th too. Well done.
Just like you I have anxiety, and I used alcohol to treat my anxiety. Alcohol is a double edged sword. It temporarily makes the anxiety go away, but when you have no alcohol the anxiety comes right back. As you know, we just mask the problems.
You mention about a blood test. Been there. I had Cancer, and I was an alcoholic before, during, and after treatment. I missed 2 and half years of post-cancer blood tests and check ups because of anxiety. I drank to forget about it. Thankfully I'm still all clear and I no longer require checkups.
Get the blood test done. If it's nothing, you can rejoice. If it's something, they'll fix you up and get you back to normal. It's a win/win.
If you want to share your fears about this blood test I'm all ears. Feel free to PM me and I can offer you any advice I can.
Congrats on 7 days! This is my 7th too. Well done.
Just like you I have anxiety, and I used alcohol to treat my anxiety. Alcohol is a double edged sword. It temporarily makes the anxiety go away, but when you have no alcohol the anxiety comes right back. As you know, we just mask the problems.
You mention about a blood test. Been there. I had Cancer, and I was an alcoholic before, during, and after treatment. I missed 2 and half years of post-cancer blood tests and check ups because of anxiety. I drank to forget about it. Thankfully I'm still all clear and I no longer require checkups.
Get the blood test done. If it's nothing, you can rejoice. If it's something, they'll fix you up and get you back to normal. It's a win/win.
If you want to share your fears about this blood test I'm all ears. Feel free to PM me and I can offer you any advice I can.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 106
Congratulations on your one week! That is major!! As for the pain and anxiety you are feeling, I have a couple sayings. "Breathe and Believe ". " FEEL and have FAITH". This one is most important because it means you need to feel your pain instead of numbing yourself with alcohol or other substances. It's like an emotional detox, and believe me I know it doesn't feel good. It may take days until your body can relax and feel at peace. You will be a better and stronger person because of it. I believe when we come to terms with our higher self is where we meet "self control". It's the ultimate guidance in life. Stay strong and focused.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 37
Well as an update
My results were negative
As in healthy
I am so relieved
And in a moment of insanity (that only those here will understand) my mind sent a quick thought that now I CAN RELAX and celebrate the results with a drink!
I chose NOT to
But a good reminder of how I must be wary during my bad times and my good times
But today
I am sober
And healthy
My results were negative
As in healthy
I am so relieved
And in a moment of insanity (that only those here will understand) my mind sent a quick thought that now I CAN RELAX and celebrate the results with a drink!
I chose NOT to
But a good reminder of how I must be wary during my bad times and my good times
But today
I am sober
And healthy
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 271
Excellent news I am happy for you. I have experienced it too and understand the anxiety.
Really good you did not drink. Drinking in celebration is a strange concept as all drink ever does is make things a lot worse. You can move on now with your new life. You will need a period of rest after the emotional turmoil you have been under. Take care 👍🏻
Really good you did not drink. Drinking in celebration is a strange concept as all drink ever does is make things a lot worse. You can move on now with your new life. You will need a period of rest after the emotional turmoil you have been under. Take care 👍🏻
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 205
That's great news! I remember stringing together some days of not drinking and going to the doctor for a checkup. I lied about my alcohol use of course. Other than that everything checked out. So, I used that as an excuse to keep drinking. Do yourself a favor and stay sober and healthy. You dodged a bullet now but may not be so lucky in the future. Best of wishes.
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