andy1

I've been 43 days sober (I never thought I would last a week). After the first few days, I've found it relatively easy - I haven't really had cravings, I just haven't wanted a drink........until.......the last 2 or 3 days, and the craving has come.

And I've been thinking about events I have on next month - a holiday with my uncle and aunt who are wine drinkers and a festival, but with a fellow sober best mate so that should be ok. I guess I just need to focus on the here and now and concentrate on not drinking today.

I've started to go out with people in my local running club, and a meditation group - people who aren't drinking like mates from my local pub - I've been avoiding the pub the last few weeks.

What worries me is I've started to question whether I want to be sober, or want to have a few drinks this summer. If I want to be sober, I will be, but if I'm not 100% committed to being sober, then I fear falling off the wagon. I'm feeling a little confused.

SaturatedSeize

I think we all get to this point, I know I have. Me questioning my sobriety led me to another path of hurt and dysfunction to those closest to me.

Your AV wants you to become complacent. It's another trick it uses to slither it's way back into controlling you.

Why did you get sober to begin with? What has motivated you for 43 glorious days? How have you felt during this time of sobriety? Who will your drinking effect that you don't want it to? Now is a very distinct time for you to determine what you can gain and what you can lose?

Personally, what I've lost, isn't worth it, and maybe that's the case for you.

We can't drink in moderation. I've recently learned this the hard way. Eventually we don't drink in moderation anymore. You have so many sober hobbies you've begun to engage in, and sober friends. You have a wonderful foundation. Don't give this up. Get your head back in the game.

It's worth it, you are worth it, the people you care about (and care about you) are worth it.

BTW - I'm really glad you posted your concerns and confusion. You are continuing to show your sobriety is important by reaching out.

andy1

Thanks Seize. Sometimes it can be such an internal conflict. Inside, I know that sobriety is the way forwards but there seem to be a lot of voices around (not least in my own mind) trying to convince me to drink.

I've been checking sober-recovery pretty much daily. I guess my post was asking for a little support and encouragement. I haven't been to AA - I had been thinking that I didn't need it because I have a variety of "sober" hobbies, and I have 2 very close friends who are 1 year sober, and 3 years sober who I can talk to and who really get it. I'm treating one as my sponsor even if it's not official, and calling him if I need to.

I've found it tiring keeping my guard up. I know that it's not enough to just vaguely want to not drink. I know I need to be 100% committed to being sober because I can't afford that one slip. I'm not used to being this focused, and prefer to go along with the flow, but I need to keep going the right direction and not resort back to old habits.

Anyway, thanks for being there everyone. I need to keep close to SR for a few days. I know every week that goes by, I get stronger. Keep going everyone.

SaturatedSeize

It's EXHAUSTING. To fight back the voices every day, whether internal or not, is brutal. This time of year is tough for me, I love sitting out in the sun with my drink of choice, absorbing some sunlight. It makes me feel good. It days like this where I've let me guard down and asked myself the same thing you are doing, "Do I really want to be sober?"

More mistakes have shown me I really, truly, do. It's so easy to talk ourselves into trying to drink again because it's going well. It's going well BECAUSE you aren't drinking, not because you are drinking in moderation.

I'm glad you will be staying close, and PM me if you want. I'll be close to SR this weekend as well.

Take care.

NoBones

Nicely said SaturatedSeize

Dee74

Welcome back Andy

I'd go back and re-read some of your old threads Andy - this kinda of questioning whether you're an alcoholic or not seems to be a long standing issue for you.

even tho you only posted in the last year you've been a member since 2014 - I don't think anyone without a problem would stick around here that long.

D

August252015

Glad you're back - and exactly what Dee said!

I'd also just add that having a program of action (mine is indeed AA) that supports me and keeps me from being at any kind of war (boy is anything like a battle exhausting, just like you said!) is essential.

Hope you stay with us this time, and best to you for choosing permanent sobriety. You can do it.

Gottalife

What would be the difference between concentrating on not drinking, and concentrating on drinking? Not much I would venture, drinking is the central subject.

I can understand how tiring it must be to keep you guard up all the time under those circumstances. It was unsustainable to me. Sobriety as a discipline was not something I could live with for long.

When I got into my program of recovery, the emphasis was different. I was concentrating on finding the Power by which I could live, and pretty much forgot all about not drinking. In that way, the things I needed to do to maintain my sobriety became a pleasure rather than a discipline.

andy1

Thanks Dee, August. Yes, inner conflict and questionning does seem a long-term issue. When I'm drinking, I'm convinced my drinking is fine. It's like I have a split personality.

I have to report, that I just had a pint and a half of cider. I just felt mentally tired from having my guard up the whole time so I got a drink. I had a brief moment where I was planning to go to the shops and get lots more booze, but it turned into the most unsatisfying drink and I poured half a pint away.

I'm feeling much stronger now. I guess that means day 1 again, but I've learnt so much from my 44 days sober (the longest I've manged in my adult life). I've lost weight, exercised more and started a much more healthy route. I'm going to avoid trigger situations, stay close to SR and my sober buddies. Thanks for the support.

Marcutah1

Day by day moment by moment it is about the decisions we make. Lets all keep making decisions where we win the battle with that little voice we all hear.