A life that never was
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
A life that never was
I'm finally sober and not ever going to drink again. It's taken me a long time, too long perhaps but just long enough maybe, to get here. I lied to myself and everyone else over and over. There was never going to be "moderation" - even though I reject the basic premise of that lie - there was only going to be attempts at hiding my consumption.
So finally I am here and going to be sober for good. Perhaps the change in my brain is just luck but I think it also has to do with two things I wanted to post about today.
1. is that I have finally taken the option of drinking off the table. "Urges" or "pangs" or whatever regarding drinking again are just regarded as silly thoughts - like admiring a woman not my wife, or thinking of robbing a bank - passing adolescent thoughts that will not be given any value other than a head nod. I don't drink, there's no option, simple as that.
Which leads me to 2. these "urges" or the related frustrations that I recently posted here about - they are a false dream of a drinking life that I never had. I was never the drinker that, for example, my wife is - someone who leaves half a glass of wine at the dinner table undrank. I didn't enjoy drinking as anything other than a conduit to oblivion. I drank, each and every time, to get as drunk as possible - sneaking sips from a stranger's liquor cabinet, stuffing cheap bottles of vodka in my briefcase to chug while using the bathroom at dinner, my body bent over the toilet with the water on so my family doesn't hear the retching as I violently vomit on another Monday morning having pretended only to have drank a couple glasses of wine the night before.
I was not living an admirable life, a life to be proud of or desired after. I was living a life of duplicity, shame and lies. I spent so much energy setting up, hiding, recovering from my drinking - everything was sacrificed on the altar of alcohol.
So these pangs/urges/frustrations, should and when they arise, are really just lustings after a life I never had, never could have, won't ever have. They are false, they are lies themselves, generated I think from a life I concocted for so many years in order to feed my addiction to alcohol. They may upset me, I might get pissed off or angry or envious, but in the end I see them for what they are - more lies, generated in the attempt to service that nasty, ugly beast of addiction.
Bit of a ramble sorry about that.
But here's to a sober Friday, a sober Memorial Day weekend, and all the things we can do with ourselves and our time when we are sober.
So finally I am here and going to be sober for good. Perhaps the change in my brain is just luck but I think it also has to do with two things I wanted to post about today.
1. is that I have finally taken the option of drinking off the table. "Urges" or "pangs" or whatever regarding drinking again are just regarded as silly thoughts - like admiring a woman not my wife, or thinking of robbing a bank - passing adolescent thoughts that will not be given any value other than a head nod. I don't drink, there's no option, simple as that.
Which leads me to 2. these "urges" or the related frustrations that I recently posted here about - they are a false dream of a drinking life that I never had. I was never the drinker that, for example, my wife is - someone who leaves half a glass of wine at the dinner table undrank. I didn't enjoy drinking as anything other than a conduit to oblivion. I drank, each and every time, to get as drunk as possible - sneaking sips from a stranger's liquor cabinet, stuffing cheap bottles of vodka in my briefcase to chug while using the bathroom at dinner, my body bent over the toilet with the water on so my family doesn't hear the retching as I violently vomit on another Monday morning having pretended only to have drank a couple glasses of wine the night before.
I was not living an admirable life, a life to be proud of or desired after. I was living a life of duplicity, shame and lies. I spent so much energy setting up, hiding, recovering from my drinking - everything was sacrificed on the altar of alcohol.
So these pangs/urges/frustrations, should and when they arise, are really just lustings after a life I never had, never could have, won't ever have. They are false, they are lies themselves, generated I think from a life I concocted for so many years in order to feed my addiction to alcohol. They may upset me, I might get pissed off or angry or envious, but in the end I see them for what they are - more lies, generated in the attempt to service that nasty, ugly beast of addiction.
Bit of a ramble sorry about that.
But here's to a sober Friday, a sober Memorial Day weekend, and all the things we can do with ourselves and our time when we are sober.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 296
Great post Less. I can relate completely. You are definitely not alone. I don't know if I broke the moderation portion of my brain, or more likely was born without that part. I tried, with almost no success, to moderate for years.
We all wish we quit drinking much earlier.
Someone in AA once told me "it took every drink you had to get you here. " Here is were we need to be. We can do this together.
We all wish we quit drinking much earlier.
Someone in AA once told me "it took every drink you had to get you here. " Here is were we need to be. We can do this together.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 446
Less, a wonderful post, thanks! Two things come to mind when I read this:
1) As you’ve mentioned above, the amount of energy we spend on essentially obliterating ourselves is just incredible. The time could be spent on family, work, hobbies, whatever, but we use it to drive ourselves into the ground.
2) The slippery slope: It’s not that alcohol was always horrible. In my 20s and 30s I had countless “nights I don’t remember with friends I’ll never forget” and it was awesome. But then those occasions faded away as our lives got busy and our family and work commitments grew - so I ended up ‘celebrating’ on my own like many of us here. No upside, but all the downside, just a pathetic dance with the Vodka bottle, an endless, frustrating spiral towads the bottom.
So glad I’m done with this sh$t!
1) As you’ve mentioned above, the amount of energy we spend on essentially obliterating ourselves is just incredible. The time could be spent on family, work, hobbies, whatever, but we use it to drive ourselves into the ground.
2) The slippery slope: It’s not that alcohol was always horrible. In my 20s and 30s I had countless “nights I don’t remember with friends I’ll never forget” and it was awesome. But then those occasions faded away as our lives got busy and our family and work commitments grew - so I ended up ‘celebrating’ on my own like many of us here. No upside, but all the downside, just a pathetic dance with the Vodka bottle, an endless, frustrating spiral towads the bottom.
So glad I’m done with this sh$t!
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 421
Very thought inducing, Less.
Shifting my perspective of what "fun" is and how to have it has been a big challenge for me. I didn't know how to have fun without booze. I couldn't just go to a movie, I had to get drunk first. I couldn't go golfing, hiking, music shows, without a buzz at the very minimum. My journey through sobriety has shown me it is possible to have fun while completely sober.
I did a lot of soul-searching to understand WHY I drink, and once I sat down and made that list, emotional reserve, is a nice umbrella for the top couple reasons.
Now that I'm working down my list of things to cope and deal with, I'm starting to shift my perspective more from a young dumb kid, to a grown, mature adult. And the expectations that come along with these labels.
I really like how you described your perspective of the urges and what they mean to you.
Perspective helps me understand things.
Thank you for sharing and I know you can do this.
Shifting my perspective of what "fun" is and how to have it has been a big challenge for me. I didn't know how to have fun without booze. I couldn't just go to a movie, I had to get drunk first. I couldn't go golfing, hiking, music shows, without a buzz at the very minimum. My journey through sobriety has shown me it is possible to have fun while completely sober.
I did a lot of soul-searching to understand WHY I drink, and once I sat down and made that list, emotional reserve, is a nice umbrella for the top couple reasons.
Now that I'm working down my list of things to cope and deal with, I'm starting to shift my perspective more from a young dumb kid, to a grown, mature adult. And the expectations that come along with these labels.
I really like how you described your perspective of the urges and what they mean to you.
Perspective helps me understand things.
Thank you for sharing and I know you can do this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Originally Posted by Ladysadie 
okay Less. Hope you're starting this weekend as strong as you've been reporting your sobriety has been. Thinking of you. Your resolve is just so inspiring. Hope everything is going well. Best wishes! Sadie
formerly luvSOBERlife
Join Date: May 2018
Location: East Tennessee USA
Posts: 116
Originally Posted by lessgravity
I'm finally sober and not ever going to drink again. It's taken me a long time, too long perhaps but just long enough maybe, to get here. I lied to myself and everyone else over and over. There was never going to be "moderation" - even though I reject the basic premise of that lie - there was only going to be attempts at hiding my consumption.
Less, this is EXACTLY how I feel right now. I understand there is no middle ground for me and alcohol. Never again, period. That's the only way. And that's only because I finally stopped b.s.ing myself about my drinking. Clearly you are no longer putting up with your own b.s. and that's the only way to get better.
formerly luvSOBERlife
Join Date: May 2018
Location: East Tennessee USA
Posts: 116
Originally Posted by SaturatedSeize
Now that I'm working down my list of things to cope and deal with, I'm starting to shift my perspective more from a young dumb kid, to a grown, mature adult. And the expectations that come along with these labels.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Originally Posted by Distorted Me
What a powerful and incredibly honest post.
Less, this is EXACTLY how I feel right now. I understand there is no middle ground for me and alcohol. Never again, period. That's the only way. And that's only because I finally stopped b.s.ing myself about my drinking. Clearly you are no longer putting up with your own b.s. and that's the only way to get better.
Less, this is EXACTLY how I feel right now. I understand there is no middle ground for me and alcohol. Never again, period. That's the only way. And that's only because I finally stopped b.s.ing myself about my drinking. Clearly you are no longer putting up with your own b.s. and that's the only way to get better.
So much of what it means to refuse to be the person I was for so many years, making excuses, pretending things were different in order to keep the same games going.
Not putting up with that anymore. My family and myself deserve more. It's simple really.
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