Day 5 ... Off to hospital after self harming
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 379
Day 5 ... Off to hospital after self harming
I thought it was all going well, and then this morning I ended up in a raging argument with the wife. Something petty turned into a huge row where we screamed at each other.
What got me was when she called me lazy because I sit on the computer working. I said to her "How am I lazy? I'm a software developer and run my own business". She said "A hard days graft is brick laying, or labouring, you just press keys that's not hard".
At this point I snapped because for 8 years I've raised her kid. She has never got him a Christmas present or Birthday present because she doesn't work. She smokes weed all day, and watches TV. The housework rarely gets done.
She went out for a walk and I was upset and distraught that my only point of escape was to self harm.
I used to self harm a lot in the past as a way to release pain, or anger. But since the death of my Dad, and my stepdad in January, I have been finding it increasingly difficult to cope with life.
I put on a brave face and smile for everyone because my family have been through enough, but sometimes, like today, I crack.
I'm not sure a congratulations is in order, but I won't be drinking today. That's something I guess.
What got me was when she called me lazy because I sit on the computer working. I said to her "How am I lazy? I'm a software developer and run my own business". She said "A hard days graft is brick laying, or labouring, you just press keys that's not hard".
At this point I snapped because for 8 years I've raised her kid. She has never got him a Christmas present or Birthday present because she doesn't work. She smokes weed all day, and watches TV. The housework rarely gets done.
She went out for a walk and I was upset and distraught that my only point of escape was to self harm.
I used to self harm a lot in the past as a way to release pain, or anger. But since the death of my Dad, and my stepdad in January, I have been finding it increasingly difficult to cope with life.
I put on a brave face and smile for everyone because my family have been through enough, but sometimes, like today, I crack.
I'm not sure a congratulations is in order, but I won't be drinking today. That's something I guess.
Ocean Lover!
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: You know nothing Jon Snow - UK
Posts: 2,604
Everyone's posts are welcome 16, this is a funny time of day as most of the UK has started work, the USA people are in bed so the board doesn't move very fast at this time of day. Also people sometimes only post if they feel they can offer some advice and relate to the poster, I have no experience with self harming and the only reason I didn't post initially was that I didn't feel qualified or that I could offer any advice that would be helpful. I didn't want to say the wrong thing so was guilty I guess of saying nothing at all.
Good on you though for staying sober throughout this stress and it must be hard to feel like you have to keep up a front for everyone else. Keep strong and hope everything goes ok at the hospital. Let us know how you get on x
Good on you though for staying sober throughout this stress and it must be hard to feel like you have to keep up a front for everyone else. Keep strong and hope everything goes ok at the hospital. Let us know how you get on x
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Florida., USA
Posts: 3,252
Of course your posts are welcome 16years! That remark from your wife would have hurt me too. I know when my husband says things that are unfair and untrue I get these feelings (which I can't put into words). My thoughts turn to alcohol and I drink "at him", probably thinking, "See what you made me do!
". I guess in a way that's my way of self harming. I hope you get some help at the hospital 16. Please stay close and remember you're only hurting yourself. It sounds like your wife's intent was to hurt you. Stay strong 16 and feel better soon.
PS - I also was sleeping when you posted.
". I guess in a way that's my way of self harming. I hope you get some help at the hospital 16. Please stay close and remember you're only hurting yourself. It sounds like your wife's intent was to hurt you. Stay strong 16 and feel better soon.
PS - I also was sleeping when you posted.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 421
Please don't let the speed of the board deter you 16, it is never anything personal against anybody and I hope you aren't letting insecurities deter you from a wonderful resource. As stated, it was an awkward time. At 4:16am, most of us in the US are asleep, I don't think I've ever been on the board at that time. I can obviously speak for myself in this.
First of all, I'm glad you are staying sober. That needs to remain forefront when these tough times occur. Remaining vigilant will prevent further problems.
It sounds like to me some major communication needs to occur between you and your wife. Her habits aren't healthy and you feel as though you've stepped in and aren't being appreciated for that. There might be resentment building and if that isn't addressed, it will only lead to further, and more severe, arguments. Is she supportive in your sobriety?
It sounds like to me some grief counseling might be a good idea. Loss is hard to deal with alone. I isolate when my life takes a tail-spin. It's really hard for me to talk to anybody about my problems. For the first time ever, I'm going to see a counselor next Thursday and I'm interested to see how it goes. I need to try different things to help better my life. Hopefully if you can come to terms with the underlying issue, it'll help prevent the self-harming.
Best of luck to you, and please remember, we DO appreciate your posts, sometimes we can't relate to everything that is brought up.
First of all, I'm glad you are staying sober. That needs to remain forefront when these tough times occur. Remaining vigilant will prevent further problems.
It sounds like to me some major communication needs to occur between you and your wife. Her habits aren't healthy and you feel as though you've stepped in and aren't being appreciated for that. There might be resentment building and if that isn't addressed, it will only lead to further, and more severe, arguments. Is she supportive in your sobriety?
It sounds like to me some grief counseling might be a good idea. Loss is hard to deal with alone. I isolate when my life takes a tail-spin. It's really hard for me to talk to anybody about my problems. For the first time ever, I'm going to see a counselor next Thursday and I'm interested to see how it goes. I need to try different things to help better my life. Hopefully if you can come to terms with the underlying issue, it'll help prevent the self-harming.
Best of luck to you, and please remember, we DO appreciate your posts, sometimes we can't relate to everything that is brought up.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,373
16, please keep posting, we care about you so much! I know how it is to struggle with self-harm... I've been there. After my last binge I hurt myself so badly I needed stiches. It left me with ugly and obvious scars...
I'm sorry about your wife. Those were some hurtful words, but well done for not picking up a drink! A huge trigger like that would be hard for me to overcome...
I agree with SaturatedSeize, have you thought about seeing a grief counselor? It's worth to think about some sort of available support, especially if you feel so overwhelmed and depressed.
I'll be glad to help in any way I can, PM me if you want. Please be safe. I'm thinking of you..
I'm sorry about your wife. Those were some hurtful words, but well done for not picking up a drink! A huge trigger like that would be hard for me to overcome...
I agree with SaturatedSeize, have you thought about seeing a grief counselor? It's worth to think about some sort of available support, especially if you feel so overwhelmed and depressed.
I'll be glad to help in any way I can, PM me if you want. Please be safe. I'm thinking of you..
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Please don't feel that people don't care.
I was in bed. It was 3AM here when you posted...like MantaLady said, it was just timing - nothing more.
I've lost all my family so I know grief does weird things. All of us know about self-harm, whether it be drinking, drugging, overeating, or actual physical bodily harm. I understand it. For me, all those behaviors are ramped up ten thousand percent by drinking. Drinking sets in motion the ruminations, the obsessive circular thinking and the woe is me, can't solve this mindset.
I hope you are physically okay. I think the best thing I did for my own peace of mind was quit and stay quit on the drinking. It made all my other problems manageable because I have control of my anxieties and fears now. I have the ability now to reason through things.
I was in bed. It was 3AM here when you posted...like MantaLady said, it was just timing - nothing more.
I've lost all my family so I know grief does weird things. All of us know about self-harm, whether it be drinking, drugging, overeating, or actual physical bodily harm. I understand it. For me, all those behaviors are ramped up ten thousand percent by drinking. Drinking sets in motion the ruminations, the obsessive circular thinking and the woe is me, can't solve this mindset.
I hope you are physically okay. I think the best thing I did for my own peace of mind was quit and stay quit on the drinking. It made all my other problems manageable because I have control of my anxieties and fears now. I have the ability now to reason through things.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
...and because I always have more to say...
It takes time for the nervous system and body to settle down in early sobriety. Like it took me almost a year of daily mindful work and healthy food and exercise before my nerves settled down. If I remember correctly, you had a recent redrinking event or some time back in the dance with alcohol? I struggled a lot in that first year, and I had no relapses. I was continuously sober, but I wasn't continuously, "well." It took a whole lot longer than I liked.
I've heard this a lot on this forum and in AA. Time takes time. It applies to grief, and it applies to marriage problems too. One day, one step, one thought at a time. It's a big task, but you can sort through all of this.
It takes time for the nervous system and body to settle down in early sobriety. Like it took me almost a year of daily mindful work and healthy food and exercise before my nerves settled down. If I remember correctly, you had a recent redrinking event or some time back in the dance with alcohol? I struggled a lot in that first year, and I had no relapses. I was continuously sober, but I wasn't continuously, "well." It took a whole lot longer than I liked.
I've heard this a lot on this forum and in AA. Time takes time. It applies to grief, and it applies to marriage problems too. One day, one step, one thought at a time. It's a big task, but you can sort through all of this.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: North of the UK (one of the cold bits)
Posts: 672
16yrs - 6 months ago I would have had exactly the same reaction as yourself if someone hadn't replied quickly to my post but I think it's a combination of recovery & stress talking, not the real you. The people here on SR get this. And we also get that people have to vent here as sometimes it's difficult to articulate just how s***y you're feeling inside.
We genuinely do care - please....post anytime, night or day. It may be 3 minutes to a reply or it could be 3 hours. Either way, we're with you. Yix x
We genuinely do care - please....post anytime, night or day. It may be 3 minutes to a reply or it could be 3 hours. Either way, we're with you. Yix x
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: St.Petersburg, FL.
Posts: 1,077
I really care, 16. Early sobriety is so hard and your wife was certainly inconsiderate to what you are going through. I used to self-harm and it would give me a strange sort of relief to punish myself further.
I wish you all the best in this sober journey. 5 days is great. Please keep it going.
I wish you all the best in this sober journey. 5 days is great. Please keep it going.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 379
Back. Sorry about my last post. My emotional outburts are becoming a little too frequent at the moment.
I had my wounds glued and 1 required 5 stitches. They've reported it to my doctor but he's as useless as a chocolate teapot. The last time I went in and explained my struggled he brushed it off as insignificant. I don't hold my breath there. I'd change doctors but it's hopeless. My record follows me and I'm pretty sure it says "beware hypochondriac" on my medical notes lol.
I can't explain what is going on in my head at the moment. Depression does that to you. You don't even know it's there until it's too late and you finally realise you need help. For a long time this has been normality for me. Living in a depressive state has become the norm to the point where I don't know any other way of living. And although I feel happy in general at times it's only happiness with the current situation, not happiness in life as a whole.
Change is scary. And today I've realised how far down the hole I have slipped. What I did today shouldn't have happened, but a small part of me is glad that I had to experience this to realise a lot about myself.
I think for a long time I have used alcohol to mask what I am going through now. I have a lot of emotions that have been imprisoned in the depths of my brain by alcohol.
A lot of how I am feeling is likely exasperated by the alcohol withdrawal. I have craved a little today. But as some of you have rightly pointed out these are the times when I need to stay strong. If I can slay the dragons, slaying the wolves will not be a problem.
I'm still very agitated. I have spoke with the wife. I apologised for over reacting to the situation but I told her we need to make some changes in our relationship. Much of my post above was pure anger and no logic. That's how I get when angry.
I feel like I have a mountain ahead of me but I'm prepared to climb it. Failure is not an option this time around.
I had my wounds glued and 1 required 5 stitches. They've reported it to my doctor but he's as useless as a chocolate teapot. The last time I went in and explained my struggled he brushed it off as insignificant. I don't hold my breath there. I'd change doctors but it's hopeless. My record follows me and I'm pretty sure it says "beware hypochondriac" on my medical notes lol.
I can't explain what is going on in my head at the moment. Depression does that to you. You don't even know it's there until it's too late and you finally realise you need help. For a long time this has been normality for me. Living in a depressive state has become the norm to the point where I don't know any other way of living. And although I feel happy in general at times it's only happiness with the current situation, not happiness in life as a whole.
Change is scary. And today I've realised how far down the hole I have slipped. What I did today shouldn't have happened, but a small part of me is glad that I had to experience this to realise a lot about myself.
I think for a long time I have used alcohol to mask what I am going through now. I have a lot of emotions that have been imprisoned in the depths of my brain by alcohol.
A lot of how I am feeling is likely exasperated by the alcohol withdrawal. I have craved a little today. But as some of you have rightly pointed out these are the times when I need to stay strong. If I can slay the dragons, slaying the wolves will not be a problem.
I'm still very agitated. I have spoke with the wife. I apologised for over reacting to the situation but I told her we need to make some changes in our relationship. Much of my post above was pure anger and no logic. That's how I get when angry.
I feel like I have a mountain ahead of me but I'm prepared to climb it. Failure is not an option this time around.
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I'm glad you got to the hospital and are feeling a bit better.
I hope you can find healthy ways to deal with stress and negative emotions. Do you exercise at all? That can be very beneficial. Have you considered counselling to help you deal with self-injuring?
I hope you can find healthy ways to deal with stress and negative emotions. Do you exercise at all? That can be very beneficial. Have you considered counselling to help you deal with self-injuring?
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Join Date: Feb 2018
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Originally Posted by Anna 
I'm glad you got to the hospital and are feeling a bit better.
I hope you can find healthy ways to deal with stress and negative emotions. Do you exercise at all? That can be very beneficial. Have you considered counselling to help you deal with self-injuring?
I hope you can find healthy ways to deal with stress and negative emotions. Do you exercise at all? That can be very beneficial. Have you considered counselling to help you deal with self-injuring?
And yes I exercise. I do about 45 minutes of cardio + weights 3/4 times a week. It really does help.
I can't afford private counselling. The NHS can provided them but there is a huge waiting list. I'm on the list for CBT. It sort of goes to show how much of a problem mental health is if there's a huge waiting list in my area.
Maybe the report to the doctor from the hospital could speed up that process. I have an appointment Tuesday so we shall see.
I haven't self harmed by cutting in a long time. First time in at least a year. It usually happens when I'm at breaking point. At the time when it happens I'm like a crazy mad man looking for something sharp. I will attack my arm without even realising pressure or anything like that. I zone out for a second and when it's over it's like a huge pressure release. Usually it's just scratches but today it was a bit more serious. I won't be doing that again.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
There is a lot of good info on processing emotions online and in many self-help books or spiritual books. Whatever issues you have they are common to Man.
I wasn't able to sort through stuff at all when I was drinking. Give it some time and start some self-research. I think I read every self-help book published at one point. It all starts to make sense after a few of them.
I wasn't able to sort through stuff at all when I was drinking. Give it some time and start some self-research. I think I read every self-help book published at one point. It all starts to make sense after a few of them.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 296
So happy you came back, 16. I guarantee many of us here were worried/thinking about you. It may take a bit of time to get a response, especially at varying hours, but you will always get a response. We care about you. Have you ever used the chat function. There is usually people on there and the responses are typically quicker.
I hope you start to feel better and can find a healthy outlet for your stress. If you need to vent, we are always here to listen.
I hope you start to feel better and can find a healthy outlet for your stress. If you need to vent, we are always here to listen.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 379
Originally Posted by Chase01
So happy you came back, 16. I guarantee many of us here were worried/thinking about you. It may take a bit of time to get a response, especially at varying hours, but you will always get a response. We care about you. Have you ever used the chat function. There is usually people on there and the responses are typically quicker.
I hope you start to feel better and can find a healthy outlet for your stress. If you need to vent, we are always here to listen.
I hope you start to feel better and can find a healthy outlet for your stress. If you need to vent, we are always here to listen.
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