What would you do?
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She is a friend. I respect her wishes big time and don't judge at all. Probably why I'm the only one she's open with
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These were along my first thoughts too.
I know I am guilty of it, but discussing others' situations- even mutual friends- can quickly get any of us in direct conflict with step 12. We care about people and we are human and we want connection....but I have been thinking about what, how and to whom I say things a lot lately. Gossip can get ugly very fast in recovery (possibly more so than in regular life, ha)....
Ultimately, I'd apply the "stay in my lane" approach and not participate in conversations. If asked about someone I don't want to (or shouldn't) talk about, I think I will just direct things back to me and say (here is a truth) "I've been so busy lately! I haven't been great at responding to folks (or whatever)" - basically, a basic truth that I can use to change the topic- or exit the conversation.
I know I am guilty of it, but discussing others' situations- even mutual friends- can quickly get any of us in direct conflict with step 12. We care about people and we are human and we want connection....but I have been thinking about what, how and to whom I say things a lot lately. Gossip can get ugly very fast in recovery (possibly more so than in regular life, ha)....
Ultimately, I'd apply the "stay in my lane" approach and not participate in conversations. If asked about someone I don't want to (or shouldn't) talk about, I think I will just direct things back to me and say (here is a truth) "I've been so busy lately! I haven't been great at responding to folks (or whatever)" - basically, a basic truth that I can use to change the topic- or exit the conversation.
I like the step 12 thing. I'm gonna run with that! It's really just two people that I've had to do the verbal shuffle with. It's hard because I love both of them and they know me.....they know when I'm lying.
Thanks Bimini. Yes I have no intention of spilling the beans. I think because we were all in rehab together there's a closeness that goes beyond the typical AA talk. The questions from folks, that I'm also close to, aren't 'hey how's so and so?' It's 'hey I know you talk to so and so, is she sober?' And I stammer a bit because I have to lie. That's really what I'm struggling with. By saying ' I choose not to discuss my conversations with so and so" I'm probably more effectively outing her if that makes sense. I mean, I know these folks pretty well.....they'd probably say 'ohhhhhh ok. I seeeee.' It's just awkward. But I think that's all I can do, just tell them I keep our visits private. Ugh.
She created the awkward though - you didn't. You don't have to lie, and if they read between the lines, so be it.
I'm of the belief others almost always know a lie...so that's why I said, "I told her I would keep her confidence, so I hope you understand I'm under that promise."
I mean the only one it matters to is her. Not sure why she is ashamed. I think I would say to her, "Hey, you are really putting me on the spot. If you don't want to come clean to the rehab pals maybe don't tell me any more about your current drinking. They keep asking and I don't like how it's making me feel."
Those are HER consequences for her dishonesty. She has to know it affects you. There is a whole ripple thing going on.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
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No they wouldn't. Really it's about effectively covering for her without outwardly lying.
And there is the part where I feel like if she were honest with them when she talks with them I wouldn't be in this position. And she would be facing her truth. She's in 12 step so I think that would be suggested.
But that is of course entirely her call.
I'm just a crap liar.
And there is the part where I feel like if she were honest with them when she talks with them I wouldn't be in this position. And she would be facing her truth. She's in 12 step so I think that would be suggested.
But that is of course entirely her call.
I'm just a crap liar.
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Join Date: May 2017
Location: USA
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Frick,
I can see why your friend chose to confide in you. She clearly sees you as someone she can trust.
What seems like dishonesty could also be seen as self-protection. For those of us who grew up not being able to trust anyone and believing the world was a dangerous place, opening up to anyone can be a terrifying experience. We pick our confidantes very carefully and even then, are always looking for the faintest hints of betrayal to confirm that we were right not to trust people. In dysfunctional families, lying is often necessary for survival. It becomes one more dysfunctional coping skill that we have to unlearn in adulthood.
I agree with others here that telling folks you need to respect your friend's privacy is all that needs to be said. Whatever conclusions they choose to draw is completely on them. You preserve your honesty and protect your friend’s confidence. There is no conflict.
I suspect your friend hasn't had a lot of trustworthy people in her life. I would treat her trust as the fragile gift that it is.
You are a wonderful friend and your friend is lucky to have you.
I can see why your friend chose to confide in you. She clearly sees you as someone she can trust.
What seems like dishonesty could also be seen as self-protection. For those of us who grew up not being able to trust anyone and believing the world was a dangerous place, opening up to anyone can be a terrifying experience. We pick our confidantes very carefully and even then, are always looking for the faintest hints of betrayal to confirm that we were right not to trust people. In dysfunctional families, lying is often necessary for survival. It becomes one more dysfunctional coping skill that we have to unlearn in adulthood.
I agree with others here that telling folks you need to respect your friend's privacy is all that needs to be said. Whatever conclusions they choose to draw is completely on them. You preserve your honesty and protect your friend’s confidence. There is no conflict.
I suspect your friend hasn't had a lot of trustworthy people in her life. I would treat her trust as the fragile gift that it is.
You are a wonderful friend and your friend is lucky to have you.
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Thanks Wiseheart.
Yeah I understand the trust/trauma/dysfuntion link all too well unfortunately. And I do have compassion for sure. Her dishonesty however is holding her back, IMO. And its really just lying to herself.....she believes her BS. I have diplomatically expressed this to her but she'll learn on her own time.
So yep, for now, I'm taking the 12th. Hehe. Like taking the 5th.
Yeah I understand the trust/trauma/dysfuntion link all too well unfortunately. And I do have compassion for sure. Her dishonesty however is holding her back, IMO. And its really just lying to herself.....she believes her BS. I have diplomatically expressed this to her but she'll learn on her own time.
So yep, for now, I'm taking the 12th. Hehe. Like taking the 5th.
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