Moms
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,914
There are many moms with similar struggles. And lots of non moms who offer caring non judgmental support. You are in the right place for encouragement in putting down the drink and being the mom you always have been underneath.
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 1,065
I have 3. My oldest is 18, both my girls are under 10.
You can't change the past, but you can give them a better future. You can teach them better coping skills than you were taught. You can be an engaged, active participant in their lives. I was always at every game I could, sold hotdogs at bbq, cookies, candy bars, wrapping paper, sat in for committee meeting, chaperones field trips while I was drinking secretly at home at night. Now I still do all those things and they are way less of an obligation and more fun. The kids appreciate it too. By some stroke of fortune, my girls have the same end of school trip... I said I wasn't sure I could go this year because we have company coming to stay. Well let's just say, I am going. I cannot disappoint them.
We can't change the mistakes we made, there may be bad memories, but we can make sure they stop. We can put the bottle down and embrace our children, enjoy them and create happy memories and strong, resilient and compassionate kids.
You can't change the past, but you can give them a better future. You can teach them better coping skills than you were taught. You can be an engaged, active participant in their lives. I was always at every game I could, sold hotdogs at bbq, cookies, candy bars, wrapping paper, sat in for committee meeting, chaperones field trips while I was drinking secretly at home at night. Now I still do all those things and they are way less of an obligation and more fun. The kids appreciate it too. By some stroke of fortune, my girls have the same end of school trip... I said I wasn't sure I could go this year because we have company coming to stay. Well let's just say, I am going. I cannot disappoint them.
We can't change the mistakes we made, there may be bad memories, but we can make sure they stop. We can put the bottle down and embrace our children, enjoy them and create happy memories and strong, resilient and compassionate kids.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,914
Ps hopefully I’m allowed to offer specifics because BrandNewDay11 has recently written some powerful amazing posts about her struggles and successes. You may want to look for that. She is brutally honest and super articulate etc.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Posts: 128
I’m a Mom of 2 boys, ages 5&7 and they have seen me drunk WAY to many times! I’ve chosen to not live that way anymore and set a good example for them. I feel the guilt and shame too, but that shows how much you care for them and want to change for the better! You can do it! Sure I was able to get up everyday and get them dressed and ready for school, many times hungover. Sure I still took them places, but when I got home got stupid drunk. Yep, I went to school functions, meetings, etc., but was binge drinking every chance I could. Today is the day for change, sobriety is the greatest gift you can give yourself and your kids, you got this!!
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: East Coast
Posts: 93
I have kids and also attend every event, function, sporting game etc. I get home at night and drink. I have been trying to get on track for past 2 months and keep failing. I am learning from every fail though - I cannot have any alcohol in house. Despite my best intentions to not drink, it calls out to me. So, no longer keeping it in house. Keeping busy at night when the urges hit. Coming here. I can totally relate to you. As my kids are getting older, I want to also set a better example of how to cope and handle the stresses of life. I tend to drink later so they don't see me completely zoned out, but as they get older, they are going to be getting wiser to my behaviors and actions.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,510
Lori, I spent three years drinking beginning when my oldest was 18 and my youngest 16. The guilt and shame overwhelmed me and prevented any kind of healing and growing for a long time. What I learned is that you must forgive yourself. For me, that didn't happen all at once. It was a process that I went through.
Focus on what you can do now and be the mother that you want to be.
Focus on what you can do now and be the mother that you want to be.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 454
Hi Lori.
I’m a momma of two girls- 3 and 5 years old. After both pregnancies I began drinking heavily and often.
Some days I feel regret and self hate. I can’t believe how drunk I got at times while being the primary care taker of my girls. Not to mention the activities that I was not fully engaged in. It makes me so sad.
Some days, I appreciate what I have. I am grateful that nothing terrible happened. And I try to forgive myself for my selfish actions.
It is tough... but forgiveness and sobriety is the healthiest way to move forward.
I’m a momma of two girls- 3 and 5 years old. After both pregnancies I began drinking heavily and often.
Some days I feel regret and self hate. I can’t believe how drunk I got at times while being the primary care taker of my girls. Not to mention the activities that I was not fully engaged in. It makes me so sad.
Some days, I appreciate what I have. I am grateful that nothing terrible happened. And I try to forgive myself for my selfish actions.
It is tough... but forgiveness and sobriety is the healthiest way to move forward.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 179
One boy, 9 months. I will say that if it wasn't for alcohol, I never would have had him! But that same alcohol was waiting for me when he was born, and had made a new best friend- postpartum depression.
I'm 11 days past my last drink, and... I thought I needed the wine to relax (like all those horrible mom wine memes want us to believe) but the truth is that the last week and a half has been wonderful. I have a sweet, energetic, smart boy, a wonderful husband, loving family, and cool friends, and I feel like I'm giving them more of my best self every day, without the nausea and guilt and hiding bottles and anxiety and most importantly the depression.
Not to say I won't struggle. But the further I get from it, the easier it is to be positive.
I'm 11 days past my last drink, and... I thought I needed the wine to relax (like all those horrible mom wine memes want us to believe) but the truth is that the last week and a half has been wonderful. I have a sweet, energetic, smart boy, a wonderful husband, loving family, and cool friends, and I feel like I'm giving them more of my best self every day, without the nausea and guilt and hiding bottles and anxiety and most importantly the depression.
Not to say I won't struggle. But the further I get from it, the easier it is to be positive.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 179
To be honest, I was scared of my own drinking before I got pregnant and was terrified he would be born with disabilities because I drank so much when I didn't know yet. The guilt of that and of being that woman who couldn't mom without wine.... Let's just say guilt can be a powerful tool (once I stopped letting it drive me back to the bottle). I am in a way grateful that I had already realized I was an alcoholic before, which saved me quite a bit of time after (but saved me no heartache or regret). I was disappointed that 9 months of restricted drinking didn't 'fix' me, but that was the lazy way out.... I had to fix myself and prove to myself that I could do it and was worth the trouble.
Lots of hugs to the moms that have posted. Being a mom is more grueling, exhausting, and scary than anything I've ever experienced(and I have one that isn't walking yet!), and it's not a surprise that we needed something to help us relax and destress. Please be gracious to yourselves and remember all of the women who are living with a sickness they can't name yet... We're lucky to have our eyes open, yes?
Lots of hugs to the moms that have posted. Being a mom is more grueling, exhausting, and scary than anything I've ever experienced(and I have one that isn't walking yet!), and it's not a surprise that we needed something to help us relax and destress. Please be gracious to yourselves and remember all of the women who are living with a sickness they can't name yet... We're lucky to have our eyes open, yes?
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 269
Originally Posted by Numblady 
Ps hopefully I’m allowed to offer specifics because BrandNewDay11 has recently written some powerful amazing posts about her struggles and successes. You may want to look for that. She is brutally honest and super articulate etc.
Lori, I have 2 teenage sons and the guilt over being "drunk mom" was unbearable at times. A user named Joandmelandhan recently gave me some incredibly awesome advice that has stuck with me. She said "... I decided that the time for "sorry" was over and that my actions from that day had to act as my living amends to them."
That is how I have been looking at each day in my new sobriety. There is nothing I can say or do to change the past. But going forward I can show them I am changed by living each day to the fullest, being fully present and available and the role model to them I always should've been. I believe it's the best and only way I can truly show that they mean more to me than anything else in the world.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 666
Brilliant replies and advice here.
I too am a mom, and was a wine drinking mom around my three kids during their elementary to high school years. I was a "secret drinker" but of course the effects spilled over into daily life... making me miss way too many morning obligations with the kids, or stumbling my way through them.. not being able to go pick them up late at night because of drinking... not being able to remember important things they'd confided in me late at night when they came home. All of it was powerful motivation for me to not waste any more of my time with them and he engaged and present. The past year I've been able to do just that.. and that is a gift I will never take for granted.
All you can do is move forward now. Use the past as motivation.
Thinking it's "too late" is the AV talking.
Beautiful and spot-on advice from joandmelandhan. Such profound shared wisdom here. I'm humbled every time I read here.. What a remarkable community this is.
I too am a mom, and was a wine drinking mom around my three kids during their elementary to high school years. I was a "secret drinker" but of course the effects spilled over into daily life... making me miss way too many morning obligations with the kids, or stumbling my way through them.. not being able to go pick them up late at night because of drinking... not being able to remember important things they'd confided in me late at night when they came home. All of it was powerful motivation for me to not waste any more of my time with them and he engaged and present. The past year I've been able to do just that.. and that is a gift I will never take for granted.
All you can do is move forward now. Use the past as motivation.
Thinking it's "too late" is the AV talking.
Beautiful and spot-on advice from joandmelandhan. Such profound shared wisdom here. I'm humbled every time I read here.. What a remarkable community this is.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 48
Originally Posted by BrandNewDay11
Thank you Numblady!
That is how I have been looking at each day in my new sobriety. There is nothing I can say or do to change the past. But going forward I can show them I am changed by living each day to the fullest, being fully present and available and the role model to them I always should've been. I believe it's the best and only way I can truly show that they mean more to me than anything else in the world.
That is how I have been looking at each day in my new sobriety. There is nothing I can say or do to change the past. But going forward I can show them I am changed by living each day to the fullest, being fully present and available and the role model to them I always should've been. I believe it's the best and only way I can truly show that they mean more to me than anything else in the world.
This just hit me right in the heart. I'm going to write it in my journal. Thank you Thank you Thank You!!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 48
I'm taken back by all of your responses. I've always felt alone like SUPER duper alone, like I'm the only mom with this issue and this thread gives me hope and for the first time in years that I'm not alone. So glad I have for this site!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Posts: 128
Trust me you aren’t alone. And have pride in knowing that you acknowledged your problem with alcohol and are being proactive about it. That is GREAT!!! Many Moms out there are still struggling with this horrible enemy, and I’m starting to see the light at 6 days sober, I’m never going back to the bottle. We should count our lucky stars for realizing we have no power over drink and be thankful we didn’t end up in jail, the hospital, or dead before finding out! We got this! Time for a change, one day at a time and every day sober is a victory.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 179
You are never alone! And we're the lucky ones who understand the problem. Mom culture right now is telling women that drinking will make them cool, relaxed moms... Even women who didn't struggle with risky drinking before are getting lost in it now! If you haven't, check out the Noel segment of HBO's Risky Drinking documentary. Although the segment is about one single mom, Noel, who struggles to be a sober mom for her kids, her circle of 'friends' ( I use that term very loosely) all actively judge or look down on her struggles while chugging wine by the bottle themselves. The 'mommy who drinks and cusses' blogger who kind of narrates Noel's struggle (while talking about all of the pilates she does so that she WON'T be an alcohol) is shown in a number of pictures and not one shows her without a drink in her hand. Glass houses, right? We can all do better.
We're making a better life for our kids with what we do. Hopefully, we can start to turn the tide away from 'Mommy's little helper' and towards being present 100% for our kids.
I also get tired of sanctimommy shaming and would like to see more of moms lifting each other up. We all know what it's like to struggle- let's continue to be there for each other in the hopes we can celebrate together in our sobriety!
We're making a better life for our kids with what we do. Hopefully, we can start to turn the tide away from 'Mommy's little helper' and towards being present 100% for our kids.
I also get tired of sanctimommy shaming and would like to see more of moms lifting each other up. We all know what it's like to struggle- let's continue to be there for each other in the hopes we can celebrate together in our sobriety!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
What you can change is their future. Nothing you say about your past will matter. It's actions over the period of a long time. That is what forms trust. Display behavior that is trustworthy and eventually they will trust.
I have two children who have never been able to trust their father again because he has made many empty promises to them regarding his drinking and behavior. It has ruined their relationship. One is now 18 and has next to nothing to do w/him. The other is 12 and counts down the seconds until she can do the same. He only has her 4 days a month and cannot manage to not drink during that time.
I don't say any of this to hurt you, but to tell you how to fix your relationship if that is what you want.
I have two children who have never been able to trust their father again because he has made many empty promises to them regarding his drinking and behavior. It has ruined their relationship. One is now 18 and has next to nothing to do w/him. The other is 12 and counts down the seconds until she can do the same. He only has her 4 days a month and cannot manage to not drink during that time.
I don't say any of this to hurt you, but to tell you how to fix your relationship if that is what you want.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 3,241
Mom here too! 2, 6, 8.
Unfortunately it’s become much more prevalent as of late. The wine and parenting memes, mommy happy hours, teacher gifts that say - “my kid makes you drink”....it’s everywhere. You’re in good company here, too, though. Big hugs! Keep posting, join a class group, and remember that you’ll never wake up and regret NOT drinking!!
Unfortunately it’s become much more prevalent as of late. The wine and parenting memes, mommy happy hours, teacher gifts that say - “my kid makes you drink”....it’s everywhere. You’re in good company here, too, though. Big hugs! Keep posting, join a class group, and remember that you’ll never wake up and regret NOT drinking!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,479
I’m a mom too. My 3 little ones are 8 and under. We used to have a mom’s group here but a few years ago but it slow dwindled away. Maybe we should start a new one 🤔
Like Apple said the “wine mom’s” is a real thing leading to dangerous consequences. I stick with the coffee mom’s on Instagram 😝
Like Apple said the “wine mom’s” is a real thing leading to dangerous consequences. I stick with the coffee mom’s on Instagram 😝
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 4,553
Originally Posted by BrandNewDay11
Thank you Numblady!
Lori, I have 2 teenage sons and the guilt over being "drunk mom" was unbearable at times. A user named Joandmelandhan recently gave me some incredibly awesome advice that has stuck with me. She said "... I decided that the time for "sorry" was over and that my actions from that day had to act as my living amends to them."
That is how I have been looking at each day in my new sobriety. There is nothing I can say or do to change the past. But going forward I can show them I am changed by living each day to the fullest, being fully present and available and the role model to them I always should've been. I believe it's the best and only way I can truly show that they mean more to me than anything else in the world.
Lori, I have 2 teenage sons and the guilt over being "drunk mom" was unbearable at times. A user named Joandmelandhan recently gave me some incredibly awesome advice that has stuck with me. She said "... I decided that the time for "sorry" was over and that my actions from that day had to act as my living amends to them."
That is how I have been looking at each day in my new sobriety. There is nothing I can say or do to change the past. But going forward I can show them I am changed by living each day to the fullest, being fully present and available and the role model to them I always should've been. I believe it's the best and only way I can truly show that they mean more to me than anything else in the world.
Lorij13099 the wonderful news is you have found a caring community where there is no longer any need to hide your guilt. There are many other mothers here who carry the same burden but have found a way of breaking the guilt-drink cycle and work a programme of sobriety which suits their lives. You only have to mention the word "mom" and we will flock and offer our support day or night. Because we understand.
Of course we can't put motherhood on hold and go off to a recover commune for 3 months. Life isn't like that and it inherently makes it extra difficult to begin with.
Our children need their mums. They don't deserve the "sorries" or empty promises. What they need is for us to get well and, in time, become the mum they need. The guilt can indeed be overwhelming but guilt is such a strong trigger emotion it is crucial you put it to one side in the short term. Getting sober and in time maintaining long term sobriety is the absolute number 1 best thing you can do for your children. I truly believe that.
We are here to hold your hand through the difficult times ahead. You aren't alone any more. I look forward to sharing your journey with you xxx
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