welp...i just cried uncontrollably at work!
 

Hi guys,

I havent been on in a bit and needed to check in as today is a flippin weird one. I just hit 6months yesterday! Its funny how clock work recovery is sometimes. The last two weeks or so have been almost a self reflection type; thinking of how wrong i had it and **** ive done that i regret, married with some anxiety over it all. That leads me today, i had to go pick up lunch for the office a two separate restaurants and was having horrible anxiety just being in line at both of them ( felt like everyone was looking at me and knew i was having anxiety). Its nothing new with anxiety and the whole sober thing but things have been drastically better the last month or so. Either way, i got back to the office and got kind of teary eyed, excused myself, went to my office and just cried like a little baby for no good reason. I know its part of the process or what not but was curious if anyone can relate to this. Much love.

James

Hi James, It sounds like you're healing. In the past, when I've had episodes of uncontrollable crying it's usually followed by a calm, peacefulness, serenity and a deeper understanding of myself.

I think it's part of the process.

Best to you.
-sb

Sounds like you had a trying day Cobber. That's a valid reason to cry I reckon - even for us blokes :)

D

Cobber,

I relate. I get fed up w the unfair, preferred treatment I feel some foks seem to get in life.

I always try to take responsibility for my problems though. That way I have a chance to fix them.

I have been doing the same job for 22 years. You would think it would earn me respect from my boss. Nope. He treats new guys better than me.

I hate it. But, I have to remember I was a drunk for 90% of the time I knew him. I was disrespectful and inconsistent. Even though our relationship is better and I do better work, the rebuild probably is impossible.

I made my own bed.

Coming up with a reason that I can control, whether it is correct or not, solves the issue in my head....so I can at least sleep.

Sleeping makes a big difference in my perception.

Hope this helps in some way.

Thanks.

Can very much relate.

Grateful for the your courage to post this. It's living man.... such a wonderful thing. So nice to have emotions again instead of just being numb all the time - even if some of the emotions are weepy.

I had this moment after like my 3rd or 4th week - I was returning from a business trip. I was so saturated with sensation overload - a new client, people all around me at the airport, me getting past not stopping at the airport bar for the first time, etc. etc.. When I got to my vehicle I was digging into my pocket for my keys and it just came up on me and I stood there and wept. It was mostly a relief weep. But also just the weight I'd been carrying around.

It's good to be alive.

-B

I totally relate! I think its part of the healing process. I sure got that way sometimes and still do occasionally. It usually after i have been under a lot of stress or feeling more anxiety that usual. It kinda comes to a head and not alwase at the best time. It gets better though.

Thanks guys! Took the day and came home. I think just overload of trying to make sense of the last 10 years or so, seeing what i have now, having an old friend in for the weekend, and the anxiety of being in the F-ing restaurant was just all coming to an explosion. Im starting to realize that this big tough guy i thought i was or had others perceive who had no feelings or this or that, isn't me. So i guess to actually feel for once or to actually be cognizant of whats going on for once is just such a drastic change, its borderline overwhelming. If i step back and take a 1,000ft view at it, its quite amazing where I am at. I do more in a week now that i used to do in a month, my wife likes me, my kids want to be with me, apparently i am funny also without booze, just all of it is such a blessing my mind cant comprehend this new way of life i guess. I don't know, i'm rambling, i appreciate you all and hope that if theres one person who reads this, thats where i have been, in a valley over the last 6 months, gets that, if you put your head down and say f*ck you booze, you're not stealing me from life, its worth the ramble. Much love!

So well said mate. I swear I can relate to every word of it.

And yea... even on the days life sucks I try to remind myself that at least I'm feeling something... at least I give a ****. That black hole of alcohol induced denial and numbness... it's the very essence of evil.

Great stuff. :)