Renvate

Day 21.

Nearly caved in today.

I went to play volleyball at the beach with this new crowd that I have been associating with, Tryna make some friends at least...(every Sunday beach volleyball)

I don't speak much, I don't want to make a fool of myself.

I Got invited for lunch afterwards and automatically I declined because well...I don't speak much in groups, so sitting there at a dinner table in a group staring into empty space is not for me. God forbid I get invited to a party...what a nightmare. The group, I felt was abit offended I declined or is abit offended I not as extroverted, i dunno.

I've come to the conclusion that I must subconciously really ****ing hate myself to deprive myself of social contact and dissect every detail of my social processes to see where I went wrong and berate myself over it. I've met HORRIBLE ppl in the past with confidence made of steel, and they don't care how they are perceived.

Anyway long story short I would of gotten sloshed Tonight to dull myself and boost my self worth.

but no. I won't. That would be just an utter embarrassing failure, i can't see ANY reason to drink, it will do NOTHING.

If I drink in my current life mindset, I will no doubt give up and end up under a bridge or be back here in 6 months even worse of, iam seriously on the pinnacle of an alcoholic disaster and my fate will be sealed if I start again.

I've spent 21 days on absolute edge and the last thing I want to be friends with is alcohol.


On the upside, Something must be really going on in my head if i have convinced myself that alcohol won't help me and i just won't allow myself to give up only for a few hours of happiness/numbness.

lola1987

That's such an achievement well done to you 😃

Dee74

I'm glad you didn't drink Renvate. I hope you might grow comfortable enough to accept a few invites at some point tho.

The thing is, you don't have to be the life of the party or the sparkling wit, or the whatever else - just being you is all any of us need to be.

you do have to take a step or two towards opening up the walls, though.

I was out last night - I met up with someone I hadn't seen for ages - one my sisters out-laws - we don't know each other very well but we connected.

We didn't solve world peace or crack the atom - but it was nice.

To me, friendships are made of little moments like those, not big extravaganzas.

D

MantaLady

I could have wrote that myself Renavate, I absolutely get those feelings as at day 21 I am having a crisis of confidence too and doubting myself, I think I am boring etc etc and the list of kicking myself down goes on. The thought has crossed my mind once or twice to just get blotto, but I won't. Wish I could offer you some wise words here, but all I can say is "i get it, I feel that way too" and not sure that's much help xx

Renvate

Thanks guys.

I've come to the conclusion I should of Weathered the mental storm and accepted, my mistake.

Next Sunday I have made it my goal to accept.

Primativo

Just be yourself mate. Don't be too harsh on yourself.

Alcohol is such a temporary relief and it wears off so quickly and leaves you needing more and more. Horrible horrible.

AnvilheadII

i doubt the group was offended, R. we always have the right to decline any invitation....other people really aren't as concerned with our "stuff" as our head might tell us. there was no mistake made in saying NO. don't pressure yourself to do things you aren't quite ready for....this isn't a race...........just be you. that's is perfectly enough! YOU are enough!

lessgravity

Well done Ren. Build on that sober muscle.

I used to say the same thing and still do about pos's with supreme confidence and yet good people beat themselves up all day. My example, for what it's worth, was of the serial killer whistling as he walked down the street, whereas I'm questioning my self-worth bc of a late project at work.

Anyhow - here's to getting and staying sober - the work of self and spirit seems only possible with the poison put down for good.

Congrats again.

PinnacleOR

I am also an introvert and have gotten only more isolated while drinking. As I’ve gotten older ive also gained a lot of weight and just hate how I look in the mirror. I haven’t had a romantic relationship in years. I makes me feel awkward in groups. I know I need to love and be kind to myself and work on being kind to others without expecting anything in return.

columbus

Give people a chance.

You'd be surprised how, in fact, no one is judging you.

And sometimes it's the quiet ones that add their own dose of calmness to a group.

LEP1968

Just trying to share my experience..... you sound somewhat like myself. I was told by an AA friend that I care too much about what other people think of me. And that is a character defect. I'm trying to be mindful about that, because frankly who cares what they think. It's none of my business what other people think of me. Be well my friend

Renvate

You have hit the nail on the head. And Absolutely have no idea how to stop this destructive thinking.

SickOfIt79

+1, me too.

Good job on day 21.