Matt9880

Alcoholic father was found dead in the coat check room of the restaurant he was a bartender...I was 26

9 months later my alcoholic mother commited sucide by downing a bottle of vodka and a bottle of zoloft

5 years later my only sibling died of a heroin overdose

I didn't just say all that for pity or misery but for my own selfish desire to open up in even the smallest way. I never speak about any of this because even though I know people mean well I find momentary sympathetic words hollow and actions that are taken in the name of pity insulting despite their noblest of intentions.

This is therapy...I am good guy only drink beer, have a wife and daughter and have an ok job in healthcare but I am also a self loathing drunk who to often uses the victim card on myself to excuse drinking.

Everday I imagine a cop coming to my door to inform me my wife and daughter died in a car accident. That only sounds ****** up to people who havent had to pick out 3 coffins for their family members by 35 (more self loathing and misery lol)

The mind, ego, emotion game is the greatest carnival ride known to man.

Dee74

I'm sorry for the sorrow and trauma you've been through.

I relived my own traumas for many many years.

Drinking never solved anything, it never made me forget the pain, not completely. It kept the wounds raw and made it necessary to apply more and more booze until I decided no more.

I walked out of the merry go round over a decade ago.

Best decision I ever made, bro.

40 years was more than enough time to suffer.
D

yinzer

Think about how your wife and daughter would feel hearing that you died of some alcohol related cause. You don’t want that, eh?

I only drank beer, too. Took my health and years of my life.
Time to break the family cycle of alcoholism.

biminiblue

It still takes not drinking long-term to overcome those traumas.

I had a bunch of them, too. Some people have that as their stories, nothing to do about that but figure out how to live my life without the people I loved.

I can't change it, that's for sure: and I know none of my deceased family would want me to drink myself to death. I agree with Dee - as long as I applied alcohol I was in a perpetual poor me loop. When I removed alcohol I was able to get things right-sized.

BrandNewDay11

Matt, you already know that these are just excuses to justify drinking. Unfortunately the awareness and even confession that you are lying to yourself isn't enough to make you stop doing it, as you have seen.

Sometimes looking at it from a different perspective can give you insight that helps change your mindset. The book Rational Recovery uses a method where you learn to look at any and all thoughts that promote continued drinking as coming not from your true self, but your "Addictive Voice". They also refer to it as the "Beast Brain". Basically you learn to recognize those ways of rationalizing continued drinking as not coming from your true emotions or even your ego, but all from the part of your brain where your pleasure center lives--the "Beast" part of your brain. If any of this makes sense to you I suggest buying the book. I could not relate much at all to the 12 steps but a combination of Rational Recovery and the 30 Day Sobriety Solution, as well as some tibits from AA (not 12 steps) have all been useful to me.

Keep posting here!

saoutchik

Thank you for reaching out Matt.

You be the guy that breaks the family tradition and beats this thing. Don't let your family history stand in the way of leading a fulfilling life. All of us at SR know what addiction is like even if we have not had to go through what you did and i'm sure everyone here is willing you to succeed. Attaining sobriety is hard in the beginning but doable.

ScottFromWI

Welcome to SR Matt and sorry to hear about all the pain you've endured over the years. Lots of great advice here, and I'd echo the sentiment that none of that means you cannot quit for yourself. I also just drank beer and tried to minimize how much of an affect alcohol was having on me -it was my "escape". Nothing too bad that a few beers won't fix it, right? Turns out everything came crashing down around me because of the beer all of a sudden. I too was a "functional drunk" in my own mind - I still had a job, I was still married, etc. Turns out all of those things can be erased in a heartbeat if you don't watch out.

You'll find a lot of support and understanding here, I hope you can make the decision to buck the trend in your family and quit. You will never regret that decision.

D122y

Matt,

Imo...some decide to quit or have to quit before they have mental or physical damage they consider caused by alcohol.

Imo...there is mental damage for most long before they want to admit it.

I began having panic attacks, from drinking, when I was in my mid 20's. I rationalized escalating mental and physical damage as whatever and continued drinking.

I craved today, but I will never drink again. I am a non drinker.

I am long over the physical addiction.

Thanks.

VigilanceNow

So sorry for your sorrows. As others have said, you know drinking doesn’t make anything better; it becomes immeasurably worse. You seem to have some insight into yourself and perhaps why you turn to beer, but what does it all really mean? I’ve focused for a long time on the whys, and honestly none of the reasons I came up with were worth more than a moment’s thought. I drank regardless of the emotions I was feeling, and I know many alcoholics are the same: we are alcoholics, so we drink. Happy, sad, angry, indifferent, bored... didn’t matter. I used up every reason until frankly I didn’t need a reason anymore, and that scared me.

Are you seeking assistance of any kind in stopping? I’m sure your wife and daughter would be very happy to see that. So you imagine a doomsday scenario involving your wife and daughter... imagine if they called you from some bad situation, god forbid, and you couldn’t help them because you were drunk? I’ve been there, and the guilt is overwhelming. Don’t torture yourself anymore!

BlownOne

Matt, you have a golden opportunity to be the man to your wife and child that your own parents weren't able to be for you. Use your love for them as motivation to begin the work of recovery. You just may find that you're doing it for yourself very quickly. I did. You don't have to follow in your FOO's footsteps. The cycle CAN be broken. It takes work, but it is possible.