Last time has to be perfect
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 37
Last time has to be perfect
So I’m dead set on quitting
No doubt in my mind
I keep trying to have a “perfect” last drinking session
And this one time has become 5 times over the past week
Because it just doesn’t feel right
One of the times
I wanted to prove I could have only drink of each of my favorite liquors and not get drunk
Success
Another time
I wanted to have exactly 5 beers
Another time
I wanted to prove I could have only 1 drink
All of these experiments were “successful”
But...
I keep changing the rules of this final time
I don’t know why I’m doing this
I’m trying to feel some closure
Please help me understand this irrational behavior
I’m ready to quit
-SF
No doubt in my mind
I keep trying to have a “perfect” last drinking session
And this one time has become 5 times over the past week
Because it just doesn’t feel right
One of the times
I wanted to prove I could have only drink of each of my favorite liquors and not get drunk
Success
Another time
I wanted to have exactly 5 beers
Another time
I wanted to prove I could have only 1 drink
All of these experiments were “successful”
But...
I keep changing the rules of this final time
I don’t know why I’m doing this
I’m trying to feel some closure
Please help me understand this irrational behavior
I’m ready to quit
-SF
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 674
Understand irrational behavior? Think about that request for a second.
Maybe just quit playing with fire and quit drinking? No need to over-complicate it. Lots of resources here to help educate yourself. Lots of support too.
Also, beware of all or nothing thinking. It’s a sign of craving control- a common trait shared by many of us. (Including me.)
Just don’t drink. Do that for a couple three days or so. Keep it focused...
B
Maybe just quit playing with fire and quit drinking? No need to over-complicate it. Lots of resources here to help educate yourself. Lots of support too.
Also, beware of all or nothing thinking. It’s a sign of craving control- a common trait shared by many of us. (Including me.)
Just don’t drink. Do that for a couple three days or so. Keep it focused...
B
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 701
"I’m trying to feel some closure"
Drink until you black out, get in your car, crash it, end up in ER, be taken to lockup, lose job, lose everything...
That might work.
(in all seriousness, there is no "perfect" drinking episode, which it looks like you're beginning to see. Good luck in letting it go!)
Drink until you black out, get in your car, crash it, end up in ER, be taken to lockup, lose job, lose everything...
That might work.
(in all seriousness, there is no "perfect" drinking episode, which it looks like you're beginning to see. Good luck in letting it go!)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 37
Yes...
If I’m honest with myself
I’m trying to prove I have control over alcohol while at the same time accepting I’m powerless
It is like
I want to feel I ended on a note of power
It’s all crazy lol and that is the nature of distorted thinking
Not helping matters
I have clinical, severe OCD so my issues are overlapping
If I’m honest with myself
I’m trying to prove I have control over alcohol while at the same time accepting I’m powerless
It is like
I want to feel I ended on a note of power
It’s all crazy lol and that is the nature of distorted thinking
Not helping matters
I have clinical, severe OCD so my issues are overlapping
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 37
Just venting my thoughts out here
But my situation is classic control vs acceptance
It’s like I’m trying to trick myself:
“If the last time I drink is controlled, I can quit with the knowledge I was in control, it ended in my control”
But that’s false, if I view my relationship with alcohol in its entirety, there is no true control
Even if I did end on a “controlled session” it doesn’t change the reality of the situation
Just venting my thoughts out in writing
Appreciate any and all feedback
Thanks all
But my situation is classic control vs acceptance
It’s like I’m trying to trick myself:
“If the last time I drink is controlled, I can quit with the knowledge I was in control, it ended in my control”
But that’s false, if I view my relationship with alcohol in its entirety, there is no true control
Even if I did end on a “controlled session” it doesn’t change the reality of the situation
Just venting my thoughts out in writing
Appreciate any and all feedback
Thanks all
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
This disease of alcoholism is relentless. I tried countless times to maintain control and it quickly becomes irrational. I'm glad that you are determined to stop drinking and live a sober life.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
My inner addict had an amazing capacity to keep me drinking.
I'd tell myself I would aim to drink normally, but what that meant was me drinking as much as I wanted and nothing bad happening.
If I did achieve the perfect outcome according to my skewed rules,. that was cause not to stop but to continue drinking, cos if I managed it once...
Its like mopping a floor with muddy water - you're just moving the dirt around.
The only way to get change, is change.
I know it's scary but there's support here - I hope you decide to go for it
D
I'd tell myself I would aim to drink normally, but what that meant was me drinking as much as I wanted and nothing bad happening.
If I did achieve the perfect outcome according to my skewed rules,. that was cause not to stop but to continue drinking, cos if I managed it once...
Its like mopping a floor with muddy water - you're just moving the dirt around.
The only way to get change, is change.
I know it's scary but there's support here - I hope you decide to go for it
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 322
I understand it's important to dissect why you are drinking. My last drinking session was not "perfect" as you put it. It felt like I was at the edge of a cliff hanging on.
There was no celebration, there was no goodbyes. I hate alcohol because bit has control over me, there is nothing perfect about it.
But end of the day you make a simple choice:
Drink
Or
You don't drink
It's all upto you.
A wise person in my family told me a while back "no Matter how much you drink, you will never drink it all, it will always win. (if you drink)"
There was no celebration, there was no goodbyes. I hate alcohol because bit has control over me, there is nothing perfect about it.
But end of the day you make a simple choice:
Drink
Or
You don't drink
It's all upto you.
A wise person in my family told me a while back "no Matter how much you drink, you will never drink it all, it will always win. (if you drink)"
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: east coast
Posts: 451
Originally Posted by columbus 
"I’m trying to feel some closure"
Drink until you black out, get in your car, crash it, end up in ER, be taken to lockup, lose job, lose everything...
That might work.
(in all seriousness, there is no "perfect" drinking episode, which it looks like you're beginning to see. Good luck in letting it go!)
Drink until you black out, get in your car, crash it, end up in ER, be taken to lockup, lose job, lose everything...
That might work.
(in all seriousness, there is no "perfect" drinking episode, which it looks like you're beginning to see. Good luck in letting it go!)
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
