Hopeful528

My never again lasted 20 days this time.
I’ve been relapsing since after Halloween and I have a plan but I’m not doing the right things bc it’s not working.
I feel so dark and sad and hopeless that it’s unbearable.

I had intense urges since Wednesday and got through them but gave in last night.

I hate this and I hate myself for continuing to do this.
My life is still here and I still have all of this stuff to do and I can’t function.
****. I’m so mad and so sad and so angry at myself.
I know how it makes me feel I know today but when usually when I’m pms or other strong emotions I feel so bad that I’m the moment I don’t care and want to shut it off and I lack the memory of how it can be 1000 times worse in that moment.
And now here I am again. I’m so tired of feeling this way and of repeatedly doing this to myself and I hurt so much

Hopeful528

I write letters to myself
I play the tape
I tell myself how it will feel
I can ride out most urges and try to prevent getting in trigger zones but when the extreme urges hit or when it’s an extreme emotion or event I don’t know how to get through it successfully bc I hit a point that I then in that moment feel as though I’m not strong enough and no tool helps bc my mind has switched
And then here I am at the bottom and absolutely destroyed again

Primativo

May I ask what you have been doing differently to change your life and habits as opposed to just deciding not to drink anymore? Are you exercising? Are you eating better? Are you rediscovering old hobbies which drinking made you neglect?

I'm on day 23 and a few things have helped me immensely so far and have meant i literally have no interestin drinking.

Going to the gym and exercising as much as possible. At least once every 2 or 3 days. I'm as unfit as they come and did zero exercise for 5 years but it's addictive, it helps you sleep better, it leads you to want to eat better, and it makes you feel good by realising serotonin. I started exercise only on about day 7 but its something positive to focus on. I've also started rediscovering my old loves / hobbies which passes time, I enjoy, are creative, and also distracts me from thinking about drinking.

I'm still finding my way and it's early days but all of the above have made me not miss drinking most of the time. Obviously if I think about never having a drink again that seems overwhelming so I just take it day by day.

ScottFromWI

Glad you came back Hopeful. It's hard to imagine right now but you have the ultimate say/choice/control when it comes to "urges". They are simply thoughts in your head and at the end of the day, you get to choose if you listen to them or not.

Perhaps a more immediate support group that you could call on right away when you feel this way might help? As you note, having a plan and following it are 2 different things. Because addiction never rests, and it always tests us...sometimes after 1 day, sometimes after 20, sometimes after a year.

Maybe joining a class thread here too might help? Giving yourself some accountability even if purely online can be very helpful.

Hopeful528

I will try your suggestions this time and thank you.

What I’ve been finding is that I need time after relapsing to be in a state of being able to workout. I usually am kind to my body and try and get extra rest and I go for walks but haven’t added anything intense.
This worked in the past before I began relapsing but maybe if I make myself it will help get past a month.

I’m currently going to school and enrolled before my relapse. It’s been terrible and I’m trying to get through it.
I don’t have a lot of time to do much other then school but it will be over after next month. It’s hell I can’t believe I did this again.

I do and have added new activities but again, I find when I give in and put myself back here, it takes me time to have any desire to do anything. It makes me clinically so low that I don’t have any interest in activities until around the time I feel better and sabotage it.

Hopeful528

Thank you.
Your right about a lot of things.
I was successful in going to AA but since my merry go round of constant relapses I haven’t been drawn to going the way I was in the past.
I know it helps me I just haven’t been in a good mental state and I haven’t been drawn to meetings. I don’t know why as I found it helpful and being around other successfully sober people helped me a lot.
I had a sponsor but with 30 days only and then drinking again etc etc I haven’t made it to the point to actually be working the program properly so I reach out to her and we talk but nothing is working right now.
I have an addictions counsellor and it has helped to see my thoughts and recognize it and I’ve learned so much.
I feel like I recognize and I’m not in denial but I don’t know how to remember all of this after a month goes by and ... I’m repeating.
I feel stuck and overwhelmed and like my strength is low

entropy1964

I can ride out most urges and try to prevent getting in trigger zones but when the extreme urges hit or when it’s an extreme emotion or event I don’t know how to get through it successfully

I'm sorry you relapsed. I'm assuming it was yesterday that you drank. Do you mind if I ask, what extreme event or emotion happened that you couldn't handle?

I have to smash any notion that drinking will ever be the solution to any situation. Feelings? Yes, I have them. But what are they? Happy, sad, depressed, on cloud nine? They are feelings. And they may not even be real. I mean, I'm in a good place today. But why? Nothing is any different than any other day. In the BB it talks about how our trust/faith in our HP allows us to match calamity with serenity. Now, I'm not able to completely trust my HP because, well, that's just me. But I do know that I have the ability to choose how I react to the world. I choose my response. Period. Truly, there are very few calamities that happen day to day. I mean, what even is a calamity? My husband dying? Yes, that was calamitous. Did drinking help? Hell no. So its all in how I respond. I can make spilling my coffee a calamity if I choose. I can allow all the little shlit that happens day to day become so overwhelming. Why? Because that thinking keeps me stuck in my addiction. My abstinence is not contingent on my mood or my feelings or shlit going on around me. Period. Accepting that and surrendering too it is the pathway to serenity.

Hopeful528

Thank you for that and I admire your strength and I’m sorry, it also made me stop and think of how stupid and insignificant of why I chose too.

I had extreme anxiety yesterday and in that moment I gave in. It was around 5pm yesterday evening.

It’s almost always a mood. Or a breakup. Something that is unexpected.

I felt like I had made it through bc I made it through the peak of my pms and cravings the day before. I had my period and felt calm and like I had made it through even though I had cravings they didn’t feel as peaked as the previous days.

A family member was having surgery and I had an assignment due but I don’t think it was either of those and more my moods. I wanted to shut off the awful feeling

Dee74

Hi Hopeful

I think it's really important to practice and perfect the skill of reaching out before you drink.

It may not feel very good to have to sit with those feelings, but the idea that you can't, and that your only option to give in, is simply not true

For me it was often the anticipatory fear of feeling that panicked me, rather than the actual feeling.

You can feel these feelings, and they will pass, and you can stay sober, with support.

Each time you do that it'll get a little easier

Do you see anyone about your anxiety at all?

D

Hopeful528

Thanks dee.

I do see someone, it felt like I had made progress if I can stay away from alcohol and everything else improves.

I know from my sobriety journey now that I get severe depression in the winter.
Also that I’ve been trying all kinds of
Natural aids and herbs and diets because I never realized I had severe pms until I quit smoking and drinking.
My anxiety is insane today too I’m trying to be hopeful but it just feels so self defeating and devastating that I’ve done this again.
And yes your right I need to be strong enough to just ride out and experience the feelings.

I feel like a science experiment continually touching the hot stove bc I know right now how it ruins my life and ruins me emotionally but then in the moment all rationality just wants to shut off the feeling.

When the feelings like the ones I did ride out, I was able to distract myself and keep busy or make different calming soothing teas, but the intense one I seem to switch in that moment. I need to just stay strong and fight like hell.

I’m hurting and I’m sad and scared and really disappointed in myself

entropy1964

I admire your strength

Believe me if strength is what is required to quit drinking I would still be drinking. There is no amount of strength large enough to 'beat' addiction. I do know that for a long time, what strength I had, was being used to fight recovery.

I actually had to give up. Surrender completely. Its one thing to accept I'm an addict. Its another to surrender. Drinking doesn't work and I had to quit fighting to make it work. I also had to let go and surrender to the world around me. I don't have to take on the burden of other people's problems and feelings. I can have compassion, be of service, but I don't have to take it all on. Take on what I can control (me) and let go of what I can't....in a compassionate way.

Don't beat yourself up. That is your addiction talking to you. Your higher self would not do that. Your addiction wants you to feel bad. That gives it the upper hand. Regret is one thing, shame is another. Refuse the shame and just do the next right thing. Hang in there.

Hopeful528

I know your right I’m struggling in this moment to not hate myself though.
It’s hard to be hopeful or trust myself when I keep doing the same thing.
I feel like I’m in hell.

ScottFromWI

All the more reason to stop doing the same thing then, right? Do something different - something meaningful. Do it today before your negative thoughts have a chance to grab even more of a foothold.

You mentioned you have a plan - what exactly is it? Maybe today you could make it your goal to figure out why it's not working. Try this - take out a blank sheet of paper and write "My plan to quit drinking" on the top of the page. Then write down the plan/steps/ideas you have been following. Or write it down as a post here - then you can get input from others who have been exactly where you are now as to how you might improve/add to it.

Feeling sorry for yourself or hating yourself will get you nowhere fast - take some actionable steps today and you will are surprised how far you can get.

Hopeful528

Thanks you just motivated me to call one of the aa contacts I have.
Im going to coffee and meeting at 7 even though I hate leaving the house until about day 3 I realize I need to surrender to my
Higher power and people around me who can carry me and help me because my way is not working.
My plan is to go to aa and lean on her until I’m strong enough and to never pick up a drink again and take it one day at a time.
I’m going to eat well take my dog for walks keep things as simple as possible, start exercise and continue with vitamins and herbal teas and call my aa contacts when I’m going through an urge.
I’m going to shut up and listen and not rely on my alcoholism thoughts. As well as having this site everyday.
Can you tell me if that is what a plan should be right now and what else I can do to keep it simple and follow it everyday
Thanks

Hopeful528

I’m going to make myself go to aa everyday even when I don’t want too or am too tired.
I’m going to call the woman I just reached out to everyday and when my thoughts are not right.
And I’m going to focus on today because that’s where I am and that’s what I need to take care of.

Hopeful528

When I start to feel better, when time has passed, and the acute memory is no longer as strong, what can I do and change so that I end this cycle?

Culture

I wrote everything down in a journal Hopeful, everything I felt, my self-loathing after my last drink, how I would never even get out of bed the day after a relapse. I wrote all my triggers down and I was prepared to do anything to be sober. Every morning before I got out of bed, I would read it and make a promise to just not drink for that day, this refreshed my thinking and effectively blocked that AV from taking over. Get on SR if you are even thinking about drinking, before that thought takes over. I remember one memorable occasion , I had my coat on ready to go out to get drink and I came on SR and they talked me out of it.
Also don't get complacent, that was always the thing that tripped me up when I had a few days, weeks of sobriety. That thinking I could control it you really do want to watch out for that. Accept you can not drink ever and repeat that daily.

Hopeful528

Thanks, that was very helpful.

I will use your suggestions.

Hopeful528

I feel so much better and hopeful after going to a meeting and having 48 hours away from using.

Gottalife

Hi Hopeful,
I am glad you are feeling better. From one of your earlier posts I picked up that you can last about 30 days on meetings alone. My limit was 21 days. Then the obsession returned.

When that happens, the last thing I was going to do was call anyone. It is fundamental to the AA experience that at certain times we will have no effective mental defence against the first drink, which means we will not call anyone. By the time the obsession comes back, it is too late.

My suggestion, don’t wait thirty days to start the steps. Get into them with a sponsor tomorrow, or today even. We take the steps to recover, not the other way around.

A passage from the big book, “ neither we nor any human power could provide such a defence. It had to come from a Higher Power” that is the purpose of the steps, to put you in direct contact with a Power greater than yourself that will solve your problem.

My experience wa that the moment I sincerely began seeking the higher power through the steps, the obsession was lifted.

The practice of calling others is very useful as a regular habit. It may help you avoid getting into a position where a drink is on the cards. It is what you do today that will keep you sober. If you call someone, work on a step, go to a meeting, try and help someone else, if you do that today, chances are you will be ok tomorrow.

If you want to wait until you neeeeeed to call, it will be too late. Chances are you won’t see the relapse coming. I never did, though I could always see how it happened in hindsight.