The time has finally come.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
The time has finally come.
Hello everyone. This is my first post. My screen name is "MythOfSisyphus" after the Camus book of the same name. Sisyphus is condemned by the gods for all eternity to roll an enormous rock up a hill everyday only to watch it roll back down again. That's a lot like my life has become.
I've drank heavily for years while attempting to minimize the consequences. My sole DUI came 20 years was plead out to reckless, avoiding any serious trouble. Thankfully, I did learn my lesson not to drink and drive, which I never have done since. Unfortunately instead of cutting down it just compelled me to drink at home. Of course, there are the other consequences, the things that could have been. If not for my drinking I probably wouldn't have gotten divorced 15 years ago. And odds are good that I'd have married my last girlfriend. Luckily for her she met a good guy that doesn't drink.
They say a drunk will usually drink as long as they can, until something forces them to the stop. You can't drink like I have for 20 years and not have an inkling that you've got a problem. I started to get the feeling a few years ago that the day would come when I'd have to "give it up." But the day never seemed to come. Things really went off the rails when my dad passed away just over a year ago. We were very close, and his loss really hit me hard. As he lay dieing of congestive heart failure in the hospital, I tearfully bent over him and whispered in his ear, "I'll make you proud of me, Dad."
But you know that's not what happened. Dad was a respected, beloved man. Didn't drink, quit smoking 30 years ago. Without his...presence for lack of a better word...all bets were off. I didn't want to disappoint my dad since his brother was an alcoholic, but with him gone it seems everything was allowed. Eventually I was drinking seven days a week, two or three bottles of wine every night. Sometimes an entire 3 L box. I thought I was pretty "high functioning"- after all, I keep a good job and went back to school, earning good grades. As if that's all that mattered. But here's what I lost- I couldn't be the responsible one anymore. You couldn't call me from the roadside to change a flat because if I'd been off for work more than 2 hours I was already drunk. Couldn't be there for my family because it cut into my drinking time.
At age 43 I decided I had to lose some weight, start working out and eating healthier. This is where my carefully constructed wall of lies and rationalization started to break down. There's no diet plan I know of that permits one to drink six 3 Liter boxes of wine every week!
My dad was overweight and diabetic with a host of other health issues. It was a miracle he survived into his late sixties. I would be him, only saddled with the massive burden of my out of control drinking. Like most of you, the thought of "giving up" my beloved alcohol had kept from from quitting. Oh, I'd stopped drinking in the past, sometimes for up to six months. But I never felt at the time that I was quitting forever, just taking a break.
Last night it hit me: I'm not "giving up" anything at all. I'm going die if I don't stop. Moderation is becoming impossible. Right now I don't get DTs, so I'm grateful at least of that. But the writing on the wall is now impossible to ignore. An open bottle an empty one and I've lost the ability to curb it. I'm out of time. Finally the burden is more than I can drag. I have to quit.
I'm not under the illusion it will be easy, but I don't have a choice. It would be great if I could drink a little but I can't. Hell, I might as well complain that I'm not taller or born to rich parents. It doesn't matter anymore if it's fair or not, it just is what it is.
But now I look forward to getting some things back that I used to have. Like the trust of my family. I look forward to being able to plan a backpacking trip without being limited to how much booze I can manage to carry. I can't wait to have a house that's not littered with empty wine bottles. It will great to wake up not feeling like I was run over by a bus, or wondering what I bought last nite/ emailed to an ex/ etc. And I'm a couple classes short of my Bachelor's degree; I can't carry this burden into the new life I'm trying to create.
I thank you all for having me here!
It's scary to "let go" and admit that my drinking doesn't work anymore. But for the first time in a lot of years I have hope!
I've drank heavily for years while attempting to minimize the consequences. My sole DUI came 20 years was plead out to reckless, avoiding any serious trouble. Thankfully, I did learn my lesson not to drink and drive, which I never have done since. Unfortunately instead of cutting down it just compelled me to drink at home. Of course, there are the other consequences, the things that could have been. If not for my drinking I probably wouldn't have gotten divorced 15 years ago. And odds are good that I'd have married my last girlfriend. Luckily for her she met a good guy that doesn't drink.
They say a drunk will usually drink as long as they can, until something forces them to the stop. You can't drink like I have for 20 years and not have an inkling that you've got a problem. I started to get the feeling a few years ago that the day would come when I'd have to "give it up." But the day never seemed to come. Things really went off the rails when my dad passed away just over a year ago. We were very close, and his loss really hit me hard. As he lay dieing of congestive heart failure in the hospital, I tearfully bent over him and whispered in his ear, "I'll make you proud of me, Dad."
But you know that's not what happened. Dad was a respected, beloved man. Didn't drink, quit smoking 30 years ago. Without his...presence for lack of a better word...all bets were off. I didn't want to disappoint my dad since his brother was an alcoholic, but with him gone it seems everything was allowed. Eventually I was drinking seven days a week, two or three bottles of wine every night. Sometimes an entire 3 L box. I thought I was pretty "high functioning"- after all, I keep a good job and went back to school, earning good grades. As if that's all that mattered. But here's what I lost- I couldn't be the responsible one anymore. You couldn't call me from the roadside to change a flat because if I'd been off for work more than 2 hours I was already drunk. Couldn't be there for my family because it cut into my drinking time.
At age 43 I decided I had to lose some weight, start working out and eating healthier. This is where my carefully constructed wall of lies and rationalization started to break down. There's no diet plan I know of that permits one to drink six 3 Liter boxes of wine every week!
My dad was overweight and diabetic with a host of other health issues. It was a miracle he survived into his late sixties. I would be him, only saddled with the massive burden of my out of control drinking. Like most of you, the thought of "giving up" my beloved alcohol had kept from from quitting. Oh, I'd stopped drinking in the past, sometimes for up to six months. But I never felt at the time that I was quitting forever, just taking a break.
Last night it hit me: I'm not "giving up" anything at all. I'm going die if I don't stop. Moderation is becoming impossible. Right now I don't get DTs, so I'm grateful at least of that. But the writing on the wall is now impossible to ignore. An open bottle an empty one and I've lost the ability to curb it. I'm out of time. Finally the burden is more than I can drag. I have to quit.
I'm not under the illusion it will be easy, but I don't have a choice. It would be great if I could drink a little but I can't. Hell, I might as well complain that I'm not taller or born to rich parents. It doesn't matter anymore if it's fair or not, it just is what it is.
But now I look forward to getting some things back that I used to have. Like the trust of my family. I look forward to being able to plan a backpacking trip without being limited to how much booze I can manage to carry. I can't wait to have a house that's not littered with empty wine bottles. It will great to wake up not feeling like I was run over by a bus, or wondering what I bought last nite/ emailed to an ex/ etc. And I'm a couple classes short of my Bachelor's degree; I can't carry this burden into the new life I'm trying to create.
I thank you all for having me here!
It's scary to "let go" and admit that my drinking doesn't work anymore. But for the first time in a lot of years I have hope!
Powerless over Alcohol
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Trudging the Road to Happy Destiny!
Posts: 4,018
Thank you so much for your thread and Welcome to SR 
I came to the conculsion at 39 that I had to leave my best friend drinking also.. I had become nothing but drunk 24hrs a day. I became unemployable, I was sick, and a shaking mess.
But the good stuff was just about to start. I picked up the phone and called the only person I knew that I used to drink with that was in AA. And that was the best phone call I ever made in my life..
You will find great support here. And for me AA saved my life from myself..
I came to the conculsion at 39 that I had to leave my best friend drinking also.. I had become nothing but drunk 24hrs a day. I became unemployable, I was sick, and a shaking mess.
But the good stuff was just about to start. I picked up the phone and called the only person I knew that I used to drink with that was in AA. And that was the best phone call I ever made in my life..
You will find great support here. And for me AA saved my life from myself..
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi MoS
I'm sure a lot of us can identify with your post - I certainly could.
And you're right - I lost nothing - not really...and I gained the world.
I rediscovered myself.
it's good you found us - welcome!
D
I'm sure a lot of us can identify with your post - I certainly could.
And you're right - I lost nothing - not really...and I gained the world.
I rediscovered myself.
it's good you found us - welcome!
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Thank you! A couple nights ago I found this site on Google. As I read the wonderful thread about things you don't miss after quitting the tears were rolling down my face. Someone understands! Just knowing this place is here gives me hope.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: maldives
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by MythOfSisyphus 
Thank you! A couple nights ago I found this site on Google. As I read the wonderful thread about things you don't miss after quitting the tears were rolling down me face. Someone understands! Just knowing this place is here gives me hope.
Not Alone
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: South East UK
Posts: 1,513
Welcome to SR MOS. I remember when I finally hit the notion that something had to be done. It's a liberating feeling. Congratulations on admitting you have a problem and wanting to do something about it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Wales UK
Posts: 859
You've got loads of time . See your Dr and see what they might offer.
There is enough written about how long the first bit goes on for then you've got to fill the time and gaps with what is a fantastic new life.
The important thing to know is if you drink again you will after a tentative" look I can drink one glass" be right back to your full amount. So my advice is .....don't!
You've already got plans ,backpacking etc and that's usefull, look at your finances too, that really does encourage.
Heres agood place for support but you might need others too.
Good luck.
John.
There is enough written about how long the first bit goes on for then you've got to fill the time and gaps with what is a fantastic new life.
The important thing to know is if you drink again you will after a tentative" look I can drink one glass" be right back to your full amount. So my advice is .....don't!
You've already got plans ,backpacking etc and that's usefull, look at your finances too, that really does encourage.
Heres agood place for support but you might need others too.
Good luck.
John.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,145
Welcome to SR and thank you for posting your story. It's good to have you here - the support here is fantastic.
You're right... there's no loss in giving up drinking. I haven't lost a single thing, even though I thought I would. I was terrified of giving up alcohol because I thought all the good things in life were made better with it and all the sad things were, too. I was totally wrong on both of those things. I have gained so much since quitting, it is unbelievable what has changed in my life and in my self. The beginning may be tough, or it may not be (it all depends on how you choose to view it, I think) but in a short while you will be feeling all the benefits of sobriety. I'm excited for you.
Stick around and read and post lots. You'll make some new friends here
All the best to you.
Oh, and please don't hesitate to see a doctor if you have withdrawal symptoms.
You're right... there's no loss in giving up drinking. I haven't lost a single thing, even though I thought I would. I was terrified of giving up alcohol because I thought all the good things in life were made better with it and all the sad things were, too. I was totally wrong on both of those things. I have gained so much since quitting, it is unbelievable what has changed in my life and in my self. The beginning may be tough, or it may not be (it all depends on how you choose to view it, I think) but in a short while you will be feeling all the benefits of sobriety. I'm excited for you.
Stick around and read and post lots. You'll make some new friends here
All the best to you.
Oh, and please don't hesitate to see a doctor if you have withdrawal symptoms.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
Welcome to SR, Sysiphus, glad you found us. Congratulations to you on your decision - you will find that this is one choice that you can make with zero downside. There is a lot of support here for you.
There was an almost euphoric sense of relief for me when that time came and I knew that I was done drinking, that I no longer had to do what alcoholics do. That pesky mountain of empty vodka bottles in the garage would cease to exist, and the shame, guilt, depression and anxiety left me too.
You aren't condemned to roll that rock up the hill any longer, you are free. You have that power within you, simply by your will, to be free.
There was an almost euphoric sense of relief for me when that time came and I knew that I was done drinking, that I no longer had to do what alcoholics do. That pesky mountain of empty vodka bottles in the garage would cease to exist, and the shame, guilt, depression and anxiety left me too.
You aren't condemned to roll that rock up the hill any longer, you are free. You have that power within you, simply by your will, to be free.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 28
Hi MoS, SR is great. I found it helpful to read around in the different forums (fora?), where I learned about various recovery methods and support groups (AA, AVRT, SMART) as well as the importance of nutrition, names of books and other stuff.
Your story reminds me of times I sat on my sofa in the evening with a large glass of wine in front of me, feeling like I was being forced to drink it, like it was medicine, rather than something I was doing for pleasure. It was weird. As FreshStart57 said, there is a real feeling of relief when you realise that you dont have to do that anymore!
Your story reminds me of times I sat on my sofa in the evening with a large glass of wine in front of me, feeling like I was being forced to drink it, like it was medicine, rather than something I was doing for pleasure. It was weird. As FreshStart57 said, there is a real feeling of relief when you realise that you dont have to do that anymore!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Indiana
Posts: 145
Hi MoS,
Welcome to SR! From what you wrote in your thread, it seems that we have a lot in common; my dad also died about a year ago, and my drinking kind of spiraled out of control since then. I had been drinking heavily, daily, for nearly 30 years. In late July, I had had enough, and found sobriety through SR and AA. Today is my SoberDay #65!
Talk to you later,
Johnny
Welcome to SR! From what you wrote in your thread, it seems that we have a lot in common; my dad also died about a year ago, and my drinking kind of spiraled out of control since then. I had been drinking heavily, daily, for nearly 30 years. In late July, I had had enough, and found sobriety through SR and AA. Today is my SoberDay #65!
Talk to you later,
Johnny
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Welcome to SR MythOfSisyphus
I can relate to a lot of your post. Apart from loving Camus, I also did a pretty good job at minimising the consequences of my drinking, and I also lost my dad, some time ago now, but it did create a 'all bets are off' kind of situation and I feel pretty lucky that I managed to scrape things back together.
I can only say that getting sober is worth every effort it takes. Things will only get better from here x
I can relate to a lot of your post. Apart from loving Camus, I also did a pretty good job at minimising the consequences of my drinking, and I also lost my dad, some time ago now, but it did create a 'all bets are off' kind of situation and I feel pretty lucky that I managed to scrape things back together.
I can only say that getting sober is worth every effort it takes. Things will only get better from here x
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
