Buckley3

Quick update on a few relevant things.

Good news. I scheduled my first appointment for outpatient treatment earlier this week - originally they weren't going to be able to get me in until mid-June. Apparently they had a cancellation so I'm starting this afternoon.

Couldn't come at a better time. I'm eager to get started. Also, Monday into Tuesday morning I was confronted by some less than spectacular issues/ feelings that I haven't experienced in a decent while. Didn't directly threaten my sobriety but I definitely think it's at the edges and something I need to deal with.

Got triggered by something at work - sent me into a spiral of self-pity, resentment, fear, etc. etc. A lot of the classic signs & things the Big Book talks about.

Ironically enough it comes as I grapple with step 3. Found myself on Monday wondering if I really need to question everything in my life through the lens of my sobriety and the work I'm starting to do. Still don't know the answer to that. Trying to keep myself open minded. Definitely feel some resistance to the idea...

So yea. probably good that I talk to someone. I haven't come this far to not finish the work. Though I have to admit I think about actually doing all the steps faithfully and, well, I dunno sometimes.

Need to stay focused on staying out of my head. Ironically (lots of irony around here these days) step 3 is deciding to turn my life over to a higher power's care. Dunno what a higher power is. Dunno if I can get over myself long enough to do it. Just trying to be honest. Interestingly I suspect the emotional rollercoaster I went on Monday and Tuesday could likely be much resolved if I'd just let go sometimes and have faith. I can get very tunnel vision'd at times. At the same time I'm not sure I'll be able to resolve some of the philosophical conflicts in me about my place as an individual vs. a higher power. I'm a philosophical person. It's a journey and a topic I've spent a lot of time thinking about and learning about. I'm hoping it doesn't really matter - that there's some way to acknowledge a higher power without having to turn into a self-flagellating self-hating apologist. I mean, the ego can't be all bad can it?

Anywho. Still kickin it. I'm somewhere in the 70s - low 80s daywise. I'll count later. Finding I'm actually looking forward to the 90 day milestone.

Hope all are well.

Best,

B

lessgravity

Great to hear man. Keep it up and check in when you can. Lots on your plate, and I'm certain it would not be moving forward if you were still drinking.

Congrats.

Dee74

Hi Buckley

someone here made a great point if we can believe there was a power we could not resist in regards to drinking, it's not that far a step to envisage a power greater than us to stay sober

D

Delilah1

I'm so glad you got in Buckley, maybe that higher power knew you needed that program right now.❤️

Buckley3

That is a good point.

Yea, I keep thinking about the day shortly after I hit bottom that the thought occured to me: "Who am I to think I can understand the nature of God or a higher power or whatever you call it?"

Sounds pretty ridiculously egotistic when I write it, but then, such is the nature of alcoholism. You helped me redirect my thinking about it to realizing a big part of it is just keeping myself humble and remembering that I'm not - in fact - the center of the universe.

In other news... had my appointment with outpatient. Got in early due to a cancellation so I won't be going back until June 13th - barring another cancellation. But then it's going to be weekly for some time. She was quick to uncover that there's more going on inside my noggin than just alcohol abuse. We're going to go to work on some of that.

It's all very humbling. Confronting what's in the shadows of the mind isn't for the faint of heart methinks. I guess the good news is I'm noticeably more aware of voices in me that are driven by fear and self-centered-ness than ever before. I gotta hope that being aware is half the battle.

I also noticed the other day more black and white thinking. This time regarding some opportunities for doing some consulting work. It's going to get to a point where - for some period of time after my conviction for OWI - I'm not going to be able to make it work and will have to hang that up for a period. For now it's just a bit inconvenient - but not unworkable. I found myself feeling overwhelmed at the idea of making it work without being able to rent a car or with limitations on what and how long I can commit to things to clients. That overwhelmed feeling drove me into thinking in this or that terms. When really, it's as simple as just scheduling the gigs, managing what I can and if it turns out to not be doable just back out.

So I did. I followed up today with 4 clients. One responded right away. So I'm going to hit the road again in a couple of weeks and try to get some gigs done before the shoe drops in a couple/few months. The extra money will help... and the visibility and experience will definitely help for when I get the confinement piece of this mess behind me and get really get back after it. It's my ultimate hope, ambition & dream so I'm going to work it as much as I can.

But yea, the self-pity spell, the black and white thinking, etc.etc. It's all reminded me that many of the root issues are still very much there. Have to keep dealing with this. Have to keep an open mind and keep reminding myself that if it feels like it did yesterday I probably am not doing what I need to do to change. It's so damned easy to rationalize stuff away, to bs myself into excuses to turn away from things. I can't afford to do that. I want a decent, sober life.

Tired. Think I'll go to bed and watch some funny YouTube vids.

-B

Buckley3

Hey yea - I definitely had the word Serendipity going through my head. There's been a lot of that kind of thing happening lately. If I could just get my stubborn butt to let go sometimes I think I'd find life would be a lot easier to deal with and accept.

B

Delilah1

I've been so inspired by your posts, it is crazy how things sometimes seem to "just happen,". I hope you're having a great Fridaybso far Buckley!

tomsteve

Buckley, something to think about on step 3 and Dunno what a higher power is.
something from the BB i hope can help ya simplify it:
We needed to ask ourselves but one short question. "Do I now believe, or am I even willing to believe, that there is a Power greater than myself?" As soon as a man can say that he does believe, or is willing to believe, we emphatically assure him that he is on his way. It has been repeatedly proven among us that upon this simple cornerstone a wonderfully effective spiritual structure can be built.
That was great news to us, for we had assumed we could not make use of spiritual principles unless we accepted many things on faith which seemed difficult to believe.
__________________________________________________ __________________________________

step 3 is all about faith- having faith that there is a power greater than us that can help us.
then the rubber hits the road. many people have sat on step 3 waiting to see results. many have ended up drunk without moving forward in the steps.
there is action, meaning getting into step 4.
seeing and feeling a HP in our life comes as we work the steps.

tekink

Keep in mind the PAWS part of withdrawal amplifies the self pity, and fears and all that up to 11. After 90 days that was hitting me hard. Knowing that I was extra sensitive to all this and my mind was messing with me helped me keep things in perspective.

As for a higher power, to me any science minded person clearly understands we have no power to stop the earth from spinning or making circles around the sun. There are paths the universe has put us on which we simply cannot change.

Buckley3

All of you rock.

Thanks for the kind words Delilah. Yes. Today is going pretty darned good.

@TomSteve and @tekink -

Yea, awesome points of view. I can tell you get where I'm at/ coming from. The short thought about your words is yes... I'm willing and yes, there's definitely something bigger than me in the universe.

I rejected formal religion a long time ago. But I've never denied that we are spiritual beings. I'll be darned if I'm confident in much more than that.

I want to get a sponsor soon to undergo the next steps. Don't think it wise for me to freelance it. Stay tuned.

In other news...

I am now 95% done what I can do on the house. I had a massive load of junk hauled out and cleaned it top to bottom - like, vacuumed the ceilings and walls to on my hands and knees with some good old Lysol handscrubbing the tile and hardwoods.

I made an appointment with a realtor and met her around noon. Just finished signing the listing contract. The sign will be in the yard tonight and she's actually got someone to show it to tonight. She seems to think it will move quickly and I'm extremely happy with the price point. She gave me a great price to move it quickly "as is" which are music to my ears type words. The less I have to mess with it from this point the better.

I'm home early enough now to enjoy the rest of the weekend. I'm grateful for it. Today is the end of week 12. I haven't really been counting - more just kind of guestimating. But I checked and yea it's 12. So, tomorrow is day 84. 6 days to 90!

So much progress in such a short time - my head spins occasionally. I guess it's like that line in the old Zeppelin tune "When the Levee Breaks:" "When the levee breaks, momma you got to move." Just call me momma.

Best-

B

Delilah1

Sounds like you have definitely earned your weekend! Keep us posted on the house, I hope it sells quickly, and that you get a good price.

tekink

Yup, good luck selling the house. I might have a major change in the works as well. I almost don't want to talk about it in fears of spoiling it but I'm not really superstitious.

I was a professional alcoholic. I own a bar, and it looks like we're selling the bar!

It's been a really hard thing for me to deal with as I'm surrounded by alcohol. It was really fun when I was in active addiction, now not so much.

Fingers crossed.