CNNlive

Hi—
I’m a thirty year old female, who, after a decade of bad relationships, successful careers, some profound self-discovery, and some happy moments mostly sober, I am currently completely addicted to alcohol and watching what should be a very bright, happy life, fading.

I was introduced to Adderall via an awful ex-bf (also a cop), and became addicted to the drug—I’ve always struggled with energy, do not have ADD, but do have general fatigue syndrome. So Adderall was wonderful—at first. I started small; less than 10 mg a day, then over the course of almost two years have worked my way up to 60 and sometimes 90 mg/day. My doc knows and doesn’t seem concerned, however I haven’t been very upfront about my drinking.

I had a very traumatic break-up, had to sue my previous employers for sexual harassment, became homeless, and just became stuck. Then I felt sick one day last summer. It was like dehydration (I didn’t drink heavily then) and vertigo that wouldn’t go away regardless of hydrating and eating well. I got into very heavy drinking 1-2 bottles of wine a day or half a bottle of vodka or whiskey last fall when I found that drinking made the vertigo and malaise subside somewhat. I did several blood tests, can’t pinpoint the root of my sickness, but am now dependent on alcohol to avoid feeling ill (and now to also ease my boredom/escape the hell of my life). I hate the way I feel the next day, so drink to make that feeling go away (dumb), and am recently becoming a very angry drunk—saying/texting horrifying and false things to people.

I haven’t had anything to drink today, want to keep it that way—I’d like to think that I could moderate my drinking but also know I lack control so think I should just quit it altogether. But...how? And do I also need to stop my Adderall usage? Being tired makes me depressed so I’d rather not, but also don’t know if the meds is the reason i initially felt the need to start drinking heavily.

Any insight would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

biminiblue

Well, this is what we do, right? One pill makes you larger and one pill makes you small.

I had to stop putting things in my mouth to change the way I feel and return myself to the original packaging.

Everything works better with nothing added.

CNNlive

Funny you just wrote that...

I decided to take my dog for an extra long walk after submitting that. Got to thinking about addictions in general.

The alcohol replaced the men who replaced the shopping that replaced the blah blah blah. So I was wondering what folks do to then replace the alcohol? Doesn’t have to be substance—even gardening to an extreme could be hazardous to ones health.

Unfortunately, I feel I’m fairly self-aware, so I am clued into the fact that I’m lacking something within, yet I think being hyper self-aware is also some addiction; or rather, distraction. So it all seems like a perpetual pattern of addictions and distractions to get through life.

MindfulMan

Meetings.

Exercise.

Diet.

Weight loss.

Muscle gain.

Meditation.

Yoga.

Journaling.

Creative outlets.

And get some intensive psychotherapy with a really insistent and honest shrink who can help you figure out what's "missing" and work with you to fix it.

AnvilheadII

sounds like the MORE monsters......always wanting (not needing)more and more to try and fill the imaginary hole. what happens in we get hooked on the MORE and come to believe there really is some hole inside us to fill.

yet no amount of drugs, or booze, or shiny harleys, or large bank accounts, louis vitton purses, custom silk suits or audis will ever fill the space inside us.

what we "need" to fill us up exists and we only have to open our eyes to SEE it. the world around us. the exquisite colors of a sunrise, the bushes that just today popped out their blooms that were not there yesterday, the person dancing in the car next to you at the red light. a bulldog smile, a cat's purr, a bird's tweet.

AtomicBlue

I heard a speaker at a meeting describe how his drinking went downhill super fast when he combined it with Adderall. He's off both now, but I don't know if he quit both at once or what the order was. I can tell you eventually after quitting drinking my energy levels are generally MUCH higher now. The others are right about things to replace alcohol. That's something I worried about too but came to realize it was unfounded. I'd say give sobriety a chance and find out. Can't hurt right?

CNNlive

I agree with the above. However, anything pleasurable (probably not the right word) that doesn’t stir the ego—is arguably, very tough to fill the entirety of the day with. Exercise and all the other truly wonderful things mentioned in the above list are just that—wonderful and healthy, until they are done for some sort of outward approval. Which is kinda just our human condition anymore. I don’t think it’s possible to be unaddicted as a human. There are lesser of evils, but I feel stimuli for some rush or jolt or push to keep going forward, is unavoidable. Just call me Debbie downer, I guess. No wonder I chose alcohol...haha (hope dark humor is appreciated). But thank you, all, for the very accurate and encouraging words. I still hate booze (because I lack self control), and really hope I can make tomorrow and the rest of my days alcohol-free, just voicing my internal dialogue and questions which sometimes make what I hope will be my recovery seem unreachable.

CNNlive

yesssssssss!!!!! 🤞🏻🙏🏻♥️

CNNlive

And, quite right. I’ve had moments where I have been fortunate to be creative (anything and everything!) and I’m truly happy. But the reality of being jobless/physically and mentally drained/irritable/broke inevitably creep in and stifle any peace obtained during a creative process. I guess this is where baby steps come into play...thank you for the suggestions. I’m actually fond of all of them, and just need this kind of encouragement to stick with them.

AtomicBlue

I tend to look at everything as addictions these days. Smart phones, sugar, you name it. I think I'm biased though. I have an obsessive nature and think that led me to addiction. It can cause me problems in many areas. However, believe it or not I now find times to relax and enjoy the present without needing stimuli. Hard to believe.

CNNlive

I am the EXACT same way. That is, then, great to hear—that you can now just.be.still....sigh. I did make it through today, likely will tomorrow, too. It’s those other days, when the woohooimdoingit! self-pep-talk wear off. Oof! And I also realized dating should probably be out of the picture. Which has always been hard for me to turn down, as it’s another form of entertainment or a distraction. But there’s the urge to drink to feel sexier/funnier yadayadayada. I’m sure people here agree?

Dee74

Welcome

sure but its a false urge.

I wasn't any of those things the way I drank - I was either obnoxious, embarrassing or passed out in a corner.

D

CNNlive

I am—at first—but I pass my limit, which I never know where that is, and I do the weirdest, meanest, most cringe-worthy things that I then spend the next few days beating myself up over...it’s never good. That’s why I asked if folks agree dating is a bad idea. I’m not the party girl or bar type, so not an issue, but dinners and drinks at homes is just not good, I’m thinking. Which, luckily, in my case, the last person I recently started dating, I ended up sending a string of ranting texts basically telling him how awful he is and why I can’t see him (all because he had to leave dinner earlier than I wanted—essentially before I finished my whiskey on the rocks—to finish up some work. Yeah—I’m sexy then sloppy in a flash. Yikes!

Dee74

I often say that had I started seeing someone when I quit drinking I would have been inflicting myself on them.

A little alone time really helped me to focus on my recovery & sort out who I wanted to be

D

CNNlive

I think I should also take that route...nice guy, too. Just past traumas+booze+me=one hot mess. Besides, I lost myself a long long time ago and need to go back and figure out what hole I pushed myself in. Thank you 🙏🏻

Day 1:success