trying to help my husband with his alcohol dependancy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 3
trying to help my husband with his alcohol dependancy
hi everyone. im trying to support my husband in his recovery from alcohol misuse, can anyone suggest a safe way/ amount to reduce by to come off alcohol? he has tried before but the withdrawal symptoms have kicked him back into the cycle 
sorry if this isn't the right place to ask, I signed up today with the hope of getting some advice. we have been to have him accessed and he is classed as dependant, we went to one meeting and they weren't very helpful and he doesn't feel confident going to sessions. im hoping with the right information, I can help him recover. please help. again sorry if this isn't the right place to ask im just getting desperate for advice.
sorry if this isn't the right place to ask, I signed up today with the hope of getting some advice. we have been to have him accessed and he is classed as dependant, we went to one meeting and they weren't very helpful and he doesn't feel confident going to sessions. im hoping with the right information, I can help him recover. please help. again sorry if this isn't the right place to ask im just getting desperate for advice.
I'm afraid I personally don't have the answers other than to suggest rehab? I'm sure someone will be along soon with more advice than I can give. 
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome to SR DaniC. If he has a history of physical dependance and/or serious withdrawal symptoms he really needs to see a medical doctor for help. That's really the only safe way to to go about it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 3
thank you everyone, he has been to the doctors who referred him to the local drug and alcohol service, who messed him about with appointments (cancelling several and not getting back to him for months) we have lost faith in the local services and can not afford private help were rerally stuck at what to do, he knows he wants to quite/cut down but doesn't know how to do it safely.
were rerally stuck at what to do, he knows he wants to quite/cut down but doesn't know how to do it safely.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I agree that a medical detox sounds necessary. Go to an Urgent Care or emergency or your family doctor and tell them you need medical detox.
I know you want to help, but he has to want this. You can worry and try to do it for him, but it will only tie you in knots - and it's his journey.
Maybe take a read around the forum for Friends and Family of Alcoholics - they know what you're going through and will support you.
link:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics
I know you want to help, but he has to want this. You can worry and try to do it for him, but it will only tie you in knots - and it's his journey.
Maybe take a read around the forum for Friends and Family of Alcoholics - they know what you're going through and will support you.
link:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by DaniC88 
, he knows he wants to quite/cut down but doesn't know how to do it safely.
the idea still in his head to "cut down" thats a red flag.
its either all or nothing- he either wants to stop and is willing to go to any lengths or he isnt ready.
if hes willing to go to any lengths, he will reach out to every possible resource available and use it.
he doesnt have to be confident in sessions, but will do them anyways IF he truly wants to stop.
he can also look into AA meetings to attend.
there are other recovery program/plans,too.
ANY length for victory over alcohol.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
He is very lucky to have you. I hope he knows that. You have two problems to solve, and the first may be the easiest. He has to stop drinking and get through the withdrawals. Medical advice probably should be sought on this. Not many have succeeded with tapering, though the early AAs sometimes administered small amounts of alcohol to ease withdrawals when hospitalisation was not available. A majority get through withdrawal without any major problems. It is uncomfortable, even unpleasant, but most don’t go into the dts. There is no way round it.
The second problem may be much more challenging. That is the matter of staying stopped. Many of us had tremendous difficulty with this. What is necessary will depend on the extent to which your husband has already lost the power to choose whether he will drink or not. It is possible to run into problems with alcohol and yet not be alcoholic. Such folk seem to be in a majority among problem drinkers, and usually stop by way of a simple decision.
But there is also a smaller group. Alcoholics of my type, who find this impossible. We usually need a well structured long term program of recovery. I have joined a few million others in utilizing the AA program successfully for many years.
You would also get some benefit from the friends and family section on this site. There you can learn how to take care of yourself regardless of what happens with your husband. Sadly, alcoholics are not always honest with the people that try to help them. That can bring a great deal of frustration and disappointment. It is handy to know how to spot when an alcoholic is trying to pull the wool over your eyes.
The second problem may be much more challenging. That is the matter of staying stopped. Many of us had tremendous difficulty with this. What is necessary will depend on the extent to which your husband has already lost the power to choose whether he will drink or not. It is possible to run into problems with alcohol and yet not be alcoholic. Such folk seem to be in a majority among problem drinkers, and usually stop by way of a simple decision.
But there is also a smaller group. Alcoholics of my type, who find this impossible. We usually need a well structured long term program of recovery. I have joined a few million others in utilizing the AA program successfully for many years.
You would also get some benefit from the friends and family section on this site. There you can learn how to take care of yourself regardless of what happens with your husband. Sadly, alcoholics are not always honest with the people that try to help them. That can bring a great deal of frustration and disappointment. It is handy to know how to spot when an alcoholic is trying to pull the wool over your eyes.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by DaniC88
knows he wants to quite/cut down but doesn't know how to do it safely.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 3
He would like to be able to drink just on social occasions and does not want to become 100% sober as he wants to be able to celebrate with friends for momentous occasions.
We have tried all the local services in our area of Kingston upon hull ( East Yorkshire, UK) and they have failed him.
Can anyone help us with a plan of what is a safe amount to reduce by so that his body doesn't go into shock. We tried cold turkey before and it broke him with the pains etc.
He's going to try cutting down his days or drinking through the week but he gets yo a point where the withdrawal are so bad that he feels he needs to drink yo stop the pains.
We have tried all the local services in our area of Kingston upon hull ( East Yorkshire, UK) and they have failed him.
Can anyone help us with a plan of what is a safe amount to reduce by so that his body doesn't go into shock. We tried cold turkey before and it broke him with the pains etc.
He's going to try cutting down his days or drinking through the week but he gets yo a point where the withdrawal are so bad that he feels he needs to drink yo stop the pains.
Originally Posted by tomsteve
glad youre here,dani.
the idea still in his head to "cut down" thats a red flag.
its either all or nothing- he either wants to stop and is willing to go to any lengths or he isnt ready.
if hes willing to go to any lengths, he will reach out to every possible resource available and use it.
he doesnt have to be confident in sessions, but will do them anyways IF he truly wants to stop.
he can also look into AA meetings to attend.
there are other recovery program/plans,too.
ANY length for victory over alcohol.
the idea still in his head to "cut down" thats a red flag.
its either all or nothing- he either wants to stop and is willing to go to any lengths or he isnt ready.
if hes willing to go to any lengths, he will reach out to every possible resource available and use it.
he doesnt have to be confident in sessions, but will do them anyways IF he truly wants to stop.
he can also look into AA meetings to attend.
there are other recovery program/plans,too.
ANY length for victory over alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by DaniC88
He would like to be able to drink just on social occasions and does not want to become 100% sober as he wants to be able to celebrate with friends for momentous occasions.
We have tried all the local services in our area of Kingston upon hull ( East Yorkshire, UK) and they have failed him.
Can anyone help us with a plan of what is a safe amount to reduce by so that his body doesn't go into shock. We tried cold turkey before and it broke him with the pains etc.
He's going to try cutting down his days or drinking through the week but he gets yo a point where the withdrawal are so bad that he feels he needs to drink yo stop the pains.
We have tried all the local services in our area of Kingston upon hull ( East Yorkshire, UK) and they have failed him.
Can anyone help us with a plan of what is a safe amount to reduce by so that his body doesn't go into shock. We tried cold turkey before and it broke him with the pains etc.
He's going to try cutting down his days or drinking through the week but he gets yo a point where the withdrawal are so bad that he feels he needs to drink yo stop the pains.
Your local hospital WILL help you. He's not going to be able to cut down - that was an old way in the UK, but it doesn't work. Tapering is impossible to monitor at home.
He won't be able to drink, "socially." he keeps trying that and it doesn't work, right? Please get to a hospital.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
If it's so bad that it's 'painful' to stop, I'd be wondering why he'd even want to continue drinking at all. Once you get to the point he's at moderation or 'cutting back' do not work. I'm over 15 months without a drink and celebrate with friends all the time without drinking, because I can no longer drink 'normally'.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
On the front page of SoberRecovery are several articles about detox:
Link:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/addict...eatment/detox/
Link:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/addict...eatment/detox/
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Dani, I think both you and your husband would do well to learn as much as you can about what you're dealing with here. If he is as dependent as you describe he will never be able to return to "special occasion" drinking no matter how you handle this particular detox (which should absolutely be done with medical supervision).
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by DaniC88
Can anyone help us with a plan of what is a safe amount to reduce by so that his body doesn't go into shock. We tried cold turkey before and it broke him with the pains etc.
I understand you are seeking to help your husband, but you are doing him no favors by trying to solicit medical advice on the internet. He needs to see a medical professional or a detox center. Withdrawals generally get worse and worse each time, so it's important to have him in a supervised situation in case something goes wrong - possibly even worse than what he's experienced in the past.
Regarding your first statement, the "dream" of every alcoholic is to just cut back and be able to drink on special occasions. It's not possible though, 100% abstinence is the only possible solution.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Lakeside, Arizona
Posts: 1,138
Originally Posted by DontRemember
If it's so bad that it's 'painful' to stop, I'd be wondering why he'd even want to continue drinking at all. Once you get to the point he's at moderation or 'cutting back' do not work. I'm over 15 months without a drink and celebrate with friends all the time without drinking, because I can no longer drink 'normally'.
I hit 15 months 5 days ago and I'm finally starting to feel normal for the first time.
This is a long ride.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 634
Hi
I'm also in the UK. I was referred to an alcohol support service via my GP which was really good, but I think they are just Midlands-based. Is it worth trying again with your GP for a referral?
My alcohol counsellor actually did not recommend I quit. I essentially did taper down but it was all based on what I wanted to do. I initially wanted to just cut down but over time I realised (with the guidance of my coubsellor) that I needed to quit. Again my idea to quit was only for a few months, then I realised quitting for good was the best option otherwise I'd end up back where I was drinking a bottle of wine every night, and probably way more over time.
I think recovery can stop from a initial feeling of wanting to cut down, but it will depend on circumstances. I'm just about 8 months sober after my initial counselling this time last year. It took time, reflection and a lot of hard work on my part.
I'm also in the UK. I was referred to an alcohol support service via my GP which was really good, but I think they are just Midlands-based. Is it worth trying again with your GP for a referral?
My alcohol counsellor actually did not recommend I quit. I essentially did taper down but it was all based on what I wanted to do. I initially wanted to just cut down but over time I realised (with the guidance of my coubsellor) that I needed to quit. Again my idea to quit was only for a few months, then I realised quitting for good was the best option otherwise I'd end up back where I was drinking a bottle of wine every night, and probably way more over time.
I think recovery can stop from a initial feeling of wanting to cut down, but it will depend on circumstances. I'm just about 8 months sober after my initial counselling this time last year. It took time, reflection and a lot of hard work on my part.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 446
Dani, welcome to SR! Like others have already said, the main thing for your husband is that he has crossed the line (probably years ago) and that there is no way back to ‘occasional drinking with friends’. We have all tried it and we have failed, if you read the archives here you will find hundreds of posts to that effect.
This will probably take some time to sink in and there will be a lot of bargaining, but hopefully your husband will finally conclude that he has to quit for good. Then it will be time to seek medical help to safely detox. After that, he should use this board and AA and whatever helps him to stay quit. Good luck, we are here for you guys!
This will probably take some time to sink in and there will be a lot of bargaining, but hopefully your husband will finally conclude that he has to quit for good. Then it will be time to seek medical help to safely detox. After that, he should use this board and AA and whatever helps him to stay quit. Good luck, we are here for you guys!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
I would check out the family and friends section here on this forum. There is nothing you can do to help him stop, it all comes down to him wanting to quit, and willing to do anything to make sure that happens.
It sounds like he's just making excuses to keep drinking. I would look into alanon as well.
It sounds like he's just making excuses to keep drinking. I would look into alanon as well.
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