AnvilheadII

Needless to say- at 3am I was stuck at the airport because he wasn't there and his phone was off. I took a $100 Lyft ride to my apartment and crawled inside through the window to find my apartment had been used for cigarette and drug smoking festivities. There were my clothes and shoes worn and strewn across my apartment with long red hairs on them (my hair is brown). I was broken.

curious why this is not the point where you are absolutely DONE with this man? the minute you were out of the car and out of town, he dove into a drug fueled hard partying three day party WITH another woman IN your home. and then stashed YOUR car somewhere (which should be considered theft) and totally bailed on you. sorry, but that is not "just" the drugs...........

MissPerfumado

You sound like an amazing, intelligent woman, with a bright future.

I know what it's like to believe you love someone so much you would do anything for them. I know what it's like also to ignore the truth and tell yourself that things are perfect when they so clearly are not. You are both living with a sickness that has not healed. Any perfection is illusory - you are living a lie even when things seem fine.

Your "love" is enabling him and damaging your own life. I'm so sorry to say this but this is not a healthy love. Giving true love and compassion in this situation means tenderly wishing him the best and stepping away. (And I would include in this not getting involved any more with informing his parole officer, not trying to find out where he is, etc.)

Realise it is not your heart that is stubborn here, it is your ego. Your ego is insisting it can do the job, it can love enough, with enough effort, perseverance, determination, patience etc., it will win. Your heart is actually in pieces already from the pain of being betrayed and used over and over again.

Make peace with the side of you that is insisting it can be his saviour. Make peace with the pain of saying goodbye to him. You cannot save him. Your love cannot save him. Protect Meghan so that Meghan can go on and live a productive fulfilling life and make a difference for many others from a future position of strength and wisdom. That is your job here.

Meghan19

See, during our last time apart I did work on myself. Was seeing a therapist and came to the very important conclusion that I cant change or control someone. This was always my biggest personal issue - that I work on daily but it was a very liberating feeling to realize this. This is one of the things that made the last 5 months so great was that I never tried to control his decisions- he made good decisions on his own for the 5 months until his family disowned him for refusing to babysit his 20 year old little sister in our 1 bedroom apartment. This stress and guilt, unfortunately, triggered his relapse.

While he has put me through BS. our good times have always outweighed the bad which is why it took me until the past 6 months to realize that it isn't changing. That if he is going to get better he needs to take the effort and journey alone.

I would never wish him to be hit by a truck! That is a lot of anger. I live a life of forgiveness, sometimes it's a curse, but mostly I am grateful for my ability to forgive those. Especially those that I love that are suffering.

DontRemember

Some great advice in here! You must walk away from this guy and all of his crap. Any breakup sucks whether it's with an addict/cheater/crazy/it's not you it's me/ect.. They just suck and it takes time, self reflection and working on yourself to get past it. I still care for my exAgf and hope she's happy in her life,but even that slight feeling is starting to fade and I'm ok with that. My exAw of 7'ish years never even crosses my mind anymore and she's the mother of my 22yr old daughter. This guy is TROUBLE! Hell he's been locked up like half of your relationship. I don't say this to sound mean,but you are nothing more than commissary money while he's inside, a roof over his head and address for his PO,car service and ATM on the outside. He is using you.

Meghan19

This is so insightful, and is spot on to my decision to send him a note about how I will always love him from a distance. It was a more elaborate note than that but thays the big story. I am not able to help him and if he wants to get better he needs to do it on his own when he REALLY wants it.

Thank you for your kind words. Truly

AnvilheadII

This stress and guilt, unfortunately, triggered his relapse.

sorry but nope...........he did drugs again because he wanted to. if we went with your theory, then he is actually not responsible for his actions. HE IS.

how many thousands of dollars has he cost you so far?

Meghan19

I am done with him I just need the words of wisdom of some strangers to help me believe it is the right choice.

Meghan19

Of course he is responsible! I am not saying this is his excuse, just that it caused him stress that he was not ready to face (clearly). I know that he had other ways he could have handled this stress, not saying it wasn't his decision at the end of the day.

Meghan19

Valid points from the outside however - didn't give him com money, he has only lived with me for 6 months (before that was with parents), he just changed his address to mine with his PO a month ago, I dont give him money (he stole money from me 2.5 years ago but has paid for his own things since then and has always paid bills when he is working), and I never drove him anywhere I wasn't also going. He walked and scooted to his jobs. Except when he stole my car in the night- that was a behavior that was SUPER ******.

Dee74

Hi Meghan
for what its worth there's been some great advice here.
I know it must hurt but I do genuinely think you're doing the right thing.

Sounds to me like you deserve a lot better.

welcome to SR

tomsteve

I am done with him I just need the words of wisdom of some strangers to help me believe it is the right choice.
i dont think ya need the words from strangers. i think your own words should be enough:
-he went to prison,came out, and right back at it.
-then went back to prison for probation violation.
-another case,found guilty, gets polluted.
- he was at his parents house and working.that didnt last long
-He has stolen thousands of dollars from me
-and destroyed a rental car of mine,
-leaving me a 1200 bill
- has stolen from our loved ones
- all around has had his share of destroying everyone and everything in his path in order to feed his addiction.
-However the next day I found out he slipped and had done drugs again
-was allegedly sleeping around with one of his drug friends.
- at 3am I was stuck at the airport because he wasn't there
-I took a $100 Lyft ride to my apartment
- and crawled inside through the window
-to find my apartment had been used for cigarette and drug smoking festivities.
-There were my clothes and shoes worn and strewn across my apartment
- The addiction has ruined my life

print that out,carry it with you and put it where you can read it often.

suki44883

I agree with tomsteve. Print several copies of that. Tape one to your bathroom mirror; tape one to the dashboard of your car; tape one in every room of your house; keep one with you at all times.

No question...you are doing the right thing by getting far, far away from him for good.

icewater1961

Breaks my heart that this is happening to you but as said above you need to move on, You sound very sweet and and intelligent, compassionate. You do deserve better. By the way did you say that his family disowned him because his sister could not move into your one bedroom apartment? Something wrong with his family, too. I had to spend mandatory jail time for DUIs. I was not in a relationship then but there were people there that had been in and out and in and out and they were young, some were still married and many had kids. As soon as they got out they went back to using. And some of them were intelligent and charming. They just couldn't quit. Some said they could not wait to be shooting up again,'And there was one that was a bit older whose HUSBAND had called the cops when she was high. She got 8 months.

Berrybean

And ya know - while he's choosing it, THIS IS the real person.

Often we think our heart is the problem, when actually it's just an 'acceptance' problem. Or a 'howling for the moon' problem.

When he was rationalizing his drug use with the fact his parents hoped he might help his sister out (perhaps as they'd helped him out plenty of times in the past) he could've dealt with it plenty of ways. But if our drug of choice remains our favoured solution to the problem of us feeling bad, rather than working all the harder on our recovery, then we end up relapsing. And then it's even harder to get back clean. Tomsteve is right.
Relapse is not part of recovery.
Relapse is not part of recovery.
Relapse is not part of recovery.
It more likely to be a part of there not being enough recovery work being done. But, noone can do the recovery work for this young man other than him. Not you, or his parents, or his probation officer. It can only be done by HIM.

And your job now? Well, it sounds like that would be focusing on your own recovery. From what some might describe as a codependent relationship where you hoped that by loving him enough and sacrificing enough, you might just fix him.
We cannot change other people, or fix their addictions by loving them better if they don't want to work on their own recovery. It sure is a shame that isn't the case, because those rehabs aren't just full of folk that no one loved, and neither are the homeless shelters or the mortuaries.

What are you going to do today for YOUR recovery.

BB

totfit

Were I you, I would find the amazing in myself.

SoberLeigh

How are you today, Meghan?

Meghan19

Honestly I'm a bit of a mess. I am going through these random outbursts of being heartbroken. I'll be fine for hours then it will just wash over me and I cant breathe my heart is in so much pain.

I was on vacation a week ago for mine and his birthdays, and was out of the office last week travelling so I dont think I'm able to take another day or two off from work but am not ready to go back tomorrow for fear of breaking down.

I also have to go back to my apartment after work tomorrow to get some things to bring back to my godmothers and will need to get all my things packed and moved out by the end of the month but I cant fathom going back to the place we built a home and so many amazing memories.

I am fortunate that i have a friend who is going to come with me to pack some things tomorrow. At least i dont have to do it alone.

I'm just going through the early stages of a heartbreak, while simultaneously worrying about if he is alive out there. Checking the Facebook news page from our city every 20 mins looking to see if his face is there. Ugh

Thank you for checking in! I wish I had better news to share

DangerZone

Time helps with these unfortunate life events. No other way around it. It's going to sting for a while that is apart of breaking up but you'll get over it eventually just give it time.

As far as debating whether you are making the right decision trust me you have to get away from this guy. If you take him back even if he gets clean, it'll be in the back of his mind that he can pretty much get away with anything and you will always take him back. He'll look at you as a pushover. I know I would.

I mean what is it going to take for you to leave him? Constantly lying? Check. Cheated on you? Check. Using you for money? Check. Leave you at the airport when you need a ride? Check. What's next?

Cherish the good times you had with him but move on. It's time for him to grow up and for you to find someone who will treat you better.

Meghan19

Yes, I know. These are all the reasons I did leave him but that does not stop the pain unfortunately. My past breakups have always been so much easier than this because I genuinely was done with the relationship- there was no love or the love faded. Here it feels overwhelming because despite these things I still love him. I know he doesn't deserve me and I know I need to get away- which is ultimately why I said goodbye. It's just tough on my emotions right now, and I keep trying to think of the negative things but my brain only wants to remember the good.

Stupid brain.

DangerZone

Don't be so hard on yourself. You are human. These things can happen. Just move on!!!

Remember it hurts now but a year from now or maybe less you probably won't think about it much,