sobersolstice

Went on a date tonight just to get to know someone new, so went climbing after work just to share a common activity.

As twilight approached and our skin wore out, we drove back down to town, and she asked if I wanted to grab a beer. I told her something about my body chemistry makes me feel crappy when I drink, so I don't. Then I proposed we go get food b/c I was hungry, so we go to this brewery for food. We got free fries, she had a beer and snack, and I had a burger and sparking water.

That was insanely close. My plan was to "just not drink". And it barely worked.

Anyone have tips for planning spontaneous situations in dating situations?

Maybe a bit early for day 63?

I yelled "YESS!!" in my car on the way home, not because the date was great (she was cool), but because I didn't cave. Should I be proud of that and expand my freedom and strength this way, or is it a slippery slope? I guess everyone is different..

ThomPom

What helps me, is to drink - call it a signature drink - in such situation. In a bar, social situation a Tonic, with Food cold apple juice. Doesn't matter what it is, but it becomes automated behavior. If you be clear about that before, there is no risk ti get into a wandering mind about what to drink, when your AV would kick in.

Vinificent

Good for you putting your sobriety first! It does get easier to turn down. Before you know it you will be saying "No but I would love a soda/juice/coffee...let's go 😉

tomsteve

considering
That was insanely close. My plan was to "just not drink". And it barely worked.

might want to NOT go to temptation central( a brewery/bar) for a meal next time. theres hundreds of restaurants that serve excellent food. hundreds of restaurants whose theme isnt centered on alcohol.
unless ya dont value your sobriety more than ANYTHING.

Should I be proud of that and expand my freedom and strength this way, or is it a slippery slope?

what does expanding your freedeom mean to you?

Dee74

I waited a good long while before I got back into relationships, dating whatever you want to call it.

That kind of stuff was emotion city for me, and all my insecurities came out to play as well.

Too risky for me with a fragile newborn recovery.

It was challenging enough 6 months down the road...

D

PhoenixJ

Die-hards at meetings say avoid 'relationships' with others for at least a year...so we have time to sort ourselves out. They say- first year, keep a plant alive. Second year- get a pet...and if both the plant and pet come through ok..THEN think about relationships...

Support to you.

soberdutchman36

Try maintaining a relationship drunk...

Keep that in mind on a date and alcohol will be the last thing on your mind.

Primativo

I had a guy say that to me and I think it's rubbish. Everyone is different but for me, avoiding a relationship for a year on purpose is silly. I've been dating for the last 3 years and I did it mostly drunk. In fact dating for me was I think in many cases an excuse for me to drink. In my case, it's really rare for me to meet someone I really like. So if I do meet her, I will be damned if I tell her to get lost because I'm in recovery. No way. Getting in a relationship and falling in love is surely a boost to you. Whereas staying single and lonely is in my opinion more likely to depress you and lead you back to drink. So when a guy said to me to avoid dating for 6 months I laughed. Everyone is different but that isn't advice I'm going to take on board.

As it happens I've had two dates since I quit drink and they've been brilliant.

I know what the OP means and I also shouted yes when I got home from the date and hadn't caved in. I just go for a lime and tonic, or a refreshing drink. Yes I do have some cravings at times but I ignore them.

To the OP - date and pursue happiness. When the guy at AA said avoid dating, he said it's all well and good when they are smiling at you, but what happens when the relationship goes wrong?

Well in my view that's a very pessimistic way to look at relationships and life. Who is to say she doesn't turn out as the love of your life and you have many many years of amazing happiness?

My advice is to tell her you aren't drinking at the moment. For health and fitness reasons. Detox etc. In my case it did two things, it made me accountable to her, I told her I'm not drinking so I can't now turn around and order a beer. And also, my date turned round and said oh cool, of you aren't drinking I won't either, I hardly drink much anyway she said. So we had a sober date and great conversation you can actually remember the next day. You'll be surprised how much of a turn on For woman it is to meet a guy who doesn't drink. It's unusual. Let's be honest. Does a woman looking for a date, and potential husband and father of her future children want a dribbling drunk or a sober man who knows what he wants, is focused disciplined and most of all, healthy.

Dee74

The flip side to that is I was one hot mess when I quit.
If I'd gone out dating then I would have been inflicting myself on someone.

Its not uncommon in early recovery for folks like us to use other people to feel good, just like we used drugs.

We may not do it consciously but lots of us do it.
I don't think anyone deserves that.

I didn't wait a year but I;m still glad I waited.

The suggestions here are not always about dogma being repeated parrot fashion

D

soberdutchman36

Very true Dee. It's not fair to the other person if you're a mess around them. They could be happy instead.

You can't make someone happy when you're in a bad place. Not truly. Get to a good place yourself. And people sense that and will want to be around you as well.

time2shineagain

Regardless of whether or not it's too early in your sobriety to date, sounds like you handled the situation well SS.

Congrats on your sober time 😊

FreeOwl

With each new victory, sobriety becomes more and more the norm.

But for me - it helped to go beyond "just not drinking" and into "embracing sobriety".

A great response to a date asking "wanna grab a beer" is "I'd love a sparkling water / a coke / a root beer / a fill-in-the-blank" but if you're up for a beer, sure. I'll just have what I have. I don't drink!".

The more we begin to OWN our sobriety and not shy away from it, the more it becomes our reality and our place of power.

If a date finds sobriety unappealing - you'll very likely find that date isn't a person you'll want to be with in sobriety. Great way to screen out the not-so-fitting.

In most cases, you'll actually find women find sobriety refreshing. The 'norm' in dating always comes along with booze - and you'd be surprised how often the 'norm' for women is a guy who drinks too much.

Many women will welcome the refreshing experience of a sober, present, healthy man who doesn't feel compelled to soak himself in liquid courage around her.

Renvate

you basically described the scenario i am kinda not looking forward too. That moment where i have to give an explanation on why i cant have a beer.

interestingly enough, I am actually seeking a woman who does not drink.

where is in the past, my checklist would include her being a drinker because then we could enjoy nights together.

but from my experience, a man and woman drunk, especially in public is NOT a good mix.

in regards to waiting a year? I think its easier said then done.

FreeOwl

Definitely.

In part.... because for us addicts, booze is seldom the only thing we're addicted to.

tomsteve

so youre saying start sobriety and a possible new relationship by being dishonest?

thats rubbish.

August252015

Strongly agree here. I have two things to contribute from personal experience:
A gent (in the program a long time....see: 13th stepping ) expressed interest in me around my 100 day mark. I was a mess, as Dee said, coming out of my hardcore and protracted withdrawal (in all areas and in turns out quite a ways to go)....and after a few somewhat unintentional interactions (I was truly flummoxed about how to handle his advances and interest!), I realized I was nowhere close to making a good decision about this guy. I actually listed out (in my BB) what I didn't think God wanted for me- and listed things about him. Eye opener.

My other contribution here is that at 4+ mo, my high school boyfriend asked me to lunch out of the blue. He was a month and a day sober. Long story short (my Class of Feb 2016 has seen this relationship grow and progress to marriage) is that we have an incredibly rare situation. As I often say, not only do I want him (permanently), I believe I would have had no business wanting anyone else - or wise to take a (calculated) risk on a relationship- that early.

Involving other people in my recovery, friends, my future husband, family, everyone was a deliberate process that I underwent quite cautiously.

Two months is pretty early to add "extra" stuff to recovery work.

Best to you for decisions that only benefit your continued sobriety.

Primativo

No because it is true. I'm not drinking anymore because of health reasons plus I'm now getting fit at the gym.

This is only the first few dates. Do you think it's wise to say to a first date that you don't drink because you're an alcoholic? 99% of women will run a mile. At the end of the day it will scare them off.

If things get serious obviously you will tell them the real reason you no longer drink but frankly in my opinion you don't need to tell them the whole truth at such an early stage.

Saying you are not drinking because you are detoxing / health reasons isn't being dishonest.

doggonecarl

What you told the OP was:

Not drinking at the moment implies that at drinking might be an option in the future...at some other moment. And that is certainly dishonest if your intention is total sobriety.

There is nothing wrong with saying "I don't drink." No explanation is necessary. Lots of people don't, for any variety of reasons beyond being recovering alcoholics. I'm sure they don't feel the need to defend their choice. Yet we alcoholics feel compelled to have a "reason" why we don't drink.

lessgravity

Not sure if it's helpful for the OP to go back and forth over exactly what to say to a woman (or man) on the first date. We are all semi-truthful when we first meet someone. If she asks "how is your relationship with your parents?" and you were abused, is that fodder for a first date?

Give me a break.

And I agree with the sentiment that some have expressed about not avoiding things like possible relationships when getting sober. Life is fleeting. The opportunity to meet someone you might fall in love with is just luck and circumstance. To avoid entirely the prospect of that seems to be to be denying true future happiness. I very much dislike that AA trope, one of many, but that's a story for another thread.

I do understand the need to tread cautiously. On the other hand I am sober now and going to be forever and have been trying to get sober for many years and have gotten divorced, fell in love, remarried and am expecting a daughter over the course of my time on SR.

Would I trade all of that for having somehow gotten sober earlier because I avoided the possibility of a relationship? Hell no.

In fact I think the relationship that I found during my struggles to get sober is a huge part of the fact that I am sober now.

So I think you should be as honest as you feel comfortable on first dates and the initial stages. I wouldn't outright lie, but if the woman is the right one for you, you will come to find surety and safety and be able to share your struggles. I know I have.

Good luck. Oh and don't forget to pick up the check, even if she had a few glasses of wine.

entropy1964

Maybe a bit early for day 63?

This.