ScottFromWI

I would argue that just about anything worth having in life is "Hard". Especially to someone who is newly sober. Most of us tried to use alcohol to avoid or hide from the things in life that are difficult to deal with. Pain ( emotional and physical ), relationships, financial troubles, basically anything that generated negative feelings was our excuse to get drunk and hide/run away instead of facing the real problems/issues.

Dating is no different - it's simply a real life situation that most people go through and it's hard. It's also hard for people that aren't addicts or alcoholics remember. As Carl mentions, most people really don't care one way or the other if someone is drinking or not, so it's not really even a topic you need to address at all. There are lots of people in the world that are not alcholics that don't drink for a variety of reasons. It's perfectly acceptable to just say "no thanks" or "ill have a water".

If you did meets someone who had an issue with you NOT drinking, they probably wouldn't be a good fit for you anyway, right?

Ladysadie

Sobersolstice, I actually think dating sober would be easy. Not that I currently date (I have a SO, as I've explained in other discussions. Not sure I'll keep him but that's another story). When you meet someone say in a bar and you have had a few pops, your judgment can be altered (call it Beer Goggles?). You may hook up with them and do things you later regret without first "vetting" the person.

I think sober, you are open to hearing, seeing, and filtering who they are (and they doing the same with you). It takes time to establish relationships - both in terms of friendships and for those leading to exclusive romance. Had I understood this concept I would not be with the partner I am currently with. I think your approach to dating (cautiously) is good. I think I'd be more upfront about "I don't drink". If that happens to be a deal breaker, well you are lucky to cut and run early on before you invest more after a date or two.

MissPerfumado

I think Day 63 would have been too early for me.

For many of us, there's a huge inter-connection between the reasons we drank and messiness that occurred in our relationships. I'm one of them so I'm glad I waited a full 18 months before starting a relationship.

For the first 12 months of my recovery, I didn't actively seek a new relationship. I had too much going on embedding sobriety. I tend to fall in love easily and that up-down-bouncing-around biochemical thing that then happens to me would have been a nightmare to deal with in early sobriety. It would have risked my sobriety for sure.

I did get asked out on a couple of dates after the first few months although I can't say I expected anything to come of them. I'm not the type who dates like I'm buying lotto numbers and expects that my number might come up magically mid-date. I basically know before I go out on a date with someone whether there's a spark or not. Anyway, I simply explained to my dates that I didn't drink. I had begun hitting the gym and running regularly anyway as soon as I stopped drinking (like lots of us do) and being teetotal didn't seem like a huge deal to my dates - just like part of a healthy lifestyle.

I wouldn't want to go out with anyone who had a problem with my abstinence anyway so why not find out upfront.

After about 18 months of sobriety, I began a new relationship. He knew early on I didn't drink and I alluded to there being a conscious decision to quit. I was really strong in my sobriety and my identity and had no problem with opening up about myself when the time seemed right. So he knew pretty early on that I consider myself an alcoholic who cannot drink again and it's never been a problem for us.

sobersolstice

My go-to when sober is pellegrino/lime, and it worked. It was a no-expectations sort of date that I purposely turned into an outdoor activity, and was half-ready for the 'going out for a beer' question, but when she asked, my AV told me it might be ok for a second, but I knew deep inside my sobriety was first and that I promised myself not to drink.

I was lucid, and had a great conversation with her. I think it'll be fun to go enjoy more activities with her as she's an athlete at the elite level, as well as a dr.. She asked me if the allergic reaction was from ATP some co-reductase transaminase something ADP acetaldehyde thing, and I said "yeah.. that", and we both laughed. Once at that point, I thought I was good.

We go to the restaurant (90% of restaurants here are breweries), and she says "let's sit at the bar", and b/c the wait for a table was 30 min, we did. I watched her drink her beer slowly over a couple hours, and had good conversations.

The thing is, that I wasn't full-on into her. It would have been much more difficult if I felt that "she's the one" type feeling. I think my brain would shut off control and I'd do anything, but I like that you all mention how ladies like when a man is sober. I think that's even more the case in my town where fitness is everyone's first priority.

I'll give it more time, as my sobriety felt a little wobbly, but I cranked through, and had a good time! I'm going to be around people that drink socially; it's just a fact, so I just have to keep the mental tools ready for those occasions. I do feel like it strengthened my sobriety though.

Thanks for all the feedback. I'll consider all the things that seem suitable for me and keep rolling.

Boxer1

Great job hanging tough!! Im fairly recently single and that has derailed me twice. I will read the replies closely, nice work!!