Musical

Hi everyone

I am a bit nervous posting and one thing that got me here in the first place was judgement. Everywhere I turned I had people looking at me judging me. I have two children, I had my first at 19. When I had my second everything went down hill. I started drinking to ease my depression. I did not seek help. Only 7 months after I had my baby did I realise it was time to accept the help as it was not just me it was my two kids aswell. My mum took me down to the doctors and I got help. After a while I stopped taking my depression tablets. Pretended I was taking them but went straight back on the alcohol. That seemed to help, and would also help me fall asleep. Slowly it became a habit. I am now 15 weeks pregnant with baby number 3.
I love my family, but this pregnancy has made me realise I also love alcohol.
I am struggling to stop drinking.
I try. Every day feels like a battle and I don't understand why.
I started gooogling to find people in the same position as me, and I am now realising maybe I need to speak about it. Maybe I need help.
Today is the last day I want to drink. I am in bed after sleeping "some off". This is the feeling I hate. I feel guilt, sick, disgusting, disappointed in myself. What kind of mum am I.
I manage to go days without having a drink. I occupy my mind with things. But then I give in, and end up feeling like this. Over compensating. One beer after the other.
I will not try and justify what I drink or how much because in my eyes, for myself, drinking is drinking.
I should be able to stop.
I say to myself this is the last time, every time I wake up feeling sick with insomnia. And when I do it works for a few days, but it does not last. Please do not judge me because I am pregnant or am already a mum.
A while back I broke down with my partner and told him I'm struggling. (this was when I was also struggling with depression) Flooding tears, and he basically said I'm being silly. I was crying for help and he walked out of the house.
I do not feel like I can speak to my family about it that's why I am coming here.
I recognise this is my first step. I've never done something like this before. But I realise I need help. I don't want it to be too late.

Its funny because I started drinking because I was not happy with my life. But honestly, 3 years later I am not happy again.

Please help me. Advise me. But please do not judge me.

DontRemember

Go to some meetings(AA,Smart,ect..)..No judgment there.

MissOverIt

Absolutely no judgment here but you do need some outside sober connections and help. AA is easy to find and they can help. You don’t have to “buy” everything AA but you and your babies deserve a shot. Go get it! Much love!

BDTL

The first step is realizing you need help and then don't be afraid to seek it. You did good coming on here and opening up. Now find an organization locally than can support you. You got this!

Dee74

Hi and welcome musical
I'm glad you found us - this is a place of great support and understanding.

I hope you won't feel judged here cos everyone's been where you are now
I needed help too and it was a huge relief to find it here.

Please read around & post as much as you need to

D

thomas11

Your honesty is valuable. Based on your post, maybe you do need help, why is that a problem if you can get help? Take advantage of it, live a life of freedom.

least

I hope you can go back to the doctor and get the help you need to stop drinking.

Hevyn

Musical - You're among friends here. We all understand, having been through the same struggle. I drank 30 yrs. Long after it was fun or relaxing or enjoyable - I kept on going with it. I thought it was helping me cope, but it was only adding to my anxiety and stress. Getting free of it was a wonderful feeling. You can do it! I'm so glad you found us. You're never alone.

rascalwhiteoak

Hi musical. This is a good place to be — read around and post a bit. As for getting help, try whatever you can and stick with what works. The best kind of help is the kind you'll keep using!

MissPerfumado

Welcome Musical.

No judgment from me ... definitely not. Just understanding and empathy.

You will need some tools to help you stop and stay stopped. This site has plenty of information.

From reading around, you can find out how others managed to stop (for example, seeing their doctor and coming clean, seeing a counsellor, going to AA) and to stay stopped (a plan will really help, which could include identifying the things that trigger you to drink, the times of day that you drink, etc., then coming up with strategies to counteract them, taking up new hobbies or interests, dealing with family members / loved ones who may be sabotaging you etc).

The first step is admitting you have a problem, so congratulations on taking the first step!

Sophie11

Hi Musical,
Your finding this website and this community is a wonderful first step. If you look through the old forums there are some others from pregnant women which you may relate to? I’m sorry that your partner isn’t being more supportive. As Dee said, we have all been there with similar struggles, so you will find sympathetic ‘listeners’ here.

Rar

Welcome Musical. Folks are wise, compassionate and non judgmental. You'll find plenty of support here.

NYCDoglvr

I couldn't stop drinking on my own and went to AA, because the support is life-saving. It's the support that keeps us sober.

Dee74

Hows it going Musical?

D

Musical

Thankyou so much for your replies. I honestly didn't expect positive replies. It's motivating it's made me smile and made me feel happy I came here.
I cannot deny already I have slipped up, but I feel I can make a step forward and try harder.
I had a few people around for dinner and kept saying no no no, but then I have in said one wont hurt and it became 3.
My problem is those people that came round do not know my issue. And I do not want to share it with them.
Am I wrong?

Musical

Thankyou so much.

Musical

Honestly you guys are amazing. The replies here actually make me want to sort myself out not just for me but for you guys. I don't want to let u down.. If you all take do it why can't I?
I no longer feel alone

Musical

I 100% agree with this
I am a planner, it puts me in comfort, so planning how I will stop makes sence to me and maybe that has been the problem because just saying today is the last day is not good enough. But to figure out how I'm going to make today the last day seems more realistic.

Reading other people's experiences has given me encouragement.. I find in my times of weakness that's all that I do.

Thankyou! You really have made me think.

Musical

Hey Dee74..

I feel more stronger than I have felt in a while, because I finally have people to speak to that I do not feel judged around. The best feeling was to open up, I'm just getting a added fear that I will let you guys down.
Your advise, everybody's advise had been amazing and every reply has made me smile from ear to ear. Funny enough right now I'm feeling a few tears in my eyes (I blame the hormones lol)

I want to do this. I think it's time to make a change. Earlier (and I know it sounds stupid) I marked 7 days worth of stars on my calendar first day being tomorrow. Those stars will represent the days I stay true to my self and be a better mum to my children and my growing baby. Then every day from there I will add a extra star, hoping not no break the chain.

I hope these small steps help me to make that big step.

I also bare in mind and take into consideration I have to join aa and possibly take up counselling. But having you guys to speak to has lifted a heavy weight and honestly I keep reading every response and it makes me feel more determined every time.

I do hope you and everyone knows how much I appreciate you Al. And I know it's just a reply but it means more than you guys will ever realise.

Musical

I feel as though I was making it into a problem when help was not the problem I was. And I now understand that. Thankyou for making me see that. That's all I want. To be free. I want to live that life of freedom.