Chesnee

My mom is a functioning alcoholic. She has been drinking for probably 20 years. I didn’t find out till I was eleven because she kept it hidden. When her secrets became to much she spilled her guts. But never received help and decided to continue drinking and try to keep it a secret. I have always known in the back of mind that my mom was an alcoholic and that it was ok because she is my mom. About a year ago she decided to quit without assistance and about died from withdrawal. She decided that she was going to quit on her own wothout rehab or AA. I trusted her and she did it for about 9 months. She relapsed and told me she “has it under control”. So I trusted her again until a couple of weeks ago when I found out that she was drinking again. At this point I was upset and I knew that her body can’t take the alcohol anymore. So I told her that my children couldn’t spend the night until she quit or atleast attended an AA meeting on a regular basis.

Now my mom refuses to talk to me and has convinced herself that she doesn’t have a problem.

After not speaking to her and reminiscing on the past I have realized how much of our arguments have been fueled by alcohol. I feel stupid now but I just didn’t realize it. I didn’t realize when I was young and she would pick me up from school and go straight to bed that she really was sleeping off the alcohol. I also realize that she was picking me up from school after drinking a good portion of the day. I didn’t realize that when we argued she was unleashing her alcoholism on me, I thought I was wrong for whatever I did at the time and I would apologize and we would get over it.

My dad is also an alcoholic he blames his work life as a need to drink and drank around my mom while she was trying to stay sober. I know that he has to quit too. But neither of them think they have a problem. And now they are telling me that I don’t understand addiction. And that Not letting my kids spend the night will not help.

I just don’t know what else to do. Alcoholism runs in my family. My grandfather accepted help after my uncle refused to allow him to be around his kids. I just hoped that my parents would do the same.

I need help. The two people I depend on most in life to support me through my decisions now think that I’m wrong. Maybe I don’t understand addiction. But I don’t want them to die of this. And I don’t want to blame myself when they are gone with the “what ifs”.

Dee74

Hi and welcome

I think thats a great decision as a parent Chesnee.

I wouldn't leave my (metaphorical) kids with someone who might drink while doing so and I've been an active alcoholic.

I wish it was possible to love someone out of addiction, or even force them out of it by tough love or withholding things etc...but its not.

I stopped drinking when I was ready to do so...it was way past time, but noone could reason with me before then.

Have you considered alanon for yourself?

D

least

Welcome to the family. You are not wrong to want to keep your kids safe. Someone who drinks has no business being responsible for kids' welfare.

I hope you'll get support for yourself. You've got a lot on your plate.

SoberLeigh

Welcome to SR, Chesnee; I am so sorry for what brings you here but am so glad you found us.

I applaud your decision to not allow your children to spend the night with your parents if they are drinking. The safety of your children should always be your priority.

Stay close. You will find an abundance of support here.

As Dee mentioned, you may want to consider Alanon for additional support.

goodbyeevan

Your childhood relationship with your mom sounds alot like my mom's relationship with my gram. My gram always says my mother fueled her recovery. My mom attended al-anon and my gram started going to AA. She now has 33 sober years. But you can't make anyone do anything they dont want to. It may take time and more boundaries being set, I don't know. I hope she comes to see alcohol for the demon it is.

Berrybean

Sorry for what brings you here, but glad you found us.

Your mum probably doesn't believe you'll stick to your decision for long. Thing is, there's nothing wrong with your decision at all. It must have been a hard one to make, but you have established boundaries to protect your children. You can't change your mum's decision to drink, but you can stop her active alcoholism affecting another generation.

I don't known if you have heard of ACOA at all. You might find them and their handbook useful, and it's worth looking to see if there are any meetings near you. Another alternative may be AlAnon. These fellowships help each other navigate the tricky path of loving someone who is an active or recovering alcoholic. Setting and sticking to boundaries. Protecting ourselves from the consequences of their drinking.
Adult Children of Alcoholics

Hope you stick around. Esp check out the threads in the Friends and Family area which may be very useful. There's a lot of support here. https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

BB

snitch

Awww bless you. My heart really goes out to you. I am an alcoholic in early recovery and even though I drank myself around my daughter (something I am ashamed of and regret deeply) I would not let my parents look after her if they were alcoholics themselves. The safety and welfare of your children has to be, and obviously is, your primary concern.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Denial is such a big part of this illness. Even when I had admitted to myself I was an alcoholic I still tried many times after to drink moderately. I put my mum and dad through so much worry but until I completely surrendered to the fact that I was powerless over alcohol, that I would never be able to drink "normally" and "safely" (whatever that is) and that my life was completly unmanageable, that I put down the bottle and started getting serious about recovery.

I echo others thoughts here to consider AL Anon. Read and post here on the friends and family forum. Sit down with your mum and tell her how much you love her and will support her if she quits drinking but that while she is drinking you don't feel your children are safe.

Best wishes to you.

Suzy x x

Maudcat

Hi, Chesnee.
Welcome to SR.
While your decision to keep your kids safe is a good one, it is also an ultimatum to your mom.
The problem with ultimatums is that they don’t always play out the way we expect them to.
As Dee said, we can’t love someone put of addiction.
Your mom (and dad) will get sober or they won’t,. It’s really their decision.
I know how sad this is for you.
Recognizing that the two people in the world on whom you ought to be able to count just aren’t there for you is a tough one.
Al-Anon meetings are very supportive, as there you will meet others who struggle with loved ones’ addictions as you are doing.
Good luck.

DreamCatcher17

Welcome,

I am sorry for what brings you here.

My mom is a practicing alcoholic as well. I am in recovery!

When I started my journey to recovery I relized how toxic my mom was to me and my son. She is not allowed to see us, video chat or even talk on the phone. I have removed her from my life.
She is welcome back when she is sober but, I doubt that will ever happen. I have to accept that. I tell my son she is sick, which she really is.
It was a tough decision, but the best decision.

While it may be hard it does get easier.
Your life will improve once the thoughts of her, what she is doing and how she is is no longer consuming you.

I am sorry to say you can not do a damn thing, she has to want to help herself for herself and it doesn't sound like she is willing to do that.

I hope she does, she is missing out on some amazing memories!

Chesnee

I’m just tired of the lies. It’s not really the safety of the kids because my parents swear to me that they don’t drink around them. I was hoping that by taking the kids away it would give her a reason to quit. I went to an alanon meeting and I want to keep going. I just don’t know what else to do

Chesnee

It is so hard. I talk to my mom everyday. And now she hasn’t spoken to me in two weeks. I want to back off because they have been more than grandparents to my son. For the first couple of years they were his parents. Right now I don’t believe that she is hurting my son. But I just don’t want them to watch her die of something like this.

Nonsensical

You can't control it.
You didn't cause it.
I think alanon is a really great idea for you. I encourage you to keep going.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

Verdantia

Hi, Chesnee. I am sorry that your mom is drinking. My father was an out-of-control alcoholic and that caused me a great deal of anger, pain and resentment throughout my life. He became sober for the last 18 years of his life and we did reconcile, but it was a hard go of it.
There is a friends and family section in the forums that I think would be helpful for you. Click on 'new to addiction and recovery?' at the top of the page and scroll down. Wishing you all the best--you're doing the right thing regarding your mom but not to drink is ultimately her decision.

Dee74

Hi Chesnee - I understand the motivation but I wouldn't use your kids as bargaining chips.

Not fair on the kids and I doubt it would work.

D