STOP sticking your head in the LIONS MOUTH !!!...
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: FLAAADAH
Posts: 793
Hello everyone...Welcome to my Day 10
Double digits, WaaaaHoooooo...Day 10 and I'am doing fine.
Made a trip to the gym and did cardio and walked over a couple of high long bridges. They about whipped my butt but I had to continue to get back to where I started and had my lunch and gym bag stowed. The YMCA of which I'am a member of. They have a really nice indoor pool and I need to start hitting that pretty regular. Today I spent about 20 mins in the Steam room. It was very relaxing.
I did take a dip in the pool when a lane opened up but didnt swim a lot of laps. I just wanted to cool off. I rinsed in the shower, got dressed and had a tuna sandwich outside where they have a nice patio area with a few tables and chairs. After that I headed for home but stopped for groceries on the way.
I'am happy to report I'am down 7 pounds in 10 days. Diet has not changed all that much, I'am just not drinking beer. I'am allowing myself pretty much what I want to eat but watching my portions for a couple of months. I love fruit and veggies so the is a big plus in my favor. I do allow myself some sweet snacks but I'am trying to cut back on those as well. To make up for it, I'am eating a lot of fruit. I love my Strawberries, especially.
So thats my progress report for today. I'am going to sleep really well tonight, I'am looking forward to it...and feeling GREAT in the morning !
Thats all for now, more later.
DD
Made a trip to the gym and did cardio and walked over a couple of high long bridges. They about whipped my butt but I had to continue to get back to where I started and had my lunch and gym bag stowed. The YMCA of which I'am a member of. They have a really nice indoor pool and I need to start hitting that pretty regular. Today I spent about 20 mins in the Steam room. It was very relaxing.
I did take a dip in the pool when a lane opened up but didnt swim a lot of laps. I just wanted to cool off. I rinsed in the shower, got dressed and had a tuna sandwich outside where they have a nice patio area with a few tables and chairs. After that I headed for home but stopped for groceries on the way.
I'am happy to report I'am down 7 pounds in 10 days. Diet has not changed all that much, I'am just not drinking beer. I'am allowing myself pretty much what I want to eat but watching my portions for a couple of months. I love fruit and veggies so the is a big plus in my favor. I do allow myself some sweet snacks but I'am trying to cut back on those as well. To make up for it, I'am eating a lot of fruit. I love my Strawberries, especially.
So thats my progress report for today. I'am going to sleep really well tonight, I'am looking forward to it...and feeling GREAT in the morning !
Thats all for now, more later.
DD
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: 45th Parallel, Michigan
Posts: 816
Congrats on double digits! Beer calories are the worst, they even named a type of belly fat after them!
And I'll second that vote for strawberries: delicious and low carb. Soon we might have some around here that weren't shipped a thousand miles...
And I'll second that vote for strawberries: delicious and low carb. Soon we might have some around here that weren't shipped a thousand miles...
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 269
Originally Posted by DuhDave 
...and get serious about your sobriety and recovery ! This is what I have been telling myself for the last 7 YEARS. I have been a raging alcoholic for the past 20 years and a chronic, repeat, relapser. I stopped counting at 30 something a few years ago. I must be above 50 now. I have known, for the last 7 years that I cant go on this way.
So, my point is this. The stopping and starting, stopping and starting, stopping and starting takes something out of me each time. My "resolve" if you will. My determination, will power, esteem and self confidence are all at a life time low for me.
Years ago, When I would wake up with a "Kicker" of a hangover I would stop my drinking. 2 weeks, a month, or my personal best, 5 months but always returned to the grogg (for me it is beer LOTS of beer EVERYDAY) without fail. When I return to the drinking I lose a little piece of myself... my confidence that I can beat this, my fight, my desire to slay the demon, the "beast".
Fast forward to today. Again, I have come to this point and knowing this just cant go on, I'am declaring yet another Day 1 and taking my head out of the lion's mouth ! Will I stick it back in again?...absolutly not.
Yes, I have my plan in place... several in fact. A nutrition and excercise program for starter but will be a big part of my success this time. When I stopped smoking in 2012 I packed on the weight. I'am just a little over 300 #. I cant carry it any longer. I have things I need to do. I have been sedentary for most of the last 10 years. A lot of muscle has wasted away. Not to mention a lot of myself both mentally and physically.
If this is not bad enough there is one more caveat, I'am 65 years old ! ONLY by the grace of GOD am I still here ! I know this. To Him be the Glory !
So, Being as I have been fighting my alcoholic demons lo' these many years, I now find myself fighting the clock. I still have a lot of life to live and alcohol will simply NOT be a part of it.
That's all for now, more later.
DD
So, my point is this. The stopping and starting, stopping and starting, stopping and starting takes something out of me each time. My "resolve" if you will. My determination, will power, esteem and self confidence are all at a life time low for me.
Years ago, When I would wake up with a "Kicker" of a hangover I would stop my drinking. 2 weeks, a month, or my personal best, 5 months but always returned to the grogg (for me it is beer LOTS of beer EVERYDAY) without fail. When I return to the drinking I lose a little piece of myself... my confidence that I can beat this, my fight, my desire to slay the demon, the "beast".
Fast forward to today. Again, I have come to this point and knowing this just cant go on, I'am declaring yet another Day 1 and taking my head out of the lion's mouth ! Will I stick it back in again?...absolutly not.
Yes, I have my plan in place... several in fact. A nutrition and excercise program for starter but will be a big part of my success this time. When I stopped smoking in 2012 I packed on the weight. I'am just a little over 300 #. I cant carry it any longer. I have things I need to do. I have been sedentary for most of the last 10 years. A lot of muscle has wasted away. Not to mention a lot of myself both mentally and physically.
If this is not bad enough there is one more caveat, I'am 65 years old ! ONLY by the grace of GOD am I still here ! I know this. To Him be the Glory !
So, Being as I have been fighting my alcoholic demons lo' these many years, I now find myself fighting the clock. I still have a lot of life to live and alcohol will simply NOT be a part of it.
That's all for now, more later.
DD
For me, this means writing in my journal EVERY DAY no matter if I "feel like it" or not. I'm also making a promise to check in to this forum every day, sign up for the daily 24 hour sobriety pledge, and reply to at least one person. In the past I've dropped into this forum only sporadically, and my journaling always fizzled out fast.
I'm interested in hearing about your "Bug-out" bag, because what I'm learning in recent days is that, for me, having solid alternate activities to turn to when the cravings strike is the absolute key. Right now Dasani sparkling seltzer water is one of these things. In the afternoons, around the time I would always start drinking beer, I instead snap open an ice cold can of Dasani. Sometimes I drink it really fast, the way I used to drink my beer. It's oddly satisfying and rather than make me crave and actual beer it eliminates the craving by taking its place.
The other thing I have is a vape pen. This might be controversial for some and I'm not suggesting everyone take up vaping. I quite smoking cigarettes 22 years ago and have no desire to become addicted to nicotine again. But I purchased a vape pen with vape juice that has ZERO nicotine. Every now and then when I get that craving for beer I take a couple of hits on my vape pen. Something about the deep breathing and the hit it gives the lungs is relaxing and provides an alternate activity to drinking. Again--this isn't for everyone but it works for me. Also key is having plans in place for events where others will be drinking. I'm hosting a party the end of this month, and my plan is to have board games and adult coloring books as well as plenty of my Dasani seltzer water there for me to turn to. It may sound corny but just knowing I have plans in place takes away that horrible feeling of not knowing what you're going to do with yourself at a party!
Funny you mentioned you mostly drank Natty Lite. I was strictly a beer drinker 99% of the time (occasionally would use vodka mixed with soda) and it was either Miller Lite, Michelob Ultra, or Natty Lite. I could pound a 12 pack down easily, but had been creeping into 16 or even 17 in one day territory. I'm 5'6" and female so that kind of tolerance was frightening, especially because there was a time not to long ago when 7 beers would give me a hangover. But my AV LOVED to whisper in my ear "It's only beer, and LIGHT beer at that! You're not an alcoholic"!
Anyway just wanted to offer you all the support in the world, and I hope you stick around and keep posting, and most of all, you not only keep your head out of the lions mouth, but you sew that lions mouth shut!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: FLAAADAH
Posts: 793
Hi BrandNew, thanks for your reply and your interest in my "Bug out" bag.
My "Bugout bag" is just a small backpack stocked with things ahead of time to just grab and go for the next few hours on a extended hike, when the craves hit. Water, oatmeal bars, crackers with pnut butter, candy bars, just stuff thats non-perishable. I have some chocolate in it also but I do keep my supplies in the house so it doesnt melt in my vehicle.
I also keep an older MP3 player with some tunes and it picks up radio stations too, cell phone...just about anything I think I may need without going nuts and over loading my bag. My hat, sunglasses, etc. I try to keep the bag light.
I usually head to a local big box store (just a few miles up the road).
From there I catch a bus to downtown and just walk. I try to take myself out of the equation, so to speak. You cant drink on a city bus nor can you walk around drinking downtown. The bus has WIFI and is A/C...plus I can ride for free !
I have no cash on me or in my bag...no debit/credit cards either. Just a card that gets me on the bus and my Driver License for ID. Thats it. So...I cant buy anything to drink no matter how much I want to !
I usually do not ride city bus for transportation. But this little extra tool in the sobriety tool box sure does help me to "Ride out" the craves now and then.
Hope this explains what my "Bug out" bag is about.
DD
My "Bugout bag" is just a small backpack stocked with things ahead of time to just grab and go for the next few hours on a extended hike, when the craves hit. Water, oatmeal bars, crackers with pnut butter, candy bars, just stuff thats non-perishable. I have some chocolate in it also but I do keep my supplies in the house so it doesnt melt in my vehicle.
I also keep an older MP3 player with some tunes and it picks up radio stations too, cell phone...just about anything I think I may need without going nuts and over loading my bag. My hat, sunglasses, etc. I try to keep the bag light.
I usually head to a local big box store (just a few miles up the road).
From there I catch a bus to downtown and just walk. I try to take myself out of the equation, so to speak. You cant drink on a city bus nor can you walk around drinking downtown. The bus has WIFI and is A/C...plus I can ride for free !
I have no cash on me or in my bag...no debit/credit cards either. Just a card that gets me on the bus and my Driver License for ID. Thats it. So...I cant buy anything to drink no matter how much I want to !
I usually do not ride city bus for transportation. But this little extra tool in the sobriety tool box sure does help me to "Ride out" the craves now and then.
Hope this explains what my "Bug out" bag is about.
DD
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: FLAAADAH
Posts: 793
Hello everyone...it's Day 11
Weather not good outside. Raining, gray and dreary.
I awoke this AM to thunder rumbling off in the distance and I could'nt help it. The perfect sleeping weather. Determined to NOT let this opportunity pass me by...I rolled over and went right back to sleep but only for another hour or so. I sort of "Cashed in" my nap for today for a little more sleep. I finally awoke and got up to start my Day 11. I was feeling great !
I made coffee and had breakfast and then started on inside chores that need to be done. You know, chores, responsibilities, the things that we refused to be bothered with in our drinking days...and had to drag that guilt around like the proverbial ball and chain ! Besides in those day's I still wouldnt be up yet for another 4 or 5 hours. You know, it takes a while to sleep the hangover off.
I'am really starting to like sobriety. Of course , I always have and it is still baffling why we are compelled to go back to our old ways. I believe part of it is once we start to feel better, get a few things done and begin to feel better about ourselves, it's like a form of self sabotage takes over. I feel something in us wants to return to that which is familiar, comfortable, thus our "Comfort Zones" good or bad. It's something along the same lines as habit, be it a good habit or in this case a bad habit. However, bad habits require less effort to maintain and remain in them. It takes major effort to break out and stay out of your comfort zone of a bad, addictive habit and we are very reluctant to cast them off and sail away from the dock (comfort zone) for unfamiliar waters if you will.
What do you think ?
Thats all for now, more later.
DD
I awoke this AM to thunder rumbling off in the distance and I could'nt help it. The perfect sleeping weather. Determined to NOT let this opportunity pass me by...I rolled over and went right back to sleep but only for another hour or so. I sort of "Cashed in" my nap for today for a little more sleep. I finally awoke and got up to start my Day 11. I was feeling great !
I made coffee and had breakfast and then started on inside chores that need to be done. You know, chores, responsibilities, the things that we refused to be bothered with in our drinking days...and had to drag that guilt around like the proverbial ball and chain ! Besides in those day's I still wouldnt be up yet for another 4 or 5 hours. You know, it takes a while to sleep the hangover off.
I'am really starting to like sobriety. Of course , I always have and it is still baffling why we are compelled to go back to our old ways. I believe part of it is once we start to feel better, get a few things done and begin to feel better about ourselves, it's like a form of self sabotage takes over. I feel something in us wants to return to that which is familiar, comfortable, thus our "Comfort Zones" good or bad. It's something along the same lines as habit, be it a good habit or in this case a bad habit. However, bad habits require less effort to maintain and remain in them. It takes major effort to break out and stay out of your comfort zone of a bad, addictive habit and we are very reluctant to cast them off and sail away from the dock (comfort zone) for unfamiliar waters if you will.
What do you think ?
Thats all for now, more later.
DD
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 83
I notice a lot of peeps on here get pretty agitated about the details, but I feel like any progress is good and whatever helps YOU is what's important. Perhaps abstinence is not something you feel the need for cause it doesn't cause you any real problems. That's ok by me too. I'm here to support people who want to be healthier and happier. For me that means abstaining but for others that might mean drinking more mindfully to avoid future issues. Makes no difference to me 
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,429
Hi rjyerkes
We tend towards abstinence as the answer here not because it's the 'party line' or anything like that but simply because thats the only thing thats worked for the majority of us.
If someones interested in 'harm minimisation' thats their call - but I'm bound to share my experiences with harm minimisation were spectacularly unsuccessful - chiefly because after the first drink I changed, and all my good intent went out the window.
D
We tend towards abstinence as the answer here not because it's the 'party line' or anything like that but simply because thats the only thing thats worked for the majority of us.
If someones interested in 'harm minimisation' thats their call - but I'm bound to share my experiences with harm minimisation were spectacularly unsuccessful - chiefly because after the first drink I changed, and all my good intent went out the window.
D
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 350
As an addict I can't be mindful about alcohol I'm like a tap that has two settings of or full on.
Sorry I digress!
Dave
I have been reading your posts.
Love the walkabout bag with emergency food rations. I think I will put one together.
Keep posting😁
Sorry I digress!
Dave
I have been reading your posts.
Love the walkabout bag with emergency food rations. I think I will put one together.
Keep posting😁
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 269
Originally Posted by DuhDave
... it is still baffling why we are compelled to go back to our old ways. I believe part of it is once we start to feel better, get a few things done and begin to feel better about ourselves, it's like a form of self sabotage takes over. I feel something in us wants to return to that which is familiar, comfortable, thus our "Comfort Zones" good or bad. It's something along the same lines as habit, be it a good habit or in this case a bad habit. However, bad habits require less effort to maintain and remain in them. It takes major effort to break out and stay out of your comfort zone of a bad, addictive habit and we are very reluctant to cast them off and sail away from the dock (comfort zone) for unfamiliar waters if you will.
What do you think ?
DD
It’s much the same mechanism at work with alcohol. We get used to using it for that quick fix to heighten our mood. Once we’ve crossed that line from “normal” drinking to habitual/binge/alcoholic drinking we’re trapped in a catch-22 situation: We know our habit creates progressively bad consequences, but we also know how quickly alcohol can change our mood, however temporary. In addition, there are cravings that come with trying to quit this habit that can be intense at times. And it’s so much easier to pick up a bottle and give into the craving—to shut that AV up—than to do the work necessary to ride those cravings out.
The good thing is there are many ways around this catch-22! Each day, week, month, and year that we follow our plan and live a sober life our brains are being re-routed and getting further away from those old trenches.
But here's the thing--its not just cravings that cause us to self-sabotage. I know what you were referring when you say you are baffled by your tendency to fall back into the destructive habits. Because giving into cravings makes sense logically. It's those times we've gone back to drinking for seemingly no reason at all that truly boggle the mind. I've been there too.
I had a full year of sobriety back in 2006. I'd learned to live without alcohol, I was thin and fit and quite happy. And then one day we were hosting a family party and a member of my husband's family whom I dislike immensely was there. In an instant I made a decision to drink that day. I barely gave it a second thought, it was just "Ugh I can't deal with him! I haven't drank in so long, I'm gonna enjoy a few today"!
That was almost 12 years ago, and I haven't been sober for more than 30 days since then. So what the hell made me so quick to give in that day? THAT is the baffling part.
It reminds me of a song that was popular right around that time called "Into the Ocean", part of the lyrics are:
Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow
Just to prove that I knew how
There are many facets to "why" we self-sabotage; We think we're "cured", we feel normal again and are sure we can drink like normal people, the memory of the horrors of what our prior drinking did to our lives dims. When all of those factors are present and we're faced with a situation where our AV whispers in our ear "You're entitled to this, you're an adult and you've earned it!", it's the perfect storm, and those are the moments when we've jumped from the bow straight into the ocean.
It CAN be different this time, for both of us, but we have to do things differently than we’ve done in the past. I’m willing, and I hope you are too. The only way we can prevent ourselves from making the exact same mistakes is by learning from the past, taking action, and being willing to do whatever it takes to stay stopped.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: FLAAADAH
Posts: 793
Hello everyone. Day 14
I admit it, I had some rough spots today. (I'am also long-winded)
Went to the grocery store for a few things and my AV started "Yakking" and I was no where near the beer aisle. You know, the usual AV Dialogue.
"Been 2 weeks...Buddy ! (yeah like we're friends)...You're doin great ! (Yes, I'am). You know, it's the weekend...and would'nt a few beers tonight really be nice ? ( Well, yes but I would feel like crap in the morning) We'll deal with that in the morning. Right now, just grab a 4 pak of talls...that will be plenty. OK ?...whatta ya say" ?
When I finally got out of my head and stopped listening to IT and reasoning with "IT", I made a direct "Bee Line" (old Southern saying) to check out, paid for my stuff and left the store! I hadnt even gotten completely through my shopping list ! Now I was a little P***ed ! No ice cream tonight and no ice for my water and iced tea !
I just had to get out of that store! I had a real "Heart to Heart" talk with that S*B on the ride home...at the top of my lungs !...and told IT NOT TODAY !
So down the road I go. How I wish, so much, I could just roll down the window and kick IT's a** out ! but I cant.
"Hey, Dave, ole' buddy"...(there IT is starting with that buddy crap again. We were "Buddies" a long time ago but not anymore. I finally realized IT was not a buddy and was trying to dash all my hopes and dreams against the rocks which IT did for the most part !...and not only that, IT's trying to KILL me ! I know that now. No, IT is not my buddy)."You know, you can still have your ice cream and Iced Tea with your dinner tonight! You know the convience store on the corner of the road you live on...they have it. Ice cream and Ice."
(Geeze, IT just wont give up! IT thinks I'am stoopid! They have beer in that store too! I'am going home and and unload the stuff I DID get and put it way. Let IT "Jibber-Jabber" all IT wants! After all...IT's just a thought ! IT is NOT real, I'am just making IT out to be! And on top of all that IT is LIEING !!! IT knows there is beer in that store and 1 will lead to eighteen. That is why IT wants me to go in there hoping I will cave ! "Cunning" isnt IT ? Yes, IT is !
So. I'am home and I'am staying here ! I have an idea. I call the wife, she is at a grocery store also. Hmmmm , I ask her to pick me up some chocolate ice cream and a bag of ice...She says OK. It a done deal.
I decide to take a shower and lay down for a little while, until "Wifey" gets home.
"IT" is nowhere to be heard. I'am glad. I hear distant thunder rolling. It's a good time to take a nap. I do.
My first major crave...gawd...I hate "IT" !!!
Thats all for now, more later.
DD
Went to the grocery store for a few things and my AV started "Yakking" and I was no where near the beer aisle. You know, the usual AV Dialogue.
"Been 2 weeks...Buddy ! (yeah like we're friends)...You're doin great ! (Yes, I'am). You know, it's the weekend...and would'nt a few beers tonight really be nice ? ( Well, yes but I would feel like crap in the morning) We'll deal with that in the morning. Right now, just grab a 4 pak of talls...that will be plenty. OK ?...whatta ya say" ?
When I finally got out of my head and stopped listening to IT and reasoning with "IT", I made a direct "Bee Line" (old Southern saying) to check out, paid for my stuff and left the store! I hadnt even gotten completely through my shopping list ! Now I was a little P***ed ! No ice cream tonight and no ice for my water and iced tea !
I just had to get out of that store! I had a real "Heart to Heart" talk with that S*B on the ride home...at the top of my lungs !...and told IT NOT TODAY !
So down the road I go. How I wish, so much, I could just roll down the window and kick IT's a** out ! but I cant.
"Hey, Dave, ole' buddy"...(there IT is starting with that buddy crap again. We were "Buddies" a long time ago but not anymore. I finally realized IT was not a buddy and was trying to dash all my hopes and dreams against the rocks which IT did for the most part !...and not only that, IT's trying to KILL me ! I know that now. No, IT is not my buddy)."You know, you can still have your ice cream and Iced Tea with your dinner tonight! You know the convience store on the corner of the road you live on...they have it. Ice cream and Ice."
(Geeze, IT just wont give up! IT thinks I'am stoopid! They have beer in that store too! I'am going home and and unload the stuff I DID get and put it way. Let IT "Jibber-Jabber" all IT wants! After all...IT's just a thought ! IT is NOT real, I'am just making IT out to be! And on top of all that IT is LIEING !!! IT knows there is beer in that store and 1 will lead to eighteen. That is why IT wants me to go in there hoping I will cave ! "Cunning" isnt IT ? Yes, IT is !
So. I'am home and I'am staying here ! I have an idea. I call the wife, she is at a grocery store also. Hmmmm , I ask her to pick me up some chocolate ice cream and a bag of ice...She says OK. It a done deal.
I decide to take a shower and lay down for a little while, until "Wifey" gets home.
"IT" is nowhere to be heard. I'am glad. I hear distant thunder rolling. It's a good time to take a nap. I do.
My first major crave...gawd...I hate "IT" !!!
Thats all for now, more later.
DD
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: North Yorkshire UK
Posts: 765
Originally Posted by BrandNewDay11
Hey Dave. I too have been baffled by my tendency to fall back into destructive habits, not just with alcohol. I have struggled with binge eating as well and have had huge weight fluctuations most of my adult life. When my eating would catch up with me and I gained weight I would get disgusted with my appearance, go on a diet and lose it all. As soon as I was slim I’d slowly fall back into my old ways and inevitably start gaining again. I think once I was no longer fat I’d feel “cured” and would get complacent. Just like when water flows in the same direction long enough it creates a groove, my brain would always slip back to those old ways—it was so much more comfortable to follow those unhealthy but comfortable trenches rather than put in the work and try to carve a new permanent groove in my mind/behavior.
It’s much the same mechanism at work with alcohol. We get used to using it for that quick fix to heighten our mood. Once we’ve crossed that line from “normal” drinking to habitual/binge/alcoholic drinking we’re trapped in a catch-22 situation: We know our habit creates progressively bad consequences, but we also know how quickly alcohol can change our mood, however temporary. In addition, there are cravings that come with trying to quit this habit that can be intense at times. And it’s so much easier to pick up a bottle and give into the craving—to shut that AV up—than to do the work necessary to ride those cravings out.
The good thing is there are many ways around this catch-22! Each day, week, month, and year that we follow our plan and live a sober life our brains are being re-routed and getting further away from those old trenches.
But here's the thing--its not just cravings that cause us to self-sabotage. I know what you were referring when you say you are baffled by your tendency to fall back into the destructive habits. Because giving into cravings makes sense logically. It's those times we've gone back to drinking for seemingly no reason at all that truly boggle the mind. I've been there too.
I had a full year of sobriety back in 2006. I'd learned to live without alcohol, I was thin and fit and quite happy. And then one day we were hosting a family party and a member of my husband's family whom I dislike immensely was there. In an instant I made a decision to drink that day. I barely gave it a second thought, it was just "Ugh I can't deal with him! I haven't drank in so long, I'm gonna enjoy a few today"!
That was almost 12 years ago, and I haven't been sober for more than 30 days since then. So what the hell made me so quick to give in that day? THAT is the baffling part.
It reminds me of a song that was popular right around that time called "Into the Ocean", part of the lyrics are:
Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow
Just to prove that I knew how
There are many facets to "why" we self-sabotage; We think we're "cured", we feel normal again and are sure we can drink like normal people, the memory of the horrors of what our prior drinking did to our lives dims. When all of those factors are present and we're faced with a situation where our AV whispers in our ear "You're entitled to this, you're an adult and you've earned it!", it's the perfect storm, and those are the moments when we've jumped from the bow straight into the ocean.
It CAN be different this time, for both of us, but we have to do things differently than we’ve done in the past. I’m willing, and I hope you are too. The only way we can prevent ourselves from making the exact same mistakes is by learning from the past, taking action, and being willing to do whatever it takes to stay stopped.
It’s much the same mechanism at work with alcohol. We get used to using it for that quick fix to heighten our mood. Once we’ve crossed that line from “normal” drinking to habitual/binge/alcoholic drinking we’re trapped in a catch-22 situation: We know our habit creates progressively bad consequences, but we also know how quickly alcohol can change our mood, however temporary. In addition, there are cravings that come with trying to quit this habit that can be intense at times. And it’s so much easier to pick up a bottle and give into the craving—to shut that AV up—than to do the work necessary to ride those cravings out.
The good thing is there are many ways around this catch-22! Each day, week, month, and year that we follow our plan and live a sober life our brains are being re-routed and getting further away from those old trenches.
But here's the thing--its not just cravings that cause us to self-sabotage. I know what you were referring when you say you are baffled by your tendency to fall back into the destructive habits. Because giving into cravings makes sense logically. It's those times we've gone back to drinking for seemingly no reason at all that truly boggle the mind. I've been there too.
I had a full year of sobriety back in 2006. I'd learned to live without alcohol, I was thin and fit and quite happy. And then one day we were hosting a family party and a member of my husband's family whom I dislike immensely was there. In an instant I made a decision to drink that day. I barely gave it a second thought, it was just "Ugh I can't deal with him! I haven't drank in so long, I'm gonna enjoy a few today"!
That was almost 12 years ago, and I haven't been sober for more than 30 days since then. So what the hell made me so quick to give in that day? THAT is the baffling part.
It reminds me of a song that was popular right around that time called "Into the Ocean", part of the lyrics are:
Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow
Just to prove that I knew how
There are many facets to "why" we self-sabotage; We think we're "cured", we feel normal again and are sure we can drink like normal people, the memory of the horrors of what our prior drinking did to our lives dims. When all of those factors are present and we're faced with a situation where our AV whispers in our ear "You're entitled to this, you're an adult and you've earned it!", it's the perfect storm, and those are the moments when we've jumped from the bow straight into the ocean.
It CAN be different this time, for both of us, but we have to do things differently than we’ve done in the past. I’m willing, and I hope you are too. The only way we can prevent ourselves from making the exact same mistakes is by learning from the past, taking action, and being willing to do whatever it takes to stay stopped.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: FLAAADAH
Posts: 793
Welcome to Day 17...
I guess I better check in and let you know Day 17 is going smoothly. Dont really have much to report.
Weather has been off and on storms and lots of rain. I'am just holed up and getting a good bit of sleep. Thats the part I like most.
I've been making myself eat. Seems I have lost my appetite. I'am snacking too much and have become rehydrated. I'am trying to replace the "bad" snacks with good snacks (fruit and yogurt which I really like). Strawberries, bananas, grapes, Watermelon, cantaloupe, etc... Things I can pretty much eat all I want of.
My sugar craves have diminished. I think I'am getting my sugar from the fruit which is much more healthier.
So, I'am sleeping quite good actually. My sleep is just "fractured". By that I mean my circadian rhythum is a little out of whack and it will take a little time to get it back.
All in all I'am doing quite well. I have noticed a little more strenght has returned. Some things that were a real burden for me are getting easier now. My energy is still in a slump as well as my desire and motivation to get things done but that will return soon, I believe.
My depression has lifted greatly but not when I begin my workout routine in earnest I think a lot of it will fade. Those in the know say that "regular, sustained excercise is better in minimizing depression than any medication in use, or in developement today" I think I'll put it to the test.
Thats all for now, more later.
DD
Weather has been off and on storms and lots of rain. I'am just holed up and getting a good bit of sleep. Thats the part I like most.
I've been making myself eat. Seems I have lost my appetite. I'am snacking too much and have become rehydrated. I'am trying to replace the "bad" snacks with good snacks (fruit and yogurt which I really like). Strawberries, bananas, grapes, Watermelon, cantaloupe, etc... Things I can pretty much eat all I want of.
My sugar craves have diminished. I think I'am getting my sugar from the fruit which is much more healthier.
So, I'am sleeping quite good actually. My sleep is just "fractured". By that I mean my circadian rhythum is a little out of whack and it will take a little time to get it back.
All in all I'am doing quite well. I have noticed a little more strenght has returned. Some things that were a real burden for me are getting easier now. My energy is still in a slump as well as my desire and motivation to get things done but that will return soon, I believe.
My depression has lifted greatly but not when I begin my workout routine in earnest I think a lot of it will fade. Those in the know say that "regular, sustained excercise is better in minimizing depression than any medication in use, or in developement today" I think I'll put it to the test.
Thats all for now, more later.
DD
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: FLAAADAH
Posts: 793
Day 28...so what.
I think my depression is giving me a fit lately. I have not really wanted to post because I'am sweating coming up on 30 days. I know...thats crazy but I'am trying to make myself realize that 30 days is a wonderful acheivment to make but for some reason it feels like a final goal to me that feels like when I make it...thats it. Game over. Now I can go back to being ....me again. Drinking and being stoopid.
I thought about going to an AA meeting and picking up a 30 day chip but...I dont know. Another "Finality nail" in the coffin of the "Old Me".
I know the old me has to die and the new me has to be born but it scares me. At least I can see how "F" ed up that sounds...like me as well.
I'am worryed about me in the long haul. I just dont see it happening. This is really a different ploy that (I think) my AV is using to start me doubting myself...and it's working. I dont know how to fight this or defend myself from this type of attack. I might get my 30 days but after that?...is anybodies guess.
I'am a mess, more so than I thought.
Sorry for the negitivity. Seems thats all I have been feeling for the last couple of weeks.
DD
I thought about going to an AA meeting and picking up a 30 day chip but...I dont know. Another "Finality nail" in the coffin of the "Old Me".
I know the old me has to die and the new me has to be born but it scares me. At least I can see how "F" ed up that sounds...like me as well.
I'am worryed about me in the long haul. I just dont see it happening. This is really a different ploy that (I think) my AV is using to start me doubting myself...and it's working. I dont know how to fight this or defend myself from this type of attack. I might get my 30 days but after that?...is anybodies guess.
I'am a mess, more so than I thought.
Sorry for the negitivity. Seems thats all I have been feeling for the last couple of weeks.
DD
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Dave have you asked someone to sponsor you through the steps yet? If not, it def worth considering. I realky did just want to die before I embarked on that work. It gave me a new perspective. And wasn't so much as a death of the old me, as a death of the false me that's allowed they little seed of the true me to grow and blossom as I pruned away the dead wood. Of course, our AVs don't want us to get rid of that dead wood. If we're gonna drink on anything it'll be the dead wood. AVs live a bit of dead wood.!
I love your bug bag idea. To my own bug bag I'd have to add in the list of AA meetings and some AA numbers so can call someone and talk that stuff thorough.
Hope you go pick up that chip soon.
BB
I love your bug bag idea. To my own bug bag I'd have to add in the list of AA meetings and some AA numbers so can call someone and talk that stuff thorough.
Hope you go pick up that chip soon.
BB
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