Help me find hope on Day 2
The opposite of addiction is connection.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 373
Help me find hope on Day 2
I’ve been on and off this board for a long time and am in the serial relapser camp. I’m 50 years old and have been fighting this relentless thing called alcoholism for well over a decade. I’ve gone to treatment, been hospitalized half a dozen times, and experienced the awful process of starting Day 1 over and over again. I’ve created recovery plans, been to AA and therapy, tried SMART, you name it, I’ve tried it.
As I reflect on yet another Day 2, I think about what to do differently. I live alone and loneliness is a trigger, but I’m also dealing with a deeper revelation that I just don’t know how to “feel”. How it feels to truly despair or truly find joy. I can intellectualize that I need to make sobriety the number 1 priority, but I don’t know what true determination feels like. I don’t know how to feel empathy with myself and others, though I know it’s vital. This isn’t something I can just turn off and on, and I worry if I will ever succeed without it. Does anyone else struggle with this? How do I make this Day 2 different?
As I reflect on yet another Day 2, I think about what to do differently. I live alone and loneliness is a trigger, but I’m also dealing with a deeper revelation that I just don’t know how to “feel”. How it feels to truly despair or truly find joy. I can intellectualize that I need to make sobriety the number 1 priority, but I don’t know what true determination feels like. I don’t know how to feel empathy with myself and others, though I know it’s vital. This isn’t something I can just turn off and on, and I worry if I will ever succeed without it. Does anyone else struggle with this? How do I make this Day 2 different?
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
What was different...beside drinking, when you posted this?
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ck-please.html (My Recovery Plan: Feedback Please)
Maybe you can turn it on. You just choose not to.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ck-please.html (My Recovery Plan: Feedback Please)
Maybe you can turn it on. You just choose not to.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Nevada
Posts: 157
I quit many times in the past. When it hit, when my mind was made up it was on. You can do it, I have faith in you. Like least always said, "You have to not want to drink more than you want to drink" I think there is a lot of truth in that statement.
Peace
TC
Peace
TC
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
I can intellectualize that I need to make sobriety the number 1 priority, but I don’t know what true determination feels like. I don’t know how to feel empathy with myself and others, though I know it’s vital.
Pinnacle,
just thinking here that maybe how these things "feel" is not as important as how they "look", meaning : how you show them. meaning: the actions possibly precede the feelings.
i know what determination looks like when i see what determined people
.
i know what empathy looks like when i see what empathetic people do.
Pinnacle,
just thinking here that maybe how these things "feel" is not as important as how they "look", meaning : how you show them. meaning: the actions possibly precede the feelings.
i know what determination looks like when i see what determined people
.
i know what empathy looks like when i see what empathetic people do.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I don't think life circumstances can be blamed. Alcohol tickles our pleasure center. It makes everything fun and happy. For a minute.
I got to the place where I was drinking earlier and earlier in the day. I wanted to get the party started earlier.
Then I got to the place where the party only lasted an hour or less; I spent the rest of the day trying to chase that feeling and all I ever got was misery and regret. 23 hours of misery and regret were no longer a price I wanted to pay for one hour or less of the party.
It took a long time without a drink for me to feel anything other than resentment, shame, confusion, anger, self-pity. I started to glimpse life without alcohol at about 90 days. I didn't feel normal or back to myself for nearly a year.
Have you ever gotten that much time? Don't give up before you get there. It's so worth it. Now I have hope, joy, peace, tolerance, understanding, forgiveness, gratitude.
I got to the place where I was drinking earlier and earlier in the day. I wanted to get the party started earlier.
Then I got to the place where the party only lasted an hour or less; I spent the rest of the day trying to chase that feeling and all I ever got was misery and regret. 23 hours of misery and regret were no longer a price I wanted to pay for one hour or less of the party.
It took a long time without a drink for me to feel anything other than resentment, shame, confusion, anger, self-pity. I started to glimpse life without alcohol at about 90 days. I didn't feel normal or back to myself for nearly a year.
Have you ever gotten that much time? Don't give up before you get there. It's so worth it. Now I have hope, joy, peace, tolerance, understanding, forgiveness, gratitude.
The opposite of addiction is connection.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 373
When is a choice not a choice because the AV convinces me to choose incorrectly? I know the AV is wrong, but in the moment of decision (drink or not drink) it constantly wins out over all reason.
I have had a hard time committing to anything in my life- friends, partners, causes, myself, you name it. I honestly don’t know what it feels like - good or bad- to truly commit and not turn back. I hear “line in the sand”, and “don’t turn back” - what does that actually feel like? Are you elated? Scared? What do you DO to not turn back, ever?
I have had a hard time committing to anything in my life- friends, partners, causes, myself, you name it. I honestly don’t know what it feels like - good or bad- to truly commit and not turn back. I hear “line in the sand”, and “don’t turn back” - what does that actually feel like? Are you elated? Scared? What do you DO to not turn back, ever?
The opposite of addiction is connection.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 373
Originally Posted by fini 
I can intellectualize that I need to make sobriety the number 1 priority, but I don’t know what true determination feels like. I don’t know how to feel empathy with myself and others, though I know it’s vital.
Pinnacle,
just thinking here that maybe how these things "feel" is not as important as how they "look", meaning : how you show them. meaning: the actions possibly precede the feelings.
i know what determination looks like when i see what determined people
.
i know what empathy looks like when i see what empathetic people do.
Pinnacle,
just thinking here that maybe how these things "feel" is not as important as how they "look", meaning : how you show them. meaning: the actions possibly precede the feelings.
i know what determination looks like when i see what determined people
.
i know what empathy looks like when i see what empathetic people do.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by PinnacleOR
I honestly don’t know what it feels like - good or bad- to truly commit and not turn back. I hear “line in the sand”, and “don’t turn back” - what does that actually feel like? Are you elated? Scared? What do you DO to not turn back, ever?
Commitment? I don't know if it equates to a feeling. Not everything does. Actions aren't feelings, nor do they have to rely on feelings. You say you are going to do something, and then you do it. You don't change your mind, you don't reason your way out of it.
You've not committed to anything your whole life? Not school? Not work?
Pretty committed to drinking, though, so you know how to commit. You just can't expect the immediate reward of drinking. Recovery is like physical therapy...you can't wait until you feel like it. You have to just do it. So just do it. Put down the drink.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
I believe all alcoholics are capable of sobriety, but not all alcoholics attain sobriety. Its how bad you want it, how important is it to you? I made it the most important thing in my life for about 3 months. I put all other "things" on the back burner. I had to. You can too.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
When is a choice not a choice because the AV convinces me to choose incorrectly?
For me, when I'm mid bender and very physically addicted it feels like drinking is not a choice. But it still is, because I can call for help (as in 911) and have many times (ugh). But once I've detoxed, that first drink is my choice, for sure.
The AV? Its not me. It wants what it wants and I choose whether or not I listen to it.
I had to find that 'thing' or reason that keeps me from picking up. You and I are close in age (53 in August). I am also alone a lot. I don't have to be if I don't want to be. AA and the amazing people in those meetings are always there. And churches. And volunteer groups. And meetups. And exercise groups. I don't have to be alone.
I had to accept that alcohol absolutely did not work anymore. Its all a lie that I have been trying to prove true for way to long. That acceptance, that I cannot drink no matter what and I won't change my mind, is the foundation. Then I build from there. Without it, whatever I do or say is really just window decoration.
You can do this.
For me, when I'm mid bender and very physically addicted it feels like drinking is not a choice. But it still is, because I can call for help (as in 911) and have many times (ugh). But once I've detoxed, that first drink is my choice, for sure.
The AV? Its not me. It wants what it wants and I choose whether or not I listen to it.
I had to find that 'thing' or reason that keeps me from picking up. You and I are close in age (53 in August). I am also alone a lot. I don't have to be if I don't want to be. AA and the amazing people in those meetings are always there. And churches. And volunteer groups. And meetups. And exercise groups. I don't have to be alone.
I had to accept that alcohol absolutely did not work anymore. Its all a lie that I have been trying to prove true for way to long. That acceptance, that I cannot drink no matter what and I won't change my mind, is the foundation. Then I build from there. Without it, whatever I do or say is really just window decoration.
You can do this.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Pinnacle,
i spent months and months, sober months, on what i call "the choice thing".
at other moments thought of as the control thing, or the power thing, or the agency thing.
i also contemplated this endlessly while literally lifting the bottle and drinking the booze.
i spent years trying to make this all into a reasonable rational thing. which i could therefore reason my way out of.
but i couldn't. my alcoholism is an irrational condition.
i figured this out after a while sober, though in the decades of drinking it sure FELT irrational but i refused to accept it.
hm. have lost my train of thought here....eventually, after a while being sober, i nderstood i needed to change my way of living, so to speak, and found the 12-step program was exactly the right wAy forward for me.
i spent months and months, sober months, on what i call "the choice thing".
at other moments thought of as the control thing, or the power thing, or the agency thing.
i also contemplated this endlessly while literally lifting the bottle and drinking the booze.
i spent years trying to make this all into a reasonable rational thing. which i could therefore reason my way out of.
but i couldn't. my alcoholism is an irrational condition.
i figured this out after a while sober, though in the decades of drinking it sure FELT irrational but i refused to accept it.
hm. have lost my train of thought here....eventually, after a while being sober, i nderstood i needed to change my way of living, so to speak, and found the 12-step program was exactly the right wAy forward for me.
The opposite of addiction is connection.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 373
On Day 3 here, just had a big healthy brekkie and am going to go through my recovery plan morning routine. Thanks for the comments, i especially appreciated the ideas of actions before emotions and of aliking alcoholism to physical therapy. Managing an insidious disease means work, and if I am to survive I need to work it every day as priority 1. My AV wants me to forget all of this and will do its best to kill me if I let it. Not this time!
Feeling a bit achey today and didn’t sleep well but lots more hope and determination than yesterday. Will be hitting a meeting later today.
Feeling a bit achey today and didn’t sleep well but lots more hope and determination than yesterday. Will be hitting a meeting later today.
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