sweetichick

I have always found people in AA helpful. Mind you I have only six friends so far but isn't that enough. I have been in and out of AA 14 years so maybe that's why.please keep trying. I have never found AA to be unsupportive. Unless I am just lucky.

Dee74

If you want to talk about the stress we're all ears John

D

2muchpain

I create a lot of the stress myself. I set these goals to get this done and that done and I wear myself out. I could easily cut back on stuff, but I get into this mindset that I have to get all these things done. I think it's the OCD in me. I have to work a certain number of hours/days a week, I have to go to the gym a certain number of days and increase the time on the cardio machines (120-140 minutes at least five times a week). Takes around 3 and a half hours each time to do this. I make a things to do list that I MUST get done. Then I have had a lot of appointments while keeping this up. So, I have been running around the clock to get all this done. Very little down time. I can be pretty hard on myself. I expect a lot from myself. Don't know where it comes from. My OCD has been really kicking in lately. Probably due to the stress I put on myself. This might not sound like much to most people, but it's pretty much a 24/7 job to get all this done. But today, I'm making myself stay home, relax and get some stuff done at home. John

2muchpain

Will be working a lot next week. Plus I have to get my 600 to 700 minutes of cardio in and do something with the weights, and I have another appointment. and of course, my things to do list that I MUST get done. John

entropy1964

And hopefully you won't drink today I know for sure, for me, I cannot think clearly about pretty much anything until I'm sober. And sober for at least 30 days....sometimes more like 90 before I start making sense.

Just don't drink, no matter what. Post here. That is one thing you can cross off your to do list that will make the rest of the to do list much easier. Maybe not today, but in the coming days.

entropy1964

Why MUST you get 600-700 minutes of cardio in this week? Maybe relax that expectation. Put 30-45 minutes a day on the list. That level of cardio probably has no real health impact other than burning you out. Especially if you are drinking with it.

I have anxiety disorder (not just from alcohol). It is on me to own this and to do what I must do to make my body as healthy as possible, to defend against the anxiety. When my body is out of whack from drinking and too much of anything really, i have no defenses against my anxiety and my own thinking is my worst enemy. I MUST seek balance, even if that is not what my unhealthy thinking wants. I also make lists. But I put healthy objectives on them. And I am the only one that can make that happen.

2muchpain

I need that much cardio time cause my brain says I need it. It's like telling someone with an eating disorder to just eat more. Just not as simple as you think. John

Carlotta

hi John

I am glad you are feeling better today.

I have some OCD tendencies myself so I can relate to you and I know how hard it is to pull the breaks when we get caught in that "vortex" (I have no other word to describe it). I also know how easily it is to obsess if we manage to not succomb to it.

An example for me is if I am having a bad day and start compulsively checking to make sure doors and windows are locked before heading out.

I ll stand up to myself and say it is ridiculous and force myself to move on but I have to really put myself into a mindful state or the thought that the door might be open could really creep up on me for hours and give me a lot of anxiety.

OCD: when things have to be or be done a certain way yet the rational part of our brain realize that it is obsessive and crazy. It's like an inner fight, a lot like the fight between the AV and your real self.

I have become a thousand time better with it thanks to meditation and mindfulness but I still can have traces of it when I get stressed out.

Anyway, just wanted to say that I understand how it feels.
Since you seem to really struggle with OCD and also compulsive exercising (which can also be a sign of eating disorder) I would suggest you go see a doctor about it. Also look into meditation if you are so inclined,

There is nothing to be ashamed off in seeking help! That goes for alcoholism but also for physical and mental health too


Anyway, I am glad you decided to quit again John. You know we are here for you and I m glad you are here and help so many newbies.

Time to do some self care for John too


Edited to add (and I m sure you will get me LOL) There is NOT such a thing as a magic number

doggonecarl

This bears re-reading, John.

Friends don't fall out of the sky. They are cultivated, like a plants. It takes action on your part. It's not easy; rejection is painful. But isn't loneliness painful too?

DarklingSong

I don't have any helpful advice John.......just wanted to say I am thinking of you. Hope things are better today.

Wholesome

I posted this on a different thread because this is something I am also trying to figure out right now. It's definitely different to make new friends as an adult, and as a non drinker. I've come to realize that it's not going to happen on its own and it's going to involve risk and stepping outside my comfort zone. Personally I've decided I'm going to join a rowing club that is down the street because I love the water, and I'm joining a book club because I love to read. Maybe I'll make a new friend or maybe I'll just have a new experience. But I think following what interests me is the way to go.

I think we can get caught up in negative thought patterns and it takes action to break out of them.

Here's the article though. I found it helpful, hope you do too.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeands...-leap-of-faith

One thing is for sure, getting drunk over it isn't going to fix it.

August252015

I can't change others, or life itself, but I can change me. I finally had do to that, no matter what.

For me, finally, "accepting" AA and then working the program, which started with me (not looking for friends, but looking at myself then progressing to relationships with my sponsor THEN others). ... led to a recovered life.

Like Scott and others said, I wish you sobriety and a good life. It's possible for all of us who want it, IMO.

Dee74

If your OCD is causing you problems John, and you find it hard to manage it yourself, have you seen anyone about it lately?

Like Carlotta said, there's no shame in seeking help

D

SoberLeigh

John, your PM box is full

2muchpain

I did talk with my psychiatrist about it some time ago. He said the medication I am taking for depression and anxiety should help some. So I guess it could be worse. John

entropy1964

My drinking, along with a lot of other behaviors that I engage in, are obsessive compulsive in nature. My father has OCD, trichotillomania, anxiety and depression (oh and alcoholism). My oldest brother has OCD, depression, anxiety...poor guy, 61, lives at home with my parents. Interestingly, they now have severe dementia and he has had to become a caregiver to them. This responsibility has forced him to change. He is still very handicapped, but not nearly as much as he used to be. Helping other people has in turn helped him. He still suffers (he wanted to shop with me.....I had to wait 2 hours for him to make his shopping list in excel, print it out with the proper colors...but I waited because I had things I wanted to talk to him about and he focuses best while in the car) but he has improved so much. I mention this simply to suggest that there is hope. But it does start with you. Make that list, write on the list 30 minutes of cardio. Then force yourself to stop. Maybe put on the list to sit in the steam room, sauna, shower etc. I know its another ritual, but its breaking an unhealthy pattern. Mostly get help. For me my counselor made me face the things that caused anxiety, over and over. One of the big ones was the sexual abuse by another one of my brothers. I don't like to face it but I had to because it was affecting so many other areas of my life....even 40 years after the fact. I was stuck in rituals and lists because it gave me the sensation of control. I also have disordered eating. Again, it was an attempt to assert control. Letting go starts with small changes. But assure you, if you continue to drink, you will continue to be stuck.

2muchpain

Thanks. Will clear it today. John

entropy1964

For me meds never worked for OCD (I'm not suggesting they don't work for you). But I believe behavior modification is really necessary along with the meds. Finding what is causing the extreme anxiety that drives the need to obsess (usually about the anxiety and what caused it) and compulse with behaviors that relieve the anxiety....giving the illusion of control. Facing those anxiety inducing feelings, situations, or memories with a counselor over and over until they lose some of their power. Well, that's what worked for me.

2muchpain

Thanks. I do know fear is a big reason for my OCD. Fear of something bad that will happen if I don't go through my rituals. Ironically, the more depressed I am, the less my OCD is a problem. Probably cause I get that I don't care attitude when I'm feeling down. John

entropy1964

I think I understand what you are saying. My drinking eases my anxiety but increases my depression. For me physically my depression and my anxiety are quite opposite in nature. And when I first quit drinking my anxiety skyrockets so I have all that Adrenalin pumping and my desire to 'do' becomes obsessive. It keeps my mind off the anxiety a bit....but its really uncomfortable. It can take a month of so for the 'alcohol' induced anxiety to ease....even a little longer. So its staying sober long enough to see the anxiety ease up a bit, that is the key.

For me drinking screws with my brain chemistry so badly that its a bit of a roller coaster for a while. And I mean, like 4 months. Up and down. Feeling everything, feeling nothing. Irritated, blissful. Ugh. But I can't go over it or under it, only through it.

Acceptance is so important for me. Knowing that I control so little and learning to be ok with that. All the fear in the world, and the desire to control the fear, is not going to change anything.

John get a good behavioral modification therapist. Cognitive behavioral therapy. Maybe consider rehab because at least you'd be within safe walls for 30 days and not able to drink. Find a facility that works with dual diagnosis.

You have my sympathies, but that's the hard part of it, the first steps start in your brain. You're here...I think you know what you need to do.