Odd Mood
 

The move is done. Last night was the first night in the new place. I love it.

I've been buzzed with the energy of working the plan. Getting things done and making decisions has been empowering. I feel I've been on the offensive rather than sitting back feeling sorry for myself. I'm grateful for it.

All that said, I think today was a crash of sorts. Like, now that the process I've been so focused on the last week or so is largely done I feel empty. It's a general malaise. A cocktail of emotions. None overpowering, but none of them pleasant. I feel restless.

There's no single source. It's the combination of pressures. Legal stuff looming over my head from the OWI, still the house to sell and the work to do to get it there, my mother has a few health issues that have slammed me in the face with the reality that time is short - she's like a best friend to me, professional complexities and pressures that don't seem to have an immediate answer, etc. etc. etc..

It's just going to be like this for awhile. Cleaning up the wreckage and having the looming OWI issue create layers on layers of issues to work around. It's been 10 weeks of almost non-stop 'solve one problem, look up and see 5 others staring me in the face.'

It gets exhausting.

Yes, a little self pity mixed into the malaise I described above.

I'm going to take this weekend to organize the new place and rest. I'm not going to deal with the house - or any other issues for that matter. I'm leaving the office tomorrow at noon. Going to run a few errands and get myself set up for a very comfortable weekend.

I want to focus on a couple of simple new habits now that I'm in the new place. Meditation is one of them. I need my mind more than ever right now. At the moment I feel fried.

Thanks for letting me vent.

B

Getting some well-deserved rest will do wonders for you Buckley. Glad you posted. Best wishes to your mother as well.

Nice work Buck, glad to see things are moving well on your end.

I know that restless feeling too well - and I think it can lead guys like us back towards ambivalence and then, of course, the bottle.

What are you doing for mediation? I took TM classes years ago that I still utilize. Sam Harris is a great resources and so is Tara Brach - but maybe you know this already.

I know I have to pour myself into activities to flush out that restlessness/ennui/malaise - for me it's the gym with heavy weights ha. But what are you going to do for yourself, other than take care of your obligations, that will keep you moving in the right direction?

Congrats again though man.

Buck,

imo...my brain doesn't find as much natural happiness anymore...like a brain never impacted by years of alcohol consumption.

It is getting better though. Since I understand what I did to myself and generally what is going on inside my head, I can deal with it.

Before SR, it was a mystery.

When I read posts that say...I don't know why I can't stop drinking...or...why do I feel this way...I try an offer the scientific approach. That is what got me this far.

I fully fear that I could relapse...I am an addict for the rest of my life. I have come so far in the last few years.

There is nothing good that comes from ingesting mind altering substances like booze. It is a learned behavior that has been handed down from generations of unknowing folks that were addicted from a young age.

We here are lucky to have the awareness and the desire. We can try to break the cycle for those that will listen and trust.

Thanks.

Me too. Thanks for the reminder. I haven't meditated for a few days. I need to take care of my brain. Without training and supervision my brain becomes a toddler holding a knife and running through the living room. Disaster is just a misstep away, and it doesn't know any better. :)

Congrats on your move. Have a great weekend! :You_Rock_

Thanks gang.

Mojo was back today. I got 7 hours of sleep... go figure that lack of sleep = bad mood. Who knew? :lmao Also had a fantastic conversation with my best friend this morning - he's like a brother. And he knows a lot about my profession so was able to help frame some great perspective on things that I can use. Once again I'm grateful for my amazing inner circle. They've been there every. single. time.

@less - great questions. I've just started some basic stretches on ye old Yoga mat. Practicing form for my 35 pound kettle bell. It makes me scared. If I were to pick it up and start swings, cleans, and jerks I fear I wouldn't be able to walk for a month. :) So yea... I've started my morning just doing the motions without the weight. Will likely keep doing that through next week then take the plunge. Can't wait.

As for meditation - I'm not really doing much other than focusing on breathing. And if I'm honest right now it's difficult for me to sit still and simply breathe deeply in and out 10 times. How pathetic eh? I'll get there though. And hey...thanks for the references - I didn't know and I'll be checking 'em out.

@D122y - I get what you are saying. But, my brain has never NOT been impacted by alcohol. So I don't really know what that kind of experience is like. Never will. I do know that I'm gradually finding an inner satisfaction and peace that I've not experienced before, and I like it a lot.

@Nonsensical - the toddler holding the knife image - cracked me up. Exactly where I was on Thursday. Mr. Poopypants. :lmao

-B

Moving's always a bit of a mixed bag for me- excitement and dread, optimism and fear in equal measures.

I hope you'll quickly settle in Buckley and regard this new place as your home. Having a secure home base tends to help me with all the other stuff in my life :)

D