Buckley3

Checking in quick. The move is in full swing. I’ve not had access to my PC for a couple of days, so writing this from my phone. Apologies now for typos caused by six thumb syndrome. :P

Sober still. Hitting a local AA meeting this Sunday from the new pad. Outpatient starts next week. So getting that moving. I think I have something like 13 weeks this Friday- haven’t counted in a bit.

Overall this move is great. I’ve been very up and am at peace with it all.

That said... there’s been more than a few moments of naustalgia. I built this place. Had my own home building biz back then (10 years ago). Paid peeps I knew to get it through drywall then did everything myself from there- hardwood floors, ceramic tile, trim, kitchen, countertops, doors, etc etc. Memories have come flooding back as I’ve started the purge. Long hours on weekends and week nights. I set the kitchen cabinets on one long Saturday during a snowstorm. 5am to like 2am the next day almost non stop. There were a lot of weekends like that.

All happened during my last serious relationship. She painted, stained the windows, and generally kept me going so I could do the work. We moved in together. It was during my 2 year stint booze free back in 04-06... though I was still smoking weed. We split in early 06. I started drinking again just before, heavily after. And here I am 12 years later finally tying a knot in that chapter of my life story.

I’m deep in the middle of cleaning up. It’s yet another process of facing the years of neglect, depression, and rot of alcoholism. Smoke stains, cobwebs, little projects half assed, little projects started and not finished. Occasionally I get pangs of what could’ve beens. As the place empties I feel like I could finish those little things. I feel less of the overwhelming crush this place has had me in for 10 years. It’s both symbolic and real. I’ve been carrying the memory of a deep and loving relationship failed, treading water on the financial responsibility, in denial and neglect at the overwhelming nature of the upkeep and responsibility of it all. And all that in the backdrop of living in a smallish town I’ve come to despise and undermining it all while mired in alcoholism.

Good riddance.

It’s not been easy to face. But necessary. Temporary. I plan to spend my first night in the new pad tonight. Furniture arrives this afternoon. Back online this evening. I’m going to take this coming weekend to settle in and enjoy the new digs, the fresh, simple start. I’m in a race now to sell before they can foreclose but despite that pressure I’ve promised myself that I’m taking care of me first - my spirit, my health, my sobriety. I’m going to make the new place home - right now. I want that as a foundation to return here, do what I have to do, face what I have to face, and be done with it. It’s a big deal.

The first thing I ever wrote at SR was “3rd OWI - Game Changer.” It’s been all of that. Not pleasant for sure. Serious and I take it so. But in time it will prove to be perhaps the most important thing that’s ever happened to me. And it’s leading to the most constructive and positive turn in my life. I will not be a victim nor victimize myself ever again.

-B

lessgravity

F yes my man Buck.

Strength and obligation and confidence in your words. A lot to go through, but seems you're suited for it, sober.

Here's to new beginnings.

Let us know how the move goes. And congrats on getting by sober.