Why I can never drink again....and why I am more than ok with that.
 

Back in June 2015 my drinking was at its worst it had ever been. I was drinking a lot. I’d experience black outs, put myself in some very dangerous situations. I had lost all control, of my mind and my body.

I’d wake up each morning, shaking, dry heaving and sweating not knowing what I know now that I was in withdrawal. I couldnt eat, as any food I tried to eat came straight back up again, I desperately didnt want to drink again but the only thing which made me feel better was another drink and so that cycle continued all over again.

I lost control. My drinking scared me, as I didnt know how much or when it would take me to either pass out, or become uncontrollable in my actions, or my words. Sometimes i’d become violent. I didnt care for my family and I didnt care for myself.

My mental health was at and all time low, I tried to kill myself and I also self harmed. I was very very ill.

One night, after having been drinking around the clock, I hadnt passed out and I was screaming to my long suffering husband that I wanted more “get me more” and he burst into tears said I was killing myself. Something just switched in side me and I said “im going to stop” and I meant it. I also had a moment of clarity that I also needed help. I couldnt just stop on my own.

The next day, I went to my doctor fuelled on two bottles of wine and I said to her I think im dependent on alcohol and I want to stop. I was a mess. We agreed a home detox and she gave me some medication to help with the withdrawal. The first two days were just awful, the medication helped to some degree but I have never felt so ill in my entire life. I was in bed for the first three days. I was so f-ing scared, back then I couldnt imagine what a life without alcohol would be like. How was I going to cope with the kids, how was I going to cope with stress, how was I going to cope with christmas and birthdays sober??? It seemed impossible.

I got myself to an AA meeting as soon as I felt well enough to do so, I was nine days sober. Initially I was put off by the use of the word GOD, but I do remember hearing people tellimg their stories and they had, had it worse than me, they were homeless, been to prison and some drank way more than I did and each and everyone one of those people were sober, turned their life around and were doing ok. It gave me hope, and inspiration. If those guys could do it, so could I.

Three months in, and I slipped. I fell for that silly head which told me, you cant be powerless over alcohol, you havent had a drink for three months, i’ll be ok. I’ll just have the couple of glasses occassionally. Day one I set my intention of having half a bottle of wine, day two I set my intention of having just one bottle and ended up as two and sooo the cycle started again. I was “back out” drinking for two weeks, then the shakes came back in, and on my 40th birthday I said to my husband, I actually felt a lot better not drinking at all, and that I was dragging my sorry backside back to AA. Ive not had a drink since.

I cant drink alcohol ever again, I now know I am powerless over alcohol and that one drink will lead me straight back to where I once was, I dont ever want to go back there and next time around it may just kill me.

Today, my mental health is omg..... so so so much better. I feel alive. And I am grateful to be alive. I am quite happy to be in control of myself, my actions and my words. I dont wake up of a morning feeling awful. I have a clear recollection of the night before, I dont carry guilt and shame with me anymore. I am available if anyone needs me. I can drive whereever I want and not worry about being pulled over. I havent self harmed in a long time and I definately do not want to kill myself. If I could describe the word Freedom, this would be my personal defininition of freedom.

I can’t nor do I want to drink ever again. Im ok with that!

There has been times whereby life gets tough and dealing with life sober is bloody challenging, I will not lie to you there has been quite a few occassions where the thought of drinking has been on me, but my will to live is stronger than my will to die. On days like that, I tell myself not to drink for today and I have never ever woken up of a mornimg wishing I had a drink the night before. Ever.

This stuff is hard. But it is also so worth it. For me, I work the AA programme and it works, but there are other alternatives out there too. Do whatever it takes to keep you sober.

Im 2.5 years sober on the 17th May and that in itself is a bloody miracle. Never would I ever of thought I could go that long without a drink, but hear I am. I cannot go back. Whilst it’s challenging at times its not as near as bad as it was back then. I remind myself of that.

Thats my story x I hope it helps someone. Take one day at a time and you too can be free x x x

Thank you for your post! I read every bit and went back and re read it again Very inspiring.

Congrats on 2.5 years!

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Thanks for the post and well done on your sobriety👍 I have no control either. If I start drinking again, it’s going to get much worse. 240 days for me. So thankful🙏

Congratulations blueberry, well done on 2.5 years.

Awesome post, thank you so much for sharing your story and congrats on your success!

That was an awesome post.

Inspiring to read about those of us who have taken responsibility for ourselves and had the courage to share here.

Nothing smacks of self-pity, woe-is-me in your post. Though I'm sure you had your days.

I am 40, a father, a husband and I too can longer drink ever again. Very similar habits as yours brought me to my knees - and could have fallen much further, but for the grace of g-d as they like to say.

Here is to living the good life - not the good life of a beer commercial - but the real good life - where action and responsibility are the tasks we give ourselves and achieve.

Fired me up this evening!

Thank you so much and congrats. You deserve to feel very proud.

Congratulations on 2.5 years! That's amazing!

Thank you so much for posting. I was feeling pretty self-pitying earlier — AV was quiet; it was my own bad attitude talking — and it’s given me a real shot in the arm to be reminded both just how spectacularly brilliant it is to be riding the sober train and just how much smoother the ride becomes with time. And it’s also very encouraging to have it pointed up that others struggle, manage and overcome: the possibilities for all are tremendous.

Best to you!

Thanks for sharing that blueberry :)

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Blueberry, thank for your post and congratulations on 2 1/2 years of recovery.

Great post, thank you ❤

Amazing, amazing, AMAZING, awe inspiring post!!!
Thank you so much for sharing. As I was reading I felt it was me you were describing!

I am only 2 weeks sober but I feel like I have had my moment of clarity. I accept that I am powerless over alcohol, that I can never drink "normally". That just one drink will set off the spiral of craving that could lead me anywhere. Most probably dead.
I have started AA and am looking for a sponsor to work the steps with. I want to get well and live a life without the poison of alcohol.

Thank you again for sharing. I am so so pleased you have turned your life around. I am in the hairsressers and getting a bit emotional lol.
X x

I love this post! Thank you for sharing.

I’ve been dialing back my consumption for a while now, with periods of sobriety in between. All of the things you say about clarity are true. But they don’t always keep me from wanting to drink.

Lately, I’ve realized something - I hate going to bed after drinking. Even just two or three drinks. I hate everything about it, the smell that permeates everything even if you brush your teeth and drink tons of water, the fitfulness, the dreams. I still enjoy the feeling of 3 drinks, but remembering how gross I feel when I wake in the middle of the night with that stale, nasty smell emanating from me keeps me from diving in.

The physical cons of drinking soooo outweigh the pros.

Thanks for sharing that. Your story is a bit like mine well done on sobriety

I love your story; so much of it resonates with my own experience!

I remember you because I had stopped in June 2015 after my realizing I wanted my sober life back. It's so good to see how you are doing!

Congratulations for 2.5 years! You are an inspiration.

Only two weeks?! Its not an only, its bloody amazing. Early days is bloody hard going, so be proud of yourself x I do what my sponsor “suggested” I do and it works for me - hope you find a lovely sponsor soon x x x Well done on two weeks - you rock!

How have you been doing? X