So much potential! Still No recovery!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 342
So much potential! Still No recovery!
I joined here in Dec 2017 and I've contributed a fair amount over that time, I've been honest and open and I have experienced one period of 31 days of sobriety since joining!
I'm exhausted now by my addiction its too much for me. I started a thread entitled more loans more pain more anguish a while back well that's nothing to what's going on now. I could go to prison because of my blackout manipulation of online lenders I don't even know how much I owe and to who anymore. Im still in my home but I've gone AWOL from my new job this last week. Im just sitting here waiting for the letters to begin dropping in my Door! My email is getting full of demands and I'm like WTF so another drink another loan I can't stop it!!
I've worn every single person out who ever cared.. family sponsors fellowship buddies. And here I am! I feel there's a locked gear inside of me that's unbreakable and it's driving my being into death but I can't actually feel it sufficiently enough to rouse myself from the inevitable disastrous effects its going to have on my life. It's the most bizarre thing I've ever known. Consciously yes I can recognise it, that's how I'm able to write this on here but to actually fully concede to my innermost self that I'm a sexually addicted alcoholic.
Is damn impossible for me to Do . I don't know why!! I'll keep getting up as long as I can and keep giving it everything this sick human being can in the hope that one-day my new life in continuous recovery will begin! I know all about daily action program step work looked into AVRT but absolutely everything loses its initial shine with me fairly rapidly and I'm back to being Mr Malady again! And obsession drives me to relapse.
I'm sorry I can't be stronger or inspirational with all the leaps cheers and fireworks!
I'm a decent man but I'm lost inside addiction and I can out wit the best of them with my experience knowledge and insight. But I gotta say that ain't gonna save me!
Humility I believe because I've read about it and witnessed it in others is a crucial component to recovery and I lack that substantially in regards to my addictive behaviours. It's like I guard it fiercely because it's effects are so fckin intoxicating. It's BB stuff from docs opinion I've read about the injurious effects of alcohol but on I go anyway! I've listened in hundreds of meetings.
The psychic change gets partly underway and I genuinely start to come back to life but I know this insidious illness is always shadowing me!!
I seemed to be doomed to an addicts death because no matter what effort i put in I can barely get out of the starting blocks of recovery then I'm back in my sick little bubble again!!
This is going on way too long! Maybe prison and complete and utter devastation in my personal life is what it's going to take for me!
I'm exhausted now by my addiction its too much for me. I started a thread entitled more loans more pain more anguish a while back well that's nothing to what's going on now. I could go to prison because of my blackout manipulation of online lenders I don't even know how much I owe and to who anymore. Im still in my home but I've gone AWOL from my new job this last week. Im just sitting here waiting for the letters to begin dropping in my Door! My email is getting full of demands and I'm like WTF so another drink another loan I can't stop it!!
I've worn every single person out who ever cared.. family sponsors fellowship buddies. And here I am! I feel there's a locked gear inside of me that's unbreakable and it's driving my being into death but I can't actually feel it sufficiently enough to rouse myself from the inevitable disastrous effects its going to have on my life. It's the most bizarre thing I've ever known. Consciously yes I can recognise it, that's how I'm able to write this on here but to actually fully concede to my innermost self that I'm a sexually addicted alcoholic.
Is damn impossible for me to Do . I don't know why!! I'll keep getting up as long as I can and keep giving it everything this sick human being can in the hope that one-day my new life in continuous recovery will begin! I know all about daily action program step work looked into AVRT but absolutely everything loses its initial shine with me fairly rapidly and I'm back to being Mr Malady again! And obsession drives me to relapse.
I'm sorry I can't be stronger or inspirational with all the leaps cheers and fireworks!
I'm a decent man but I'm lost inside addiction and I can out wit the best of them with my experience knowledge and insight. But I gotta say that ain't gonna save me!
Humility I believe because I've read about it and witnessed it in others is a crucial component to recovery and I lack that substantially in regards to my addictive behaviours. It's like I guard it fiercely because it's effects are so fckin intoxicating. It's BB stuff from docs opinion I've read about the injurious effects of alcohol but on I go anyway! I've listened in hundreds of meetings.
The psychic change gets partly underway and I genuinely start to come back to life but I know this insidious illness is always shadowing me!!
I seemed to be doomed to an addicts death because no matter what effort i put in I can barely get out of the starting blocks of recovery then I'm back in my sick little bubble again!!
This is going on way too long! Maybe prison and complete and utter devastation in my personal life is what it's going to take for me!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by Ghoster18 
I joined here in Dec 2017 and I've contributed a fair amount over that time, I've been honest and open and I have experienced one period of 31 days of sobriety since joining!
I'm exhausted now by my addiction its too much for me. I started a thread entitled more loans more pain more anguish a while back well that's nothing to what's going on now. I could go to prison because of my blackout manipulation of online lenders I don't even know how much I owe and to who anymore. Im still in my home but I've gone AWOL from my new job this last week. Im just sitting here waiting for the letters to begin dropping in my Door! My email is getting full of demands and I'm like WTF so another drink another loan I can't stop it!!
I've worn every single person out who ever cared.. family sponsors fellowship buddies. And here I am! I feel there's a locked gear inside of me that's unbreakable and it's driving my being into death but I can't actually feel it sufficiently enough to rouse myself from the inevitable disastrous effects its going to have on my life. It's the most bizarre thing I've ever known. Consciously yes I can recognise it, that's how I'm able to write this on here but to actually fully concede to my innermost self that I'm a sexually addicted alcoholic.
Is damn impossible for me to Do . I don't know why!! I'll keep getting up as long as I can and keep giving it everything this sick human being can in the hope that one-day my new life in continuous recovery will begin! I know all about daily action program step work looked into AVRT but absolutely everything loses its initial shine with me fairly rapidly and I'm back to being Mr Malady again! And obsession drives me to relapse.
I'm sorry I can't be stronger or inspirational with all the leaps cheers and fireworks!
I'm a decent man but I'm lost inside addiction and I can out wit the best of them with my experience knowledge and insight. But I gotta say that ain't gonna save me!
Humility I believe because I've read about it and witnessed it in others is a crucial component to recovery and I lack that substantially in regards to my addictive behaviours. It's like I guard it fiercely because it's effects are so fckin intoxicating. It's BB stuff from docs opinion I've read about the injurious effects of alcohol but on I go anyway! I've listened in hundreds of meetings.
The psychic change gets partly underway and I genuinely start to come back to life but I know this insidious illness is always shadowing me!!
I seemed to be doomed to an addicts death because no matter what effort i put in I can barely get out of the starting blocks of recovery then I'm back in my sick little bubble again!!
This is going on way too long! Maybe prison and complete and utter devastation in my personal life is what it's going to take for me!
I'm exhausted now by my addiction its too much for me. I started a thread entitled more loans more pain more anguish a while back well that's nothing to what's going on now. I could go to prison because of my blackout manipulation of online lenders I don't even know how much I owe and to who anymore. Im still in my home but I've gone AWOL from my new job this last week. Im just sitting here waiting for the letters to begin dropping in my Door! My email is getting full of demands and I'm like WTF so another drink another loan I can't stop it!!
I've worn every single person out who ever cared.. family sponsors fellowship buddies. And here I am! I feel there's a locked gear inside of me that's unbreakable and it's driving my being into death but I can't actually feel it sufficiently enough to rouse myself from the inevitable disastrous effects its going to have on my life. It's the most bizarre thing I've ever known. Consciously yes I can recognise it, that's how I'm able to write this on here but to actually fully concede to my innermost self that I'm a sexually addicted alcoholic.
Is damn impossible for me to Do . I don't know why!! I'll keep getting up as long as I can and keep giving it everything this sick human being can in the hope that one-day my new life in continuous recovery will begin! I know all about daily action program step work looked into AVRT but absolutely everything loses its initial shine with me fairly rapidly and I'm back to being Mr Malady again! And obsession drives me to relapse.
I'm sorry I can't be stronger or inspirational with all the leaps cheers and fireworks!
I'm a decent man but I'm lost inside addiction and I can out wit the best of them with my experience knowledge and insight. But I gotta say that ain't gonna save me!
Humility I believe because I've read about it and witnessed it in others is a crucial component to recovery and I lack that substantially in regards to my addictive behaviours. It's like I guard it fiercely because it's effects are so fckin intoxicating. It's BB stuff from docs opinion I've read about the injurious effects of alcohol but on I go anyway! I've listened in hundreds of meetings.
The psychic change gets partly underway and I genuinely start to come back to life but I know this insidious illness is always shadowing me!!
I seemed to be doomed to an addicts death because no matter what effort i put in I can barely get out of the starting blocks of recovery then I'm back in my sick little bubble again!!
This is going on way too long! Maybe prison and complete and utter devastation in my personal life is what it's going to take for me!
If no and yes the chances of prison are extremely unlikely, they'll just mess up your credit. Even if you forged documents to legit lenders and they figure it out. I doubt you'd get much if any prison time most likely probation. Might as well head off to rehab since you left your job. It'll look good for court and it sounds like you could use it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 342
Thanks for reply but rehab? it costs a fortune!
I've got no insurance. No way of funding it.
My brain isn't working properly. I get blank stuck spaces overwhelming emotions and like a sense of buzzing. I m hearing a cracking audible radio station playing with real commentary. I m seeing black things crawling and shadowy figures .
Yet I go to the doctors and they're useless.
Only a spiritual experience will conquer I totally believe that!
No human power!
So best tread that path again and see if I can own myself and find a way to do this.
I think I've got a bloody allergy to people sometimes! But I actually think that's B.S.!!
Gotta grow up and out of myself I guess die to my old self and allow the new self to emerge. Im looking for the easier softer way..for an addict of my type that's not an option!
I've got no insurance. No way of funding it.
My brain isn't working properly. I get blank stuck spaces overwhelming emotions and like a sense of buzzing. I m hearing a cracking audible radio station playing with real commentary. I m seeing black things crawling and shadowy figures .
Yet I go to the doctors and they're useless.
Only a spiritual experience will conquer I totally believe that!
No human power!
So best tread that path again and see if I can own myself and find a way to do this.
I think I've got a bloody allergy to people sometimes! But I actually think that's B.S.!!
Gotta grow up and out of myself I guess die to my old self and allow the new self to emerge. Im looking for the easier softer way..for an addict of my type that's not an option!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 572
Originally Posted by Ghoster18
My brain isn't working properly. I get blank stuck spaces overwhelming emotions and like a sense of buzzing. I m hearing a cracking audible radio station playing with real commentary. I m seeing black things crawling and shadowy figures .
Yet I go to the doctors and they're useless.
Only a spiritual experience will conquer I totally believe that!
Yet I go to the doctors and they're useless.
Only a spiritual experience will conquer I totally believe that!
I'd look into public-funded rehabs, or at the very least, detoxes. That would be the safest way to do it, from what you describe. You can deal with the rest of the stuff (lenders, etc.) later.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by Ghoster18
Thanks for reply but rehab? it costs a fortune!
I've got no insurance. No way of funding it.
My brain isn't working properly. I get blank stuck spaces overwhelming emotions and like a sense of buzzing. I m hearing a cracking audible radio station playing with real commentary. I m seeing black things crawling and shadowy figures .
Yet I go to the doctors and they're useless.
Only a spiritual experience will conquer I totally believe that!
No human power!
So best tread that path again and see if I can own myself and find a way to do this.
I think I've got a bloody allergy to people sometimes! But I actually think that's B.S.!!
Gotta grow up and out of myself I guess die to my old self and allow the new self to emerge. Im looking for the easier softer way..for an addict of my type that's not an option!
I've got no insurance. No way of funding it.
My brain isn't working properly. I get blank stuck spaces overwhelming emotions and like a sense of buzzing. I m hearing a cracking audible radio station playing with real commentary. I m seeing black things crawling and shadowy figures .
Yet I go to the doctors and they're useless.
Only a spiritual experience will conquer I totally believe that!
No human power!
So best tread that path again and see if I can own myself and find a way to do this.
I think I've got a bloody allergy to people sometimes! But I actually think that's B.S.!!
Gotta grow up and out of myself I guess die to my old self and allow the new self to emerge. Im looking for the easier softer way..for an addict of my type that's not an option!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Ghoster, the Salvation Army offers free rehab to anyone who wants it. Check out the link, and yes, there may be a waiting list, depending where you are:
http://satruck.org/national-rehabilitation
http://satruck.org/national-rehabilitation
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,367
HI Ghoster
I'm sorry you're still struggling.
You remind me of me.
I talked a great talk...but I couldn't walk the walk.
When it came to change I got scared and I baulked time and time again.
I convinced myself that one last time was not going to hurt, but that one last time would stretch into weeks, months even years.
I had what I call the worlds longest adolescence.
I was nearly 40 and still mentally a precocious 14 year old, getting away with everything I could (and slapping myself on the back for being so damn smart) living for the moment & damn the consequences, and expecting my loved ones to put up with my crap and follow behind me and clean up my mess.
I was also deeply chronically and fundamentally sad cos I knew I could do much much better with my life.
In the end I had to decide what side I was really on.
Did I want to stay a mental teenager and survive on brief moments of pleasure but terrible consequences, self hatred, and inevitable assured destruction...
or did I want to be the man I knew I could be....with a real life, real love, real responsibility and real joy.
I made the right choice for me.
The choice is yours man.
D
I'm sorry you're still struggling.
You remind me of me.
I talked a great talk...but I couldn't walk the walk.
When it came to change I got scared and I baulked time and time again.
I convinced myself that one last time was not going to hurt, but that one last time would stretch into weeks, months even years.
I had what I call the worlds longest adolescence.
I was nearly 40 and still mentally a precocious 14 year old, getting away with everything I could (and slapping myself on the back for being so damn smart) living for the moment & damn the consequences, and expecting my loved ones to put up with my crap and follow behind me and clean up my mess.
I was also deeply chronically and fundamentally sad cos I knew I could do much much better with my life.
In the end I had to decide what side I was really on.
Did I want to stay a mental teenager and survive on brief moments of pleasure but terrible consequences, self hatred, and inevitable assured destruction...
or did I want to be the man I knew I could be....with a real life, real love, real responsibility and real joy.
I made the right choice for me.
The choice is yours man.
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 4,553
Ghoster you strike me as a very articulate intelligent guy. Problem is that you can't out-think this thing or study your way out of it. God knows I tried......
I have no idea what danger you are in in terms of withdrawal etc so please seek help if you possibly can.
That being said my magic solution was as basic as it could get. Don't drink for 1 day. The day from hell which started the week from hell. Minute by minute I suffered as necessary to get to my goal of 1 day sober. Then I committed to another day and another......
Bottom line is that there are no circumstances in my life that warrant one sip of alcohol. Not one sip. Ever.
Sounds simple but we both know it isn't. BUT IT ABSOLUTELY CAN BE DONE.
The debts and other associated behaviour can wait. Putting down the bottle cannot wait.
I think that accepting death even just for a split second is desperately sad and worrying. It is an incredibly painful and tragic way to go. PLEASE SEEK OUT THE HELP YOU NEED.
What seems impossible right now really isn't and I pray you find a way to grab your day 1 too xxx
I have no idea what danger you are in in terms of withdrawal etc so please seek help if you possibly can.
That being said my magic solution was as basic as it could get. Don't drink for 1 day. The day from hell which started the week from hell. Minute by minute I suffered as necessary to get to my goal of 1 day sober. Then I committed to another day and another......
Bottom line is that there are no circumstances in my life that warrant one sip of alcohol. Not one sip. Ever.
Sounds simple but we both know it isn't. BUT IT ABSOLUTELY CAN BE DONE.
The debts and other associated behaviour can wait. Putting down the bottle cannot wait.
it's driving my being into death
I seemed to be doomed to an addicts death
What seems impossible right now really isn't and I pray you find a way to grab your day 1 too xxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 342
The worlds longest adolescence! Yeah big time Dee!
How is spiritual experience going to conquer cracking radio sounds. Simple that spiritual experience has all the power to stop another relapse!
It's my call!
How is spiritual experience going to conquer cracking radio sounds. Simple that spiritual experience has all the power to stop another relapse!
It's my call!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 342
SorryDD I'm touchy!!
Thanks To all of you folk for taking the time to post here.
My mother always tells me
I've always done life the hard way!
Wonder what I'm trying to prove?
Rumor of skin by stone sour best describes me. I discovered the song meaning last week!
Thanks To all of you folk for taking the time to post here.
My mother always tells me
I've always done life the hard way!
Wonder what I'm trying to prove?
Rumor of skin by stone sour best describes me. I discovered the song meaning last week!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Thanks for reply but rehab? it costs a fortune!
so do all those online loans, i'd imagine, with interest, but you had NO PROBLEM making those in order to fund your drinking. you had no problem skipping out on work in order to keep drinking.
where we put our time and effort indicates what has priority in our lives. you are "dedicating" your time and effort to drinking more. thus it is no surprise that you ARE drinking more.
recovery is possible for anyone. but it is not simply handed over, once and done. we must pour our time and effort INTO that recovery, do whatever it takes to protect our sobriety. change our lives and lifestyle. wholesale change. no reservations. all in.
so do all those online loans, i'd imagine, with interest, but you had NO PROBLEM making those in order to fund your drinking. you had no problem skipping out on work in order to keep drinking.
where we put our time and effort indicates what has priority in our lives. you are "dedicating" your time and effort to drinking more. thus it is no surprise that you ARE drinking more.
recovery is possible for anyone. but it is not simply handed over, once and done. we must pour our time and effort INTO that recovery, do whatever it takes to protect our sobriety. change our lives and lifestyle. wholesale change. no reservations. all in.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 342
The online loans don't cost anything you missed my point!
The pay back does for sure!
I can't go to rehab and ask them for an
Advance!
Two diametrically opposed worlds!
I had a huge problem skipping out on work too!
You have no idea who or what I'm about!!
You this and you that! There's always 3 fingers pointing back when you statements are in the mix.
I'm really fkn trying here!!
The pay back does for sure!
I can't go to rehab and ask them for an
Advance!
Two diametrically opposed worlds!
I had a huge problem skipping out on work too!
You have no idea who or what I'm about!!
You this and you that! There's always 3 fingers pointing back when you statements are in the mix.
I'm really fkn trying here!!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,756
giving it everything this sick human being can in the hope that one-day my new life in continuous recovery will begin!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,367
You have no idea who or what I'm about!!
You this and you that! There's always 3 fingers pointing back when you statements are in the mix.
You this and you that! There's always 3 fingers pointing back when you statements are in the mix.
The problem is here not really any of the replies you've gotten or however which way fingers are pointing.
Stay focused on action. You're getting deflected already by misdirected anger.
Any solution that says its too hard to change, or it's understandable or even necessary to keep engaging in addictive behavour cos no one knows how hard your life is the wrong solution.
I'm really fkn trying here!!
This is not something thats going to be solved with one thread or in a few weeks.
You have to commit to a marathon here....
but every marathon starts with a few basic sure footed steps
what are some of the new things you're adding to your programme - right now today?
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Edmonton, Alberta.
Posts: 398
Hey Ghoster,
I am sorry that you are going through this - drinking is so f*cking exhausting, apart from anything else. isn't it? Takes up all the available space & fills it with trouble.
As others have said mate - there probably isn't a 'thing' you're not 'getting'. I also believed that I was doomed to die an alcoholic death but now I don't think anyone's fate is sealed.
Pretty much everyone I know with a good chunk of sober time has a daily practice of some sort. AA, AVRT, their own weird mashup of stuff - whatever. If you do something - anything - every day, it becomes habitual. Sobriety is the same. It can be that simple, but you have to do it every day!
My sobriety did not require a spiritual awakening, although I did have to grow up. My character is as full of defects as ever - I just don't drink. Doesn't have to be a complete change of personality & belief system.
Right now, the only thing you need to worry about is not picking up.
I'm troubled by the hallucinations you describe & your reluctance to seek treatment. I'm no doctor, but those symptoms clearly need urgent attention.
Keep posting.
Max
I am sorry that you are going through this - drinking is so f*cking exhausting, apart from anything else. isn't it? Takes up all the available space & fills it with trouble.
As others have said mate - there probably isn't a 'thing' you're not 'getting'. I also believed that I was doomed to die an alcoholic death but now I don't think anyone's fate is sealed.
Pretty much everyone I know with a good chunk of sober time has a daily practice of some sort. AA, AVRT, their own weird mashup of stuff - whatever. If you do something - anything - every day, it becomes habitual. Sobriety is the same. It can be that simple, but you have to do it every day!
My sobriety did not require a spiritual awakening, although I did have to grow up. My character is as full of defects as ever - I just don't drink. Doesn't have to be a complete change of personality & belief system.
Right now, the only thing you need to worry about is not picking up.
I'm troubled by the hallucinations you describe & your reluctance to seek treatment. I'm no doctor, but those symptoms clearly need urgent attention.
Keep posting.
Max
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Hi Ghoster. It sounds like you have a good intellectual grasp of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I see from your posts you have done a lot of listening, reading, learning and so forth. I wondered if you have taken any actual action based on what you have heard, read or learned.
My story is a little different. My concentration was shot. I listened a lot, read a lot but didn’t take much in, and I suppose I learned a lot but didn’t really understand much at the time.
The thing that saved me was action on what I was hearing. I got a sponsor, prayed, seriously sought a higher power through the steps, and somewhere along the way, in the first few weeks it seem, the obsession was lifted.
The process for me was one of taking an action, experiencing the result, then understanding what it was about. I never found myself in a position where I could really understand any aspect of the program prior to taking the action. JME.
My story is a little different. My concentration was shot. I listened a lot, read a lot but didn’t take much in, and I suppose I learned a lot but didn’t really understand much at the time.
The thing that saved me was action on what I was hearing. I got a sponsor, prayed, seriously sought a higher power through the steps, and somewhere along the way, in the first few weeks it seem, the obsession was lifted.
The process for me was one of taking an action, experiencing the result, then understanding what it was about. I never found myself in a position where I could really understand any aspect of the program prior to taking the action. JME.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 342
Thanks everyone!
I'm still in it as I post!
To stop now isn't doable for me on my own!
If they carted me off to a rehab well yes but that ain't gonna happen !
I'm not going to spew Out The effects on myself!
This thing kills we all know that!
My history is this and it's true...
Tried daily action through the steps with a sponsor
Two attempts
Co- founder of 3 -12 step recovery meetings in SAA
They are all between 6 and 9 years established.
Service work at these meetings although not presently! Because the illness has progressed so much now it's even a fight to walk my dog!
Daily plans and following them!
Regular telephone contact
But insidiously I've allowed myself to incrementally crumble!
I got 90 days once when I was new
Now I'm screwed!
If I come out of this alive it will be my last chance!!
My tolerance for addictive abuse of my being is terrifying !!
I'll keep an inner determination no matter how far down I go !!
G
I'm still in it as I post!
To stop now isn't doable for me on my own!
If they carted me off to a rehab well yes but that ain't gonna happen !
I'm not going to spew Out The effects on myself!
This thing kills we all know that!
My history is this and it's true...
Tried daily action through the steps with a sponsor
Two attempts
Co- founder of 3 -12 step recovery meetings in SAA
They are all between 6 and 9 years established.
Service work at these meetings although not presently! Because the illness has progressed so much now it's even a fight to walk my dog!
Daily plans and following them!
Regular telephone contact
But insidiously I've allowed myself to incrementally crumble!
I got 90 days once when I was new
Now I'm screwed!
If I come out of this alive it will be my last chance!!
My tolerance for addictive abuse of my being is terrifying !!
I'll keep an inner determination no matter how far down I go !!
G
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
