Ghoster18

Some folk seem to be reading what's somehow convenient to them!
When I posted just two above this one about 12 step action which is itself surrender based I wasn't bullshitting!!
I've given it my all!
But Dee's comment on ' prolonged adolescence'
hit the nail on the head for me!
I have an emotional and sexual attachment to teenage behaviour no doubt!!
I need to go there look there and find a way to unearth the self will!
I'm learning a lot here
Whatever folk say whether it's reflective of me or not don't matter it All serves a purpose.
Keep them coming!
I've not worked in your shoes
You've not worked in mine
But one thing that binds us is the solution!!
Living in a recovered sober state of mind and body!!

biminiblue

12 Step isn't JUST about surrender. That's only Step One. Since you haven't gotten that right yet, makes sense to start there.

I mean, I couldn't recover until I had put down the addictions.

Ghoster18

Ok. Well I'm in no place to argue!
Yes I have serious issues around step 1!
I'm.thinking it's probably simple! Just look at the facts right!!
Grow up and accept I can't do this anymore!
And be grumpy as hell for however long it takes in the early stages!
I got yet another sponsor 3 weeks ago I started writing out my first step, no fluff or crap just facts like bullet points! I got to around age 14 in my writing and I couldn't do it!
I had a reaction and I self soothed again!
WTF is that ?

biminiblue

Sit down with those bullet points again. When you are triggered, sit on your hands and just sit with it...they will pass, those ruminations.

The further away I am from my last *insert whatever* the better I am able to go through discomfort without adding anything to it, be it a drug, a behavioral addiction, or a cupcake. I had to accept that discomfort is part of the Human Condition. My reaction to it is all in that eight inches between my ears.

ProfessorD

From what I've seen of your posts, it seems like you're still romanticizing the addiction. I think you said something like the downward spiral "turns you on."

tomsteve

a pretty good pamhplet that simplifies quite a bit and gave me a different perspective on the steps:
A Guide To The 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous - Greater Detroit | Silkworth.net

something important from the BB:

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. "How can I best serve Thee - Thy will (not mine) be done." These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.

tomsteve

But Dee's comment on ' prolonged adolescence'
hit the nail on the head for me!

and something that comes out quite often with that in early recovery we dont like to be told what to do or how to do it because we already know it all.

humility rocks!!

Ghoster18

Yeah humility isn't my strong point!
Like you guys didn't know that already!!
God what the **** is wrong with me!!??
It's the lust addiction inside the alcoholism!!
I went to sexaholics recently I've been in SAA for years AA as Well in and out!
Prof yes i did say that it's true!
Bimini I hear you too!
I'm defeated but I'm defiant!
Humble I need help on humility Pls!

Ghoster18

It's over this binge 9 days and I'm inn the danger zone right now hand on pulse orchestra in ears burning up! I can't get up to eat I'm too scared. I got water tho!
Sorry SR what a nightmare!

DontRemember

Hey, Ghoster..A lot of what you've typed in here reminded me of what I've been 'trying' to handle with my new business partner. Everytime something doesn't go his way it's the end of the world,with him and it's NEVER his own actions that caused it. I see you owned up to some stuff,but a lot of 'pity party' responses too. I know the mindset you're currently in,because..I've been there. You see no way out,so why not dig deeper(more loans,more drink,more sex,ect..) Searching for instant gratification. Here's what I told him the other day. "Write down how you want your life to be..realistically. No boats,girlfriends,excessive money,ect..but a real plan that can work towards a happy content life." He was ALL ears and in agreement. Then he went to the bar last night looking for women,spending money he can't afford to spend and today he's out 'playing' instead of being here working and making money, like I am. You see..owning up to our shortfalls is a MF'r and it's hard to do. It's IMPOSSIBLE to do when in active whatever someones DOC is..

As for your loans..check your country/states,ect..laws regarding online lending. As long as you haven't stole an identity or something there are laws that protect from 'predatory lending'. I don't say that to have you think you can keep on going with the online loans..that's insanity in itself,but to maybe offer you a bit of reprieve to get your SH*t together and not use as another excuse to continue the way you are.


Edit: Another big thing I've learned in my sobriety is to "slow down". I'm not in a race with any person,place or thing. Things will be sorted when I can sort them and as they come. "future tripping" is a waste of time.

FreedomCA

Seems like you’re going to need a miracle. I hope you get it!

Dee74

when i said that and someone told me I wasn't doing my all cos I was still drinking, it got me steamed.

I think they were right tho.

Look at it like an equation - if x is complete recovery, and y is what you're doing now for your recovery, y does not equal x.


You can lash out all you like, you can tell us what you think we want to hear all you like, you can promise to try this or that and try and get by on charm and manipulative indignation all you want ....

but you need to find out what z is .

Noone else can do that for you.

I'm wishing you the best too - I think you can do this - if you really want to

D

Nonsensical

That's how my three fingers and I stayed addicted.

Seems like bringing outside pleasures in has taken you about as far as it will go. You might have to actually deal with what's going on inside your head.

Drink a lot of water today.
You have work to do.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

MyLittleHorsie

I think this is important here. Do not expect to be grumpy, being free of addiction is exciting. Living clean is something that is cause to celebrate. There are parts of recovery which are painful and we have to accept that we will do things we don't like to be free, but underlying that, should be hope and pride and happiness. If you want it to be hard and visualize it as hard, it will be.

Rar

Every morning for I don't know how long, I would think to myself, "UGH! I'm never drinking again!" As we all have experienced, the day went on and our resolve was out the window. When I first opened my eyes on my first morning of sobriety, I was actually smiling under the covers, as I thought to myself, "I did it! I really did it!". I still think that way every day and now, every night.

djlook

Hello, Ghoster 18.

Are you drinking or not drinking?

Arpeggioh

Ghoster, you sound overwhelmed. Too many racing thoughts about too many addictions and problems. I also have many addictions: food, tobacco, spending money, I'm sure there are more.

But the most important one I address every day is alcohol; staying sober is an absolute deal-breaker, the very first requirement for me to address any other trouble I'm having in my life.

Simplify your agenda, man: don't drink today! That's your only assignment. Worry about the rest later...

Ghoster18

There's a kind of deadness/numbness in parts of my emotions and in parts of my body I think this is the Z part of Dee's equation!
I can sit still doing mindful breathing practice with myself and feel.the presence of that hollowness!
It's trauma for me it's as real I am!
Restoration of self is obviously impossible while still in the addiction.
The thing about certain types of alcoholics is they think alcoholism is the only problem
Untreated alcoholism I mean.
I'm not one of those people

But It doesn't matter my obsession in my mind is completely different to an alcoholics but because of my obsession and it's associated behaviours I drink heavily.
I can't control my inner circle behaviours as they are called in SAA
I can see the reasons why I do this stuff
But I.havent figured out the Z part to that equation.every time I experience that part of myself emerge i get so uncomfortabke and overwhelmed simply beause i dont know how to own it and get past it.
I'm familiar a little bit I'll have to brush up on it though
With Ken wilbers 3 2 1.shadow work.its in the book integral spirituality. That type of work will.help me with this issue I have
Let's face it I've painstakingly.applied myself to written inventories I know how to do them I've gone through the steps with everything I've got twice and it has certainly given me some relief over the years but no.freedom
I.think written.inventories are powerful.recovery tools
But the steps haven't tackled the trauma
It's the trauma that's 100% driving my behaviour. I know that!
Running boxing swimming cycling are to become my outlets for the trauma . I prepared my garage last year for my exercise routine its still.ready and waiting for me to action my plan!!
This will vent/process the stuckness it helps it move because it's stagnant inside of me!!
I'm not going back into therapy for it ive had more therapists than hot dinners!!
I.need to do this because I want to do it based upon.enlightened self interest! If I value myself enough I can do this.
Do I value myself enough?
Don't know to be honest!! Ive got to.change that!! It's BS!

biminiblue

Only you can heal yourself from your trauma.

I found AA to be harmful to the part of me that was traumatized, so the Steps with a sponsor were a no-go for me.

Your trauma can be released to God/the Universe, whatever you want to release it to. You are the one holding onto that boulder. You can put it down now. The past is over, Ghoster - and you're continuing to relive it. I can tell you that the way past trauma is sobriety. That obsessive rumination and woe-is-me thing? It goes away if you stay sober and keep releasing it.

But the drink is keeping you in this loop of self-pity. I'm sorry someone or many someones hurt you. Me too. I'm telling you that you can let it go now, stop hurting Ghoster with it.

When you feel like it, this is a good thread in the Anxiety forum here:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...anagement.html (Emotional Memory Management)

daredevil

I much prefer untreated alcoholism to active alcoholism.