feel like dirt and i cant deal with this anymore
Earth Child
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland
Posts: 2,004
feel like dirt and i cant deal with this anymore
trying so hard right now not to fall apart ...trying not to get a blade and cut my wrists my husband is with me yet i feel so alone with the new flashbacks am having of abuse ...by someone who is meant to look after me i was a child and she did things i now know she did and am angry
yet i also blame me i want to not be here anymore am trying to live for my friends and my husband i cant right now live for myself
i cant keep going to the crisis house because i amusing up space for others and that makes me worse
i cant live i feel like dirt and i cant deal with this the music thearpy dragged all this up there no way am going back there or get any other therapy
yet i also blame me i want to not be here anymore am trying to live for my friends and my husband i cant right now live for myself
i cant keep going to the crisis house because i amusing up space for others and that makes me worse
i cant live i feel like dirt and i cant deal with this the music thearpy dragged all this up there no way am going back there or get any other therapy
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,448
GMS, you can go back to the crisis centre and stay as long as you need to. You are valuable and important and deserve the care they can give you. Right now, you need the care they can offer. Please talk to your husband about how you are feeling.
Earth Child
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland
Posts: 2,004
i take up space others can use the crisis centre its too late for me
my husband knows he is trying to get me to look at the positive but there is nothing positive about being abused there nothing that anyone can say to me
that going to make things better i am sorry i will stop posting all this stuff its not what this forum is for
my husband knows he is trying to get me to look at the positive but there is nothing positive about being abused there nothing that anyone can say to me
that going to make things better i am sorry i will stop posting all this stuff its not what this forum is for
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
You are as worthy of the space as any other human being on earth!
Haven’t you already been sabotaged enough by the horrible events of the past?
Please don’t let it keep on sabotaging you—at least don’t sabotage yourself!
You are worth genuine care.
Haven’t you already been sabotaged enough by the horrible events of the past?
Please don’t let it keep on sabotaging you—at least don’t sabotage yourself!
You are worth genuine care.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,448
GMS, Gilmer is right. The pain from the past has hurt you for so long. I know you want and need to let go of the pain from the past and move on. Take whatever care the crisis centre can offer you and don't feel bad for taking up a space. That is what they are there for. 
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,320
Its not true you're using up someone else's space, You have a genuine need for crisis care right now GMS.
All those things that happened were not your fault and the voice thats telling you all those negative things about yourself is a liar.
You're worth the effort, just like everyone else here - please let someone help you there.
D
All those things that happened were not your fault and the voice thats telling you all those negative things about yourself is a liar.
You're worth the effort, just like everyone else here - please let someone help you there.
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,845
(((((GrantMeSerenity))))))
I am so sorry for the abuse you have endured.
The abuse was not your fault - not in any way whatsoever, dear one.
You are valuable and worthwhile.
You need and very much deserve the services of the crisis center. Please tell your husband how you are feeling; please ask him to take you there.
You are such a sweet person, GMS.
Please try not to let the wrongs of others continue to hurt you, dear one.
I am so sorry for the abuse you have endured.
The abuse was not your fault - not in any way whatsoever, dear one.
You are valuable and worthwhile.
You need and very much deserve the services of the crisis center. Please tell your husband how you are feeling; please ask him to take you there.
You are such a sweet person, GMS.
Please try not to let the wrongs of others continue to hurt you, dear one.
Earth Child
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland
Posts: 2,004
Sorry about this post feeling a bit better now for some reason at night my mood is a lot lower get tired of having these flashbacks angry at my abusers
no matter what i do to myself isnt going to change the past ...i should be looking forward not back I know its not anyone fault but the abusers God didnt make them do that they choice to do evil things to me i didnt make them do that ...Jesus is my higher power i am safe now i have my husband all of you guys my friends supporting me so much i should be grateful av also have my sponsor who i need to call today we are meeting up tomorrow but i forgot to ask what time i have two groups today one with my pastor the other one just a mental health drop in this is the drop in were i had the music therapy i dont really want to talk about it with them ...i want them to drop it
there is no way i can move on until they do that
no matter what i do to myself isnt going to change the past ...i should be looking forward not back I know its not anyone fault but the abusers God didnt make them do that they choice to do evil things to me i didnt make them do that ...Jesus is my higher power i am safe now i have my husband all of you guys my friends supporting me so much i should be grateful av also have my sponsor who i need to call today we are meeting up tomorrow but i forgot to ask what time i have two groups today one with my pastor the other one just a mental health drop in this is the drop in were i had the music therapy i dont really want to talk about it with them ...i want them to drop it
there is no way i can move on until they do that
Earth Child
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland
Posts: 2,004
STILL I RISE by Maya Angelou
You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.
Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries?
Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own backyard.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.
Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?
Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.
You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.
Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries?
Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own backyard.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.
Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?
Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.
Earth Child
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Edinburgh, Scotland
Posts: 2,004
https://youtu.be/W62JHOddvrU
"Rise Like A Phoenix"Conchita Wurst
Waking in the rubble
Walking over glass
Neighbors say we're trouble
Well that time has passed
Peering from the mirror
No, that isn't me
Stranger getting nearer
Who can this person be
You wouldnt know me at all today
From the fading light I fly
Rise like a phoenix
Out of the ashes
Seeking rather than vengeance
Retribution
You were warned
Once I'm transformed
Once I'm reborn
You know I will rise like a phoenix
But you're my flame
Go about your business
Act as if you're free
No one could have witnessed
What you did to me
Cause you wouldn't know me today
And you have got to see
To believe
From the fading light I fly
Rise like a phoenix
Out of the ashes
Seeking rather than vengeance
Retribution
You were warned
Once I'm transformed
Once I'm reborn
I rise up to the sky
You threw me down but
I'm gonna fly
And rise like a phoenix
Out of the ashes
Seeking rather than vengeance
Retribution
You were warned
Once I'm transformed
Once I'm reborn
You know I will rise like a phoenix
But you're my flame
"Rise Like A Phoenix"Conchita Wurst
Waking in the rubble
Walking over glass
Neighbors say we're trouble
Well that time has passed
Peering from the mirror
No, that isn't me
Stranger getting nearer
Who can this person be
You wouldnt know me at all today
From the fading light I fly
Rise like a phoenix
Out of the ashes
Seeking rather than vengeance
Retribution
You were warned
Once I'm transformed
Once I'm reborn
You know I will rise like a phoenix
But you're my flame
Go about your business
Act as if you're free
No one could have witnessed
What you did to me
Cause you wouldn't know me today
And you have got to see
To believe
From the fading light I fly
Rise like a phoenix
Out of the ashes
Seeking rather than vengeance
Retribution
You were warned
Once I'm transformed
Once I'm reborn
I rise up to the sky
You threw me down but
I'm gonna fly
And rise like a phoenix
Out of the ashes
Seeking rather than vengeance
Retribution
You were warned
Once I'm transformed
Once I'm reborn
You know I will rise like a phoenix
But you're my flame
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
The light that pulses
In your heart
Is the light that shines
At sunrise
The breath that rises
From your lungs
Inhales the starshine
Just like mine
The heart that beats
Beneath your breast
Is the heart that aches
The same as time
You are worthy
You are worthy
You are worthy
Of Love
So.... carry on, GMS.
Don't give up.
In your heart
Is the light that shines
At sunrise
The breath that rises
From your lungs
Inhales the starshine
Just like mine
The heart that beats
Beneath your breast
Is the heart that aches
The same as time
You are worthy
You are worthy
You are worthy
Of Love
So.... carry on, GMS.
Don't give up.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,448
GMS, I love Maya Angelou, too!
She said 'I did then what I knew how to do. Now, I know better, I do better'. You know now that you are a worthwhile person and you are taking care of yourself. Try to let go of the past as much as you can.
She said 'I did then what I knew how to do. Now, I know better, I do better'. You know now that you are a worthwhile person and you are taking care of yourself. Try to let go of the past as much as you can.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
