Soberlife35

Hi. I'm new to this site and thank god I found it. I'm one month sober, and not feeling the urge to drink however I'm having difficulty forgiving myself for the things I have done in the past while drunk. I can't seem to let go of the regret and shame. I've been a problem drinker since my 20's always binge drinking to the point of blackout drunk at the weekends. Getting myself into situations with guys I'd never do when sober and insulting the people I love the most. Waking in the morning feeling ashamed and apologising profusely. I thought i didn't have a problem though as only drank once a week or so. Over the last year or two I've been drinking a lot more. Secret drinking on my own most nights after work in my house. Panicking if I didn't have enough alcohol in the house to get me drunk to obliviation. Waking hungover everyday and hiding it from everyone. Anyway just over a month ago I hit my rock bottom. I hurt someone close to me while blackout drunk. I'm too ashamed to even go into details right now. However this was my turning point in admitting I have a problem with alcohol and cannot drink.EVER. even though the person I Hurt has said she has forgiven me, I feel disgusted with myself. I'm so ashamed of myself and all the things ive done in the past under the influence. I feel fantastic being sober but this is overshadowing it. Any advice would be much appreciated. X

Nonsensical

I was the same way. I could forgive a friend for the things I had done, but I couldn't forgive myself.

It kept me sick and suffering longer than necessary. I couldn't really recover until I was able to treat the guy in the mirror like a friend.

I highly recommend it.

Welcome to SR.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

Vandermast

Hi

I know exactly how you feel.

Some of my behaviour whilst drunk was just unbelievably crappy.

And yes guilt shame and remorse weigh a ton.

however you will find that we all have done these things.

As has been said self forgiveness starts with the smallest spark and grows over time.

you have been sober a month and that is huge for an problem drinker.

please do not underestimate your achievement.

you are amongst people who genuinely care here.

Vandermast

ProfessorD

I feel you. I have these feelings/thoughts too. For me, they are worse than any of the physical symptoms. I'm sorry for your situation.

People with long-term sobriety all seem to possess peace and wisdom on this topic. I'm sure they'll have good advice.

BlissWithin

Hi Soberlife35, 1 month is amazing! Congratulations!

After a couple of months of abstinence, the brain rewires itself and also our emotions and how we feel. I had a lot of issues about my drinking, but the more time I got sober I was able to deal with all of them.

Welcome to SR!

Hevyn

Welcome Soberlife! It's great to have you join us.

This was my biggest problem in the early days of getting sober. I'm sure I didn't even remember half the foolish/dangerous things I said and did. The shame & humiliation almost led me back to drinking again, just to turn off the negative thoughts. I knew the only way to rise above it all was to stay coherent - I was determined to get well & prove myself. Please be kind & patient with yourself as you heal - the bad memories will fade in time. Congratulations on your decision to reclaim your life & enjoy all the wonderful years you have left.

lessgravity

Welcome SL. You will find such wisdom and support here, I know I have.

And so many of us have hurt those we love, including betraying our selves.

The past is the past, which you will eventually come to feel, and though we can be saddened by it, feel pain and regret - all we have is today and what we do with it.

Stay sober, keep checking in.

Soberlife35

Thank you all for your kind words. This forum is a Godsend, in my first few days of getting sober when I felt the lowest I have ever felt in my life, I came here and read other people's stories, it made me feel less alone and that there were other people out there dealing with the same stuff I was. It is great to know so many of you have overcame the demon drink and all that comes with it, and it gives me faith that I can also lead a sober life and hopefully some day soon learn to forgive myself.x

least

Forgiving ourselves is hard, but necessary. I hope you can come to forgive yourself.

entropy1964

Guilt over doing stupid things while drunk is normal. Shame however is toxic. Guilt says, I did something bad. Shame says I AM bad. You aren't bad, you're addicted to a drug that lowers your inhibitions to the point that your authentic self is simply not present. Welcome to alcoholism.

It is really important for me to recognize that guilt, while uncomfortable, is my authentic self telling me I have to right the ship by quitting completely. Shame is my inner addict saying, you're a bad person, drink, you'll feel better. I have learned that by doing the right thing, I feel better, day by day. Esteem comes from behaving esteemably.....not a word but it's a thing

Welcome to the forum! Hang in there. Stay sober. The guilt will fade. Be proud that you are taking back your life.

LadyBug66

Welcome to SR! This forum truly saved me and helped me stay sober. All the anxiety and shame will go away with more sober time under your belt. Like what Nonsensical said, try and be a friend to yourself. Congrats on a month sober! That is great!

tomsteve

the day after my last drunk i felt i was a useless,worthless,hopeless,helpless POS.
the day after my last drunk was the first day i wasnt trying to stuff the insanity of years and years of insane actions both while drunk and sober.
i used my past to learn about me- to learn what made me tick. the "why" behind it all. that also helped me see what i needed to work on changing.

today my past is a very valuable posession. i neither regret it nor wish to forget it. if i forget it ill repeat it. if i regret it all get drunk. it doesnt haunt me,too, because im not that man any more. im very blessed to have lived 2 lives.

3trees

It's funny, I am on day 23, and it seems like this is happening with me too. Thoughts pop in my head of awful moments and then a voice says "you were drunk" and the shame and embarrassment starts all over again.

I wish I could go back in time and stop the moment from happening.

Same with looking at photographs from family times or even when the kids were little. I look at my face in the photos and I say to myself "you were so hungover" ... "you were drunk" and it robs that memory of any joy.

I appreciate what you say here, Hevyn, because it does trigger just numbing all of that with drinking again. But, I have to believe it is the mind's way of healing and "coming to the surface."

I think the memories for others (and what we put them through) fades much faster than our own. I have to trust that people love me unconditionally and accept my mistakes....just as I love them unconditionally and accept their mistakes.

I hope these shameful thoughts fade for all of us over time. The best way to handle them is to let them humble us, I suppose. Motivate us to never go there again....

Soberlife35

That's exactly how I feel 3trees. There are memory's of great days I've had with family/friends at weddings days out etc, then I'll remember that at the end of it I got so drunk I did or said something to ruin it,and instantly the good memory is zapped and replaced with one that I am ashamed and embarrassed by. You are right about others forgiving and forgetting what you have done faster than you forgive yourself, I guess it is all part of the illness that is alcoholism, and I guess by everyone's else's reply that it's gets easier to deal with. The one positive that I am feeling now I'm sober is that with the huge list of things ive done and people I've hurt while drinking that the list ends here. Thats whats pushing me forward and stopping me reaching for the bottle.x

Daisybelle

I'm on day 18 and I know just where you are coming from, I feel exactly the same about myself. I can't believe I've let myself go back to that dark place and had to start all over again after all the promises I made to myself and to my family..
I have flash backs all the time about the idiotic, dangerous, irresponsible things I have done whilst I've been under the influence of alcohol. I look at photo's of family events and at photo's of my beautiful grandchildren and I can see it in my eyes and my puffy face how drunk I was. I feel so ashamed, embarrassed and full of remorse.
I want to stay sober so badly now, I am determined to do it, I've said sorry too many times, words are cheap so now I am going to show everyone how serious I am. I try so hard every day to be a much better person. I need to make amends to myself and to my family and I will have to do it with actions. No one can beat themselves up more than I do.
I hope these thoughts and memories will fade with time.
Love to all xx

Bird615

Welcome to SR, Soberlife!

I did the same kinds of things and was filled with self-disgust and self-hatred. I would drink even more to blot it all out, so it was a hellish cycle I was trapped in.

When I finally ended up in a detox, knowing I couldn't handle drinking anymore but having no idea how to live without it, a woman from AA came to visit me.

She told me that one day I'd be able to look people in the eye again. That's all it took. I wanted that so bad, that I chose sobriety and AA and followed up with rehab and a commitment to the AA program.

It took several months of work and by the time I was halfway through the 12 Steps, what she promised began to come true. I began to feel better about myself and more able to let go of the things I was ashamed of as time went on.

Continuing to stay sober and work towards a better life for yourself will help to ease those bad feelings in time.

Soberlife35

Daisybelle I think we are all our own worst ememys. The memory's or lack of, and shame is awful. However I am hopeful that in time they will fade as we continue our sober journey. I have wasted years of my life being drunk or hungover and don't want to waste anymore feeling guilty and ashamed of myself. At the end of the day we are all here for a reason and trying to get better. For the time being I would always rather have these real feelings, wether they be good or bad sober, than be drunk and them be clouded by the alcohol and wake up the next day feeling 10 times worse. I'm positive it will get better in time.x

Nonsensical

There is a tremendous amount of power hidden in your stated observation.
If this is something I am doing to myself, then I can also stop doing it to myself. I could stop treating myself like an enemy.
I could be kind and compassionate to myself.
I could even start treating myself like my very best friend.

It took me a long time (and a lot of work) to get from self-loathing to stopping in front of the mirror every morning and saying, "I stayed sober yesterday. That was my gift to you. And you're so awesome I'm going to do it again today."
But I do it.

Drink a lot of water today.
You have work to do.

thomas11

At some point in the future, I think its important to forgive yourself. I understand that right now the wounds are fresh and you can't forgive yourself. But in time if you remain sober and live life the right way, maybe you can convince yourself you've earned the right to be forgiven.

fini

Soberlife,
i never "forgave myself" as such, but worked hard on accepting that it had been me who had done those things that hurt others and took advantage in selfish ways.
after i had been sober a while and connected with other sober alcoholics, i saw that the 12-step program included a process for addressing the hurtful actions/lack of actions of my past, and i could address them in a responsible way and make amends.
i found this helped me with self-acceptance as well as restoring some relationships; a general yet specific "cleaning up". forgetting wasn't something i could do...in fact, the memories and clarity of seeing what i had done in the past became more acute.

there are ways for you to address this if you so choose.

way to go on your sober month and keep on keeping on!