jessie65

Hi all, just wanted to check in here, it's been Sooo long since I've posted. I do pop in once in a while to read though.

I hit 2 years sober on Dec 5 2017. I wish I could say things are fabulous but I just can't seem to fix my life. I know what I 'need' to do I think, but can't bring myself to do it.
I've been with 'him' for about 40 years, since I was a kid, and it's all I know right now and I think it might be worse leaving.... We are business partners only, but still legally married so I'm in a total rut there.

But anyway, was having drinking thoughts after all this time, scares the heck out of me. I know I would face complete mental devastation come morning if I went that route.
I've found moments of peace in my life. I don't have that soul destroying guilt and shame that I lived with during my alcoholism.
I live every day just doing 'the next right thing.' I try my best to be a great mom and my kids know that now, and I really do have great kids.

I just haven't found life happiness, I go through my days putting one foot in front of the other.. I honestly do not have a single friend that I can just talk to. (extreme shyness that I also can't get around without the drink) I talk to myself more & more lately. I live with chronic physical pain that I no longer have relief for. I can no longer numb my mental anguish, or stop the racing thoughts. Nothing really works, and yes in all my sober time I feel I Have tried everything. Nothing works like the alcohol did, even if it was just temporary.

But I'm sober and have no plans to drink at the moment. Just wanted to say hi and maybe get some ideas on how to get through the rest of my life, whatever time I have left ..to suffer through, lol.
Hope you all are well.

FreeOwl

HI!!!

Good for you recognizing the need to reach out.

Sounds to me like a good time to redouble on SOBRIETY and on looking at what actions you need to take to continue to cultivate happiness and joy and abundance in a sober life.

When I find myself up against the sort of thoughts, emotions and situation that you seem to be right now - I find it helpful to work with a counselor to help me get honest and clear on my own actions and priorities and needs.

Whatever ya do, don't drink. That won't solve anything.

JJ991

I agree that a counsellor is a good idea. Also some sort of therapy to tackle those thoughts, that chattering mind - it is possible to turn that chatter down, it is something I worked on and it does help.
2 years is amazing, excellent!

Dee74

Hi Jessie - congrats on 2 years

Some of the long standing issues in my life didn't go away quickly. I had to work on them, as well as working on staying sober.

There's marvellous support and understanding here tho - as you know and some good ideas too

welcome back!

D

Missy7

Are you going to AA? Try it. You will immediately have friends who understand and people to talk to.

Something I'm learning that might help, "lower your expectations." Remember the roller coaster of elation and despair? It sucked. Maybe the even glide is boring, but relax and take it.

Anna

Jessie, two years of recovery is great!

I wonder if you might be depressed? Have you talked to your dr? I take antidepressants and have for years. They don't make everything sunshine and roses, but they do help me. Now, I know that the bad days won't last. There is always hope. I hope that you find some peace.

wiscsober

I've made good headway addressing anxiety while sober with the help of meds and cognitive therapy. The depression was dealt with first.

Rar

Two years is great Jessie. I'm glad you came here. It helps to be among friends, albeit cyber friends, who understand and can lend support.

I understand about the pain and yes, it can be most discouraging. You're very brave and an inspiration to me. ((HUG))

columbus

Not that I do it, but...

have you considered the possibility of doing some kind of non-physical volunteer work to help ease you out of your isolation, focus your being elsewhere for at least an hour or two?

jessie65

Thanks guys, I appreciate the feedback.

The last time I tried to get help for my depression I left feeling ashamed and embarrassed. I haven't been back. Back home (been in another state for 10+ years) I had a wonderful doctor that did everything she could to help me with my depression, but didn't really understand alcoholism. I was on meds when I came here but went off everything because we had no insurance. I wish I could get up the nerve to ask for help again but there is such a stigma attached to mental illness, plus I have no insurance, and also 'he' just rolls his eyes at me as if to say snap out of it.

I really want to talk to a counselor and I've tried to find one. It seems most are not accepting new patients. I do need somebody to help me figure out what I should do. It's such a long sordid story I can't really go into it all but it has me pretty messed up.

I already know that drinking will make everything worse, so I ignore the whispers from the AV. Never thought I'd hear from that beast again so it has me panicking a bit.

I have thought about volunteering but right now I'm having trouble just functioning every day, and meeting my own responsibilities.

Thanks for the ideas, I've been reading here a lot and it does help.

Hawkeye13

I found yoga great help for chronic pain and overall very helpful for mood.

Even better is signing up for a set of classes locally--people are nice,
you get good information on positions, etc., and it is a kind of "social life"
for me as I am isolated too.

No matter what state you are in physically, you can do yoga.
There are always modifications for each position.
When I started I was like a rusty deck chair and couldn't turn my neck to back up my car.

After a year, I could move my neck freely and put my palms under my feet with a straight back.

Pretty good for someone who was over 50 and sitting at a desk for years.
More importantly, I felt so much calmer and at peace.
There's lots of videos free online too if you want to start that way.

Bottom line though, is that someone is draining your life energy and peace
and facing that will eventually need to happen.

You deserve to be happy.

Rar

Hi Jess - I googled YouTube videos for beginners yoga. There's tons of them. Hawkeye had an excellent suggestion. Thanks Hawkeye. I also suffer from chronic pain (even my thumbs hurt sometime). LOL. Anyway, I don't know why I didn't think of this. I'm going to try it.

I started one exercise (sitting on the floor) and had to struggle getting up again. I'll have to find something else to do while I'm down there. I can see that it might work. I hope you'll join me Jessie. .