Now or never
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I'm sorry you have so much trouble following through on your declarations Stewy but I understand it.
Change is hard, and action is scary and even tho my life as it was sucked I knew it's parameters, it was familiar to me.
You've grown familiar with drinking and despair.
You've grown so comfortable it permeates every facet of your life -work home, band - and every relationship you have - parents, daughter etc.
The only way out of that torpor is serious and sustained action.
You can do it like I did and nearly die and instantly find the motivation to change everything - but a lot of people wait for that 'painted into a corner' moment and it either never happens, cos they have loved ones to clean up the mess, or they die.
You have several great things in your life - a job, chance of promotion, loving parents, a daughter, and band of mates...you have a great chance to take action now and not lose any of those things from your life.
I don't think the chances of you taking that action are enhanced by your leaving SR.
I think that things will continue to get worse without the chorus of folks who really care about you trying to get you to take some decisive action.
D
Change is hard, and action is scary and even tho my life as it was sucked I knew it's parameters, it was familiar to me.
You've grown familiar with drinking and despair.
You've grown so comfortable it permeates every facet of your life -work home, band - and every relationship you have - parents, daughter etc.
The only way out of that torpor is serious and sustained action.
You can do it like I did and nearly die and instantly find the motivation to change everything - but a lot of people wait for that 'painted into a corner' moment and it either never happens, cos they have loved ones to clean up the mess, or they die.
You have several great things in your life - a job, chance of promotion, loving parents, a daughter, and band of mates...you have a great chance to take action now and not lose any of those things from your life.
I don't think the chances of you taking that action are enhanced by your leaving SR.
I think that things will continue to get worse without the chorus of folks who really care about you trying to get you to take some decisive action.
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by Stew1984 
You guys are good people. I’m not able to be honest at the minute and commit. So I’m going to take a break to shift my mindset. I’ve been crying the past few days. A lot of it to do with my old girlfriend. Not because I miss her. But the negative impact she had and how it’s giving me sleepless nights. Lots of little subtle abusive traits that I felt at the time and didn’t act. They are scaring me and affecting my self esteem. I’ve beaten myself up loads over it. In reality though, I’m not a bad lad, I play guitar, I’m a dad, I help people in my job, I love my family, I admit if there is an issue...
I think we’re all fed up of Stewy telling lies here. I’m not looking for attention or pity. It’s better I just say right now that I need to shift mindset and come back when I’m serious and committed.
I’ll be back, I know I have a problem, I’m not denying it. It’s just a bit too intense for me right now. Got my house and old relationship to Bin off and start fresh
S x
I think we’re all fed up of Stewy telling lies here. I’m not looking for attention or pity. It’s better I just say right now that I need to shift mindset and come back when I’m serious and committed.
I’ll be back, I know I have a problem, I’m not denying it. It’s just a bit too intense for me right now. Got my house and old relationship to Bin off and start fresh
S x
Any way Its time to man up brother, no reason to sit around and cry over a girl there are plenty of them out there.
Crank some good old hatebreed up it'll give you the mindset you need.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4J86Adx3iN4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i072ui6A9Co
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
I worry about your health suffering while you're making up your mind about quitting. We are always going to be here for you, Stewy. Please don't let go of the help & support you need. If you do take a break, I hope it's not for long. Praying for you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by Stew1984
Got to add more to the tool box haven’t I
I’ve scheduled some counselling through local services
I’ve got some through work too
I’ve got to do my interview prep for Friday with 100% clarity
This is the time isn’t it. Got to stop now. Forever
I’ve scheduled some counselling through local services
I’ve got some through work too
I’ve got to do my interview prep for Friday with 100% clarity
This is the time isn’t it. Got to stop now. Forever
Are you still going to this interview on Friday?
And when are the counselling sessions scheduled for?
BB
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 205
Using SR was equally as important as external services I used in my recovery. Reading, listening and watching recovery based things helped me keep focus, esp during the early months. You have to bombard yourself with information and surround yourself with a recovery blanket as your AV will be your biggest enemy.
The first stage is wanting to get and stay sober, I hope you find that point sooner rather than later.
on a side note, I found this guy very good in my recovery and would watch a video (if not more) at least once a day. Good luck on your journey Stewie.
https://www.youtube.com/user/AlcoholMasteryTV/videos
The first stage is wanting to get and stay sober, I hope you find that point sooner rather than later.
on a side note, I found this guy very good in my recovery and would watch a video (if not more) at least once a day. Good luck on your journey Stewie.
https://www.youtube.com/user/AlcoholMasteryTV/videos
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 222
I genuinely feel wrecked inside
Everyone saying “you should be well over this relationship” and “just forget it”- I actually need to talk about it- a lot went on in that relationship and I totally lost myself in it and who I was. I made mistakes but do you know what? I admitted them, and tried . I tried to fix her, no avail. I couldn’t mention anything without it being an argument. Bad environment for my daughter. Everything then was affected. I’m getting some counselling for all of this as I know this is an alcohol related forum and not too relevant. I do in fact think reflecting back that she was subtly emotionally abusive- my dad said he has been around people long enough and something wasn’t right with her. I want to erase her from my mind.
It’s my interview tomorrow. It is my birthday tomorrow. I’m panicking to get the presentation done. I’m tired, worn out with it all on a constant chaotic spiral. I genuinely feel like my mind is in turmoil with it all. I’m not looking for anyone to go there there Stewy carry on drinking it’s fine. I’m not looking to dupe anyone to get attention. I’ve always shirked attention- I wish I was the Stewy before any of my relationships with these emotionally unavailable women- it takes two to tango but when you have the feeling I have in my gut when I think of her which is on a constant broken loop at the moment can’t think straight want clarity of why she was the way she was it’s not coming is it.
In my own time relationship wreckage can be processed. Endless poison has prolonged an already traumatic mess. Panicking about my presentation and pretty much the few days ahead. Can’t see a way out right now, I really can’t. Not sleeping having endless thoughts about what happened and want to let go but it’s not happening. Emptied room again of cans, poured everything away, hugged my mum, every one trying to big me up and help support me- it is me- I’m not getting it- I’ve got NO self esteem let alone LOW self esteem.
Everyone saying “you should be well over this relationship” and “just forget it”- I actually need to talk about it- a lot went on in that relationship and I totally lost myself in it and who I was. I made mistakes but do you know what? I admitted them, and tried . I tried to fix her, no avail. I couldn’t mention anything without it being an argument. Bad environment for my daughter. Everything then was affected. I’m getting some counselling for all of this as I know this is an alcohol related forum and not too relevant. I do in fact think reflecting back that she was subtly emotionally abusive- my dad said he has been around people long enough and something wasn’t right with her. I want to erase her from my mind.
It’s my interview tomorrow. It is my birthday tomorrow. I’m panicking to get the presentation done. I’m tired, worn out with it all on a constant chaotic spiral. I genuinely feel like my mind is in turmoil with it all. I’m not looking for anyone to go there there Stewy carry on drinking it’s fine. I’m not looking to dupe anyone to get attention. I’ve always shirked attention- I wish I was the Stewy before any of my relationships with these emotionally unavailable women- it takes two to tango but when you have the feeling I have in my gut when I think of her which is on a constant broken loop at the moment can’t think straight want clarity of why she was the way she was it’s not coming is it.
In my own time relationship wreckage can be processed. Endless poison has prolonged an already traumatic mess. Panicking about my presentation and pretty much the few days ahead. Can’t see a way out right now, I really can’t. Not sleeping having endless thoughts about what happened and want to let go but it’s not happening. Emptied room again of cans, poured everything away, hugged my mum, every one trying to big me up and help support me- it is me- I’m not getting it- I’ve got NO self esteem let alone LOW self esteem.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I've often said I drank to try and make the intolerable tolerable.
Drinkings not actually dealing with any of your emotional pain or fear- you're numbing yourself out specifically to not deal with it.
sober up again and the pain and fear is still there...so you reach for the only tool you have - booze..and the merry go round starts again.
You can tell yourself that the only way you'll get through the next few days is by drinking...or you can finally start to look at solutions rather than indulging yourself in more self administered beatups, smack downs and general self disgust.
No one can end that cycle but you, man.
I had no self esteem either and I hated myself. Thats the way human beings rationalise drinking themselves to death.
Write down everything you've done for recovery this last year. Then everything you've done to keep drinking.
I'm betting there's a huge disparity there, and until you even up the ledger, I fear it's more of the same Stewy.
D
Drinkings not actually dealing with any of your emotional pain or fear- you're numbing yourself out specifically to not deal with it.
sober up again and the pain and fear is still there...so you reach for the only tool you have - booze..and the merry go round starts again.
You can tell yourself that the only way you'll get through the next few days is by drinking...or you can finally start to look at solutions rather than indulging yourself in more self administered beatups, smack downs and general self disgust.
No one can end that cycle but you, man.
I had no self esteem either and I hated myself. Thats the way human beings rationalise drinking themselves to death.
Write down everything you've done for recovery this last year. Then everything you've done to keep drinking.
I'm betting there's a huge disparity there, and until you even up the ledger, I fear it's more of the same Stewy.
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
stewy, i am STILL going to be honest and say this was predictable.
groundhog week.
every week.
stewys way. in stewys time- a common theme.
MILLIONS of people have a birthday EVERY day and dont think nothing of it.
come to think of it, i had one monday-13 years sober. i didnt even realize it because its just another day just like my birthday is just another day.
FEAR
**** Everything And Run
or
Face Everything And Recover.
groundhog week.
every week.
stewys way. in stewys time- a common theme.
MILLIONS of people have a birthday EVERY day and dont think nothing of it.
come to think of it, i had one monday-13 years sober. i didnt even realize it because its just another day just like my birthday is just another day.
FEAR
**** Everything And Run
or
Face Everything And Recover.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 58
[QUOTE=Stew1984;6872747]
I tried to fix her, no avail.
Believing you can "fix someone" is setting yourself up for failure. We can't change people. And if people do change for us, they just end up resenting us for it. It's also not fair to expect people to change for us. Work on accepting people for who they are. If who someone is is not acceptable to you, you need to learn to be able to let that person go instead of trying to change them.
I couldn’t mention anything without it being an argument.
If this is the dynamic in the relationship, it becomes unsustainable. Not being able to communicate and resolve problems in relationships will inevitably lead to the end of relationships. And we are always better off without these kind of relationships.
Bad environment for my daughter. Everything then was affected. I’m getting some counselling for all of this as I know this is an alcohol related forum and not too relevant.
I'm glad you're getting counseling for it because it sounds like a traumatic experience that you need to heal from.
Stewy before any of my relationships with these emotionally unavailable women-
Sounds like there's been more than one emotionally unavailable woman. Is there any reason this is a pattern for you? Maybe ask yourself why you're choosing these kind of women?
a constant broken loop at the moment can’t think straight want clarity of why she was the way she was it’s not coming is it.
It's a constant loop because you want answers you can't get. This person is the way she is and you can't change that. You can only change yourself. Once you realise this, you will set yourself free from the broken loop.
Hope you can put the relationship breakdown behind you soon so you can focus on your own mental and physical well-being.
Good luck with everything.
I tried to fix her, no avail.
Believing you can "fix someone" is setting yourself up for failure. We can't change people. And if people do change for us, they just end up resenting us for it. It's also not fair to expect people to change for us. Work on accepting people for who they are. If who someone is is not acceptable to you, you need to learn to be able to let that person go instead of trying to change them.
I couldn’t mention anything without it being an argument.
If this is the dynamic in the relationship, it becomes unsustainable. Not being able to communicate and resolve problems in relationships will inevitably lead to the end of relationships. And we are always better off without these kind of relationships.
Bad environment for my daughter. Everything then was affected. I’m getting some counselling for all of this as I know this is an alcohol related forum and not too relevant.
I'm glad you're getting counseling for it because it sounds like a traumatic experience that you need to heal from.
Stewy before any of my relationships with these emotionally unavailable women-
Sounds like there's been more than one emotionally unavailable woman. Is there any reason this is a pattern for you? Maybe ask yourself why you're choosing these kind of women?
a constant broken loop at the moment can’t think straight want clarity of why she was the way she was it’s not coming is it.
It's a constant loop because you want answers you can't get. This person is the way she is and you can't change that. You can only change yourself. Once you realise this, you will set yourself free from the broken loop.
Hope you can put the relationship breakdown behind you soon so you can focus on your own mental and physical well-being.
Good luck with everything.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Gotta be honest Stewy, all I see here is yet more excuses for your drinking - not solutions. I count at least 5 separate problems you cite here - and not a single one of them will ever be solved until you stop drinking. Drinking is THE problem, and the only one you should be focusing on.
You've also conveniently avoided all the questions you've been asked once again about actual solutions to your problem: What about the therapist? What about meetings? What about taking action?
Cleaning up the beer cans in your room is how this starts every single time - will this be yet another groundhog day or are you actually going to do someting about it?
You've also conveniently avoided all the questions you've been asked once again about actual solutions to your problem: What about the therapist? What about meetings? What about taking action?
Cleaning up the beer cans in your room is how this starts every single time - will this be yet another groundhog day or are you actually going to do someting about it?
Originally Posted by Stew1984
I genuinely feel wrecked inside
Everyone saying “you should be well over this relationship” and “just forget it”- I actually need to talk about it- a lot went on in that relationship and I totally lost myself in it and who I was. I made mistakes but do you know what? I admitted them, and tried . I tried to fix her, no avail. I couldn’t mention anything without it being an argument. Bad environment for my daughter. Everything then was affected. I’m getting some counselling for all of this as I know this is an alcohol related forum and not too relevant. I do in fact think reflecting back that she was subtly emotionally abusive- my dad said he has been around people long enough and something wasn’t right with her. I want to erase her from my mind.
It’s my interview tomorrow. It is my birthday tomorrow. I’m panicking to get the presentation done. I’m tired, worn out with it all on a constant chaotic spiral. I genuinely feel like my mind is in turmoil with it all. I’m not looking for anyone to go there there Stewy carry on drinking it’s fine. I’m not looking to dupe anyone to get attention. I’ve always shirked attention- I wish I was the Stewy before any of my relationships with these emotionally unavailable women- it takes two to tango but when you have the feeling I have in my gut when I think of her which is on a constant broken loop at the moment can’t think straight want clarity of why she was the way she was it’s not coming is it.
In my own time relationship wreckage can be processed. Endless poison has prolonged an already traumatic mess. Panicking about my presentation and pretty much the few days ahead. Can’t see a way out right now, I really can’t. Not sleeping having endless thoughts about what happened and want to let go but it’s not happening. Emptied room again of cans, poured everything away, hugged my mum, every one trying to big me up and help support me- it is me- I’m not getting it- I’ve got NO self esteem let alone LOW self esteem.
Everyone saying “you should be well over this relationship” and “just forget it”- I actually need to talk about it- a lot went on in that relationship and I totally lost myself in it and who I was. I made mistakes but do you know what? I admitted them, and tried . I tried to fix her, no avail. I couldn’t mention anything without it being an argument. Bad environment for my daughter. Everything then was affected. I’m getting some counselling for all of this as I know this is an alcohol related forum and not too relevant. I do in fact think reflecting back that she was subtly emotionally abusive- my dad said he has been around people long enough and something wasn’t right with her. I want to erase her from my mind.
It’s my interview tomorrow. It is my birthday tomorrow. I’m panicking to get the presentation done. I’m tired, worn out with it all on a constant chaotic spiral. I genuinely feel like my mind is in turmoil with it all. I’m not looking for anyone to go there there Stewy carry on drinking it’s fine. I’m not looking to dupe anyone to get attention. I’ve always shirked attention- I wish I was the Stewy before any of my relationships with these emotionally unavailable women- it takes two to tango but when you have the feeling I have in my gut when I think of her which is on a constant broken loop at the moment can’t think straight want clarity of why she was the way she was it’s not coming is it.
In my own time relationship wreckage can be processed. Endless poison has prolonged an already traumatic mess. Panicking about my presentation and pretty much the few days ahead. Can’t see a way out right now, I really can’t. Not sleeping having endless thoughts about what happened and want to let go but it’s not happening. Emptied room again of cans, poured everything away, hugged my mum, every one trying to big me up and help support me- it is me- I’m not getting it- I’ve got NO self esteem let alone LOW self esteem.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Stewy, have you ever talked to a therapist or something about this relationship? Maybe you need to get a whole bunch of stuff off your chest and get some professional feedback. It might help you move past the current pain your are enduring.
Regarding the drinking, you had 10-11 days not long ago and I feared once you relapsed it may be a LONG time before you get to 10 days again. That's why we are alcoholics. Wish you the best man. Keep posting, don't go away.
Regarding the drinking, you had 10-11 days not long ago and I feared once you relapsed it may be a LONG time before you get to 10 days again. That's why we are alcoholics. Wish you the best man. Keep posting, don't go away.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,872
It is so difficult to watch you continue to struggle. We care so much about you, Stewy.
As thomas11 said, sessions with a therapist could be very beneficial. It has taken a long time to resolve the end of the relationships and to come to terms with its problems and adequacies. I hope that you take thomas11's suggestions.
It is likely,moo, that your alcoholic behaviors have majorly stalled your progress in that area as well. You haven't been sober long enough to clearly come to terms with the end of the relationships and its associated issues.
Therapy and sobriety could be the winning combination in that regard.
Please, Stewy, choose both. Your life and happiness depend on it.
Here to support you, as always.
As thomas11 said, sessions with a therapist could be very beneficial. It has taken a long time to resolve the end of the relationships and to come to terms with its problems and adequacies. I hope that you take thomas11's suggestions.
It is likely,moo, that your alcoholic behaviors have majorly stalled your progress in that area as well. You haven't been sober long enough to clearly come to terms with the end of the relationships and its associated issues.
Therapy and sobriety could be the winning combination in that regard.
Please, Stewy, choose both. Your life and happiness depend on it.
Here to support you, as always.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Stew, I invite you to really think about how your obsession with your ex mimics your obsession with alcohol. It's an addiction. Treat the underlying causes of your alcoholism and you will concurrently treat your underlying issues to people addiction. Same shlit, different shovel. If left untreated, you will repeat the pattern with another woman.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
This song/video describes your drinking and ex-relationship... a wreck. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UDGJGSc_iLE
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,476
Hey Stewy,
Sorry you are feeling pulled into many directions. I guarantee you that if you were sober, the chaos would be easier to handle. Glad that you are seeing a therapist, it will help you deal with your emotions. Please know, if you are drinking during the time you are going to therapy, it won't work.
Sorry you are feeling pulled into many directions. I guarantee you that if you were sober, the chaos would be easier to handle. Glad that you are seeing a therapist, it will help you deal with your emotions. Please know, if you are drinking during the time you are going to therapy, it won't work.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Stewy, I'm glad you posted. I know you can see that you're holding yourself down - prolonging the pain & not healing. It doesn't need to continue this way indefinitely. Your precious life is passing you by.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
your way is not and has not worked.
your way can't see you through 12 hours sober.
nothing in your life has a chance to improve unless you STOP DRINKING.
what are you willing to do for your recovery TODAY?
what WILL you do for your recovery today?
you aren't any good to anyone in this state and you are spiraling downward.
surrender..........or stay stuck.
your CHOICE.
your way can't see you through 12 hours sober.
nothing in your life has a chance to improve unless you STOP DRINKING.
what are you willing to do for your recovery TODAY?
what WILL you do for your recovery today?
you aren't any good to anyone in this state and you are spiraling downward.
surrender..........or stay stuck.
your CHOICE.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hope your interview goes well Stewy.
And that, however it goes, you don't make your success or it not going how you wanted into your rationalisation-de-la-jour for drinking. As has been said round here lots of times, sobriety and recovery are all about learning new perspectives and ways of thinking so we can deal with and accept life of life's terms. When I was still drinking and first trying to get sober I thought I HAD to drink because it's how I could get through MY rotten life. Of course, the main reason it was rotten was because I was making things so much more messy, hopeless and depressing with my own drinking. But the second biggest reason it seemed so rotten was because of my stinking thinking - even more important if you're someone who struggles in this area anyway. That took longer to change and I needed a lot of help with it and it was hard work. But now it's like being a different person. But we can't do that second thing til we've done the first. It is doable though. Plenty of testimony to that here. There IS hope.
Now, go blast em with your presentation at this interview.
BB
And that, however it goes, you don't make your success or it not going how you wanted into your rationalisation-de-la-jour for drinking. As has been said round here lots of times, sobriety and recovery are all about learning new perspectives and ways of thinking so we can deal with and accept life of life's terms. When I was still drinking and first trying to get sober I thought I HAD to drink because it's how I could get through MY rotten life. Of course, the main reason it was rotten was because I was making things so much more messy, hopeless and depressing with my own drinking. But the second biggest reason it seemed so rotten was because of my stinking thinking - even more important if you're someone who struggles in this area anyway. That took longer to change and I needed a lot of help with it and it was hard work. But now it's like being a different person. But we can't do that second thing til we've done the first. It is doable though. Plenty of testimony to that here. There IS hope.
Now, go blast em with your presentation at this interview.
BB
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