Big changes
 

At 10 months I feel like have run the gamut of emotions. My physical change in weight is astounding. I need to tone up but I'm in the best physical shape of my life I think. I feel so empowered (yet unsure, if tgat makes any sense?!) by all these emotional and physical changes that I think I'm turning into a really big conceited brat. Or that's who I have only ever been and only now am I trying to examine myself? I do not know, but I feel like a shite human right now.
Im still having a hard time processing thoughts and memory is awful. My verbal filter is hard to conjure up consistently. I just blurt sometimes hurtful things. I cant contain my feelings on my face
This job has been very good for me. But the environment is not healthy. Alcoholism in many forms. Vastly inappropriate in so many fashions. And these customers are relentless. It's really getting to me. The hours, tge stress, the lack of compensation.
About a month ago I got smoked weed with a guy and had sex with him. Never saw him again. Talked to him a couple times but I'm uninterested. But continued smoking. Alone. Not good. Not thinking about alcohol at all but smoking, eating, shopping and getting laid? All about those. I don't even know who I am right now.
I feel like isolating for fear of saying something cutting to anyone or making any more bad choices. I need to focus on consciously acting more gracefully and get humbled. Just feel like I've worked myself into a headspace I don't like and it needs to be reigned in.
It is not lost on me the correlation between the weed and the decline, altho the shopping and sex were first. Had been uber conscious about actual food but with weed came munchies.
Think I just talked myself through this whole thing. Lol.
I'm still pretty sick with this disease, just in other facets. For the love of Pete, what an idiot I am.
My gosh there is so much more to this, stuff I don't even allow myself to think of (my child in another time zone) that is causing my want to numb some.
Its a profound hurt to be without my child, I cant even really allow myself to think on it much. Its really leveling if I dip too far into it.
Also am extremely lonely for my person. But dating today is a mine field. It's truly out of hand.
I guess that's all I have for now. Surely its enough. Just find this the safest place to be completely honest. Thanks for listening.
Jules

Hi Jules

first off congrats on 10 months :)

I think addiction can be a hard beast to beat sometimes - we defeat it in one form, stop the effort, and it reappears as another things being it shopping, gambling, working, sex...

I tried to fill the void in me with some much stuff. Nothing worked.

The void is unfillable - but it's not unhealable :)

Maybe that what all this is about?

In any case, if you have things, habits feelings or behaviours that are negatively impacting your life and not letting you be who you want to be, I think they need attention?

No point in doing all this work to get only halfway home, right? :)

D

Right.
Exactly!
Thank you. I missed you!
Tomorrow is a new day.
I know what I need to do.
xx
Jules

Hmm I can relate in a few ways. Thought about taking up smoking weed again but I've lost too much weight to take on the empty calories. Vanity has its advantages I suppose. I'm in a stuck in limbo "dating" situation which could be frustrating if I allowed it to become the center of my attention. Surrounded by alcohol and alcoholism at work.

I figure it might take over a year to change all the things I have the power to change but all we can do is keep pushing forwards and be grateful for the positives..