I'm baaaaack!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 782
I'm baaaaack!
A little gallows humor to start things off. 
So here it is. In the last 3-4 weeks:
(1) my mother passed away.
(2) My wife told me she was having an affair -- which she now tells me was a lie to get my attention (not sure what to believe there; but I tend to believe her; nonetheless, it points to SERIOUS problems in the marriage).
(3) My darling 16 year old daughter (I don't think I have posted about this), was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for depression -- she was not only having suicidal ideations, but making plans (thank God she recognized she needed help) to kill herself. This alone has been devastating. She is out now and in therapy.
(4) And, (what should be the least of my worries) I have VERY important business dealings to close, and my business is having cash flow issues. Lots of profit potential, but the cash is not coming in right now. If anyone has any experience, dealing with bankers, it is a MF-er. And to boot, my assistant knows I am in a crunch re his help, and is sticking me up for $$ at the exact time I cannot afford it. He knows I need him right now. When the $$ comes in, I am firing his a$$.
Let's see.... what am I leaving out?
I do not get along with my stepdaughter, and my mother-in-law is with me 4 nights out of the week.
Jesus Christ.
Then to add to the fun, both of my strapping young sons are in the combat arms (one is a gun bunny (artillery) in the U.S. Army; the other is a forward observer (his job is to get REALLY close to the enemy and call in "fire" (artillery, air power, mortars, naval guns, etc.)) in the Army). Needless to say, I worry about them all the time, especially with President Bad Hair running things.
Let's see.... what else?
Oh, and I am an alcoholic. And I know, that is the WORST thing of all. And if I do not address THAT, well, I know, and you know. I need to be there for my daughter. I need to be a better husband. I need to be a better father. I must have strength to lead my business through this tough time. But, I cannot do it alone. I need help.
About two weeks ago I had put together the longest string of sobriety I have done since I went through detox in December 2016. Then one day, when I was on the road on business, I gave in. I chucked the "Plan" out the window. I've been on the roller coaster since.
The pattern is the same. Anxiety. Drink. Drink to stem off anxiety from having drank. Rinse. Repeat.
I am so tired. I drank again today. Just to stave off the overwhelming anxiety. The plan? Start minute to minute. Tonight, I am going to an AA meeting. I will not drink the rest of the day. Tomorrow, I will travel on business. If (and I will), I have the urge to drink I will call my sponsor or someone else on my AA list -- or even my wife. I have to go back to basics (for those who will pose the question "what will you do different, this is it. I have not taken advantage of my AA colleagues help). Of course, I will post here (which I have also not done at critical times).
The thing that is so frustrating is this. I know what I need to do. It is all right there. As Robert Frost once wrote:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
I know the two roads. One leads off of a cliff. One's destination is a bit unknown -- but by all those who chose to take it, it has made all the difference. I must muster all the strength I have, and beg for my Higher Power to keep me on that path.
Well, off to the meeting. I have shed a few tears while writing this. Not sure why. But I have. If and when I get through this, I will be one bad MF-er -- even badder then when I was a U.S. Marine.
So here it is. In the last 3-4 weeks:
(1) my mother passed away.
(2) My wife told me she was having an affair -- which she now tells me was a lie to get my attention (not sure what to believe there; but I tend to believe her; nonetheless, it points to SERIOUS problems in the marriage).
(3) My darling 16 year old daughter (I don't think I have posted about this), was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for depression -- she was not only having suicidal ideations, but making plans (thank God she recognized she needed help) to kill herself. This alone has been devastating. She is out now and in therapy.
(4) And, (what should be the least of my worries) I have VERY important business dealings to close, and my business is having cash flow issues. Lots of profit potential, but the cash is not coming in right now. If anyone has any experience, dealing with bankers, it is a MF-er. And to boot, my assistant knows I am in a crunch re his help, and is sticking me up for $$ at the exact time I cannot afford it. He knows I need him right now. When the $$ comes in, I am firing his a$$.
Let's see.... what am I leaving out?
I do not get along with my stepdaughter, and my mother-in-law is with me 4 nights out of the week.
Jesus Christ.
Then to add to the fun, both of my strapping young sons are in the combat arms (one is a gun bunny (artillery) in the U.S. Army; the other is a forward observer (his job is to get REALLY close to the enemy and call in "fire" (artillery, air power, mortars, naval guns, etc.)) in the Army). Needless to say, I worry about them all the time, especially with President Bad Hair running things.
Let's see.... what else?
Oh, and I am an alcoholic. And I know, that is the WORST thing of all. And if I do not address THAT, well, I know, and you know. I need to be there for my daughter. I need to be a better husband. I need to be a better father. I must have strength to lead my business through this tough time. But, I cannot do it alone. I need help.
About two weeks ago I had put together the longest string of sobriety I have done since I went through detox in December 2016. Then one day, when I was on the road on business, I gave in. I chucked the "Plan" out the window. I've been on the roller coaster since.
The pattern is the same. Anxiety. Drink. Drink to stem off anxiety from having drank. Rinse. Repeat.
I am so tired. I drank again today. Just to stave off the overwhelming anxiety. The plan? Start minute to minute. Tonight, I am going to an AA meeting. I will not drink the rest of the day. Tomorrow, I will travel on business. If (and I will), I have the urge to drink I will call my sponsor or someone else on my AA list -- or even my wife. I have to go back to basics (for those who will pose the question "what will you do different, this is it. I have not taken advantage of my AA colleagues help). Of course, I will post here (which I have also not done at critical times).
The thing that is so frustrating is this. I know what I need to do. It is all right there. As Robert Frost once wrote:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
I know the two roads. One leads off of a cliff. One's destination is a bit unknown -- but by all those who chose to take it, it has made all the difference. I must muster all the strength I have, and beg for my Higher Power to keep me on that path.
Well, off to the meeting. I have shed a few tears while writing this. Not sure why. But I have. If and when I get through this, I will be one bad MF-er -- even badder then when I was a U.S. Marine.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Horn, I don't blame you for seeking relief from all that you've been through - but it's not to be found by drinking. I insisted for years that it was helping me cope & calming me down. All it did was make me disoriented, raise my blood pressure, & increase my anxiety. When I look back at my behavior, I can't believe I justified it for so long. We're lucky to get out alive. I'm happy you're back, with new resolve. You can do this! There is no doubt.
Thank you for serving in the USMC. Prayers for your sons in the Army.
Thank you for serving in the USMC. Prayers for your sons in the Army.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,436
Sounds like you have a full plate - but it also sounds like you've had full plates before.
Sober is definitely the default needed.
Sounds like a good basics of a plan if you can put it into action Horn
Man, not sure what to say to that affair lie thing.
seems like your marriage needs some work too.
I get recovery has to be paramount, but maybe it wouldn't hurt to let your wife in a little more on the struggle and how you're feeling?...it might save your marriage, if thats what you want.
D
Sober is definitely the default needed.
Sounds like a good basics of a plan if you can put it into action Horn
Man, not sure what to say to that affair lie thing.
seems like your marriage needs some work too.
I get recovery has to be paramount, but maybe it wouldn't hurt to let your wife in a little more on the struggle and how you're feeling?...it might save your marriage, if thats what you want.
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
You know I, among many, are here for you. Virtual world bs or whatever this is, it is real and you have many people pulling for you.
The valley you are walking through eventually will clear and the days will ease. The worst thing, which of course you know, is to drink through it.
Stay in touch with us man.
The valley you are walking through eventually will clear and the days will ease. The worst thing, which of course you know, is to drink through it.
Stay in touch with us man.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 967
It almost seems like a complete surrender in this dire situation would be to put everything on hold and do 30 days in inpatient rehab. There just seems to be too much going on that getting away seems the best thing to do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 782
Originally Posted by FreedomCA 
It almost seems like a complete surrender in this dire situation would be to put everything on hold and do 30 days in inpatient rehab. There just seems to be too much going on that getting away seems the best thing to do.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,921
There is a lot going on in your life, but getting drunk is not going to help.
At the end of my drinking days before I got sober, I had a lot going on on my life too. I could barely manage it all. And I thought that drinking to relax a bit was a good idea, and actually a reward I'd earned for making it through another difficult day.
In reality drinking was just adding another layer (or more) of complexity onto the crap I was dealing with. Plus I felt like crap, hungover in the morning, full of guilt and shame all day, and spending a lot of time trying to find just the right level of alcohol intoxication to obtain bliss. That was a pretty elusive state.
Just stay sober one day at a time, AA and your sponsor can help. Truly living one day at a time helps me. Projecting to far into the future often causes Fear, as many of us imagine worst case scenarios that rarely occur. I still have to watch myself with that.
At the end of my drinking days before I got sober, I had a lot going on on my life too. I could barely manage it all. And I thought that drinking to relax a bit was a good idea, and actually a reward I'd earned for making it through another difficult day.
In reality drinking was just adding another layer (or more) of complexity onto the crap I was dealing with. Plus I felt like crap, hungover in the morning, full of guilt and shame all day, and spending a lot of time trying to find just the right level of alcohol intoxication to obtain bliss. That was a pretty elusive state.
Just stay sober one day at a time, AA and your sponsor can help. Truly living one day at a time helps me. Projecting to far into the future often causes Fear, as many of us imagine worst case scenarios that rarely occur. I still have to watch myself with that.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
I have $3.95 in my account for the new business I/we started last month. Tomorrow it'll be a lot 'better'.."feast or famine" is the nature of the beast being self-employed..
I also went through the exact thing with my daughter when she was 15/16 with 'cutting'/depression and had her admitted for a week..she's 22 now and doing great!
Stay sober for yourself first and see what happens with the rest..way 'easier' to handle sober...
Wife's affair??...that's your call,but IME no one says stuff like that to get attention..keep an eye on that,but don't drink at it.
Prayers to your sons.
I also went through the exact thing with my daughter when she was 15/16 with 'cutting'/depression and had her admitted for a week..she's 22 now and doing great!
Stay sober for yourself first and see what happens with the rest..way 'easier' to handle sober...
Wife's affair??...that's your call,but IME no one says stuff like that to get attention..keep an eye on that,but don't drink at it.
Prayers to your sons.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
Horn, you are stronger than you know. You've been able to articulate what needs to be done. I just want you to know how you inspire the rest of us. You can do this. You are the leader of your family. You love your family.
I hope you continue to keep us posted on everything you have going on. You are one of the bravest I've met on this website. You will get through this mess.
I hope you continue to keep us posted on everything you have going on. You are one of the bravest I've met on this website. You will get through this mess.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hey Horn
Life does keep happening, drunk or sober. I'm so sorry for your struggles. I have a 17 yr old daughter and I think, even in the best case scenario, that age is tough.
I've shared this a couple of times but when I came back from rehab this time last year my daughter said to me "I need you Mom. I can't do this without you". For whatever reason that phrase squeezed into areas of my heart that I love you bounces off of. It really really hit me. I know that doesn't make much sense. I should know that what I was doing was destroying her (I'm not sure if you daughter lives with you but mine lives with me). Anyway, I DO stay sober for her. For me as well. But when that isn't enough, I remember those words and it gives me strength.
Hang in there. I hope you choose not to drink today.
Life does keep happening, drunk or sober. I'm so sorry for your struggles. I have a 17 yr old daughter and I think, even in the best case scenario, that age is tough.
I've shared this a couple of times but when I came back from rehab this time last year my daughter said to me "I need you Mom. I can't do this without you". For whatever reason that phrase squeezed into areas of my heart that I love you bounces off of. It really really hit me. I know that doesn't make much sense. I should know that what I was doing was destroying her (I'm not sure if you daughter lives with you but mine lives with me). Anyway, I DO stay sober for her. For me as well. But when that isn't enough, I remember those words and it gives me strength.
Hang in there. I hope you choose not to drink today.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Horn,
Prayers.
I love your post. You have a very likeable and endearing quality.
No advice here but my usual....ime...it has been all about suffering.
I have a crave for every occasion.
Thanks.
Prayers.
I love your post. You have a very likeable and endearing quality.
No advice here but my usual....ime...it has been all about suffering.
I have a crave for every occasion.
Thanks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 782
Thanks everyone. Rough night sleeping — that is NOT sleeping much — last night. Slept on the couch so as not to keep my wife up. It is always rough sleeping after drinking. But I managed to get a few hours altogether here and there.
Right now I am on a plane for a day trip. Back to home this evening. The big challenge will be to avoid airport bars waiting for my flight. I may have about 3 hours in the airport.
I will post on here and call my sponsor to keep me occupied.
Right now I am on a plane for a day trip. Back to home this evening. The big challenge will be to avoid airport bars waiting for my flight. I may have about 3 hours in the airport.
I will post on here and call my sponsor to keep me occupied.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
When I was traveling a lot for work I was 'pre' alcoholic.....although certainly quite a drinker. Airports are definitely tough for me now. I seek out a cafe, order coffee and something to eat and get settled in . Shut down that voice pronto.
Good luck Horn.
Good luck Horn.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Horn95
Right now I am on a plane for a day trip. Back to home this evening. The big challenge will be to avoid airport bars waiting for my flight. I may have about 3 hours in the airport.
I will post on here and call my sponsor to keep me occupied.
IF you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it-then you are ready to take certain steps.( do you know what it is we have? willing to go to ANY lengths to get it?)
Half measures availed us nothing.
We stood at the turning point.
here are the steps we took which are suggested as a program of RECOVERY.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
