Hope1989

Hi everyone,

After going to some AA meetings, and reading a bunch of studies I have realized that a lot of persons with addiction problems tend to have had difficulties in their past; conflicting families, trauma episodes, dysfunctional relationships with their parents, living in difficult neighborhoods etc.

This is when my guilt and anger hits me the most (as well as confusion). I was raised in a wonderful family, could not ask for better parents or a better sister. I have absolutely an awesome childhood, I was economically privileged and was support by my family in every single step and screw up (which by now are A LOT) and they are still there.

My question is that I haven't had difficulties in my life really, pretty much in anything. And it makes me wonder why I became this way? What is my reason behind my alcoholism (binge drinking) and occasionally drug use?. I have pretty much been unavailable emotionally for my family for... well forever.

They will forgive me and go with me to the grave, I know that. My real problem is just it does not matter what I do, not do or say, that will make me forgive myself for being this way. This creates great sadness and depression for me.

If anyone has some similar story or would like to share, it would be great.

doggonecarl

I think it is perfectly normal to speculate on why we became alcoholics/addicts. Normal, but not fruitful. And damaging if it leads, as in your case, to sadness and depression. Dwelling on it isn't recovery.

Therapy could help you work through the issues that underlie your drinking, but knowing why won't keep you sober.

FreedomCA

I think that these feelings of despair are normal in early sobriety. But once you get more time and stop missing alcohol, there will be nothing more to grieve.

J50

Alcohol is an individual thing. People react differently to its effects and drink for different reasons. If there were no external factors, do you suffer from anxiety or low self esteem? Do you self medicate because it fills a void that is missing in your life. Or did like like getting buzzed or drunk, and by the power of the addictive nature of alcohol became hooked? There are people from a lot of different backgrounds here. We all drank different stuff and for different reasons. The thing in common is the desire to quit.

Rar

Welcome to SR Hope. I think initially drinking gives us pleasure . As time goes on and the tolerance increases, we require more and more to obtain that initial feeling of pleasure. Ultimately we become addicted and require alcohol (or drugs) to even feel normal. My personal thoughts are that anyone who drinks enough and often enough will become addicted.

I'm glad you found SR. I also think it's important to focus on your recovery and then, if you feel the need, delve into any reasons which make you drink.

tomsteve

Hope, i have a question for ya as im wondering about something. you typed this
My question is that I haven't had difficulties in my life really, pretty much in anything

after typing this:
...and was support by my family in every single step and screw up (which by now are A LOT)
with that and this:
, that will make me forgive myself for being this way .
plus this:
I have pretty much been unavailable emotionally for my family for... well forever.
could all that be causing internal chaos that ya may have picked up a drink over when they surface?

August252015

Good comments above. And I will add one more: because you are an alcoholic.

Alcoholism doesn't discriminate from happy childhoods or not, money had or not , educational level, jurisdiction or province, on and on....

Like others said, focusing on the whys simply kept me drinking and giving that up (it was a form of victimhood) was the only way to forgive myself and accept my alcoholism. And begin and continue the life I have now in happy recovery.

totfit

Genetics and Biology.

entropy1964

And don't forget, alcohol is a very addictive substance. One of the MOST addictive substances. Drink enough, at enough quantity, for enough time, and addiction results.

YOU aren't bad. Maybe you've done some things that aren't in line with the values and boundaries you were taught. So you have cognitive dissonance. For me that state definitely creates depression because I'm constantly thinking "I SHOULD do this, but I'm doing that". Get your actions in line with your values and beliefs and you will start to feel much better.

Get help to stay stopped. Remember: Families can love their kids to death. I've seen it happen. While you are fortunate that they aren't abandoning you, you have to draw the line so they aren't enabling you. To me it sounds like they are and you know it. Do you want to wait until they DO abandon you?

Berrybean

Most people arrive in AA full of shame and remorse, wondering how they will ever learn to forgive themselves. But - if they work the program (Not just go to meetings, the meetings aren't the program, the steps are the program) then they work through that stuff, and manage to be a friend to themselves as they would not hesitate in being to others.

Give it time and put the work in and you'll be amazed at the changes that are possible.

BB

Anna

I do think it's important to understand the reasons behind my alcoholism. I had to deal with things I'd been running from in order to begin to heal. It might be helpful for you to talk to a therapist to help you. And, guilt and shame are trademarks of alcoholism. It's one of the ways the disease keeps us hooked. Try to work on forgiving yourself each day.

Nonsensical

This is why you are like this.

I could not get past my binges until I took that boot of self-loathing off my own neck and started treating myself like a friend.

As long as I could forgive anyone and everyone in the whole world except me for doing what I was doing, I was doomed.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

brighterday1234

Why I’m an alcoholic is of zero importance. I am and that’s what matters. I accept I’m an alcoholic and I’m grateful for that as it’s given me a way of living and seeing the world I would never have experienced if I wasn’t.

Grateful to be sober

JJ991

Great family, lovely childhood, no money worries, picture perfect upbringing, that's my history. There were a few secrets and skeletons in our family but I can't say it caused real issues or made me turn to alcohol. I'm not sure why I ended up with such a problem... initially as a way of fitting in, rebelling against the perfect child image? Possibly. I used to binge drink, just go out and let loose. Later years it turned to home drinking and every night. Then I found I couldn't stop.
I don't tend to overthink it or wonder why, I've (finally) accepted it and accepted I needed to quit.
Take care.

apollo986

Some many great posts! I thank God I found SR.

Ghoster18

I've been made aware to recover we have to get down to causes and conditions alcohol was our solution a symptom!
If we want to know why we drink then stop drinking. Someone told me that in an AA meeting once. So true! And I have been historically rubbish at living that way!
I keep at it tho!
G

iamsolost

Hi there. I have a similar story. I had a decent childhood and nothing traumatic ever happened to me. I didn't start having substance problems until I was an adult. But, through many years of alcoholism, I have often looked back and wondered if my upbringing affected me in some way. People I have talked to about my problems sometimes have a difficult time believing I had a good childhood. Through all my looking back, trying to figure out where I went wrong, I could never figure it out.

One day I realized what the issue is. I suffer from extreme anxiety, and though it wasn't as bad when I was a kid, I was a painfully shy child. It has only become worse with time. Some people, over the years, have shared their opinions with me, including those who thought I was bipolar. I never believed it. I felt fine, except for anxiety. I felt even better when I was drinking.

When I was finally arrested and nearly lost everything dear to me, I started a treatment program and began to realize I do, indeed, have a mental illness. It is not classic bipolar disorder, but schizoaffective disorder, biploar type. I didn't realize it at the start of my drinking career, and I self-medicated for many years.

Funny thing is, drinking doesn't help. It just makes the disorder much worse.

I don't know why you have troubles with alcohol, given your background. The only conclusion in my case is mental illness, but not everyone who is ill is so to the degree I am. People have different illnesses, some mild, some dangerous and destructive. Drinking doesn't help mental illness.

FreeOwl

You don't need 'problems' to have 'a problem' with alcohol.

Sometimes, the problem is just us.

Sometimes, you're just an alcoholic.

Sometimes, you're just dealing with depression and self-medicating.

Sometimes, you have guilt.

Sometimes, you're resentful about something you don't even recognize until you spend some time getting sober, getting honest, getting into yourself....

But the bottom line is it doesn't matter WHY.

If alcohol is creating problems in your life.

If you're not living the life you want and alcohol / drugs / addiction are a part of what's getting in the way - then the more important question to ask is;

"What life do I WANT and what ACTIONS to I need to take to support and build it?"

axeman5971

Hit up a few speaker meetings. There are plenty of folks that had great childhoods, great lives, awesome people. I am one of them.

It doesn’t make me better or worse that i developed a problem. It just shows how anyone can have/get one.

MindfulMan

There is a thing called complex trauma that can occur, particularly in childhood. There is no BIG EVENT(s) that you can point to and say "Ah, this is why I'm having issues/problems/PTSD." It's a sequence of smaller, often seemingly insignificant events that add up over time. In a way, it can be more difficult to treat because it seems to have no cause, and is harder to work through a series of diffuse events and patterns rather than a few big ones.

I don't think you need to do therapy to get sober, but I think if there are underlying issues, therapy can help you stay sober and will certainly make it even more enjoyable. Trauma doesn't always lead to addiction...otherwise most of the population would be addicts. But addiction is only one unhealthy way of handling residual issues.

Feeling shame over not having a bad enough childhood just contributes to the problem. Who cares if Person X was physically abused as a child and was an alcoholic, and you didn't? You still drank. Getting to the root of the problem is helpful for both of you.