saoutchik

Good to see you DarklingSong.

For people like me who do not have a lot of space Librarys are a fantastic free resource. Three cheers from me for library culture and the people that work there.

Alysheba

I agree, public libraries are awesome. In my old house I had a library and I loved it, but I lost it all, and my books when things started taking a turn for the worse in the old days. Now I don't have as much, but it's fine. I love books but I go to the library now and you can keep them for a long time. It's great.

Tetra

So 2018 has not been my year so far �� It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions and lots of contemplation about my career goals and future, whether or not I should stick with this job or try out different avenues and opportunities. It’s all a part of life I guess.

Anyway I just wanted to update this for all of my friends who kept me going when I was in distress.

First off I should say that I have always been a worrier. My Grandma used to say to me “stop worrying pet. It solves nothing and just gives you wrinkles”. But the truth is that I do care. I care a lot. I worry about the patients a lot.

Things came to a head for me about 2 weeks ago when I was home for the weekend and I was very very troubled about a particular patient after I pulled his CT scan off the system. He had been seen at the clinic at the end of January and the doc said he needed to be seen by the preassessment team to make sure he was suitable for a general anesthetic. So I emailed all the forms up to them and they were supposed to take it from there and get back to me. But I heard nothing back.

So when I saw the CT scan at the end of March I was like OMG. Unfortunately my consultant went on annual leave so I could not do anything. I checked with the registrar and she said “he really should have been done before now but just book him in for the next available slot”. I was obsessing about this for weeks but my dad kept saying “it’s NOT your fault and I don’t want to hear about your work again until you actually go back to work. Life is meant to be enjoyed”. He said it’s a lovely quality to be worried about the patients and to light candles for them but it’s bad for me as I am constantly thinking about my job. I told him I was worried about being sued because I always read articles about people and their disease went undiagnosed for years, then it gets discovered when they are at deaths door, the family turns around and sues every one. He said “yeah they will sue the hospital but who can sue you? You are not the physician”.

As regards the bullying: my manager did tell me that I have not been doing my filing and she is taking this as a sign that “I’m not coping”. She did tell me that there is a lady coming back from maternity leave and she needs to find a job for her i.e. my job. I went back down stairs and told my colleagues about all of this. They had obviously gone back and reported to her because then she came back to me and called me a liar in front of everyone. My friends told me she knows she was in the wrong and she is furiously trying to backpedal. My dad told me he saw this 1000 times in his own work also. People on permanent contracts who are “friends” with people will always take precedence over those of us who are temporary. He also did say that obviously there are a lot of things going on in the background there and “you are just the poor innocent caught in the middle”. He also asked me if I was a member of the union? My application was posted off to them last Tuesday.

I disagree strongly with all of this. My doc dictates letters on every single thing so I spend most of my days typing. Even today every one was off this afternoon so I was on my own with 5 phones. And they were ringing...and ringing and ringing.

So everything came to a head last week and I had to phone in sick. I asked my friend to spend the night with me. I went to my GP the following day and I told her everything. She said I seemed quite tense and she would recommend time off from work. I was not keen on this idea as I didn’t want to give anyone more ammunition against me. She gave me a sick cert for that day.

So I met with my line manager and gave her the cert and had a chat with her. She told me she knew that I thought my colleagues were telling tales about me but this is not the case apparently. They are “worried” about me. At this point I had kind of changed my mind and I told her that I thought a change of scene would be a positive thing for me. Change is always good, right?

So she arrived down 3 days later with a big story. Apparently another secretary in another department has been diagnosed with a serious illness and will be off for the foreseeable future. She said “Tetra get your desk in order as I may need to pull you away”. I was absolutely stunned. I don’t know why she can never tell me the truth. Why does she always always always have an ulterior motive?

I just wish that she could have been honest with me from the beginning instead of giving me all this rubbish about “not coping”. I’m a nice person. I would have understood no problem. I’m too nice in fact. I went to the shop yesterday evening to buy some groceries. The total came to €15 and I handed in €20. I was walking away when I realized that I was given €10 change. So I went back and explained. The cashier said “OMG thank you so much for that”. I’m sure some people would have just said nothing.

As an ending - the above patient got his procedure done on Tuesday last. I explained to my consultant and told him I was so worried. He said “I was also concerned when I saw the scan but it is not your fault. He had it done and we will bring him back to clinic in 2 weeks”.

So for the first time in about a month I can breathe again. It was a lovely day here and I had my lunch in the park. I lifted my face towards the sun and let the breeze flow through me and blow my worries away.

I spent last weekend with some friends and they kept making me laugh. I honestly cannot remember the last time I laughed so hard that my tummy hurt.

So I’m looking forward to a calmer weekend. And I hope all of you have a good weekend too.

Lots of love always,
Tetra

The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.”
– Elbert Hubbard

If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today.”
– E. Joseph Cossman

Tetra

Aw well my dad did say think about what you learned from all of this. I said “what did I learn?” He just laughed and said “don’t take responsibility for other people’s mistakes. Also remember that your colleagues are not your friends”. So we will see. I did say that I wanted a change. But it was going to be on my terms.

Gilmer

I am so pleased that you have finally been able to experience some untainted time of peace and joy. How lovely it must have been on that park bench!

One thing’s for sure: your consultant is really going to miss you!

Dee74

thanks for all your great thoughtful responses guys - great recovery stuff

D

argillaceous

Hi, Weekenders. Rough few days but I'm back.

Lovely intro Dee. I love that book, read it when I was a teen-ager and it was one of my faves, along with the "Martian Chronicles."

Had never heard of Kintsukuroi, but I do embrace the idea. I believe we are who we are because of our experiences. Letting go of judgment of experiences being good or bad, and having them just be, is what I'm working on. I, too, have had my sets of (unknown origin) scrapes and bruises. I would take a pic only to delete it later. It's hard to know there are parts of myself I would like to change that I turn a blind eye toward.

Seeing clearly as possible with both eyes. That sounds like a plan.

STDragon

I read those words an my AV was imediatley triggered. By the time I read to the end of the thread, it was gone. But boy, I did not expect that. Like it has been said before, you never know where it jump out at you....

MidnightBlue

Morning, weekenders.

I've scheduled manicure and haircut today.

I am still struggling with treating myself to these little things because somewhere deep in my monkey mind and toxic thinking I should be "perfect and ultimately worth it".

Today I am going to enjoy it)

See you.

saoutchik

Morning Weekenders. We are enjoying some unaccustomed sunshine and warmth in some of Britain and immediately the pavement bars and cafés are packed with drinkers and I wallowed in self pity for 10 minutes or so.

With the both the weekend and the prospect of summer fast approaching the temptation to drink is at its strongest but to misquote Charles Dickens it is the best of times, it is the worst of times. For many that cold drink will turn into a night of drinking, smoking and using followed by a wasted Saturday of pain and regrets. Literally spoiling the best time of the year.

Weekends are so much better without the poison so don't hesitate. Choose life.

MidnightBlue

Morning, Sao.

Enjoy great weather.

We are having sunshine too, though it's not that summerish here.

I used to crave white chilled wine at summer.

I can't tell for sure when this cravings faded away, but, at least, for two summers already I felt totally indifferent about it. Who knew!

STDragon

You are so worth it MB, Enjoy.... are you going have your nails painted too?

STDragon

I always thought summer was a good excuse, but like allot here, I drank every day anyways, so whats the difference?

MidnightBlue

Than you, Dragon.

I am not going to get my nails painted this time. I'll do it next time)

Doing haircut is worse than going to dentist for me.

First, when I am sitting in the chair with my wet hair and staring at a mirror at myself and start to pick at your flaws,how ugly and tired I looked. And my eyes wonder all over the place to avoid the stare battle with my reflection.

Second, I feel like I've spent money and have no idea what for



Why is everything so complicated?

And, by the way, comparing it to the issues of incomparably bigger magnitude and admonitions about "don't sweet the small stuff" don't work.

Gosh, I miss boxing)))

It's ok , though.

These after-haircut blues are usually gone by the next day.

See you)

andyh

even worse than that, you've paid to be left with less than you started with!

hope you feel better soon MB. I bet your boxing instructor is glad of the break from you punching him on the nose though

MidnightBlue

Thank you, Andy. You are awesome)

venuscat

Oh Midnight.....re haircuts.....worse than the dentist for me too....I have issues....I have body dysmorphia..and the hairdresser is my worst confronting nightmare.

I need to go by myself....there is no way I am ever putting Nick through that.
And I desperately need a haircut....

How is yours? How was it....because speaking of triggers guys, this is my biggest one....

sorry....totally self-centred. Just so surprised to meet another woman who does not like going to the hairdresser....at all.

Summer and booze....yes.....still an issue for me. But as Dragon said, it's all just another excuse because I drank every day of the year.

Love to everyone. ♥♥

MidnightBlue

Venus, my haircut is..ok. Now wow. I'll handle it)

And it is not self-centered. It's quite natural I'd say.

I suggest you post here when you are going to get a haircut and we'll get you through it. And Nick will be fine)

And now I am having a headache for some reason

goodbyeevan

I'm in. Love ray Bradbury. 420 is a trigger. Here we go

saoutchik

Good to see you goodbyeevan!

The thing I don't like about getting my haircut is that it just grows back again, within months.

Hometime. I am going to call in at a health food shop for some oats, barley, pumkin seeds, mixed nuts, coconut flakes and a few other bits and pieces to make my own granola as i'm fed up of paying a small fortune for the stuff.

All this despite the fact that granola is the most dangerous breakfast.