timetochange88

Well, hey folks. Here I am...

I have been a party to a lot of substances in my life, including withdrawing and getting over those substances. But alcohol is the biggest beast I have ever had on my back and out of all of my substance abuse issues it's one that I have found myself a bit powerless against.

I am approaching thirty, have held a handful of 2-4+ year long professional jobs. I've been drinking throughout all of them but the drinking was controlled...or so I thought. Once I lose a job, I dive headfirst into drinking. No later than 1PM everyday and no less than a 12-pack of "Ice" beer.

I'm not even sure what I want to say here or what I should say. I can tell the booze is absolutely burning bridges for me and I definitely have a spat of the "shakes" until I get a beer in me. This terrifies me and I am so damned embarrassed.

Typing this out through tears, and intoxication, but with a real desire to just find a way out from this. I wish I could have given y'all a happy "hello" and I apologize for the dramatics. I am hoping that here, at least, my position might be better understood.

I am here because I mean it this time. I have to change - I *need* to change before I hit 30. This isn't fair to my family, friends, and myself.

So...hey

ScottFromWI

Welcome to SR Timetochange88. No need to apologize or be ashamed, each and every one of us was in your shoes, or close to them, at some point in our life.

I was a daily drinker too and drank beer exclusively, and I can vividly remember choking down that first beer of the day to try and shake off the shakes/hangover - it sucks, plain and simple.

Coming here was a great idea, you'll meet lots of folks who have not only found a way to quit and stay quit - but to actually improve their lives by removing the alcohol. It's not easy, and it's not an overnight change...but it's absolutely possible. Hope you can stick around, you'll find a lot of support and understanding here.

Anna

We really do understand how hard this is. I'm glad you found us and posted.

I know that you will find lots of support here, and reading and posting here can be helpful part of your recovery program.

Incontrol15

Welcome. Congrats for taking a huge step and acknowledging what's going on and again for introducing yourself.

I'll never forget the day I posted here for the first time 3yrs ago this month. I had turned into an all day drinker to keep those shakes away. Doesn't work.

Sobriety does work though and you're taking steps. That's the key. Keep stepping no matter how small or how big.

timetochange88

I am on Medicaid now and just spoke with my managed care provider about getting it all settled - it's a bit new to me but it seems solid (for Ohio).

Realistically, I'd like to "cold turkey" or taper and really don't see myself in a traditional inpatient setting. Of course I may be very wrong but I have survived fairly well, with the help of Baclofen, without the ever-pressing need to be in a controlled environment. The problem is the Baclofen isn't controlled and my environment is all mine.

Has anyone ever been at this point exactly? The shakes are one thing, and expected, but DTs and the like are a completely different beast (and I certainly don't think I've ever experienced that "hell" but I know my continued drinking isn't helping those odds). I don't expect this to be overall pleasant, but I -do- have a steady source of Baclofen and it has, if I actually stick with it, provided relief as far as the physical bit goes. And a bit to the mental as well, as in "makes me feel comfortable in my own skin".

I have never told a doctor in my life that I have a drinking problem. I am terrified I will be relegated to aspirin and bootstraps. And, to be frank, I have done research ad nauseum on this bastard I have on my back now and baclofen seems very appealing but I also don't want to risk seizures. I had epilepsy on the onset of puberty and some nasty episodes because of that but that is well over 15 years now. It is not something I want to mess around with again though.

I am an overthinker. An over-researcher. And it probably makes me stubborn as hell sometimes.

Blah blah...I'm rambling but this is what I need to do. I am committed this time; I need to stop this cycle.

ScottFromWI

I've been exactly at that point yes. The anxiety is huge and there's a massive tendency to overthink and rely on "dr google". I'd be especially careful on that front. You've already mentioned baclofen, OTC sleep aids and nyquil - all of which can have huge unintended consequences.

I can assure you that doctors have seen this situation many times over and there is zero shame in asking if you feel that severe withdrawals are a possibility. I ended up at the ER myself because I didn't take things seriously enough - nothing was really wrong with me other than being severely dehydrated and somewhat malnourished, but I could have easily went to the walk in or urgent care first.

So yeah - unplug doctor google for sure. See a real doc if you think it's warranted.

timetochange88

I'm just scared and so damn ashamed. Really didn't think I'd be another person in my family going down this road and I'd give anything and everything to change it.

But it is what it is. I am not too keen on AA just because of the whole "higher power" concept which tormented me as a young gay kid many years ago. But I also find myself constantly checking the meeting schedule just to have literally anyone who can understand where I am coming from.

Thanks for your reply. Heavy days ahead, heavy already. And you're right: Dr. Google doesn't mean a hill of beans when it comes to reality I suppose. Shaking off that bit of distrust isn't easy but I so, so want to actually do it this time.

Caralara144

Hey and welcome ...don't feel ashamed or embarrassed we all started off right where you are now ...it's a brilliant start
And everyone here have had there day one ..small steps and keep posting xx
Wishing you all the luck in the world
Caralara ❤️

Incontrol15

Could have wrote this myself. Including being from Ohio (NE). Except for an unlimited supply of baclofen... I only ordered a couple hundred tabs off the internet. In my case, it didn't work. Could have, but I am an addict. It was either baclofen or alcohol for me.

I too am a huge over thinker. At 50yrs old, I think I finally got tired of it. I would think and plan, but not take action.

Quit drinking 3yrs ago this month and a lot has changed for the better. Too much to mention. One of them is over analyzing has improved significantly. Alcohol recovery taught me first hand that any action at all is waaaaaay superior than any elaborate thought or plan.

Jen197800

Welcome!!!!! I want you to know I have been exactly where you are! I mean exactly if not worse. I was having the shakes so bad from working from 7-1 and thought I was gonna die. I knew it was from not getting a drink during those hours. I left sick bought two y’all boys and helped but kept drinking and as it was night time and I passed out I woke up even worse with no alcohol to help. Googled everything I could to help finally called for help and was taken to the Er where I detoxed then did an outpatient program. Please don’t be ashamed. It’s a true disease and you have support here. It’s an awful scary feeling and I hope you are finding some peace

TodayEveryDay

Has been some really awesome responses on this thread - congrats on taking the first step!

Only thing I'll add is beware of your intelligence - you cant research or reason this out of your life, action is the only thing that works. Took me way too long to realise that despite being told ad-nauseum.

Buckley3

Welcome!

You will find a lot of help and support and resources here. Not to mention some very seasoned & wise peeps that have been right where you are right now or worse that are now living wonderful and fulfilling lives.

First, know you aren't alone. Use this place to vent and as a resource. you deserve it.

Next, get sober. In the beginning just let all the swirling thoughts go or just let them swirl. You don't have to answer all the questions. Keep your goals simple and right in front of you.

Be sober today. Do that 3-4 days. You need to let your body and your brain de-tox. Everything else can wait.

Make it a priority. Obsess about sobriety if you want. In this case it's healthy if you use it to get past the first few days. You can eat up a lot of time and keep it in front of your mind if you spend time here reading, and learning.

O, and definitely treat yourself. Go get some ice cream or comfort food. Get a good movie or 4. Bunker down and get sober.

Smart move by the way. You have a lot of living left to do and a lot of time to do it. You don't have to find yourself 20 years from now wishing you'd done this now.

Best,

B

Buckley3

By the way. This is huge. I'm learning there are a lot of us high IQ folks around here. Turns out it's part of the underlying problem. You can learn about that here and more about it later.

This has nothing to do with figuring things out and everything to do with not taking the action of drinking. It's that clear and simple.

B

comtnman740

Hang in there!
What I have found is that you have put your sobriety above everything else. Anything that you put above your sobriety you will lose. I can relate to your story in that I partied quite a bit through my working career also. I was on that insane merry go round of waking up with an insane hang over, swearing off alcohol, going to work full of remorse and anxiety, getting through the day and eventually telling myself that it’ll be ok if I drink again. Man I don’t miss that cycle! There is a way out. You’ve got to do the work though. Hit meetings, start working the steps and most importantly put yourself in the middle of pack of the program. Tell yourself you’re worth it!
Good luck my friend,
Garrison

timetochange88

I just want to say to all - thank you so, so much. I am still here, taking it all in pieces, but I am not giving up on this. Not this time around - I mean it, for myself if anything.

Thank you so, so much strangers. Your replies mean the world to me. I understand the adversity to baclofen treatment but I do start a regimented go at it tomorrow - meaning no booze, just me and my thoughts. And I know it's going to be rough, it's going to be terrifying probably, but I am going to do this.

Again - I can't thank you all enough. I am absolutely happy to have found a "home" among people who get it.

Dee74

Baclofen or not I think support is vital.

Hope to see you around here some more timetochange88

D

axeman5971

I can relate to your story. I didn’t want to go to inpatient, didn’t like the higher power thing, wanted to research and reason my way out of it, etc. It is a weird mix of fear and ego. I just had to let go. Surrender control.

There is a phrase that is shared a lot in recovery - “terminal uniqueness”. It’s the idea that nobody understands, nobody has it as rough as you, or that you are different and can fix things on your own. Everyone is a little different, and some have harder roads than others for sure, but there is a ton of shared experience you can benefit from.

I think an experiment you could benefit from - any suggestion you get on here or in any other recovery group, try it once or twice. Be honest, open minded, and willing. Take suggestions. Give someone your phone number or take theirs and call it once. Look at outpatient, maybe. There are lots of people willing to help you if you’ll let yourself be helped.

Just asked the stubborn know it all who is writing this with 8 1/2 months sober.

FreeOwl

hey....

I'm glad you're here. Thanks for sharing with us. Thanks for helping me stay sober today with the reminder of why I chose sobriety. Thanks for being open and thank you for reaching out.

You offer a gift to all of us - the newcomers and the long-time sober folks alike. That gift doesn't go unseen and is appreciated. You bring value to us even as you bring us your cry for help.

I want to encourage you to get in the habit of substituting WANT for "have to" or "need to".

I WANT to live in sobriety....

Instead of "I HAVE to quit drinking"

I WANT a sober, joyous, present life of richness and depth...

Instead of " I NEED to stop"

If you're anything like me (and it sounds a lot like you are), then you might also be the type of person who kind of quietly resents being told you NEED to do something... or you HAVE to do something... or you don't have a CHOICE.

Well, I'm here to tell you - you DO have a choice. You absolutely have a choice. Every minute of every day you have a choice and YOU are in charge of making it. You can either keep on drinking or you can choose sobriety.

For me, when I kept telling myself I"VE GOT TO STOP.... I NEED TO QUIT.... THIS TIME, I HAVE TO STOP DRINKING.... it never worked. At least not for long.

When I finally started saying "I WANT SOBRIETY" is when my freedom began. At first it seemed a little 'Fake'.... it was forced.... but I kept saying it anyway. Our words are important. What we tell ourselves is powerful.

I built an image of that sober life that I could look up to.... I found sober role models to look up to..... I purposely, consciously envisioned it....

And wouldn't you know - little by little not only did I truly grow into a deep and sincere place of yearning for my sober life - but along the way I also stayed sober.

Over four years now.....

And all because I stopped telling myself what I should do, had to do, needed to do - and instead flipped the narrative and the mantra and the vision to what I WANT to do.

Take the power into your hands and tell the story of the life you WANT, not the one you DON'T WANT.

You can do it.

lessgravity

Time, welcome.

There is so much support and wisdom to be found on this site.

You are young in some ways and should feel proud and strengthened that you are here, looking for help, looking to get better.

I think many of us, I'm 40, would say that we wish we got better at 29.

Stay in touch on this site, reach out, endure the pain. And welcome.

timetochange88

Baclofen makes me feel like crud. Literally it's not pleasant for me - and, as someone who has done about every damn drug ever this is an actual huge plus for me.

I want to do this with something that can help the withdrawal and the anxiety. Baclofen is doing that in spades so far - and I so, so understand how wild that sounds especially when it comes to being sober and free from all substances. But this one is working for me - since my original posting, and since I started taking it seriously in actual working dosages - I have cut 1/4 of my consumption. Not much but this is less than a week and it's allowed me to do things with friends and family, WITHOUT needing alcohol, that I wouldn't have thought possible before.

This stuff works. I don't know how because I am not a doctor. I have a decent knowledge of GABA and how ethanol works on it. This is working for me, but I also know I need to talk about it to somebody and frankly baclofen-assisted treatment is not really a thing in the States yet.

I am going to stick with it because it's working. It is wrecking my stomach and it is not pleasant whatsoever. BUT it is reducing my cravings and my usual intake in a dramatic fashion without the need to replace alcohol with benzodiazepenes which is one thing I was adamant about avoiding lest it become a replacement addiction. I've done that dance before, as I have with about everything, and this stuff is unique.